To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Your body your choice.

In the dh's defence he is likely just as clueless as the OP WRT what a first birth is going to involve.

I know e.g. Of husbands who have said that they would rather their partners not have certain drugs because of the risks to the baby or the impact on the baby or the labour etc, but let's face it, neither of them have been here before. The likelihood is that when the OP goes into labour all plans of what to do and how to do it will go out of the window because they will suddenly be in the position where they are about to have a baby, and all they will both want is for that baby to arrive safely.

In my case my plan was to labour gently at home for as many hours as possible and then just pop into hospital when it became unbearable. Only flaw with that plan was that my body and baby hadn't read that book, and my labour which started at 12:30 progresssed to my lying on the floor at 3 AM wailing "it's time!!!!!!!!!!" And still taking another twelve hours with pethadine, an epidural and ventouse before I gave birth. I hadn't bargained on that and I'm fairly sure my h hadn't either. .

So I would have a gentle conversation with the MW and the DH present where she can talk about the potential for a pool, but do bear in mind that many women find it difficult to give birth in a pool anyway.

But with a 30 minute drive to the hospital and no guarantees and for a first baby I would certainly not even be considering a home birth and would absolutely take the DH's point on that.

And do bear in mind that if there is a staff shortage you could be denied a home birth at the last minute anyway.

OP I have had 2 homebirths and 1 transfer (with numbers 2 3 and 4 first was a planned hospital birth) If I was to go back to dd1's birth knowing what I do now I would have had a homebirth with her too.

My dh was not in favour I have rarely met any dhs who felt ok about the idea of homebirth when it is first placed on the table. I have also rarely meet any after the homebirth who are not 100% on board with the idea and felt involved.

It is about what makes you feel safe. So make a open ended birth plan know what you ideally wish to happen and take into account what will happen if the ideal doesn't work. For me personally feeling safe was about knowing I had considered most angles.

There is a lot of homebirth support and it might be worth if you can find someone to have a chat with your dh about their experiences (I am thinking a male here as it is a different viewpoint)

It is your body and you are the one giving birth however it is also your husbands baby as well so I personally would take his views into consideration and Its likely he Is against it because he is concerned for yourself and your baby.

30 minutes Is a long time in an emergency and because its your 1st baby its really hard to know how your body reacts to labour.

It may be very easy and straight forward and you may have a perfect birth however it may also not go the way we would all love and you may end up needing to be in the hospital.

If you go to hospital and its a perfect straight forward birth that you could have had at home then you may feel a bit gutted but it wont compare to how you will feel if you stay at home and it goes wrong.

but as everyone has said it is ultimately your choice I just personally felt It was nice for me to let me partner have a say aswell.

Good luck and I hope it goes perfectly for you whichever way you chose to do it x

Also, I would be very cautious about access to a birthing pool forming a central part of the plan. You really can't predict what your body will want during labour.

Very much this. I was certain I wanted to use the pool first time (although I arrived at the birthing centre fully dilated and they didn't have time to fill it anyway) but once actually in labour I really couldn't have done, I couldn't stop pacing/walking/moving so it would have been useless for me!

Second time was the same, quite fancied it before-hand but then same again, I needed to be up and walking the whole time, there's no way I could have sat still(ish) in anything.

The one thing that's struck me OP is your reluctance to concede any control. Obviously planning is a great thing but I really think you need to come to terms, and be happy, with some compromises.

I could be way off the mark, but you sound like you're putting a lot of importance - and therefore pressure on yourself - for things to go a certain way. Have a look around these forums, there are so many women resentful or deeply upset following their births because things didn't happen how they wanted/thought.

I must stress I think it's great you're so organised and don't want to ruin that for you, but I would suggest perhaps being prepared for other eventualities because it's hard to accept at the time and after otherwise.

I had the loosest birth plan in existence (basically be in the hospital for the least amount of time possible) and that still went to shit when dd was two weeks late and I had to be induced.

Also you just don't know how you will react to labour. It's so personal but it's undeniably hard on every level. It's impossible to call whether you will feel a birthing pool is enough or be begging for the midwife to knock you out. (As an aside my labour was all in my arse which I wasn't expecting at all).

I'm largely with your dh on this one. First labour = everything is an unknown. I would err on the side of caution and go to hospital.

