To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

Best wishes to you OP its an awful situation to be in.

I can see why your DP struggles to talk about it, and guessing you are both quite young I can see why he didn't want to bring it up early on incase you split and he became talk of the town.

It's incredibly difficult as if you do decide to stay and have a family, you are essentially going to be a single parent. You can't simply leave DC with your DP while you pop out without worrying whether the in laws will pop round for a sneaky visit. Everywhere your child is, you or someone you trust will have to be.

Also its going to affect your whole family as they would need to be aware that Granny X isn't allowed to take photos etc or possibly even have contact.

Oh op, I'm so sorry. What a total headfuck this all must be.

I'd be tempted to elope somewhere with Dp if you think you can get through this and put some serious distance between you all.

There can't be any access for dp's side of the family to children, not ever. Mil closed that door for herself years ago. This absolutely isn't your choice, she's taken that away from you. There isn't a compromise on something so serious.

Yes but Lying OP's BF would have been complicit with grandma-to-be mustn't he as they chose between themselves not to tell OP. Even without G2Bs influence BF himself chose not to tell OP off his own bat. As soon as it got even vaguely serious it would have been one of the first things he should have told her.

whirly honestly, I have no words to address your suggestion that OP and her BF 'elope somewhere else'!! There will never be 'distance' not when BF was happy to accept contact of some sort and didn't distance himself from his mother's lunacy or the paedophile step dad.

Oh op

of course it's a massive shock. I'm hoping people didn't mean to make personal insults - this is such a strong emotive subject, that it's drawn out very strong responses.

There are some really helpful posts on here. The parole officer and the links to Claire's law and the other website. I hope they help in this really hideous time.

Take care

ukdatabase.com not fully functioning sadly Ola - it's being offered for sale.

OP I'm so sorry people have been unkind on here. It was brave of you to post the first time and even braver to come back. I really hope the good advice helps

OP, do be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. As you aren't yet expecting, you do have time to fully think this through, and I wish you all the best

@pinkpanther27 has spoken so much sense. Read this and take it in.

@Ellendegeneres I agree, and completely sympathise with your frustrations.

@LoveDeathPrizes made the point I was going to. He is low risk because currently he has no access to children without making a serious effort. Once there is a child in the family, living next door, he moves next to a playground etc, his risk will increase.

Reoffending is probably more likely to occur in those once re-exposed to children. It’s the temptation. And he is definitely minimising his responsibility. I’d be tearing a strip of your boyfriend right now. As soon as the relationship became more serious he should have told you.
Mil exposed her son to a pedophile as a teenager - fact
A child in that house will not be 100% supervised. What when she has to go to the loo? what about when they pop to the loo during the night? What about when the postman wants a signature? Or when she makes a cuppa? Just don’t do it.

keeponworking Yes I understand what you're saying but put yourself in his shoes. He is NOTHING to do with his stepfather's proclivities yet is tainted through association. Imagine if he has to disclose this to every girlfriend he ever has... when is the right time? First date? There won't be a second probably. How is that fair?

It was up to his mum to keep him safe and she abdicated her role absolutely. I have no sympathy for her but I do for her son who now essentially loses his mother if he ever wants children because of her poor choice.

I get shoved around pretty good by my mum over trivial things and FOG is a very real thing to me. I imagine it is to a lot of other people too and 'going NC' is a very drastic end of pipe solution that isn't an easy decision to make. What I'm saying is that OP's partner might not have conspired with his mother at all but that is what some posters are insinuating.

I've often thought on Mumsnet - and particularly on this thread - that posters are so glib and strident about what THEY WOULD DO without a backward glance. I don't believe a word of it. Walk a mile in OP's shoes or just have a bit of empathy for what she is going through without lashing out at her.

This is a horrendous subject, one of the worst there ever can be and the situation is just so sad for OP and her partner.

I was abused while by my step dad while my mum slept. I was also abused at parties/family get togethers/days out and holidays.

Just because you are in house does not mean to he won’t or can’t try it on. For my step dad it was a much bigger thrill when people were in the next room

I think it's theukdatabase.com

So he abused a 3 year old...or a 10 year old...or a 15 year old..you honestly think one is more foregivable than the other??

Yes, I do. I do not believe that all sex offenders are alike and think that there are very much different levels of crime.

How could you not? For instance, a 20 year old that has sex with a 15 year old in a nightclub compared to a 50 year old that has sex with a 3 year old.

