To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

And the bonus of a home birth is that you have 2 to 1 care, potentially 3 to 1 if a student midwife attends (who can at least help with some things if needed). You don't have those kinds of ratios in hospital and that alone is related to improved outcomes.

I've definitely been told by my midwife that there will be an ambulance on standby nearby and case of an emergency, and that the threshold to use the ambulance is very very low ie the slightest sign of anything going wrong and you are blue lighted straight to hospital.

After reading all the comments I will be probing the midwife a bit more at my next appointment...

My midwife did also say that it's only really worth trying for a home birth if both the woman and her birth partner are comfortable with it as a stressing birth partner makes things more stressful and less likely to be successful.

A lot of midwives become midwives after a very positive experience of having their own children and this is often in a home environment. I do think it's selfish to take these resources away from hospitals, though.

He’s only saying no because he’s worried. Has he talked to the MW? I think that would be the best option for a qualified 3rd party to mediate. Yes it is your body your choice but if something does go wrong, even if unlikely, it has a HUGE impact on your husband.

I went for a home birth with independent midwife. Ended up ambulanced to hospital as I couldn’t get dd out. We are so lucky there were no complications besides dd being in slightly the wrong position and having her hand on her face.

After trying all evening, I was too ill/tired to push anymore. Dd was delivered very fast with forceps after the doctor had turned her. Firstly they despatched a first response vehicle, despite being told there were two midwifes on hand, which was distressing. The man had a chat with the midwives and finally got the ambulance out.

The whole experience was pretty horrendous and despite being only 15 mins away by ambulance and 1-30/2am the drive was awful and terribly uncomfortable. I didn’t want water at all but I had never fancied it from the get go but had been advised my the midwife I’d be better to try at home due to my chronic pain. I was against an epidural btw in case it exacerbated the situation. The birth did that anyway.

Whatever you decide, do also factor in whether you could stand to go through all of this as well.

Hiya, as a GP you should be looking at the evidence before dishing out advice based on your own assumptions.

I think he sounds like a bit of an arsehole.

I would kind of understand the home birth thing (if it was just that alone he had issue with) but the water stuff is just bizarre?

It's akin to saying he doesn't want you to have pain relief in my book and that is fucking nasty and mean and just so wrong.

Also, I would be very cautious about access to a birthing pool forming a central part of the plan. You really can't predict what your body will want during labour. During my first, I spent hours in the bath, during my second, I absolutely couldn't bear to be anywhere near water. (Funnily enough, she was the one who was also terrified of the water until she was 6)

30 minutes is a fair way to have to go if something went wrong, so I can understand where he is coming from.
However it is your choice. Why is he so against a water birth? I agree with pp, show him the benefits, it may help put his mind at ease.
A birthing partner should support your decisions, and at this point, for whatever reasons, yours doesn't seem to want to, so I think you need to ask him why that is.
(I gave birth in a birth centre. I didn't give birth in the pool, but I was in it for a while and it really did help a lot with the pain, and made me feel much more relaxed. I would recommend anyone tries it, if it is safe for both mum and baby and they are able to).

Fundamentally it is your choice, not his.
30 minutes is a long way though if something does go wrong. The advice I was given was not to have a home birth the first time as the odds of requiring medical intervention are much higher first time round.
Do you do any NCT classes? My husband found these really helpful and he found it easier to talk freely about his concerns with other soon-to-be dads there. They answered a lot of his questions, I hadn't realised how little he knew until then (guess it just wasn't something he'd ever put much thought into).
I had my DD at hospital, but in a midwife led centre. I got the water birth I wanted and the midwives were supportive and quite good at subtly exuding an "I'm not here unless/until you want me" vibe IYSWIM. It wasn't unnecessarily medicalised. They were stretched tight (she was born on the most popular birthday of the year) but as they had a birthing pool in all but one delivery room it wasn't a problem. I hadn't booked as such as my DD was nearly two weeks early. Although no hospitals guarantee a water birth will be possible, can you get a bit more info on the odds?
Definitely your choice, and it's a big life moment. However, it's only one day and your relationship with your DH will be much longer.

hiyasminitsme as i say, it wasnt really planned! The plan was phone mum (done on first contraction), to look after DS1 and head off to hospital. DS2 had plans quicker than that. It was exceptionally fast. He would have been delivered by DH if the paramedics had taken much longer. And yes, it was over a year ago.

I agree it’s your choice 100%.... but word of caution, it’s your first, so you haven’t yet experienced labour and it can be harder first time. I was so set on a water birth with the oils and whale music (lols) but in hospital as we too are rural and had a 30 min drive to hospital. All went out the window, long difficult labour and then emergency C. Since giving birth I’d say at least 2/3 of mums I’ve met had complications and C sections with their first, I’m actually shocked when I meet someone who had a straightforward labour and natural birth. That’s only my experience of course, but listen to your DH AND make sure he listens to you. My DH says watching me go through what I did was the most terrifying thing. Good luck with everything OP!!

