to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Anyway, I am tired as fuck, and can't be bothered to go back and forth arguing with people who think they're right. Whoever is right or wrong, all I will say is that the OP started this nasty shit.

She started the thread with faux concern, and quickly started to be bitchy and nasty about SAHMs. I still maintain that she is jealous and bitter. Also that she is not the high earning professional with an amazing career that she claims to be.

If she was, she would not be coming on to message boards posting vitriol and bile about people who choose a different life to her. No high earning professional in a great career would be bitching and frothing like she has been about SAHMs.

She started the bile, so she is the one in the wrong. Fact.

Nighty night.

This thread should end in about half an hour anyway as it's already over 900 posts. It can't go past 1000.

Si1verst0rm

You're a stay at home mum, which is fine and if you say that, people will naturally assume that you have a high earning partner because you need to in order to be a stay at home parent. There's therefore no reason to post on a thread asking for your [personal] income because your husband is his own person, his income is not credited to you or a result of work you have done.

Yes it's family money but that isn't what the thread asks, the thread wants to know how much people are earning not how much people who married a rich man are getting from their husbands.

In my opinion and the opinion of others on this thread, it's just sad to see post after post of women saying "nothing but my dh earns..."

Missed that earlier in the thread but I agree honeylulu

Fwiw I have never discussed my dh's earnings or job outside of my family, beyond telling people what he does for a living, if asked. I don't know any women who define themselves by their husband's jobs, what with it not being 1950 and all

Bluntness I take your point, but you can be financially ruined following divorce even if you are working. It depends on your income, whether you can afford the mortgage alone, childcare, etc. One income is always going to be an adjustment and an ex can screw you over regardless if he's that way inclined. It is true that it's harder to get back to work after a break, of course. But it's perfectly possible as a SAHM to take some precautions against the worst happening.

They’ll judge regardless.theyll learn it at school,& from other sources
Why? I don't so why should they. They will certainly come across it but they don't need to base their view of someone solely on the job they do. I hope that they strive to be successful in whatever they decide but not because of what other people think of them but because of the satisfaction they gain from it.

sunandmoonshine

Yes you are right Sun, I started the thread. I did not however, make everyone who posted here post, or continue to post, or even make you post. I am not responsible for every mean comment passed around here on both sides, I am only responsible for my own words. If you say something malicious to someone else on this thread, I am not to blame simply because I started the thread.

"No high earning professional" stop assuming, stop generalising, people who have worked hard do not suddenly become enlightened and so above everyone that they must never hold an opinion or start a Mumsnet thread, Mumsnet is full of people from different careers and it is presumptuous of you to assume the behaviour of all in that group based on your own opinion.

Are you the thread police though Curiosity. If I said, "I earn zero", that does not mean anything. People could presume anything -from me being homeless to living off an inheritance.

I do think if my husbands money as mine. It's just the way it is. We have 4 children and don't make the kind of distinctions you seem hell bent in making.

Of course you judge,we all judge.to deny it is frankly ludicrous.we all have foibles and preferences
As a society and by class we absorb norms,and are exposed to group preferences
We all judge inc our children

Si1verst0rm

Did you work for his earnings? Does he view the money as equally yours?

Good posts from Internet and Honey (quoting Sunbeam - we wouldn't want anyone to think you were taking the credit for something you didn't do, lol!)

Earlier in the thread, Barbarianmum wrote, How do you manage the 6am starts? Or the evening meetings? Or the week long trips?, but many others have suggested their OH's would not be able to do these successful-career-affirming things if they weren't at home doing all the donkey work. I'm afraid I have bad news for you - 6am starts, evening meetings and week long trips are not evidence of a successful career. They are simply the evidence of being shat on.

I never said I don't judge people. I just don't judge them on their job.

Yes of course he does because I am his wife and we created children together. This is what we set out to do.

Everything is in our joint name or in the DC's name.

If he wanted to be single he could be. If I felt like I was indebted to him I would get a job.

I could tell you what I earned 12 years ago but it has no relevance.

