to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Because you’re implying that the mums without a successful career are worth less. That’s why it’s offensive. It’s the same as when you get SAHM posters slating WOHM posters for their choices (I find that offensive too for the record).

You are judging these women based on their job, which is exactly what men do to put women down.

Do I feel I could be achieving more?

More according to whom? Society? Society across the world values different things. It’s not all about money and career etc.

As it happens, I did have a good career before becoming a sahm. I was a senior marketing manager for a well known luxury cosmetics brand. But I hated working, I hated my job - all the jobs I’ve had- it had no meaning for me. I am much more fulfilled being a sahm to my two children, one of whom has severe autism and attends special school. My dh always had the lower salary but he loves his work. It makes sense for us as a family to do what we’ve done.

papayasareyum I’m not annoyed at SAHM’s I just feel sorry for them.

why wouldn't you hire someone to care for your kids

Maybe, just maybe its coz I like to spend time with my kids shock horror! I feel very grateful to be in a position were I can be a sahm. I enjoy it and love doing things with my kids I wouldn't be able to do if I was still working. Everyone is different but me and dh agreed mutually that I'd be a sahm until all the kids are at school as that's what we would rather and we are in a position were that is possible. I don't know why that's so surprising to you.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Other people who aren’t SAHM’s like spending time with their kids too, that isn’t really a valid argument.

but many mums who are mums also work and this doesn’t make them a less achieving mum, but being a SAHM means you don’t get to be achieving in a career branch. Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

Here we go again. I'm not sure what an "achieving mum" is, to be honest, but if you work then you have less time to spend with your children. The upside of that, obviously, is that you earn money and hopefully career advancement and/or job satisfaction while you do so. Some people prefer to spend more time with their children and forego those earnings/career potential. That's a perfectly valid choice, even if it's not one you wished to make. How vulnerable that leaves you depends very much on a) your personal financial position b) the arrangements you put in place re joint financial assets as a SAHM and c) whether or not you are married.

I'm a SAHM. Not financially vulnerable in any way!

Your last post, just wow. Who the hell do you think you are, please save your sympathy. I'm very happy with my life as a sahm....maybe your a bit jealous take my first ever biscuit

I do see your point. If be really unhappy and unfulfilled if I wasn't successful in my own right, but everyone has different goals and dreams and ambitions. Not everyone is desperate for a fantastic career. For some people their life goal is to have a happy healthy family and they see having kids and a strong marriage as the end goal. So for them, they might be perfectly satisfied being a SAHP with a high earning spouse.

I'm proud of my OH for what he's achieved as I think he's great, smart, hard working etc. He's fantastic. But his achievement at doing the job he does is his. He studied for it and succeeded. It's a type of pride I'd feel for a friend who'd done well too. But I am more proud of what I have achieved in my career as I was the one who put the work in and steered that ship. I wouldn't be just as happy as I am with us both doing well if I hadn't found any success yet he had, as my own development and skills and earning potential mean something to me. I cringe a bit at all of his colleagues wives and partners who can't stop bragging that their OH is a lawyer, doctor, surgeon whatever. Yes, he is. He's done well. But you are equally important, so what have you done?

I dont think it's right to base who you are and your value on your kids.

Its great that SAHMs feel they get to spend quality time with their kids, and that's nice.

Its just a bit weird thats all. Especially when their partners make good money so they could easily afford childcare.

I think its a tiny bit of a cop out.

I’m annoyed at SAHMs! And I was one for years.

It teaches girls/young women that it is a viable ok choice when in reality over half of all marriages breakdown. If you are a SAHM without “legacy’s” you end up shafted in that respect. Xenia for all her faults spoke brilliantly about this. We should not be teaching our daughters that it is a wise or safe move to remove themselves long term from employment. Hunsbands leave. Marriages breakdown. And SAHMs are overwhelmingly left with the shit end of the financial stick.

Life is easier with a sahp once you have numerous children

It's more the bragging that is cringe tbh rather than pride. When someone brags because their OH earns well or is a specific profession. Like... okay? That's them, what about you? When someone feels they're better than anyone else cos they married a surgeon or something. It's insufferable. But I don't see the majority of SAHP bragging like that, they're very much in the minority. This thread makes it sound like it's super common.