If someone's having a heart attack they don't say, no sorry, no ambulance as we need to keep one back as there's someone having a home birth! Ambulances are deployed by need they don't refuse to attend emergencies in case somebody else has an emergency 🤔. They will send the next available ambulance. They won't keep one in the garage in case you need it!

He does not object to the birth pool though does he!

It's ultimately your choice.

However, I had a quick, problem free birth in a birthing pool until I got out and then the midwife realised I was having a massive PPH and hit the emergency button. I lost 2ltrs and had to have a couple of transfusions despite the emergency team being there in a minute or two. I personally wouldn't risk it with the hospital so far away.

What has your Midwife recommend/advised? I wanted a homebirth but the Midwife said the hospital were not keen to support them as they have to send two midwifes out, which leaves them two short in maternity. When I gave birth, one midwife stayed then two were required in the room for delivery.

Not only that, she said you may need to go into hospital after if baby doesn't perform well on his apgar tests.

As for a water birth, that's never guaranteed unless you have your own pool and even then, if there are problems with baby in labour, you can't always go in the pool, even if you are home.

My friend had a homebirth but didn't have a midwife, only a doula. Would this be an option?

Britt, I think only a doula is stepping even further away from what the OP's DH wants.

Intervention isn't immediate in hospital either. It takes time to prep theatre, bleep the medics.

The full attention of two midwives is a safety measure you wouldn't get in hospital. Their threshold for transferring in is very conservative.

Have a look at homebirth.org and read the research. Also have a chat with your midwife / the home birth team to help understand how they deal with different eventualities at home. There really is very little that can't be done at home. Talking through these things might reassure dh.

Keep an open mind. I tried to labour in water and it slowed contractions down. And made me cold and shivery.

I've had a hospital birth, two home birth and a planned home birth that turned out to be a transfer in and a trip to theatre.

I would choose home birth if I was planning to have any more children.

Haven't rtft

I'm pro home birth. I've had two myself. My mw wouldn't have agreed to me having one if DH wasn't on board. She specifically met with him to check he was okay with it and understood it all.

I hope you can get your dh to change his mind. Will he agree to read some literature?

When I was pregnant with DS2, all of my scans were fine and there were no concerns raised. I would have qualified for a home birth.

Unfortunately he was born with a rare congenial abnormality that is almost impossible to detect antenatally. He needed to be resuscitated in the first minutes of his life and would have died if we were 30 mins away from the neonatalogists who stabilised him. He's fine now because we were at hospital.

I think 30 mins is too much of a risk.

The ambulance on standby is a total lie. Like a pp I have seen a first response motorbike despatched to a labouring women despite there being two midwifes in attendance already, that was obs no good to her and the ambulance took ages as there were simply none available. Would be good to look at how your local trust is doing at the mo with ambulance response times. If you are hireing the pool to have at home can't you hire one to take in to hospital if the rooms are big enough?

I think him being anti water birth full stop is skewing the perspective on whether he is being unreasonable by being against a home birth.

As several other have pointed out, it's not 30 minutes from phoning to being seen by someone in hospital. It'll easily be an hour+.

So... HINBU to be concerned about home birth - though he should be doing his own research and engaging as a conversation. I think actually this is a joint decision - whilst it is YOUR labour, he also stands to lose his wife and child, so a valid concern over home birth safety shouldn't be ignored on the basis that you will be the one in labour.

However, HIBVVU to be not supportive of you having a water birth. It doesn't increase any risks for you or baby.

His attitude to water birth makes you think he has a general dislike for anything anti standard hospital birth, which makes it harder to see his home birth concern objectively and tell if it is a genuine thought out concern or a blanket reaction to not being in hospital.

I had planned to have a homebirth, I had a very long early stage of labour (days not hours) and because I was two weeks over due had to go for a scan in hospital and I was offered another stretch and sweep to see if we could move things along and my waters broke. Everything was fine with both the baby and I and they said we could go home again if we wanted for a homebirth. I had a very strong feeling he wasn't going to come out of his own accord so I stayed in. It was a c section in the end because nothing was happening, there was no rush or panic about in fact the hospital would have left me longer. There was no unbearable pain until I had to go on the dreaded drip. I am still glad I planned a homebirth and because of this earlier in the week when I was struggling with early labour a lovely community midwife came out in the early hours and spent a few hours with us which was really reassuring and helpful. What I was always told is if you plan a homebirth you can change your mind at any stage and go to hospital but you can't plan a hospital birth and change to a home birth. You have to do what you feel is best for you.