To think that an 11 year old doesn't need..

[Misspollyhadadollie]

A baby sitter? (During the day)

my sons 11 at xmas i would leave him for up to an hour but not longer he starts worrying .

I have been leaving my nearly 11 year old alone for short periods for about the last 6 months or so. He's a single child and very independent. I am self employed and have to drive out to see patients throughout the day. Some days I am only working 2 or 3 hours, other days I work 9am-6pm. On those days where I have patients after school pickup time, I used to take him with me and he could either come in with me to my patient and sit and chat to them, or he would opt to sit in the car with his Ipad or book.

Then we progressed to 'I'm popping up to Tesco's - I'll be 30 mins, do you want to come with me or stay here?' and 99% of the time he's say 'stay here please'. He knows my mobile off by heart, he has my SIL who works from home and lives about 2 mins walk away - and there are my parents who live about a 10 mins walk away (though they spend nearly 4 months of the year abroad).

During the summer he normally stays with my parents abroad but this year due to the up and coming 11+ exams, he stayed at home with me. This meant he chose on some days to come with me, others he walked to my SIL's and other days he'd spend some of it alone at home.

I have always encouraged him to be independent - he has house keys and about once a week walks the 20 mins home from school. I leave him a snack out, a drink and a little note reminding him he needs to 1) practice his guitar...pick up his dirty socks etc...and confirming I'll be home at about 4pm.

When he's home alone, I call him regularly, and he calls me. He knows what he can and can't do. He knows the door stays locked and the chain on. He knows not to tell anyone mummys out, he just says I'm not available right now and come back later. When I am home, he helps with cooking....he can now scramble eggs, he can make a great cheese omelette. I let him use knives, he makes his own toast - he knows if toast gets stuck....don't shove a knife down there but to switch it off, let it go cold and see if he can shake it out etc.

I personally think we molly coddle our kids too much. Granted I live in a rural area, its a large village of about 3000 people but we have a great park, an outdoor pool, our own little cinema. He and his friends will meet up and the park and spend a few hours and come home. He has my father old flip phone which does nothing but make and take calls and texts. He knows what time he is to come home, he knows he goes to the place we have agreed he can go to. If he wants to change plans, he calls me first for my agreement. We still even now talk about stranger danger....I don't sugar coat it for him...I say the dangers as they are.

I think its about teaching kids how to weigh up risks and to chose what is the appropriate course of action. I fully intend my son to grow up making informed choices and he can only do that if I allow him to step out a little without me holding his hand. I am there for him, I am there behind him and I make sure he has the support and love needed for him to be confident in not only what he does but who he is. When he gets things wrong or goes off course a little, I am there to teach him what he could have done better, to discuss with him better ways of handling a situation.

I get told a lot that my son is very mature for his age, that he acts a lot older. I don't think that's entirely true. He still runs around acting like a normal 10 year old, swashbuckling imaginary pirates with a muck old stick, he still has his moments like all kids do. But yes, he is also a very capable boy who is learning how to grow up to be the sort of man I'd be proud of. I do not want him to become a man-child who acts like they have no clue how to turn on the washing machine cos he was never shown. I fully intend for my son to be able to support his partner in the house and all she does. And that starts by enabling him to be independent in appropriate ways

After saying that about being approached by men you still think it's a good Idea?

I think it depends on the child; however my instinct is that if they were sensible I would have no issue with it. My brother wouldn't have liked being left all day. Me and my sister would have been fine. We were all used to looking after ourselves because we were taught to do so! It was expected that we'd get ourselves the walk-bus-walk to school (over a dual carriageway and through some unsalubrious back streets) in the dark or whatever. Because I'm old enough that for my parents, 11 is not a baby, they both left school at 16 and went out to work so they didn't see 11 as needing constant supervision all the time. But - that was because we didn't NEED it. Not 'all 11 year olds would be fine doing XYZ'.

However we had to get ourselves to school as there was no other choice!

Depends on the child.
I work part time and in the summer before secondary, I would leave DS1, 2 x per week for few hours when I went to work.

he was at Thorpe park or playing football with 10 of his mates in the local park, came home made him self some lunch and then play Xbox for a few hours in the afternoon.

all totally fine. if he wasn’t happy to be left at home I wouldn’t leave him but he was totally happy and he is very sensible boy.

