To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Your body your birth your choice.
He gets equal say in health decisions about the baby but until they are out of you it's your medical experience so you get to do it.
Just explain you and the mw are confident about a home birth and it is more dangerous for you to be in an environment you aren't comfortable with.

I loved being in water when I was in labour.
But I had to get out due to someone else coming in as I hadn't booked it.
But ended up with ECS anyway.
Please do what is right for you.
If your MW is OK with it then go for it.

Is your DH generally an anxious person?
Is he generally controlling?

Accidentally hit sumbmit there

My sister is planning a home birth and had the same reaction from her dh, she took him to the mw appointment where mw explained that even in hospital it takes time for the surgery theater to be prepped, about the same as it would to blue light an ambulance (that would be on standby in her area) to the hospital from her home so that does not need to be a worry.

They only reccomend it for second and subsequent children that are low risk pregnacies where the other births have been uncomplicated

Usually I'd say that it is 100% up to the woman, but in this case, I think he does deserve a say. It's not just something which affects you but something which affects the baby which he is the father of.

I was offered a home birth with my second baby but declined. As it turned out, I could have had a home birth as I had text book labour with no intervention really. I just knew I'd be a complete anxious mess at home worrying about something going wrong and not being in a hospital.

YABU. It's your body yes but it's equally his baby as much as yours, and fair play he doesn't want to be your sole birthing partner during the first birth either of you have ever experienced. He's probably shitting himself as neither of you are medically trained and not guaranteed to be able to spot when things start to go wrong.

He's putting his baby's safety above your desire to home birth and although it is ultimately your decision I feel that that's a sign he's going to be a cracking dad.

Are you completely unwilling to consider the option of hospital? Why is that?

I wouldn't risk that journey time with a first birth. That is my honest opinion. I know too many women, where an emergency has occurred very quickly. The thought of a delay of an hour(ambulance to you, back to hospital) in getting the care you and the baby need is not something I would risk.
Having said that, I do think it is ultimately your decision. However, I have sympathies with your husband.

It is tricky.

Your body, your birth, etc. All that’s true.

But.

One of my NCT group - healthy, early thirties, no risk factors - had a ruptured uterus during labour. If she had been anywhere but a hospital she’d have died.

So the thing is that I know the stats show hone birth to be safe, but when I think of it that’s the story that comes to mind. It’s not rational, but there you go.

I wonder if your DH has a similar thing going on? I.e. there’s an anecdote he’s heard that has a similar power over him?

'Is he generally controlling?'

Oh come off it hells he's a concerned father, that child is his as well incase you forgot

Very tricky!! Your body, makes sense you get to make the decision on what happens to it. But also his baby! And if anything unfort goes wrong you'll both have to live with your decision. I wanted a water birth but with twins it's not given as an option. I don't regret not having the birth I wanted. If I was you I would see if you can think outside the box to a comprise you both feel comfortable. I know you said you can't afford to hire a birthing pool but maybe doing this on credit or seeing if you can borrow one might be a better choice than one of you being very unhappy.

definitely your choice .

however as others have said just be aware of the risks. I had a straightforward birth at a birthing centre but the placenta got stuck and the ambulance took nearly 2 hours to get there ( i'm sure that they are not always that bad ! ) and I lost a lot of blood. As another poster said he is worried about you and the baby that's all

Tricky one. I had my second baby at home and it was a really positive experience BUT we were only five minutes from hospital, DP could have driven me there in no time, and they had my birth notes from my previous birth to see how I laboured.
If you were near the hospital, or you had a previous trouble free labour I’d say your body, your choice, but in these circumstances I’d probably play it safe and go in. You can always plan a HB for your next baby if you have one.

Why do you want a home birth?

I will also add the goal of a birth is to receive a healthy baby at the end and to be healthy yourself. You talk about how you think you'll 'feel better' and 'really want' a home birth, do you have any other reasons for wanting it other than a sense that it'll be nicer than hospital?

