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Original poster

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 12:17

I agree, you can’t even play happy Xmas, and can you imagine the bullying and social outcast any child would be if it became known that their grandfather was a convicted paedophile. All it takes is someone at nursery or school to find out if convicted paedos in the area and it’s game over.

I honestly cannot get my head round this woman asking you to let future children stay in the home with him overnight. She will know he’s a high risk offender. Why is she doing this? She either wants a reason to leave him or she is enabling him. All round it’s sick as fuck. They all are.

The more I think about it thr more I think on balance it’s immediate no contact or relationship over.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2017 12:20

I would leave him.

He has withheld important information from you. For four years he has allowed you to unknowingly get into a relationship with a sex offender. I would never forgive someone who didn't tell me that a person I was spending time with was a sex offender. Yes, it is possible he has normalised it etc, but it doesn't change the fact that his judgment on this is way off and a massive worry.

I wouldn't trust either of them to keep any future children safe from him.

I understand it is very difficult to leave someone you love and have been building a future with but if you want children then this is not going to end well. Life is short. You really don't want to spend years worrying if you child is safe and being a part of a family that is very dysfunctional.

muttmad · 22/10/2017 12:25

It’s unfair to just leave your partner like some are suggesting without giving him a chance to put this right, but he should have definitely told you before you got serious and moved in together!
You need to sit down with him and tell him directly there is no way your children will EVER meet this man, if your boyfriend agrees then maybe this relationship is worth saving, if he makes any excuses for him or try’s to change your mind then I would walk away.
no matter what you say now, if you have a child you will not ever want this man anywhere near it, just the thought of him even cradling my newborn would be enough to send shudders through my core!
MIL should be told the same, but I don’t think she should be banned from your children as long as it’s away from this man.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 22/10/2017 12:28

It’s unfair to just leave your partner like some are suggesting without giving him a chance to put this right

He allowed the OP to form a relationship, over a 4 year period, with a convicted paedophile. How can he ever put that right?

WitchesHatRim · 22/10/2017 12:30

OK it is important to know how old your DP was when your MIL met him not married him.

Your DP was a child yet she knowingly dated and brought into his life a sex offender.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 12:31

What if your relationship with DP breaks down after you've had children? Suddenly it will become very difficult to police who has contact with your children when he has access.

And yes. At the very best, MIL will always have this over you. If you take this decision, you're complicit in their secret and consenting to intermittent access.

WitchesHatRim · 22/10/2017 12:32

*OP

ApproachingATunnel · 22/10/2017 12:32

Havent read all but i also really dislike her insistence that once you have children, she will be seeing them lots and having them over a lot etc etc. She’s almost telling you ‘this is how i want it and this is how it will be’. She’s not asking you if you agree or trust her, she decided that she’ll be in your face. A lot. Potentially undermining you and your (conditioned) partner’s opinion.

This is a big red flag for me and i haven’t even gotten to the pedo step grandad.

All in all, i would think long and hard. If after that i still wanted to stay with my partner i’d move as far from them as i possibly can. And no, dotting grandma she won’t be (for all the reasons mentioned upthread) so i would ensure she has no unsupervised contact with her grandkids.

I cant help but think there are more skeletons in this family’s closet. I’m sorry to say but i wouldnt trust them. Mil especially.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 12:32

MIL and DP will almost certainly minimise. I would be surprised if they'd even told you if there weren't already a risk you'd find out from someone else. I don't think asking them what happened has any merit.

Lenl · 22/10/2017 12:35

I wouldn't let my children be anywhere near him. She is minimising his offences too, so you couldn't trust the children would never be left alone with him. I also could never trust someone who would be with a sex offender at all let alone someone who has committed offences against a child! Could you have an intimate relationship with someone who has done that?

She is either trying to force you hand by making you feel bad because you don't want to be the one to break them up, or she is looking for a reason to leave him.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 12:36

It's odd. The more I think about it, the more controlling it sounds. Run, OP.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 12:37

She really might be looking to leave him. I'm not convinced that a woman who can make free choices would have made the choices that she has, in sound mind.

Jigsisaw · 22/10/2017 12:38

I agree with approaching a tunnel.

