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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hairzilla 2

405 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 21/10/2017 11:08

Thankyou so much for so much support over the previous threads.

I thought a lot about how to respond to F1.
I told her without a proper talk I dont think I can put it behind us.
She suggested we meet up tonight after Ive finished work so we can talk properly.
F2&3 have agreed to be there so another repeat of her flying off the handle doesnt happen.

This time around Im hoping for an explaination and an apology now shes had time to calm down.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2017 12:37

I still dont know if the friendship can ever be the same again, Ive saw her in a different light over these past few days and I didnt like what I saw.

Well 'xactly.

If she was a nice person and a friend to you, none of this would have happened. That's it in a nutshell, really.

Good luck! I'd say it will be easier on your shredded nerves to just let her speak and then make your own decision in your head about what you want from it all in future.

Personally I think your dilemma going forward will be that she is such an entitled cheeky cow that she'll aim to move things back to 'normal' once the dust has settled anyway, because that is much nicer for her (and free haircuts of course). So be careful about being too nice even if she apologises as the last thing you want is her bouncing around back to taking the piss by this time next week because 'it's all forgotten, what a misunderstanding, so glad we both said sorry and moved on!'

ChinkChink · 21/10/2017 12:37

I agree with HMC2000 that the only way she's going to get what your original beef was is to present an analogy. I'd tweak it slightly though - if you say '...If you use an analogy to explain it, it needs to be that it is the equivalent of you telling someone that F1 will be giving £45 (or £90 if you include the lost appointment time) IN CASH to the charity of your choice. Ask her what she would have done in those circumstances...' I think she's that dense she will believe it is about the amount of money involved rather than her action. Perhaps it could be likened to OP telling F1 that her work had a charity collection and OP put £5 in for her because she knew F1 wouldn't mind, and now could she hand it over?

justilou1 · 21/10/2017 12:40

I was thinking about this today. Perhaps you could compare donating your time, income and talent without your permission with donating one of her organs to one of your work colleagues. It's simply not your decision to make!

Mix56 · 21/10/2017 12:47

justilou Perhaps you could compare donating your time, income and talent without your permission with donating a kidney to one of your work colleagues. & not telling her until she was on the operating table !!

& persisting to then end its fine because she does have 2
LOL

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 12:55

Hopefully she will have seen sense. Wishing all goes well Smile.

NightTimeIhadaBrainChange · 21/10/2017 12:56

I think I'll tell her she needs to be quiet and let you have your say.

I'd point out that, actually, her offering your services like she did is only a minor part in the whole sage. There's also the facts that:

  • she lied to the PTA when she said that the arrangement had been confirmed by you
  • the time gap between her "confirming" this and the fliers being printed and circulated, in which she could have spoken to you about it and didn't
  • her text messages to you ever since
  • her FB rant (though at least she didn't name you)
  • her refusal to sort this out by putting in a £15 pound donation, together with F2 and F3
  • her rant at you last night
  • her belief that, somehow, you are in the wrong - how?

There are all times she could have sorted our her mess, or, at least, not made it any worse. She chose to make the choices she did each time, and, by doing so, has made a fool of herself, hurt you, and damaged your relationship. What, exactly, is she going to do to make amends?

BriechonCheese · 21/10/2017 12:56

Good luck OP.
You might find this does a world of good for your confidence in the long run.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 21/10/2017 12:56

Good response OP and hope everything goes well this evening.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/10/2017 12:57

Good luck. Don't expect too much, though. I think she'll probably boohoo all over the place about how bad she is feeling - but without actually apologising. Then, when you don't immediately say that everything is all right, she might get hostile again.
Also, I completely understand why you want your other mates there, but she's quite likely to take that as 'Waah you're all ganging up on me!' as well.

MoronsandNeurons · 21/10/2017 12:59

OP sorry to hear you’ve been through all this.

I think you have acted with dignity.
There will always be people who know the person doing wrong and defend their behaviour. It is because they are not seeing it objectively. You did not have to put up with it and I’m glad you didn’t.
You provided a way out and an opportunity for her to save her dignity. She threw it away, not you. And an FB post? Absolutely shocking. (F2 however, legend)

For what it’s worth I don’t think a ‘friendship’ is worth saving at all costs. That’s because it’s not a true friendship if someone is prepared to treat you in this way.

