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AIBU?

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Original poster

You're so lucky that your husband helps around the house

180 replies

zumabuma · 20/10/2017 14:29

What is wrong with society these days? I am "lucky" that my husband "helps" me around his own house???!!
Helps???
This use of word I'd really bringing me to a rage just lately. This is supposed to be the 21st century when women go out to work too, why are young women still so "grateful" when their husband does something to "help" at home?
It's angering me. My DH is almost given angel-like treatment by female friends, because he's so "helpful."
He does his share. That's it!

OP posts:
Original poster
zumabuma · 22/10/2017 08:49

www.scarymommy.com/things-i-put-up-with-only-because-love-my-husband/?utm_source=FB
Generally just browsing facebook and I stumble upon this article. This man cannot find things for himself so his wife will jump up and find it for him, she also excuses him for not being able to do his own dishes. He's "perfect" for her regardless.

She sounds like his mother.

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 22/10/2017 08:51

I remember having a full on screaming row with my ex when I came home from work to him doing the ironing. I sat down and he got upset because I didn’t tell him what a wonderful job he had done of all the housework he had tackled. I pointed out that he never congratulated me when I’d managed to empty the dishwasher or do the laundry but the real straw that broke this camels back was when he said “I’ve cleaned the bathroom for you”. He didn’t agree when I said no, not for me, we all use the bloody bathroom! You cleaned it because it needs doing and get over yourself because housework is a thankless task.

Why do men need congratulations on doing the most basic of housework? It’s so rare a man compliments a woman on doing all that laundry. That said my husband does notice and says it looks nice or I can tell you’ve been busy.

Original poster
zumabuma · 22/10/2017 08:52

Booie09 I see your situation as completely differently as your DC is at school and you have the morning at home to do the necessary housework. However, when DH does do a bit of housework/dishes/laundry he's still not "helping" you as it's still his house to care for too. This is the point.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 22/10/2017 09:04

Can I just clarify I do NOT think women should do everything. I also can't stand congratulating men for lifting a finger and hate the phrase 'babysitting'

It doesn't change my view that WHOEVER is staying at home should be doing a larger PROPORTION of the housework.

Evening chores and responsibility should be shared out (e.g. bed time / bath time / doing dishes after tea etc).

Why is it so bloody taboo on MN to dare to suggest that someone at home (especially when kids are in nursery/school) might actually have time to do something?

Original poster
zumabuma · 22/10/2017 09:19

Maisypops that is not what people are saying,if you had explained that DCS are at school, then it's completely different. The disagreement was about SAHPS having to do the lions share of the work whilst they are busy taking care of DCS AT HOME.

Although aside from this, the actual point of the thread is about men being praised/admired for doing any housework at all.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2017 09:21

Why is it so bloody taboo on MN to dare to suggest that someone at home (especially when kids are in nursery/school) might actually have time to do something?

It's bizarre isn't it? The posters saying "your children must not be getting the attention they deserve if you have time to clean" are the worst. Children should have time to play independently.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/10/2017 09:25

Allowing a 1year old to play independently, especially in a space contains older preschoolers, requires, ime, fairly constant attention and occasional intervention Smile

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/10/2017 09:26
  • Containing
BorisTrumpsLair · 22/10/2017 09:37

"No. Your so unlucky your H sees you as a cleaning vagina".

LittleBooInABox · 22/10/2017 09:40

I think if that's how they want there life to be. Then go for it. My boyfriend does a few jobs around the house. I work the lesser hours, I'm home more. Makes sense I do the lions share.

MaisyPops · 22/10/2017 09:44

xumba
I do think whoever is at home should do more whatever the age. My referenve to school etc is because there is no end of women on MN who are so busy whatever age their children are and yet bitch about their DP not doing 50% of the housework after a day at work (often with 'but i have been doing childcare and you wouldnt ask a childminder to...)

I'm not in favour if praising men for just lifting a finger, but I do think some SAHP bitch unreasonably about what their WOHP does/doesn't do.

Both work full time = 50/50 split
One part time/one full time = part time does a little bit more but all evening duties are shared
One SAHP/One WOHP = SAHP does proportionally more of the housework. All evening duties are shared.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of being in a relationship with a man who subscribed to the wifework model. Thankfully, we both work on the principle of whoever is at home does more. When he was a mature student, he did more because he was at home more. It's all very logical.

MaisyPops · 22/10/2017 09:45

LittleBooInABox
You speak perfect sense.
Whoever is at home more should do more. It's not rocket science.

Sadly, suggesting this must mean you are happy with men doing nothing and women doing everything and men being given gold stars for picking a hoover up.

