Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed in gifts, is it just me?

299 replies

Herewegoagain2 · 20/10/2017 22:53

I’ve just reacted openly about a gift that I didn’t like from MIL for our new baby (3rd due in 6weeks). Feeing dreadful for hurting her feelings but I’m just fed up of getting gifts I don’t actually like. Does anyone else feel disappointed when recieving a gift they really don’t like or need? I know I sound really ungrateful and I feel bad about that too, but I feel like it’s such a waste of money and always think about what I would have preferred or liked instead.
As a child I had these feelings too, to the point I would actually rather nothing than an unwanted gift. Sorry that sounds terrible but just how I feel and wondering if I’m the only one?

OP posts:
pilates · 21/10/2017 08:36

Just rude. There are no excuses for it and you’re not setting a good example to your children. You can seeth inwardly though.

MenorcaSunrise · 21/10/2017 08:40

I struggle with my mother with gifts as well - she can't help herself, she loves buying and giving gifts for me, especially as she can get them at a bargain in her country, which makes me feel terrible because they are never things I want or need, for example, clothes that are too small, fancy unnecessary gadgets - she bought us a selfie stick twice even though I told her we didn't need it the first time. She brings them in big suitcases from abroad and barely remembers what she buys. It's part of her culture, gift-giving when you visit someone, so I can't avail her if it completely. I've begged her off, saying I won't use or wear it, we don't have space, so she's cut it down, but she can't stop herself completely. When we had our baby recently she bought us a sling from groupon. It was a nice gesture, but it was from a Chinese company I'd never heard of, and apart from safety reasons, she would be depriving us of choosing something so personal for ourselves. This amongst toys and clothes years too old for baby (we really, really don't have the space), all brought from overseas so it can't be returned.

It's such a terrible waste of money and resources and we are big believers in reducing waste and trying to get everything secondhand. We had been hoping to rely on her generosity to alleviate some of the financial costs of stuff we have to get that is new or expensive, but have ended up buying everything ourselves. I've just learned to put up with it, express gratitude and then give it all to charity. Buying gives her so much pleasure, and it will benefit charity shops and other people more.

So OP, I do understand where you're coming from - I think all you can do is try to point people in the direction of things you really need, but express gratitude anyway if you are given gifts you don't want, give them away and remember that they will bring a lot of joy to other people.

WitchesHatRim · 21/10/2017 08:42

Yes you could of reacted differently but I don't understand why you're getting a hard time. Gifts are sometimes hard to chose and money for some people is tight if I had chosen the wrong gift for someone I'd much prefer that person to tell me so I can get something different. I wouldn't be to happy if it was something expensive and it just ended up in a charity shop just because they didn't want to be honest.

There is a difference between politely telling someone something isn't right and saying 'oh God' as you open it.

The former many would have no issue with, the second is downright rude.

Howsthings1234 · 21/10/2017 08:45

Sorry to hear this OP. Don’t be so hard on yourself you apologised and your MIL knew you were stressed about clutter and plastic overload before she bought the gift. I too find it stressful getting unwanted gifts as it feels like such a waste!

Sparkletastic · 21/10/2017 08:45

Ah I do feel your pain OP. To give the flip side, my DH says I’m fair too proficient at faking enthusiasm for shit gifts (mainly from his mother and sister) as it means they happily continue buying them year after year. SIL once bought me a bottle of Benetint 3 years in a row. I don’t want or use Benetint. MIL gets me enormous dangly earrings year after year. I only wear studs. On the other hand should you ever get either one of them something they consider below par then my word do they let you know it.

BarbaraofSevillle · 21/10/2017 08:46

^I get it op

I hate the thought that money is wasted on something I don’t want or want or will never use

I pretend to be grateful but then my enthusiasm leads to more crap as mil thought I loved it^

So do I. But it seems that the consensus is that it is better that everyone is polite and lies about the fact that they don't like the gift so avoid hurting feelings and people go on for decades buying unwanted gifts of things that no-one wants, needs or can afford to avoid hurting feelings.

Those of you who say 'I buy everyone thoughtful gifts and they love them', do they? Because it seems that almost no-one will tell you if they don't because they aren't allowed to do so.

I may feel quite strongly about this because I've spent the last 20 years gratefully accepting a bottle of hideous sweet rose wine from a friend for birthdays, Christmas, parties etc when I only ever drink cava (or other cheap fizz, I don't expect champagne), G&T or lager.

Some of it languishes in the cupboard, a lot is given away to tombolas or other friends, but I don't drink them, so I'm not benefitting from a gift and it's just a waste of time and money all round and I get to feel guilty about not liking something, but at least her feelings are not hurt and she still gets to feel good about giving a gift, hey? (I often find that all this gift giving, much of which is unwanted or unnecessary, is all about the giver - they are the ones that revel in the opportunity to buy crap by the barrelful and get upset when people say 'please don't get me anything' because they are denied the opportunity to go shopping).

Guavaf1sh · 21/10/2017 08:46

YABU. Obviously

Increasinglymiddleaged · 21/10/2017 08:46

There is a difference between politely telling someone something isn't right and saying 'oh God' as you open it.

Agreed.