For what it’s worth I’ve never regretted dumping a bully, and only ever felt relief. I just keep things polite and distant.
I even had two apologise, about 5 years later. So there’s hope yet OP. But from what you said you have nothing to worry about as far as you have acted.

Also well done for organising tonight. You are giving her another opportunity to set things straight.

CredulousThickos · 21/10/2017 13:02

Be prepared for waterworks and hysterical wailing.

SauvignonBlanche · 21/10/2017 13:02

Hope F1 sees sense.

TheMaddHugger · 21/10/2017 13:03

At the end of all this and you [OP] forgives her.

I foresee her says. "It couldn't have been THAT BAD, She forgave me** ""

((((((Hugs)))))) OP.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/10/2017 13:03

The husband analogy? Closer to your situation would be you volunteering him for an afternoon, when he would be forced to take unpaid leave. But not telling him. And refusing to contribute yourself. And getting arsey and abusive when he complained.
And the focus on 45 is false. It’s not the £45 costs. It’s also the £45 lost earnings at your busiest time. The £45 was a bloody good compromise but she didn’t even have the decency to accept that.

TheMaddHugger · 21/10/2017 13:07

It's not even the £45. She only had to put in £15

Jux · 21/10/2017 13:16

Good luck, KungFu. Sometimes, trying to understand someone’s motives is a waste of time. That doesn’t mean don’t try, but put a limit onn how far and how long you’re prepared to spend on it.

I don’t believe you’ll get an apology of any sort until you’ve apologised and hers will be one that will not be worth having.

I think part of her problem is that she genuinely thinks that you talking to the PTA woman and betraying her is worse than anything she herself did, so she thinks she is being magnanimous with the “we’ve both made mistakes” line (she really doesn’t think she has; you, on the other hand, have failed in your purpose and let her down by not doing what she had told you to do in the first place, ie. make her look good to the PTA). You losing money is irrelevant, and cheekily expcting her to pay actual money is outrageous!

I hope I’m wrong on that, but her behaviour reminds me of a couple of people I know whose outlook on life is incompatible with mine.

user1487671808 · 21/10/2017 13:19

IVe just read the whole thing and am outraged on your behalf OP. You’ve handled it well and unless she grovels lots and admits she was bang out of order I think I’d be distancing myself as will I imagine your other two friends. It would be hard if not impossible to ever trust her again, maybe the friendship has run it’s course.

Inertia · 21/10/2017 13:19

Good luck, but I don't fancy your chances of getting anywhere with her.

Candlelight234 · 21/10/2017 13:22

Good luck although I'm not confident she will be giving you a full apology during this chat.

kuniloofdooksa · 21/10/2017 13:25

I think you are right - you don't need to apologise for anything, you have done nothing wrong. If she doesn't apologise wholeheartedly or if she expects you to apologise and promise to be more compliant next time then the friendship is dead.

notapizzaeater · 21/10/2017 13:28

Hope you get some answers - don’t think I could come back from this

BellaNoche · 21/10/2017 13:28

I hope things work out the way you want them to OP but I agree with Jux above.

I think this is all about CF and some kind of cunning plan.

Except Baldric probably has more brain than CF.

DingDongDenny · 21/10/2017 13:32

I think it will be difficult for you to ever consider her a friend after this. But the best outcome might be that everyone can at least attend the same social events together without it all kicking off

You said before you might end up missing some girly nights to avoid her - no way should you do this and it would be a shame to break up your social group. Being able to peacefully co-exist may be the best outcome.

guestofclanmackenzie · 21/10/2017 13:32

when you prompt someone that you want an apology it isnt sincere IYSWIM.

I agree with this 100%, Kung.

You sound lovely and very level headed. I bet she's secretly gutted at the thought of losing you as a friend.

Good luck, I'm rooting for you.. Flowers

kali110 · 21/10/2017 13:33

You'd better get one!