To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

I am co,ing at this from the point of view of my niece and SiL nearly dying at home though.... the stupid cow thought because she is a total Yogi and into meditation and and natural remedies her body would do what it was 'designed to do' naturally because child birth should be totally natural.

Anyway, she was 15 mins away from hospital and they both nearly died. Hard to forgive her for putting my brother through that.

There is no ambulance waiting for you, don;t be so daft. Have you any idea how stretched the ambulance service is?

Have you watched the BBC programme Ambulance recently? Watch a couple. There are not ambulances kept on standby. What a ridiculous waste of resources that would be. I would be that she feels happy to lie to you like that tbh.

Re. a home birth. I have had a hospital birth, home birth and hospital water birth. Home was my favourite but happily had an advised hospital birth for my last child. You will have a good experience in the birthing centre and the pool will be set up and ready to use (unless someone is in it of course). I'm confused as to how you are going to have a water birth at home if you can't afford to rent a pool. Do community midwives now bring birthing pools with them? My home birth was years ago.

Do take your DH's opinions in to consideration. He is scared. It's hard for men to process the risks and fears around birth I think. He cares for you and wants you to be as safe as possible. Be honest and discuss the concerns with the midwife with your DH present if at all possible.

They have ambulances on standby for home births?

No.

Perhaps we were exceedingly lucky?

Not exceedingly lucky; your call was given a higher priority (imminent birth is given one of the highest priorities because we want paramedics there with you to help you deliver - call handlers are trained to help you deliver your baby but it doesn't really compare to a medically-trained pair of hands in the room with you!).

Response times and priorities vary by trust but an imminent birth would be graded very highly and would have a response in the shortest possible time.

This is one of the few times I feel for men. It must be absolutely frightening for a man to have no ultimate say in this. The woman he loves, his unborn child....the 'what if's' must be flying around his head like a runaway train. He is not stupid, he'll know must home births go well without complications. But he'll also know it can go horribly wrong in a hospital never mind stuck in a house with no medical support except midwives and what's in their bags. I get why he's concerned and I feel he must feel so lost that you don't have the same fears as he does. Imagine this was your daughter....would you feel more comfortable knowing she was in a place where things all the medical support was there 'in case'.....or would you truly be 100% happy with her to have her first at home?

Only you can make the decision, and it is you and not your husband who will have to go through this. If you truly feel this is the birth for you, then you need to sit with him and explain that you have listened to him, and you have thought this through very very carefully, but this is something you feel very strongly about and you are the one who is going to have to go through the pain etc. If he insists that you are overiding him or not taking his opinions into this, explain again that you have. And having weighed it all up, if you were to go with him on this, then it would be you being overidden by him. Its a no-win situation.

Just think it through....reverse the roles, think of wat you'd advise a friend etc....

Good luck!

If a MW told you that about ambulances I would be really worried about what other info she is giving out and would consider a formal complaint against her.

All these folk slagging off home births... they're statistically safer. There's no getting away from that. And yes, it's all adjusted for the fact that those transferring from home are already having issues, etc.

Women labour better in a home environment. In hospital, more intervention, stressful environment = not great conditions to labour.

More than that. There are plenty of folk who DO want to be in a hospital environment and feel much safer. That's great. Then there are the folk who can't bear the thought of being in that more public environment and feel inhibited, unsafe, stressed, unable to relax there. They are, unsurprisingly, the ones more likely to have a tougher time in hospital. OP is in this camp.

There is also the fact that with a first baby especially, if labour is slowing, if things don't progress once waters have been gone for a while, OP would transfer. It's not a case of choosing to stay home for days and see what happens and ending up with a life or death situation. It's just not like that.

None of this is to say OP should have a home birth. But she should absolutely be weighing this up herself and ideally with the SUPPORT of her husband, and the main thing coming from this thread is that she really doesn't have that. Instead she has someone who seems to think he gets to have an opionion even on whether she should labour in water. Which is bang out of order.

OP, talk to the midwives, talk to the hospital, and tell your H that he needs to wind his neck in or you'll get a doula - home birth or not.

Silver, a bit unfair I think. She could not have known it would go wrong and all women without complications have a right to make the decision for a home birth. Are you saying your brother was adamantly against it and she insisted? Still not her fault that things went wrong. Unless she lied to midwives about existing conditions in order to get her home birth.

You won't feel particularly comfortable, confident or in control wherever you give birth. And if anything goes wrong you won't care what they do to you!

Your DH does have a say in this situation,especially if you plan to share the parenting. Don't shut him out right at the start. He's genuinely concerned-and I would be too.

But not being able to use one because of no other reasons apart from availability is what makes me anxious and upset

But you might not be able to use one even if you have a home birth. If things go wrong, you'll need to be taken to hospital and the professionals will do whatever they need to do to make sure you and baby are safe.