In your first post you say you can't afford to rent a birthing pool on the off chance the birthing centre doesn't have one available.
If you can't afford to rent a birthing pool you will not be having a water birth at home so the entire discussion is pointless.
If you can afford to rent one and the birthing centre are willing to let you use it there then just do that.

OP, if this is only about the birthing pool, then, I'm sorry, you are being a little ridiculous.

I love water, really love it. A deep bath is my go-to for comfort. Add to that, my mum had endorsed the idea that water really helped her in her labours with my brother and sister. I was sure a waterbirth was the way to go.

I tried it in labour, twice. It did nothing. Nada. Zilch. I fact, I actually felt worse, because I couldn't move as I wanted to. I got out.

This is your first baby, you have no idea how you are going to labour and how you will feel. And, tbh, hanging all your hopes and dreams on any part of a 'birthing plan' is only setting yourself up to fail.

Have a think, a really good think, about where this is coming from. Are you using this as a thing you can control in something that's new and scary?

FWIW, I'll add my voice to those who urge you to think about that transfer time, too. DD is another baby who wouldn't have been here if I'd been at home.

I didn’t think you were allowed to opt for a home birth with your first, because they don’t know how your body is likely to react. Some people go very fast, some people have other complications etc. Just reading this made me very nervous, to be honest. I would advise against it if anybody I knew in real life said this. I had an absolutely textbook pregnancy with my first, totally plain sailing and then rapidly developed pre-eclampsia whilst in labour which led to eclamptic seizures in under half an hour, as far as I remember. It couldn’t have been predicted and was a life/death situation which needed immediate intervention. Once I got to that stage they wouldn’t move me at all in case it set off another seizure, so I’m sure if that had happened during a home birth they would have had me taken to hospital by ambulance but that in itself would be risky. I can understand where your husband is coming from, he loves you and your baby and it seems like an unnecessary risk. I’d feel the same way.

I do think it's selfish to take these resources away from hospitals, though.

What resources? I was always under the impression that home births were done by th community midwife team, not those from hospitals.

Also even for 2nd & 3rd babies at home the data is pretty poor that giving birth at home/in a midwifery stand alone unit is safer.

The study is rated as being poor, and an independent epidemiologist the Birth Trauma Association hired said it was fundamentally flawed.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/media-information/press-releases/36-first-time-mothers-in-free-standing-midwifery-units

The Netherlands has started to reduce the number of home births it does from ~30% to 13% and falling to reduce very high peri-natal mortality rates. Reducing home birth has successfully accomplished this.

Around 50% of negligence claims come from free standing midwifery centres, which is concerning giving the majority of women labour in hospital & there are more higher risk women in hospital...

Ultimately you have the right to give birth how you want, but make sure you do it with all the information at your disposal. It's your body & your choice - but your DH has raised concerns and it would be good to at least consider your choices.

Sigh.

Home birth is a wonderful thing but it’s not for everybody. That said, I’ve known plenty of people have straight forward home deliveries. Usually they have their first in hospital the subsequent babies at home. One friend gave birth at home with no midwife assistance as the baby came a bit faster than anticipated. It was her fifth.

Having been strep B positive in three of my four pregnancies, hospital is the best place for me. DS2 had the cord wrapped around his neck, plopped out grey and needed help from a pediatrician. In certain cases the level of aftercare is crucial. DS2 also had a sepsis infection and it was the midwife who spotted it and got him the help he needed. He spent five days in intensive care. I want to emphasize, I had no idea he was falling ill with an infection. I owe my happy healthy nine year old to that midwife and I do not know what would have happened if I had had a home delivery.

Get over yourself with the water birth. It’s not the be all and end all. I understand fully what you want one but shit happens and you may not even get to use it, despite your best intentions. I’ve needed an episiotomy for all four of my deliveries, which ruled out being in the water right at the end.

May I suggest, if finances allow, hiring a doula or private midwife, to provide support for both of you during the birth.

Honestly I would have been totally on board with you - until the birth of my second baby.

I chose a gorgeous, relaxing midwife unit that was literally a wing of the regular maternity ward, so in the event of any problems you could be wheeled into another room in seconds. That's short enough for me.

My first was slow, but healthy and ultimately your typical low-intervention birth.