I only work five minutes down the road and could be back very quickly in an emergency.

" even my nephew who is 12 (but lives on an estate) never plays out as he would rather play on his computer at home."

I'd concern yourself with that, tbh. It's not great.

I was left much younger (70's) but I didn't leave my own children, as such, they had my Mum within walking distance.

Part of the issue is a preteen not having the judgment to not let peers/slightly older teens know that they have free reign over the house.

We take the risk of bullying or exploitation much more serious now and those Parents are only looking to protect their children, which shouldn't be criticised.

Being a LP isn't an excuse not to do what your child needs. That will vary depending on the child, where you live, who lives around you etc.

Teens need their Parents or someone they can trust to be around. It is a stage more complex than the toddler years, with much more risk.

I have an 11 year old, I leave him alone for an hour or two during the day.

I don't think an entire day is ideal, but I would do it if I had no other option, and I would not do it regularly.

There are a number of people who are either retired or work from home in our street, that DD knows well, and she has the numbers for emergency contacts and the drills for if an emergency happens. And all these people have said to us, and to HER, that they are there and to let them know if she ever needs anything. (Like the day she forgot her keys, she did knock on a neighbour's door - but she actually is quite happy to be alone and get on with things herself in general).

We've built up to where we are now.

Last year, she was cycling to school, and cycling home when I collected her from afterschool club - she was allowed go from school campus to the edge of the road, wait until I got there in the car (different routes), then go on, I would wait as I turned into the estate until she was off the main road, and then go the last bit and let her follow in her own time.

Then she was starting to get upset in the afterschool club, and knowing that she was being safe about the journey, we allowed her to cycle home at 5.30 herself rather than me collecting her at 5.45pm. So I would get in 10 minutes after her, taking both our journeys into account.

Then, when the bullying she hadn't told us about (the reason for the upset) got too bad, we had to move to a different afterschool club twice a week (so I was collecting her there - too far to walk) but she came home herself straight from her afterschool activities in school twice a week and an aunt collected her a 3rd afternoon. We had long discussions on this - but she really didn't want to lose out on all 5 activities (nor did we) because she was being targeted in the club that she went to after those activities. School were not particularly happy, but as they couldn't offer her more support in the club or sort it out, then they accepted we were doing our best and that she was mature enough to manage that.

This year, DD has put her foot down that she really wanted to go back to all the activities. She has proved to herself and us that she can manage the afternoons at home. She is getting her homework done and the odd chore. And we can trust her not to have friends in while we're not there (she sometimes rings to go out to play with them outdoors - which is fine once she checks and we know where she is). She has offered a few times, noticing that we'd need milk later or something, to go to the shop and get those - which is also fine (and another thing that we had slowly built up to her doing alone and safely over months).

We have gone down the paying for childcare route since she was 4 months old. We have never had family available to do it for us. It was something we expected to do.

But at 11, she is getting older, more experienced, and ready for some independence. She will be in secondary next year. So we are letting off the leash a little and giving her the knowledge and training for how to do things, and then letting her do them in a controlled way. And knowing what to do if things go wrong.

It's really NOT about abandoning her, but about supporting her in her development into a mature and independent woman.

I wouldn't leave them if it meant they'd be stuck inside all day, that would be so boring for them! I'd make sure they have a key and let them go out as normal or have friends round (if I trust the friends, that is!)

Eh? An 11 year old is at secondary school, and it's absolutely normal round her for parents to leave their secondary school children at home unsupervised during school holidays. In fact, there is hardly any childcare available for this age range.

Amazed by the huge number of people on here saying no ...

My brothers and other family members were the same. Preferred computer games. I'm not concerned.
Like I said children round here can't play out with live on a very busy main road. What else are they meant to do??
And yes I was approached by men on the streets not in my home. So like I said more risky IMO.

... when I say at home, in reality they are mostly out and about with friends (thus meaning a parent at home is pretty superfluous anyway).

Here in the UK, there is no official legal age limit to leave a child home alone, but the parent would be in trouble if anything did go wrong.

In some parts of the world there is some official guidance, though of course what's really appropriate depends on the child and circumstances.