You're not in control of your labour. Are you really happy to be 30+ minutes away from hospital if you start to haemorrhage, or need an emergency C-section, or the cord is round the baby's neck? That's a huge risk to take.

I think see if you can find out what home birth resources there are in your area and connect your dh with those. Is there a home birth group? Start going to those sessions. Are there other families your midwife might point you to who have had home births with their team and dads who would be willing to talk with your dh about their experiences? There's also a good home birth book for dads. I forget what it's called, but it's like, 'home birth handbook for dads' or something similarly obvious.

I had a home birth with my first and also planning one with my second. My dh was supportive from the start, but still nervous (I have many friends who have had home births before so it's not weird for me, but my dh didn't really even have any close friends who'd had children yet at that point, let alone a home birth). We went to our local home birth support group (run by the hospital) and he got to talk to some other families and it all really clicked. Home birth for dads is also often really empowering. In hospital, they are sort of an extra and they often feel pushed out after the birth when visiting hours are over and they have to leave. But at home, it's a very different dynamic. You're often there alone together for quite awhile, he can be very involved, and you get left together in peace after instead of being kicked out and sent home. I've never met a dad who didn't have positive things to say about it after the birth, so talking to someone who has been in his shoes might really help.

Ultimately, it is your choice, but I suspect you want to feel supported on the day and someone else's negative vibes and nerves can impede your labour (that's not a reason to opt for a hospital birth if you don't feel comfortable, but it is a good reason to help him feel comfortable ahead of the day).

Also, ignore all this rubbish about the risks of water births. The whole legionnaires thing has nothing to do with home birth. The kinds of pools that harbour legionnaires are ones with filtration heating systems. I don't even think these are available in the UK anymore, certainly they were never commonly used. There is no risk of legionnaires in a birth pool that isn't using a filter (your average home birth hire pool doesn't have a filter, just maybe don't fill it up with your garden hose, use a clean, sterile hose pipe). In fact, the hospital birth pools do pump water in from pipes, which poses more of a risk. They should be cleaned and sterile and equally should pose no risk, but that's just to point out that the risk of legionnaires is much higher in hospital than a home birth, so don't let that freak you out.

I just wanted to add - you can have a very confident and ‘in control’ birth in a hospital too you know. I’ve had two. You’re not strapped into stirrups with a doctors hand up your vagina. In both my births I only had one internal examination and for the second one, DH and I were left alone (in a good way) until the last 15 minutes. In a ‘normal’ risk-free labour it can be very non medical if you want. That’s the kind of labour you would need to stay at home anyway.

Whoever was told that there are ambulances on standby in the area for home births was talking absolute bullshit. In fact I think it's terrifying that that kind of rubbish is pedalled to anyone who dares to express an opposing view and wonder how many women and babies' lives could be put at risk with that kind of miss-informed rubbish.

I live in the London area, and at peak times it can be possible to take up to an hour for an ambulance to arrive for the most severe emergencies i.e.patient in complete collapse etc. Add to that a 30 minute trip to the nearest hospital and you could be looking at both a dead mother and baby, a dead baby or one with severe life-altering disabilities.

Apologies if this has been mentioned lots already, but I have only had a chance to skim through - your hospital is a 30 minute drive away. I hope you have also considered that it may take a very long time to get an ambulance out to you? I recently called 999 for an elderly, vulnerable person with a severe head injury, and it took over an hour to get to us. Whilst in A&E, I saw the 999 ambulance lines not being answered for over 10 minutes.

Basically, you cannot ever guarantee that if you call 999 that firstly it will be answered, and secondly that they will be able to get an ambulance out to you. This is sadly a reflection of the current situation. Please consider what would happen if the life of you or your baby was in danger whilst in labour at home.

Home births are safer IF everything goes the way it should. They're not safer when things start to go wrong and there's no doctor or whatever on hand to help.

Absolutely no Ambulance on standby.

I don't agree that your husband has 'no say' but he probably needs to be more receptive to your feelings. It's hard because you are worried about a poool being available, ultimately he is worried about you and the baby. He is not pregnant and probably hasn't done as much research as you. His feelings are as valid as yours but you are coming at this from different angles.

Please don't be fully set on a waterbirth anyway as things happen in every stage which means it isn't possible. People who have their heart set one something have a much harder time dealing with the consequences when things go wrong or change.

A home birth for your first? Possible but I'm not sure it's a great idea. I'm not thrilled by home births anyway though. I work in an emergency department and have attended a number of people who have come in from home only to end up in our resus department having their baby because they wouldn't make it up to delivery

You want a guaranteed birth pool rather than a guaranteed access to a doctor, pain relief, an anaesthetist, life support, nicu🙄
I'm with your dh. You could be waiting a long time for an ambulance. I was transferred from one hospital to another by ambulance in labour and being in labour in the back of an ambulance is not nice I can tell you.

