To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

I think a lot depends too on where you live and when your baby is due. If your child is due in the depths of winter and you live in the middle of nowhere then that is a different scenario to being urban when road conditions are likely to be better. Though no one can guarantee that an ambulance would be available in an emergency as it could easily be called elsewhere.

I think if you are dead set on a home birth then make the arrangements, but be prepared to change things if towards the end of your pregnancy other factors come into play. The important thing is that you end up with a healthy baby. You might also want to explore other birth plans that could work for both of you.

I agree with hetero as well and think that was phrased very well. In addition to being his baby as well as OPs, it is also his home.

Let's leave aside the home birth here. Yes, you should choose. Homebirths are statistically safer, that said, you are a good distance from the hospital so that is a complicating factor. One can understand his fears here, but the trump card is - if you go into hospital when you really don't feel safer or more comfortable there, you're on the back foot from the start, tense, exposed, unhappy. Not the best situation to labour well and THAT is the reason why a woman's preferences should be paramount - because they are likely to mean an easier, better labour.

But. Aside from that. There is more to this.

Your DH's whole attitude to this is very worrying. Not just the home birth, but not even keen on you using a pool?

That has nothing to do with safety. There is no reason why he would or should have any opinion here except to be keen to see you choose options which you feel safer, more comfortable and more suited to, because that will almost certainly be best for you physically and mentally - as said above.

His feelings certainly don't count on whether you use a pool. Why is he even saying this? What the fuck does he think his role here is? Because to be a good birthing partner, his role is to support. Really support, support what YOU want, not see himself as some kind of part of the whole thing whose wishes need to be taken into account.

Red flags are flying here saying that you should think carefully about this. He sounds like a really bad choice for a birth partner, and I think that even if you really want him there, it might be a good idea to get him to back off by suggesting that you might not have him there, if he can't genuinely fulfil the role of support. Putting pressure on you, bullying you to agree to what HE wants, putting himself first for no reason at all - it's a pool fgs! They're an excellent option! - that is honestly the LAST kind of person you want there. It doesn't matter if he's your DH and really the only person you'd ideally want. Don't, don't have anyone there who isn't going to have your back. Just don't. You would honestly be better off with a doula and have him come in for the final stages. And you can do that. Contrary to what Bossy Boots seems to think, this is your birth. You have to do it. He can't help, so his role is to recognise that you have to do it and he HAS to support.

Tell him you are thinking of not having him there if he can't get it absolutely clear in his head that his attendance is a privilege, not a right, and given to him on the condition he support you the way you require.

And even if it is on standby (and really - someone in the area has a heart attack and the last free ambulance doesn't go because they're on standby for a home birth? How likely does that sound?) - I've seen totally normal pregnancies and deliveries go wrong at the last moment (second stage) and it was only being in theatre within three minutes that saved the baby's brain. With a half hour journey you're screwed. Or rather your baby is.

There won’t be ambulances on stand by so you will wait just as long as anyone else. I don’t think your husband should have a say in it at all. If it’s your first I’d be very wary of Home birth as you have no idea what to expect.

I would actually be so much more comfortable with going into hospital/birthing centre, if I knew for certain that a birthing pool would be available to me

Well if you want to then you can go ahead and do that anyway. But really he needs to agree to have a sensible conversation with you and the midwife and actually listen. And then decide what to do from there. But if hes not prepared to do that then its not very equal is it, and i guess as youre the one doing it you need to have the final say.
Having said that from personal experience I had a very traumatic time attempting a home birth, my baby nearly died due to severe weather conditions and the length of time it took for emergency services to get to me. That was bad luck though but Its worth considering this stuff too. Although of course plenty of people have a good home birth and overall it sounds like potentially its a better experience. Not that i cared much when it really got to it. I just wanted baby out and safe by whatever means.

To be honest I think home births are pretty selfish and self centred.

The thing that swung it for my anxious other half was this - at home you have 2 midwives with you monitoring you and the baby at all times. In our overstretched trust I think it was 1 midwife going between 4-6 labouring women in the unit.

Hmm, shortage of midwives.

hiyasminitsme 999 response times are obviously dependant on area, but 6 minutes after dialling 999, the paramedics delivered my baby. We are 25 mins from the hospital. Perhaps we were exceedingly lucky?

ListenToYourself DS2 was an unplanned home birth. It was great. I'd do it again - indeed due to the speed of Labour, the midwife discharged me with the words "planned home birth for any further babies". I'm not having a 3rd!!! But i think you need to talk to DH. He will need to be supportive on the day, and if he's panicking it's not going to be a great time. If DH will be calmer and more supportive in another setting, it may be worth considering the benifits of this too.

OP I'm sure that just isn't true that there are special ambulances on standby. You would be triaged like any other emergency. Ideally an ambulance would come straight to you but it depends what else they are dealing with and where they are. As others have said, ask lots of questions about this. I don't want to scare you but it doesn't sound Like the midwife is giving you the correct information.

I think you are totally crazy for wanting a home birth with your first baby when hospital is a 30 min drive away. That is completely stupid.

I kind of agree with your husband, to be honest. If I was having a baby, I would want to be somewhere with professionals who knew exactly what to do if something went wrong.