Are you seriously saying there's no difference?

In the ops shoes I would very much want to know the crime before making any final decisions.

Just so you are also aware, not everyone is on database, mines not, and his was a big case, abused me for 8years and 3 others aswell. But it was 15yrs ago and not much is documented-even though it made national news at the time, it’s pretty much dropped off the internet altogether

The decision will be taken out your hands OP. If you have a child, when the Sex Offender has his annual review, the fact that he has a new grandchild will be passed to Social Services. They will be around to see you to make it very clear that you will never have contact with him. Ever. You will risk having your child taken into care if you do not comply.

What a horrible, sanctimonious post, Toads, treating the OP as if she would ever put her child at risk when she has one.

Op I really don't know what to say.
I defiantly think you need to talk to your dh about what his plans were regarding his sd and gc.

As pp have said his dm has put him in an awful spot. Not oñly has she brought a know sex offender into her childs life but she has normalised it for him.
Good luck

Thanks. I do my best.

Something newtoday....so in your eyes rape isn’t rape because consent doesn’t matter if someone lies about their age??? Abuse doesn’t matter if your ages are closer??? I was making the point that his actual crimes are not worthy of delving into the fact they happened would be enough for me.
This wasn’t an attack on the OP, but minimising crimes over minor details is not acceptable and quite frankly I find it appalling that anyone would think one level of abuse to another would matter in this situation or any...(crimes against children - note the pluralisation so multiple offences!). But I guess whilst there are people who think like yourself and the posters future Mil making excuses for these vile creatures, poor unsuspecting people like the OP will have their world shattered and children and vulnerable people will be put at risk.
On a different note I’m glad Laura came back, you sound sensible and I guess as you don’t yet have children it is hypothetical.. but I’m sure you will make the right decision..it is after all yours to make and yours to live with.
Be kind to yourself this is in no way your fault.

@79Fleur I think the point was that a 20 year old could have consensual sex with a 15 year old not knowing that they were 15 and end up on the sex offenders register and that crime is clearly nowhere near as serious as the rape of a toddler.

I also happen to think that a 16yr old having (as consensual as it can be) sex with a 15yr old is a VASTLY different concept to a 50yr old man assaulting a 3yr old.

I was under the age of 16 when I chose to lose my virginity and was neither abused or a victim of a paedophile.

This does not make me a paedophile apologist. I loathe them and their vile little urges.

(I know this is not the case in the OP's scenario, but I do believe there is a difference).

A huge part of what abusers do is manipulate people. This man has manipulated your MIL into thinking that what he did is forgivable, and was not really his fault (the mental illness bullshit). She/they in turn have manipulated your husband into silence - where he doesn't tell the person he's moving in with and planning kids with about their dirty little secret. He's become part of it - maybe even normalised it himself.

Don't let them do it to you. I can already see signs of it in your OP:

There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children - You're saying here there is no way you'd stop a paedophile's complicit partner - who believes he's not a risk and supports him and loves him - from having access to your defenceless children.

They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. - She's very close to a convicted paedophile. This is not a point in her favour.

She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again. - Well then she really won't think it's a problem if she 'just' nips to the shops, or to have a bath, or take that post round to the neighbour. This is not a point in her favour.

I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family. - Gained your trust, you might say. Whilst at the same time keeping a very big secret from you.

Please, please, think about what you are saying. You will never be able to police this if you let HER have unsupervised access to the children. Even with supervised access, how are you going to deal with 'Grandpa' going for a kiss or cuddle? Them climbing on grandpa? Stripping off for the paddling pool with him around?

They've all deceived you because they are victims of an abuser. Don't become one too and in turn let your children become victims.

And I'm sorry to bang on but of course he looks like a nice guy who has welcomed you and done a lot for you. THIS IS WHAT ABUSERS LOOK LIKE! They're often extremely charming - how else would they access trust, to abuse it?

Sadly they don't go round with sandwich boards on that say 'BAD GUY' ringing a bell.

I got the point but it’s not relevant to the situation and question posed..and I also don’t think you end up on a sex offenders register for 20 years for consensual sex with a 15 year old..The crimes were clearly very serious and seemingly perpetrated against multiple children.
If people want to debate the ins and outs of how serious certain types of abuse are or how they should be treated then start a different thread.

That is oh so true, ElizabethDarcey, all of it.

Yes @79fleur , maybe you should have.