All these folk slagging off home births... they're statistically safer.

This true. And most of my friends have had great homebirths. I was just unlucky. But you can be unlucky in hospital too.
As for this (whoever wrote it)
the stupid cow thought because she is a total Yogi and into meditation and and natural remedies her body would do what it was 'designed to do'

Quite the ray of sunshine you are eh. Your poor sil, for having to put up with you as a relative. Very unpleasant of you.

I think people are naive to assume that a hospital is an inherently safer place to give birth. I've seen disastrous outcomes in hospitals that actually may have been avoided at home where the woman has 1-1 and nearer the end 2-1 care. On the otherhand there are a few babies that I have looked after that may have had worse outcomes if born at home - however, a lot of these seem to happen due to over medicalisation - something you don't have at home.
I think his views do matter, however what would annoy me is that he refuses to look into anything further. If after he researched he still wasn't happy, I would be more inclined to discuss a compromise (midwife led unit/birth centre).
wow.homebirth.org.uk is a good starting point and goes through all the 'what ifs'.

I do think that too much emphasis is put on birth plans and you do need to be open minded. I planned homebirths with mine but have never had one - with my first when my waters went they were full of meconium (this was before any contractions) and it was safer for me to be in hospital - an option I had never even considered!

FizzyGreenwater's posts are fabulous - sensible and well informed.

OP, YANBU at all. Your h is being extremely U. He must do research around this. Many women feel safer and more relaxed at home and are able to labour much better. There's no risk of hospital acquired infection. You have your own midwife.

www.nct.org.uk/birth/home-birth-safe
www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/births-at-home-or-in-hospital-risks-explained/

I'd want another birth partner. You need to be absoluely able to trust your partner and know they are your advocate. I don't think your h is your advocate. Couuld you afford a doula? Or ask your mum or a close friend to be your birth partner?

Some of the horror and ignorance around home births on this thread is shocking.

I understand that as the woman giving birth we get a bigger vote if you like BUT as joint parents I believe that both the mother and father get to have a day in things that affect the baby.
It depends on how you are going about this if both you and your DH are butting heads and just saying it’s your way or the high way then that’s not good on either part but if you can sit down and discuss all aspects of the birth and the effects of each decision on ALL parties involved then that will lead to a much calmer and happy birth of everyone is on board with the decisions made.

was actually very positive about my home birth desire

Isn't it cheaper than being in hospital, weren't they told to push home births because of this?

there are ambulances in the area on standby for these types of things, I.e severe complications that need to get the patient into hospital ASAP

They would be diverted if a mayor emergency happened, multi car crash, terrorist attach, sever weather etc, so you couldn't count on this

If he is like most men, he is worried about you first and foremost, closely followed by his baby, he wants you both to be safe.

Of course your birth experience/autonomy matters to him, but as he is not going through the process himself, he feels it's his role to protect you all and weighing up all the possible risks/sequellae if things don't go to plan.... He'd feel happier if you were in/very near a hospital.

Could you cope with his stress/anxiety on the day when really it's confident support you need? My oh is medical and experienced with births but was a bag of nerves during my labour as he'd heard on the grapevine an acquaintance of his had lost a baby to an undiagnosed breech a few weeks prior to out first baby... He relaxed once he could see the head and was far more useful after that. Obviously birth is worse for us, but being a bystander to something painful and scary for someone you love is traumatic too.

Plus you might find that the distance/ambulance actually too much if it turns out you really could do with an epidural after all (if labour is very long, needs assistance/episiotomy/big tear etc) there's no shame in changing your mind and no medals for no pain relief. Even without a big emergency/turn of events.

Is there a nice midwife led unit nearby... They can be much quieter and friendlier than a big labour ward?

Also, for the records, home birth midwives in the UK are very well trained and are able to manage a PPH at home, a baby who needs oxygen, cord around the neck, etc. These are all really routine events in midwifery and any trained midwife will have the skills and also the equipment to manage them in an emergency situation. If any were to occur, which is statistically less likely when you're at home, they are perfectly capable of stablising you if you do need to go into hospital while you wait for the transfer. It's all very standard and it's usually all managed very calmly. Even in hospital, 'emergency' c-sections take time, and they don't happen within 5 minutes of the call being made in most cases (often you end up waiting for the theatre to be sterilised and prepared, consent to be done, surgical prep to take place, etc. So in the case of a home birth, all that happens, usually very calmly, while you transfer and they're ready and waiting for you when you arrive.

Risk assessment. If all goes well, fine. If you need an ambulance there simply may not be one. That's how it is.

Make a choice, but get real and accept the consequences of choices.

I didnt think there would be an ambulance loitering outside her home and ignoring other calls, more like the ambulance station would be aware that a home birth was going on and the address so that they could get one there if needed and she is within 15 minutes in a very urban area, and yes i would expect a blue light to and from her