I agree with you yoda, these fucking threads always go the same way

"I'm happier than you, no I'm happier than you"

Op - really? You find stay at home parents sad? Why don't you worry about your own fantastic life and stop worrying about stay at home mothers. I'm sure they thank you for your concern.

I don’t believe your wholly neutral about jobs dc,and I’m interested in your protestations that you don’t judge
Why would you claim to be nonjudgmental about jobs?whats the rationale
I’d be uncomfortable meeting a porn film maker, I couldn’t deny I’d make a negative value judgement

And this from Amd724 seemed to go completely unnoticed earlier but it's a very good point. The world of work is still very misogynistic - women largely have to reach a higher standard to be considered equally.

Off topic but also very on topic, there’s actually quite a bit of economic research that shows that when men have children, their income increases. The researchers think its because of the time of the men’s careers that mean it overlaps with a natural progression, or also because men’s careers aren’t negatively affected by children. They’re not expected to take off sick days, do the pick ups, drop offs, etc. Women still are, whether they’re at home or at work. Even when men do the pick ups and drop offs, their career isn’t negatively affected, according to this research. I think this is our underlying problem in society.

This isn’t a SAHM vs. Working parent argument. This is a society argument.

Jesus, this thread has everything. Sponging SAHMs who are only a notch above prostitutes. Money-chasing, cold-blooded WOHMs whose children are neglected afterthoughts. Legacies, rentals and knowing one's worth to the nearest million. Many, many sightings of the greater spotted Mumsnet husband with the Very Important Job. Postman Pat giving a special delivery up against a tree. Tom Hardy and the intriguing prospect of his having lookalikes.
Best of all, is that - could it be? - scottishmummy returned to us under a new nom de plume?

A nanny to cover my DH's job (when he is in this country) would be about £5k a month. That's not including all the overnights they would need to do every other month for 1-2 weeks. That doesn't cover the cleaner, laundry service and ready meals etc. I reckon it would cost about £7k a month to do what i do. DH Earns well - but not that well! It costs a lot less to be a sahp than to pay someone to do those jobs.

I am a low earner so the only thing i'd be achieving is working in a call centre on min wage and the cost of childcare would be more than that would bring in to the household. This idea that if you work you are getting some great sense of achievement is a crock of shit. Lots of people don't have careers, they have jobs. Jobs they hate. If you can earn more money with 1 wage by working together and one person loves their well paid job and the other hates their low paid job why wouldn't you?

I'm not financially vulnerable at all. My sense of achievement doesn't come from just having children, but nor does it for being treated like shit in a crappy job working for some massive soulless company. And i would even question if we need any sense of great achievement. I don't think i know many people who do. They just work/stay at home and get on with their lives. I think it's a modern middle class phenomena that people feel they deserve everything they do to be massively rewarding.

I can't be arsed to read 37 pages of this thread.

OP you started a bun fight.

O gave up my career when I had kids and my OHs career has flourished partly because of my support.

I am having a ball.

Please don't be sad.

"Yesterday 23:34 arethereanyleftatall

So, I've jusT wiki-ed Tom Hardy's wife and it appears that she is indeed a low achieving sahm. Her career is down the drain as she hasn't worked for 2 years. She is gonna be fucked if he divorces her.".
Have I got the wrong person (quite possible). As far as I'm concerned she's a successful actress.

How do I bag a trophy husband like the Middleton ?

LipstickHandbagCoffee I didn't say I don't judge jobs either. I don't just don't judge a person based on their job. Why? Because I recognise that people have jobs based on different needs not necessarily because it is an extension of their personality. You could have a job that is deemed worthy and be a complete wanker, conversely you could be a toilet cleaner and a wonderful person.
I had a niche career pre-children. I thought it made me special and my identity was very much tied up with it. Then I left and realised noone actually gave a shit. That in any job you are replaceable and dispensible and that it is much better to have an intrinsic sense of self worth that doesn't require the validation of others.
A job can be satisfying but it shouldn't define who you are.

Can someone point me towards one of these Tom Hardy lookalikes please?

Can I have a think THe the thread where everyone’s talking about how much money their husband earns please