But it isn't healthy to 'seethe inwardly' as someone above suggests and it's also rude to give stuff away and not use it. Particularly if the person is a regular visitor to the house so will notice the PlayStation isn't there.

The solution to this type of thing is to be firm not walked all over. It is the OP's house and it is rude to give large gifts like that without checking first I think. So it goes both ways.

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2017 08:50

Can you ask MIL to keep the playmat at her house for when you visit?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 21/10/2017 08:53

Oh, OP, that's mean. Your MIL was trying to do something nice and you threw it back in her face. I'd be mortified if I made my MIL cry.

I agree with other posters who say to give away your previous playmats and keep this one. Then photograph your little one on it and say he/she loves it. And apologise for your previous reaction - say you were hormonal.

ToesInWater · 21/10/2017 08:54

I bought my first nephew one of those noisy drum/music toys that as a parent you would only buy for a household where you hated someone 😂 My sister and I laughed about it later ( she said how lovely, thank you, at the time) but as someone with no kids I thought my nephew would love it and it never occurred to me how much it would drive an adult crazy. If my sister had told me she hated it or what a stupid present it was at the time I would have been gutted! Be the bigger person.

AreThereAnyUsersnamesLeft · 21/10/2017 08:56

If you are struggling to get by and they've given you an ornament when a gift of food would keep you from starving, fair enough to be unhappy.
If you are lucky enough that this does not apply to you, then make it a personal challenge to find a way to like/appreciate the item. Also don't invest so much in what the gift actually is - be grateful they have decided to give you a gift.

diddl · 21/10/2017 08:58

How often do you see her?

Tell her to keep it at hers?

Shame that she bought something that baby already has.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/10/2017 08:59

You'd be having no more gifts from me if I were your MIL. How ungrateful and your DH will be mortified of your behaviour if he was raised with manners. Not an nice example to set to children either.

Why should a third child have to have hand me downs? Do they not deserve something new?

Most people don't bother to buy a gift for a third child yet she picked something that most people buy and use.

Candlefairy101 · 21/10/2017 09:05

I can’t remember ever being disappointed by a gift, I must of been a deprived child or something because I can get excited about anything new! Grin

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 09:07

I’m with you op. There is so much emphasis on gift giving and it equates to a house full of crap and wasted cash and ienvironmentally is utterly disasterous. But most people madly think no let’s all be polite and suck up all the crap and ruin our planet. The sensible thing is always to know what people want or to ask them.

karategirl · 21/10/2017 09:07

Send your MIL some flowers, keep the new one and take the one you have left from your older children to the charity shop. If this is a one off reaction, then try not to beat yourself up about it. If you regularly react in this way, then you really need to work on it. And I agree with another poster - it sounds like this is actually referred anxiety for the new baby, rather than being about the gift in and of itself...

WelshMumof1 · 21/10/2017 09:10

Be a little bit disappointed internally if you want but there's really no need to be rude and make someone else feel bad for trying to be nice! Look at the intent - did they genuinely give you something they thought was a good gift or were they being malicious in any way? If there was no ill intent there, learn to accept it with grace. If it's no good and you can't take it back / exchange it then donate it to charity.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 21/10/2017 09:11

Why should a third child have to have hand me downs? Do they not deserve something new?

Yeah let's buy all new for the third child and send everything we already have to landfill. In what way do babies give a shit whether they have a new playmat?

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 09:13

Gift giving has got really stupid. People give so much pointless shite. Such a waste of their time, your timegettibg rid of it, the environment, their cash, your space and also it shows how little they really know your family. That’s why we mostly use people’s lists for xmas/birthdays/births.

why12345 · 21/10/2017 09:19

There is a difference between politely telling someone something isn't right and saying 'oh God' as you open it.

The former many would have no issue with, the second is downright rude.

Which is why I said she could of reacted differently! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 09:21

Probably best to expect nothing and then when you’re given stuff mentally allocate it to various charities. That way you can say thankyou and stick it in the boot of your car and drop it at the charity shop.

Also get DH to ask mil if she minds if you name a few things you and the the children would appreciate at xmas. He can give her links to gifts. He can say he was sorry everyone was so upset today and that it wasn’t personal

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 09:23

Don’t feel bad op. Clearly overwhelmed and over worked and it was the icing on the cake.

editingfairy · 21/10/2017 09:25

There's nothing wrong with being specific for yourself - 'MIL, I'd really like this candle' - give her the web link - 'or the new Ted Baker perfume' - show her the Boots catalogue. 'I'm so fussy, you know what I'm like.'

But I think you handled this badly. Your poor MIL. She must have been imagining her new GDD playing on it, and thought you would ike it.

GreenTulips · 21/10/2017 09:27

I agree on all the waste

We had little money when the kids were younger always in need of using ultrasound gifts - such as shoes or trips etc so yes it's disappointing when people buy crazy expensive gifts when you can hardly afford to cloth and feed the kids

I'm not saying that's true of OP, but it will be true of a lot of young families

All this 'Oh be fearful' is really causing a lot of issues

Why can't we say 'sorry that won't be used/we don't have space/ we'd much prefer X?

Babies don't need new things, they need love warmth and food