Keepingupwiththejonesys I’m not sure what there is to be jealous of to be honest. Not sure where you got that.

Lemonshark Exactly my point! If it were me, I would feel like I wasn’t fully achieving my potential if the only successful thing I’d ever done was raising children, knowing that other parents do that and achieve much more every day. I wouldn’t be happy having a husband who is the higher achiever and being “such and such’s wife” but maybe I’m missing the point and some people are happy with this life and that’s okay if it’s for them. I just wonder why.

Dh is happy with it

Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

Bloody hell. I hope you don’t say that to any SAHMs you know in real life!

I don’t have kids (yet, hopefully some day) and yes I’ve ‘achieved’ a lot in my career, but I’ve never thought for a moment that my friends with kids are ‘achieving’ less than me. They’re raising brand new people! Sounds like a bloody great achievement to me.

I think the other thing is (and i know this is going to sound mean, but): people have given birth and raised children for millennia. I'm sure its really hard work alright, but its not something thats really specific to you, its not something that draws on who you essentially are, your individual talents and skills. You dont have to be a particularly talented or interesting person to have a child, feed and clothe it and make sure it feels valued and happy - in fact look around you and you'll see that any old moron can and does do it, albeit with varying levels of financial or mental health difficulty.

Wow. I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, thanks!

Of course marriages break down. I’ve been divorced before. But you can’t live your whole life based on what might happen. Otherwise no one would ever do anything! You only get one life. You could work for 30 years in a job you hate (if you don’t enjoy working) just to be independent and then die of a heart attack the day you retire and finally get to spend time doing what you love...!

I think it's lovely if parents enjoy being a SAHP and are not financially vulnerable.

But I still think it's weird that on a thread asking what you do and what you earn that you'd give someone else's details!!! No one who worked felt the need to give their husbands particulars.

Autumnfalling I agree, children learn their life lessons from their parents, in surveys given to children it clearly shows that the children reflect the atmosphere of their home life in how they think society should be. Eg, if their mum cooks all the time, it’s the woman who should cook. Similarly, if the woman is always at home and dad is the high earner, it sends a message that this is the way life should be, intended or not.

splendidisolation moron? Lovely

Why do people spend so much time invested in what other people do? Or more to the point why does it matter to you what choices other people make? Being snotty about other people’s choices and sneering doesn’t make you a better person.

Curiositykilledthecat113 your name sounds familiar but cba to check You are beyond Unreasonable in your inaccurate descriptions and generalisations. I'm sure the people who choose to be SAHP (not all parents who SAHP are Mums) don't need to be pitied or patronised by you, a stranger on the Internet. Find yourself a hobby or a job instead. Being goady at the weekend is not something to aspire to especially on a predominantly parent focused forum.

My point being if I had a daughter, save for perhaps the first year of her childs life, I would NOT encourage her to be a SAHM. I would encourage her to seek her financial independence and a reason for being over and above a basic biological function.

My DH is one of these successful people - and couldn't do what he does without me being at home and working part time. Having me dealing with the kids and knowing that there's always someone there has given us the flexibility to say yes to a six month secondment overseas, and means that when there's an emergency at work he doesn't have to worry about childcare or home issues. It's not the sort of job where you can just leave at the end of shift. DH appreciates this too and often acknowledges the contribution we both make to the household income. Some posters like to paint a picture of the man going off to work while the wife stays at home, abused financially, unappreciated and unhappy.

I don't feel vulnerable at all and as others have said we don't play the "my money, your money" game. Everything is joint and has been for 20 plus years. I

This thread is clearly turning into one that slates sahp's...lovely. Yes, I'm well aware people who work enjoy spending time with their kids, I have a few friends who work but would like to spend more time with them.

I just find it quite shocking actually that so many people have the view that being a sahm is a 'cop out'. I'm proud to be one and yes, I do believe my children in their early years are getting a benefit from it as I do things with them they likely wouldn't be doing, some definitely wouldn't be, if in childcare. Whether a working parents or sah parent we make the choice we feel is best for our families and what works best for us. Why does everyone have to throw stones

I find it infuriating not sad. I despise the way married/partnered women who don't work are referred to as Home makers, yet. Lone parents who don't work are "scrounges". Neither party works, so. Why one rule for a 2.4 and another for a single mum/dad.