FYI, In Canada, for instance:

Legal Age for Leaving Children Unsupervised Across Canada

Authors:
Ruiz-Casares, Mónica
Radic, Ivana

CWRP Information Sheet # 144E . Montreal, QC: McGill University, Centre for Research on Children and Families.
Abstract:
This study reviewed Canadian (a) statutory norms and jurisprudence to determine age at which children can be left unsupervised and (b) safety, child self-care and babysitting programs. Only three provinces establish a minimum age (12 or 16 years) at which children can be left alone or in charge of other children. Quebec is the only province with an age limit for leaving children unsupervised in a vehicle (seven years). Age is only one of the child factors generally considered by the courts in assessing adequate care and supervision. Canadian social services organizations advise that children under 12 years should not be left at home alone. Policy and advocacy efforts should provide accurate information and support to caregivers and children.

I don't see why an 11 year old can't be left alone for the day either. Maybe not every day.

Bored? I can't see why and there's nothing wrong with that anyway

An hour-2 hours max if you know they will be responsible enough but I’d not leave my 11yr old for longer even if they were quite capable. Just seems odd to me. I think 15 would be ok to leave them all day there is a lot of maturing between these years so I think they would be more thank happy at this point to occupy their selves and do some chores lol.

A baby sitter seems extreme though, family or friend just about if they need them is more appropriate but there in the house with them for sure or at least for a 3/4 hours in the afternoon to break their day up.

And you are saying they are more at risk walking to school and stuff but if you are out all day how do you know they are going to stay in and not put themselves at risk?

I was asked to baby sit a 13 year old relative whilst his mum went out for a few hours one evening, I was a bit gobsmacked but he was scared to be alone in the house so what can you do.

Do people really arrange childcare for secondary school children? (SN aside obvs)

Wow... my kids are still young but I’d of thought by that age kids will have become a bit more independent.

My parents left me alone 7-6 in the holidays once I reached secondary and again I had to make my way to school and wait while they got home, my mother would have had a heart attack at the thought of still employing someone to watch me, as would I!

With everyone having a phone etc surely you’d mostly be out with friends anyway?

I lived alone at 16 so can't imagine needing a baby sitter up until 15 lol

deepestdarkestperu yep - your holidays sound great, as do those several other posters describe. The OP's nephew playing computer games 10 hours a day and never going out not so much.

The arrangement where the older child is independent and happy to be but has various friends and relatives within walking distance and goes to them for parts of the day/ plays outside with adults within walking distance who could be called in an emergency etc. is higher risk and higher reward - a nice, fairly healthy way to spend days for many kids.

Other people leave their kids home alone with instructions that the house must remain hermetically sealed because where they live either isn't safe or parents perceive it not to be safe - that arrangement is pretty dreary and miserable day in, day out!

A few hours is OK for most 11 year olds as long as they are happy with it, in most locations. Full days on a regular basis require living in a proper community I think (i.e. a community in the old fashioned sense, where people know and interact with neighbours and kids have local friends).

In the place the OP describes where girls in school uniform are endlessly propositioned by men if they leave the house a few hours with the doors and windows closed are fine but you might not want your pre teen freely coming and going out and about if its that dodgy!

Less than a hundred years ago.....10 year olds went out to work in factories, down mines and stuff. Have our kids regressed to the point they have no capabilities to be even remotely independent? ;)

DSD1 at 11 would have managed quite well, and been fine for a day in the house alone.

DSD2 at the same age wouldn’t as she has learning difficulties and delays.

DS1 wouldn’t be happy to be left even for 1 hour (he has ASD and anxiety).

So it really is all relative to the individual child.

I don't think my 10 year old does. Unfortunately, she begs to differ.

Taht's not actually true Cracked - the legal minim school leaving age was 12 a hundred years ago.

They have bears in Canada! :o

I would definitely do it, proud to say I have a responsible 10 yr old.

But I would feel guilty and I'm not sure why that is. I wouldn't do it for a week, no.

cracked eggs I went to sleep early the other night as was poorly, a one off, and my estranged H was HORRIFIED I let my DD cook a piece of toast.

I agree with you, our job is to teach independence and so on!