Maybe he doesn't want the pressure of having to drive you to the hospital if you start having complications or something goes wrong with the baby? 30 minutes is a long time in an emergency, and remember, an ambulance would have to get from the hospital, to you, then back to the hospital again. A midwife at home can only do so much.

I don't think "your labour, your choice" is really a good choice of phrase. It's your husbands child too and his concerns are valid. What are you going to do if the worst happens and you need emergency care?

I wanted a birthing pool, got a large bath which we just kept refilling. In the end I had to go down to theatre for rotational forceps and I couldn’t care less if I was in a pool or not by that point as I was in so much pain.

Don’t set too strict a birth plan or an ideal in your head or you could end up feeling like a failure if it all goes wrong. It’s still not up to your husband though.

... and if you can do that, then perhaps you will be able to have a meaningful conversation about home birth in which he discusses, not dictates. Though I think that given his attitude of ownership on this I would still take that discussion elsewhere, to the medical professionals as well as your midwife.

He is entitled to be concerned especially being 30 minutes away. I would want to err on the side of caution and want a medical team on hand.

He has every right to feel concerned or scared about this. But the final decision is yours.

Personally my DH being upset and scared about me having a home birth, woukd be enough for me to decide not to.

The trouble with birthing pools is that (in this area anyway) there is only one in each hospital/birthing centre. Therefore, if somebody else is already in it when you need it you're out of luck.

There is no way to guarantee the availability. To do so would mean reserving it for something like a 4 week period as baby is most likely to arrive somewhere between 38 and 42 weeks. Unpredictable little so and so's .

Unless of course there's scope to hire one privately? But then would the hospital have room to accommodate it and would there be time to set it up?

But you might not use a pool anyway, even if you owned one. I planned to walk about through labour but in the event I didn't. Who knows how it'll all go down.

I think a major cause of problems for new mothers is that for nine months they think 'I'm going to give birth'. That's not the life changing bit. The life changing bit is the actual baby, whose needs take over your life from the moment they arrive.

The giving birth part is just admin.

I won’t feel comfortable just going into hospital, I want to try and birth and home, where I know I’ll feel most confident and in control

Personally, I think being in 'control' of your own labour is a fallacy. Do you think women who have complications and emergency c sections had any control over that? I had a text book labour...it was complete luck... nothing to do with me being in control. A ruptured uterus, baby in distress, cord round the babies neck, haemorrhaging etc are out of the mother's control.

Your midwife was flat out lying if she said there are blue light ambulances on standby for home births. Or anything in the NHS on standby for just in case.

If all the ambulances are committed you will have to wait. If you get an ambulance dispatched immediately but it’s 20 minutes away (likely if you live rurally) you will have to wait.

I’m not saying don’t have a home birth, although I personally wouldn’t, but absolutely don’t do it based on the idea that there will be an ambulance with an engine idling outside to take you away to hospital.

@sandland you were very lucky. And you didn't have a complication that needed an obstetrician involvement or immediate neonatal care.
Was this some time ago? Ambulance response times have got dramatically worse in the last year.

Is there a MW-led birthing centre in your area as an option? These have excellent safety ratings (especially when attached to a hospital) and are very much like being at home. For a first birth, I'm surprised your MW was so supportive of a home birth attempt. The policy where I am is to only recommend home birth for 2nd and subsequent births with all previous births being uncomplicated. They will support your choice, of course, but will make it clear in your notes that they did not recommend it in case anything goes wrong. I'm afraid I'm with your husband here. The stats just aren't great and you're quite a long ways from the hospital with an NHS and ambulance service under incredible pressure.

I have been present at a lot of births (HCP) and would not consider a home birth.

Much of the stats of so called safety of home births is based on the fact that the women are from a low risk subset. Statistically, there is low risk. But if you or your baby is that one statistic, you'll have a lifetime of regret.
Best case - midwife not with constant monitoring realises there's a problem and calls for help (2 mins). Gets through to ambulance control (2 mins), ambulance gets to you (10 mins), you're loaded in whilst labouring (5 mins minimum), ambulance to hospital (30 mins in your case), offload and up to obs suite (5 mins), obs review and call for csection (5 mins), staff call in (5 mins), transfer to theatre, GA and knife to skin to baby out time (15 mins) Total 79 mins.
Baby in trouble in hospital, baby out in 20 mins.
Read this good study in the American Journal of O&G which describes the finding of a tripling of neonatal death risk.
Your choice of course, just make sure you've considered the outcomes and whether you truly understand your decision rather than just the hype.
I also think YABU to disregard your partners wishes so entirely. He also has to live with the consequences of your decision if it all goes wrong.
It's not very mumsnet I know, but I've seen too much to ever be positive about home births, especially a first when over 60% of women will end up with an emergency transfer in. I understand some women find it too traumatic to consider hospital and then of course home birth is better than unattended. Good luck with whatever you choose.

I would be more than happy to use the birthing centre if I could be guaranteed a birthing pool. Just knowing I can use one for certain if there are no added complications makes me feel so much more relaxed.

If I was told yes, I can certainly have the pool in the hospital, if no complications - no problem, hospital/birthing centre it is.

If I couldn’t because I needed emergency care? No problem at all.

But not being able to use one because of no other reasons apart from availability is what makes me anxious and upset