Musereader - an ambulance on standby in the area for a home birth in case it goes wrong? Is your sister the future queen? If you’re not Pippa Middleton then either you have misunderstood or the midwife is telling porkies to push the home birth.

We don’t have enough ambulances to get to people actually facing life threatening emergencies, never mind enough ambulances to pull one out of circulation to lurk around the area in case of an emergency.

I think ultimately your choice, but I think you should keep trying to maintain a dialogue with your DH about it, and try to address his anxieties. Tell him its not acceptable to shut the conversation down.

Also make sure you have done all your research about the pros and cons of home births, water births etc and what you can both do to minimise any risks:

For example:

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/634959/Factsheet_LegionnairesDiseaseAndBirthingPools.pdf

When I had DS1 home births were not recommended at all for first babies. The midwives' opinion was that all first babies should be delivered in hospital, or a birthing centre, and - if no significant problems occurred - it would be fine to try for a home birth in later pregnancies if wanted.

First labours can be long and more difficult than subsequent labours. Not always of course, but generally. You also don't know how you (or your body) will cope with the realities of it all the first time around. It is hard to imagine the pain until you experience it for example. After you've had one delivery you are much better placed to know what you can and can't handle next time.

As it turned out, I had pre-eclampsia with DS1 so was under consultant care throughout all three pregnancies & births and never had the option of anything other than hospital induction!

Hi OP. The birth you want is very important so your DH should support you however it’s your first time... my first labour was classified as risk free and I was encouraged to consider home birth. I think it IS a risk (and I’m sure I’ll get lots of people piling in here) but if something does go wrong every minute is precious. Every minute. My baby would have died in a home birth if I hadn’t chosen for a hospital birth in the end.

about the same as it would to blue light an ambulance (that would be on standby in her area)

Is this true? They have ambulances on standby for home births?

In the UK a home birth is still attended by trained midwives, the OPs husband is not being expected to deliver the baby and spot any medical problems! That would be U.

Wow, a real mixture of responses here.

Some think IABU, others say DH is unreasonable, or even ‘fucking’ unreasonable

We spoke about the home birth at my 24 week booking (moved areas so met community Midwife at new home).

Community MW explained and answered all of mine/his questions, and was actually very positive about my home birth desire.

But DH still feels the same and isn’t doing any further research into it, which is what’s really annoying me.

He keeps brushing it off.

I won’t feel comfortable just going into hospital, I want to try and birth and home, where I know I’ll feel most confident and in control.

I can’t remember too clearly to quote my MW’s exact words, but apparently there are ambulances in the area on standby for these types of things, I.e severe complications that need to get the patient into hospital ASAP

The thing that swung it for my anxious other half was this - at home you have 2 midwives with you monitoring you and the baby at all times. In our overstretched trust I think it was 1 midwife going between 4-6 labouring women in the unit.
If you have complications you have priority for an ambulance.
If you are in the unit and have complications you are prioritised versus other mums in unit for the on call obstetric consultants and anaesthetists. If coming in under blue lights you may either be assigned these but they also have the option to use a&e rostered staff if the labour unit is busy.
Its crazy but home birth for my low risk pregnancy was the best solution to ensure our anxieties were reduced by guaranteeing dedicated care because of the cuts in the maternity unit.

I think 'your birth, your choice' is too simplistic here. Especially for a first labour* and especially that distance from the hospital. I also think - and I am as proud a feminist as they come - that is is problematic to expect endless support from fathers while demanding that they switch off their opinions.

*That said, all of my births, for various different reasons, would have been very hairy indeed had they been at home.

An ambulance on standby for every home birth

What kind of numpty would believe that?

@alexsmum89. I had a very similar experience with ptsd type symptoms when pregnant with number two. I asked for an elective CS and can highly recommend it as a way to get over a bad first birth.

I'd be amazed if that was true about ambulances on standby. Ask your midwife to show you proof from the local ambulance service. She sounds like a MW with an agenda who will make stuff up to increase her home birth rate. Be very very careful.

I will text my sis and get her to post