Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hairzilla 2

405 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 21/10/2017 11:08

Thankyou so much for so much support over the previous threads.

I thought a lot about how to respond to F1.
I told her without a proper talk I dont think I can put it behind us.
She suggested we meet up tonight after Ive finished work so we can talk properly.
F2&3 have agreed to be there so another repeat of her flying off the handle doesnt happen.

This time around Im hoping for an explaination and an apology now shes had time to calm down.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 21/10/2017 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 21/10/2017 11:58

Good for you Kung. And I totally agree with the not asking for an apology. It's not the same.

How do the other friends in the group feel? Surely it will also affect them as they've seen a new side to her

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 21/10/2017 11:59

You're absolutely right Kung - if she's genuinely sorry, you shouldn't have to prompt her to apologise. From everything you've said though, I can't see it happening, but at least you're prepared for it.

diddl · 21/10/2017 12:01

I'd be interested to know why she did what she did & why she felt that it was OK.

I wouldn't hold my breath though.

It'll probably still be your fault as she didn't think that you'd mind her offering & she's sure you really could have done a c&c if you'd wanted to & if if was for a cause that you were bothered about you probably would have made the effort...

Even if I'm wrong at this point I'd be sceptical of any apologies & that they were just to get the other friends back onside.

HMC2000 · 21/10/2017 12:02

Can I make a suggestion? There was a lot of talk on the first thread about asking her how she would feel if someone had volunteered her DH's time/expertise in the same way she volunteered yours, and she said that would be fine. It was clear that she just didn't get it, and still doesn't. I suspect that tonight she will continue to insist that it is both your faults, and refuse to see what she has done. If you use an analogy to explain it, it needs to be that it is the equivalent of you telling someone that F1 will be giving £45 (or £90 if you include the lost appointment time) IN CASH to the charity of your choice. Ask her what she would have done in those circumstances. Tbh, I think she will still refuse to take responsibility, but you are doing the honourable thing by agreeing to have a chat.

hornetgirl · 21/10/2017 12:06

When she goes low, you go high x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2017 12:06

Good response, Panda (and thank you for the new thread, I really wanted to respond to the last effort from her and the thread was full!)

Very glad you have F2 and F3 on board. I presume you've shown them the message she sent you?

She's delusional if she thinks she can get away with "blame on both sides" - no! it's ALL hers, and if she can't accept that, then she's no kind of friend. I assume though that F2 and/or F3 have already been on her case, telling her what kind of bellend she has been; and possibly also the PTA lady has had a word about the sort of person who belongs on the PTA being rather unlike the way F1 has behaved.

Either way - when you see her, don't back down. She HAS been a bellend and a CF, you've given her more than you needed to by way of agreeing to donate anything, and asking the PTA lady to go easy on her, and she's STILL being a dick about it.

She won't apologise, it's probably caused her to grind her teeth down to stumps just to take partial blame, but only you can decide now whether you can look past that and continue to socialise with her. At least you know you can't trust her, and she's not the friend you thought she was.

Good luck tonight - hope F2 and F3 manage to prevent her from being as vile to you this time as she was last. xx Thanks

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/10/2017 12:09

Good luck for later Kung - glad you'll have F2 and F3 with you this time.

AndersArms · 21/10/2017 12:14

Good luck KungFu - hope it goes ok this evening. You can hold your head up knowing you have kept your dignity.

BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2017 12:15

I'd let her do most of the talking initially. Particularly outrageous and ridiculous assertions on her part can be met calmly with a quiet '"Wow" and no more. Hopefully she'll realize you're not going to accept blame where there is none and eventually snap herself out of her deluded victimhood and apologize sincerely on her own.

Good luck.

Figgygal · 21/10/2017 12:18

Good luck later
Does she know the others are going to be there? I'd warn her if not so she doesn't flounce

nameusername · 21/10/2017 12:18

I know she's your childhood friend and future meetings with the rest of the group may be awkward but beware of the sunk cost fallacy.

Hairzilla 2
Hairzilla 2
YouStoleTheBowlFromTheRoom · 21/10/2017 12:19

The only person you need to apologise to is me, Kung - I was up til past 1am reading your threads 😂🙈

Can only echo what PP have said, and you have reiterated: you owe that brass-necked CF no apologies at all. I think you’re very decent to even entertain seeing her after last time.

Fingers crossed for the best possible outcome, even though I’m knackered and it’s all your fault 😂😘

TheZeppo · 21/10/2017 12:22

Just popping by to say I think you're a really lovely, gracious person.

fairypuff · 21/10/2017 12:22

I think she may have realised that her actions mean that she will be losing not one, but 3 friends, as F2 and F3 are clearly on OP's side (and rightly so). Fingers crossed for a grovelling apology!

Agree with PP who said to make sure she knows they will be there too otherwise she may feel ganged up on and people don't generally react well when they feel backed into a corner!

Wishing you all the luck tonight Kung, you have handled this so well.

Quimby · 21/10/2017 12:22

Any link to the original thread?

Roussette · 21/10/2017 12:23

Good luck Kung.

I hope the proper talk works. However, in my experience it can make things worse.

I've a current situation with a friend of decades. We tried the proper face to fae talk but she had completely rewritten history... saying I said things when I know I hadn't and when challenged saying 'well, you were inferring it even if you didn't say it'. So, she had a fixed idea in her head of what I was thinking and nothing would budge her. The chat actually made things worse but because we've known each other over 50 years (yes.. really!) I'm trying to put this behind me but I'm not sure things will ever be the same again. At the moment we're just giving each other space. We'll carry on but I'm afraid it's going to be on a more superficial level than before.

So what I'm trying to say Kung is... I would be 100% clear in your head of the chain of events because when someone is on the defensive they change what actually happened to fit their agenda.

Good luck

TheDodgyEnd · 21/10/2017 12:23

Good luck Panda, good plan to have F2 and F3 there too. I know these threads can get a bit crazy but I really think you’ve done the right hing to now. I just hope (maybe wishfully) that you get the apology you deserve. Maybe when she sees that f2&3 are they it might dawn on her that she has behaved unacceptably - we can dream anyway. Flowers

Quimby · 21/10/2017 12:24

Or I could not be lazy and use the search function 🤦🏻‍♂️

Have it now

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2017 12:26

Bloody he'll op, your a better person than me, as that would have been it.

GlitteryFluff · 21/10/2017 12:32

Hope chat goes well tonight.

Quimby · 21/10/2017 12:32

Thanks for the links

KitKat1985 · 21/10/2017 12:34

Good luck for this evening OP. I hope, despite everything, CF apologises and you can find a way to move on from this and remain friends. Obviously though if she starts making out it's still partly your fault then tell her to fuck off and never speak to her again.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 12:35

Good luck. I hope you manage to salvage something of the friendship, even if it is not the same as before.