Chartreuse45 · 22/10/2017 12:38

This situation is irreparable or close to it. So many lines have been crossed. Your dp has not told you, this could be an active hiding or because he has normalised it. Either way his attitude is dangerous. Your MIL did not tell you for 4 years. Again alarm bells ringing! Then the emotional blackmail/empty promise - you have no way of enforcing it. In the case of you breaking up your dp could easily let him have access. Especially if he's normalising or minimising. Even if your MIL leaves him, with her judgement in regard to men what will the next one be like? There is too much wrong here for you to be able to fix it! Cut your losses and find a new life.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/10/2017 12:41

Laura, come back and speak to us.

Brittbugs80 · 22/10/2017 12:44

Haven't rtft so prepared to be corrected.

If he is on the sex offenders register, does that not mean he shouldn't be around children, regardless of when the offence was committed?

Or would it they would lie when the yearly inspection comes around about him not being around any Grandchildren/children?

Branleuse · 22/10/2017 12:44

Id want to know what the offences actually were and what the sentance was and when before making a firm decision, but tbh, I think id tell her that I would not allow any child to be in contact with a child sex offender

ApproachingATunnel · 22/10/2017 12:44

She had a very good reason to leave/not get involved with him at all all along- he’s convicted pedophile. So no, i dont think she needs a reason to leave him now.
She won’t leave him, you watch.
What she needs is for you to accept the situation and normalise it.
She wont be changing her status quo. Paedo husband was never an issue when her own son was younger, why would that become an issue now, it’s not even her own children potentially at risk.

Sallystyle · 22/10/2017 12:46

It’s unfair to just leave your partner like some are suggesting without giving him a chance to put this right, but he should have definitely told you before you got serious and moved in together!

No it really isn't. She doesn't owe him anything. He allowed her to socialise with a convicted sex offender and allowed her to become close to him (her boyfriend) and build a future knowing he was sitting on something massive.

mickeysminnie · 22/10/2017 12:48

LEAVE! How could you ever trust your do again? He has already proven that he will put your mom and sfil's wishes over you. If he truly loved you he would have told you BEFORE you moved in together.
They are all minimising what he is. Run far and run fast.

Gemini69 · 22/10/2017 12:48

He's still on the Register after 20 years and still being monitored yearly...

this is not good no matter how much it's dressed up..

I would be rethinking my entire relationship ... sorry Flowers

flyingpigsinclover · 22/10/2017 12:49

How can it be unfair to leave the DP?

He's proven that he puts the interests of his mother and a convicted paedophile above that of the future mother of his children and that he thinks their right to secrecy is more important than the safety of those children - that is how children get abused.

I wonder if he was abused by his step-father and feels like he has to protect him :-( If so, he needs urgent help and needs to consider how to protect the family he wants.

EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 22/10/2017 12:50

I feel sorry for the OP right now. She's been with her DP for 4 years, getting closer to him and his family all the time, yet no-one gave her this vital information.

She must be devastated right now. If she's still reading, she'll see and probably agree she needs to leave, but she's likely in shock and having to process all the implications.

The wisest choice would be to cut her losses and move on (and away) but sometimes you can't just cut feelings dead instantly.

OP, if you're reading, be kind to yourself. Thanks

Babbitywabbit · 22/10/2017 12:51

ApproachingATunnel makes another very good point. Quite aside from the sex offender issue, your MIL has decided from the off that if you have children, she’s going to want to see them a LOT and have them stay over. That’s incredibly over bearing, and a huge pressure... you don’t even know if you can get pregnant yet! That sets alarm bells ringing in itself. She sounds quite manipulative and controlling and interesting that she’s chosen now to start telling you how you should choose to raise your hypothetical child (what if you didn’t want them staying over anyway?) She is seriously lacking in judgement and boundaries.

MadMags · 22/10/2017 12:56

Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother?

  • you're planning on having children with a man who didn't tell you his stepdad is a convicted paedophile.
  • you're worried about the feelings of your "wonderful" MIL who moved said paedophile into her child's home.
  • you, and everyone still having any sort of relationship with this man is essentially condoning what he did.
  • you're willing to let him have lots of access to your future children even though there's every possibility he will be watching them, having sexual fantasies about them, and using them for wank fodder.

Are you being a bad mother? What do you think?