FineAsWeAre · 22/10/2017 09:54

'Helps'?! My MIL is guilty of this kind of attitude. I have a very physically demanding job and I'm also a student. My other half works in an office in a (by his own admission) relatively easy job. He does far more than me in the house and I always get told I'm 'so lucky' and that he 'works so hard'. Yes he's a fantastic husband and dad and I appreciate him but I don't see it as luck. I chose him and if he was lazy/workshy/whatever he'd have to change his ways or leave. I work damn hard too and take our DS for all sorts of lovely days out etc in the holidays but OH never gets told that he's lucky to have me! It's not seen as helping when I clean or bake (admittedly I rarely cook because I'm crap at it). If I was at home all day every day I would do more but I'm not so I don't.

StrawberryMummy90 · 22/10/2017 09:58

OP you sound like a very caring wife. Any suggestions about your 'D'P helping out are met with defense and 'oh I want him to get his sleep' or 'he's just having a lie in I'm waiting for him to wake up' etc.

Does he care for you and your sleep as much? Does he sacrifice his wants for what you need? Doesn't sound like he does. It doesn't sound like he's helping at all really. He's taken the 'easier' child who is older and sleeping through, making it look like this is a huge help and carrying on with his life whilst it seems your stuck with a non sleeping baby and no real support. It's not just a nanny you need, you need a DP that steps up and actually helps.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/10/2017 10:01

Oh nonsense! All this should! People can do whatever they want. When either I or DP have the kids alone (both work less than 1 wte so we can have that time) we hang out with the kids. On weekends we clean and batch cook and we do it together so it gets done quickly. Our house is a bit of a mess by Friday but we don't care. That works for us, others can do whatever works for them I just think it's important it works for everybody, women and children included!

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/10/2017 10:02

Sorry op, total derail Blush

Ecureuil · 22/10/2017 10:02

I’m a SAHM to two pre schoolers. I do the larger share of the housework as I have more opportunity to do so (I don’t get when people say SAHM’s are ‘at home all day’ though, do they not take their children out?). When DH is at home, everything else that needs doing is split 50:50. We would never have a situation where one of us is sat on our arse watching TV and the other one is doing housework for example. After the DD’s are in bed we both tackle what needs doing together, and when it’s done we both relax.
FIL insists I am luckily to have his son as he ‘helps out round the house’. I replied that I wouldn’t have married someone who thought it was reasonable for the woman to do 100% of the housework (for context, FIL said this when we were both working full time, no DC and I was the higher earner).

Original poster
zumabuma · 22/10/2017 10:16

Maisypops... you seem to have a a bee in your bonnet about "there are women on MN who are so busy no matter what age their children are." This doesn't apply in this case. Nobody on this thread has said that men need to do more even when DCS are at school all day and women at home. I really don't see the relevance of your arguments on this thread at all.
Many of the women who have commented have young children who are not at school all day, they are certainly not ladies of leisure, which appears to be the issue you have with "some" women who argue men should do more.

OP posts:
HornyTortoise · 22/10/2017 10:18

The attention he was getting from women in there was staggering: it was like he himself had given birth at the very least! Women approached me after I’d sat down to congratulate me on “landing such a perfect catch”!!

DH still gets tghis now, and ours are 3 and 4. Youngest was in a pram still until fairly recently and we have random women stopping us in the street to congratulate DH on 'pushing the pram' and stuff. He was always a bit Hmm about it and used to say that other men must be really fucking awful for such a fuss to be made over something so trivial

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/10/2017 10:18

This annoys me in another way. I’m not lucky-I just picked a man to marry who is an adult and shares the household tasks. There is no element of ‘helping’ involved.

Same here. I wouldn't share a house with a man who didn't share my values. That isn't luck.

problembottom · 22/10/2017 10:29

I never hear people say things like this. All my family and friends share housework and childcare, or at least don't divide them according to gender, they often outsource them. My dad does the majority of the housework as my mum has health problems, same with DPs folks.

MaisyPops · 22/10/2017 10:34

Ecureuil You speak perfect sense to me.

OP My issue is with anyone at home bitching about the reasonable expectation that they do more (which happens loads on MN). Often that is women bitching about men not doing 50% of the house stuff qhen they've been at work

Increasinglymiddleaged I'm with you. I'm not lucky to have a man who pulls his weight around the house. I simply wouldn't have married a man child or a man who thinks that he "helps" around the house.
When I'm off during school holidays I do more. When he has his company's shut down leave he does more. This isn't luck.

Oblomov17 · 22/10/2017 10:35

No I don’t think it’s lucky. Some women put up with men who do nothing. That’s their choice. I too made a choice. A long time ago, I just knew Dh was a ‘good’un’.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/10/2017 10:37

My referenve to school etc is because there is no end of women on MN who are so busy whatever age their children are and yet bitch about their DP not doing 50% of the housework after a day at work (often with 'but i have been doing childcare and you wouldnt ask a childminder to...)

I have never ever read this. Many men because they work expect to be waited on hand and foot when they are at home. Meaning the woman works 24/7 and he does 40 hours a week.

thecatsarecrazy · 22/10/2017 10:40

Well yes it should be equal but in a lot of homes its not. My "d"h has never done his fair share. If i took the advice on here i should have ltb a long time ago but after 11 years married nothing has changed.