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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hairzilla 2

405 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 21/10/2017 11:08

Thankyou so much for so much support over the previous threads.

I thought a lot about how to respond to F1.
I told her without a proper talk I dont think I can put it behind us.
She suggested we meet up tonight after Ive finished work so we can talk properly.
F2&3 have agreed to be there so another repeat of her flying off the handle doesnt happen.

This time around Im hoping for an explaination and an apology now shes had time to calm down.

OP posts:
EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 21/10/2017 14:53

Storminateapot makes a good point actually.

OP, good luck. Don't give in to any attempt to get you to take some of the blame. You were never in the wrong.

Nanasueathome · 21/10/2017 14:54

I would imagine that she needs her hair doing soon too and she has thought about the cost of that

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 14:55

Rather you then me. She would need to meaningfully and sincerely apologise to me to remain friends. Even then the trust would be extremely damaged and she wouldn’t have a third chance. Ever

Cavender · 21/10/2017 14:55

Well I hope you get what you need from it Kungfu.

Fingers crossed.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/10/2017 14:55

We had a workplace fracas last week. I tried to stay out of it as I have more to do with each person and didn't want to be forced to take sides. In the end I reported to my superior and left them to it.

One person thinks the other grassed them up; she's blaming her. I'm going to have to admit I'm the snitch. I had to say something though. The environment was really toxic and unpleasant to work in.

Anyway, it's blown over, I don't think anything is forgiven but it's all out in the open now. Boundaries/responsibilities are a bit more clear cut so I think in the long run it was a good thing.

It might be good to think more on how you can move forward rather than rights/wrong about the situation. I think even if it's spelt out really clearly F1 may fail to get it.

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 14:56

I think she really expected you to roll over and lap up all her crap

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 14:57

Your financial situation is irrelevant to this. Your financial situation is non of her business

MadMags · 21/10/2017 14:58

Not even gonna lie about placemarking...

LadyWire · 21/10/2017 15:06

Good luck, I wouldn't expect too much from her though...

wibblywobblywoo · 21/10/2017 15:20

I would make a few notes KungFu - not to take with as, as you say, that would look a little weird, but just to clarify the things you want to make sure you say, and how you want to say them.

Keep it pretty simple and read it over a few times and then again just before the meeting and you will, more or less, be able to visualise it in your head and it should help you remember the key points you want to make.

And do think about how you want to make these points to her - choose words that really convey (as much as is possible with someone like this....) what she's done - if it has no impact or falls on deaf ears at least you will be satisfied that you have said what you wanted to say.

Good luck.

CoraPirbright · 21/10/2017 15:29

If you do make notes (not at all a bad idea imo) then this from SandyDenny is definitely one to include:

Imo the key point is that she expected you to happy to give £45 worth of prize to a cause that you have no connection with yet she, who has a child at the school, thought £15 was too much

I fear that she will not see what she has done wrong and will not apologise. The cheeky fuckery, the blatant lying, the lack of remorse and the verbal lashing she gave you.....well, if you can come back from that then you are a better person than I. Good luck with it.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 21/10/2017 15:39

Also it's the fact that she did not ask you, despite plenty of opportunity to.
Good luck OP x

strongasmeringue · 21/10/2017 15:49

If you want to take notes, do. At the moment she's persona non grata you don't need to care about what her opinion is of notes etc.

Haffdonga · 21/10/2017 15:51

I know it seems obvious to everyone with half a brain but I think it's worth spelling out very clearly in S L O W easy words to F1 why it would cost you money and you cant just go round offering other people's cash.

To F1 she probably thinks she was offering an hour of your time (still not OK of course) which you have apparently freely given to her and to other friends before. She wont have factored in that it will also have lost you custom at your busiest time of year.

She needs to be made to understand.

buckeejit · 21/10/2017 15:59

You can always call up this thread if you need to show her she is BU.

I'm sure with someone of her personality she's had to play the meek role & wont want to actually discuss the problem much just brush it u set the carpet & say 'let's just move on'

I think it's fair & truthful to say what you said in pp-that you don't want to hurt her feelings but you've seen a different side to her recently that you don't like.

And if she does apologise, you don't need to say 'apology accepted'. Instead, an 'apology acknowledged' will suffice! Good luck 😉

Textpectation · 21/10/2017 16:10

I've had something very similar happen with a work friend /colleague and our relationship didn't recover though we are still on friendly terms. The person projected a lot about what they thought I felt. It was a very busy day and I was under massive pressure; they just couldn't accept my perspective at all. It's a shame BUT I'm so much happier.

Mix56 · 21/10/2017 16:10

She will say it could have been sorted out if only you had answered your phone, kept calling you but you didn't answer......funny that

Cupoteap · 21/10/2017 16:17

Good luck...can you be colouring f2 & f3s hair when she arrives???

doozeldog · 21/10/2017 16:21

Can someone post a link to the original thread please

CatsCatsCats11 · 21/10/2017 16:23

Good luck op, I can't see her apologising to be honest.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 21/10/2017 16:30

Although you want to have your say (quietly and calmly) silence is also your friend. When she's making wild assertions (because she will) and accusations towards you (because she will) and she finally stops talking, sit there for a minute looking at her but say nothing. Let her words ring in her ears (while you gather your thoughts) and if, during that silence you realise you're not getting anywhere, don't be afraid to stand up, and state you're done as you have nothing left to say. And, sadly, it may come to that point.
If she's abusive? You leave.
If she shouts? You leave.
If she won't let you get a word in? You leave. Don't let her sit there and assassinate your character. You don't have to be aggressive or yell, just be quietly confident you're in the right, and your time is worth more than this. I fear this may not go as you'd hoped OP, so be prepared for that outcome too Flowers

Hortonlovesahoo · 21/10/2017 16:30

Here's hoping tonight goes well OP and she is actually remorseful for her behaviour

HashiAsLarry · 21/10/2017 16:31

If at any point she goes quiet or expects you to take the initiative I'd be inclined to look her directly in the eye and ask were you ever going to tell me?. You'll probably get a lot of answers from her initial reaction to that. Or possibly a follow up of when?

GoldfishCrackers · 21/10/2017 16:32

When all else fails brace yourself for a sob story - maybe something to do with her being so much poorer/having fewer friends than you.

ohfourfoxache · 21/10/2017 16:34

Good luck Kung, but please be very careful. If I'm honest I don't think you're going to get your apology, but it's worth one last shot- if nothing else then to reassure yourself that you've done everything you possibly can