My second - fine, labour, pool, out of pool, contraction, delivered the head - and then she got stuck. Shoulder distocia. The alarms were pressed, the team rushed in. We did not have 30 minutes. We did not have time to pile in an ambulance and trundle down the road. The moment we knew this was no longer 'a low intervention birth' was the moment she needed to be out, her cord being compressed into the pelvis.

She is absolutely fine. They got her out with the first manoeuvre. The room was silent. She was grey. I do not like to dwell on those ten, fifteen seconds where we Did Not Know. Then she cried and the team dispersed and everything went back to normal, but good god, I could never go through an experience like that again.

30 mins is a long time. It would have been 29 and a half minutes too late for us.

I don't agree he can 'control your labour' but he doesn't sound like he's being controlling. He is afraid of the risks, he is afraid the drive the hospital is too much. He knows a lot can happen in that time. He feels the benefits do not outweigh the risks.

Wouldn't a midwife-led unit be a compromise?

It's your decision, but don't make it thinking it will all go swimmingly, and that your chances of you or the baby surviving it should something go wrong will not be lower. Read this passage from "this is going to hurt" by former doctor Adam Kay.

YANBU as it is your body and your labour! However I would consider the 30 min drive to the hospital a long way - I was considering a home birth, but decided against it in the end. Had a very traumatic birth after having a textbook pregnancy and if I had been at home I wouldn't have made it.

I know obviously this doesn't happen all the time but the prospect of home births terrifies me after my experience - things really are all up in the air and nothing is guaranteed until after the baby is born.

My first labour went tits up I wouldn't have a home birth

Look at birthpoolinabox anyway. They are good value and what I used to have DD at home.

Your body, Your choice.
The chances of something awful happening are small but they are there, and if it were that dangerous they wouldn't let you try.
I tried for a home birth but ended up being transferred. The ambulance appeared within 10 minutes.
We only lived a couple of miles from the hospital though.
Oncr your DH learns how to shit out a pineapple whole, and does it in a room full of people then he gets a deciding vote.
I'm glad I opted for homebirth even though didn't get one. It kept me calm through pregnancy. I have a huge fear of hospitals after previous experiences (not with childbirth)

I've given birth twice. Both straightforward labours, both without any pain relief whatsoever. One was even a water birth (nice at the time, but the water was pretty grim by the end of it...). The other was in a tiny hospital room.

And you know what? I wouldn't dream of having a home birth.

I'm sure a home birth is lovely when it goes well. But it might not go well. Why would you take that risk?

I had 4 midwives and 2 students present when my DD was born at home last year, and there was an ambulance on standby, it was literally parked outside at one point as we live in a quiet town and they didn't need to be diverted.
Not everyone lives in London y'know.

Utter rubbish alyosha

www.expatica.com/nl/healthcare/Dont-blame-it-on-home-births_102859.html

I have to say that I would never have a baby at home, especially so far from hospital. I was considered low risk but still had emergency delivery first time. Second time was much less complicated but still required a doctor and paediatrician to be present.

I get your desire to do everything as naturally and calmly as possible and many hospitals cater for this. Dimly lit rooms, music, hands off midwife, lots of movement around the room. It can be done. But you have the reassurance (for both you and DH) that if anything goes wrong, well you're in the right place.

An ambulance would get you to hospital quicker than 30 mins but it'd take time to get to you and get you on board. Every second is precious if something goes wrong on childbirth. I personally would not risk it as you never know what will happen. Of course you could be just fine and dandy but it's a hell of a gamble.

In your first post you say you can't afford to rent a birthing pool on the off chance the birthing centre doesn't have one available.
If you can't afford to rent a birthing pool you will not be having a water birth at home so the entire discussion is pointless

Yes, I would be having a water birth at home. You are guaranteed one if you’re having a home birth. It’s one of those more portable ones.

In the birthing centre, they’re limited

I will also add I didn't get to try the birth pool in hospital ( it was faulty) but did spend 8 hours stood under the shower, the hot water on my back worked wonders for the contractions

i had a home birth 20 years ago. my labour was pain relief free and im sure its because i was so relaxed due to being at home. it was a lovely experience and as long as you have an experienced midwife id say go for it.
any trouble theyll get an ambulance and whisk you in anyway.