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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love grandchildren more than own children.

126 replies

Sunnyx · 19/10/2017 08:29

So my DM has said a couple of times now:

“I’m totally overwhelmed. My love for my first grandchild is deeper than it was for my own kids”.

“I think it’s because I don’t have the responsibility”.

My relationship with my mum was virtually non existent growing up from the age of about 5.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd? Especially as it’s said directly to me?

OP posts:
DrRisotto · 19/10/2017 08:30

Yeah that's a really weird thing to say to your child.

MrsJayy · 19/10/2017 08:33

Yes that is very odd I am sorry she said that to you, I am not a grandparent but friends who are say the love seems different because they are not responsible for the grandbaby but not better.

crazypenguinlady · 19/10/2017 08:33

Depends on the relationship. I'm close with my parents but they are utterly besotted with my 8 month old son, and bicker who gets to hold him first. They probably do love him more than me Grin

BarbarianMum · 19/10/2017 08:33

Odd and immensely tactless. My mum once said that she was suprised to find that she loves her grandchildren as much as her own children but more? No, even if true it's something to shjt up about.

lazydog · 19/10/2017 08:34

Weird thing to actually say to you, definitely, but I expect it's not that unusual an unspoken thought/feeling.

MagdalenLaundry · 19/10/2017 08:35

Horrible thing to say
Did you reply to her?

AnUtterIdiot · 19/10/2017 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ethelfleda · 19/10/2017 08:36

That was an insensitive thing to say to you!

My Dad once told me that given his time again, he wouldn't had children and that if he ever had to choose between me and his new wife then he would choose his new wife. Which was weird because I never asked him to - was just randomly said in conversation!!

FlakeBook · 19/10/2017 08:38

Very odd and a weird dynamic that I would keep your child away from.

Original poster
Sunnyx · 19/10/2017 08:40

I looked rather confused which is when she played the responsibility card.

My grandma was there too and she kind of agreed saying yes, it is different. So at the time, I let it pass.

OP posts:
VanGoghsLeftEar · 19/10/2017 08:43

Actually I get it. My relationship with my egg donor is such that she really does not give me the time of day, but claims she loves my daughter more than anything. I honestly think DB and I were an inconvenient disappointment now.

DM and I virtually NC now. Apparently I hurt her feelings by saying exactly how I see her and she didn't like it. Well, when coming to visit us is horribly inconvenient to HER life and me visiting her means being in the same house as the Ice Queen, one can only come up with the conclusion her hopes pinned on my daughter will again leave her desperately disappointed. All of our family generally do disappoint my mother.

Sorry for the rant.

ThePeanutGallery · 19/10/2017 08:43

My DM says it all the time. So did both my DGM's. I just smile and think "that's because you get to hand the little monsters back".

WhatwouldAryado · 19/10/2017 08:45

Yeah. My mum thinks and expresses this. It's fucked up. I avoid her.

WhatwouldAryado · 19/10/2017 08:48

In fact she has a t-shirt. "If I'd known grandchildren were this much fun I would have had them first ... and stopped there.

littlebird77 · 19/10/2017 08:49

That is a very painful thing to say in light of your childhood. Let is pass, there is no point in confronting her, that is how she feels.

Personally if I my mother was like this I would be limiting the amount of time I spent with her, perhaps consider going out when she is over with the gc so you make the relationship work for you.

Also recognise that you may feel pain at times over your lost relationship with her, and make up for it with other positive relationships.

RoryItsSnowing · 19/10/2017 08:50

I know how much my parents love me but they are absolutely besotted and obsessed with my little one. I think it's because the person/people they love most in the world producing a new generation is so exciting for them. And also they get to enjoy all the good bits without the sleep deprivation or other awful parts! I'm sure I've now been trumped in terms of who is loved the most in the family but I see it in a lovely way rather than anything taken away from my parents love for me.

Mrsmadevans · 19/10/2017 08:53

My DM has said this to me tbh and I'm ok with it she loves children anyones children! I think if you are secure in your families love there is enough to go around and I also think it's the rantings of a raving loonatic aka My Mother lol

NurseButtercup · 19/10/2017 08:53

YANBU. I think it's a bit tactless for her to say she loves her grandchild deeper than her own kids. But reading between the lines I suspect she struggled to cope being a mum. Maybe she had pnd and never received help to cope with it?

My mum was like this, she doted on my nieces and nephews (her grandkids) and showed them more affection than she ever showed me and my sisters (as children and adults). We had a shit childhood, mum was physically present but emotionally absent.

We were genuinely stunned and speechless by her behaviour - she was like a different women. The kids loved her to bits always enjoyed their time with grandma and she was happy to spend time with them. My sister used to make the occasional comment, but mainly just let them enjoy each other.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2017 08:56

My mother doesn’t have to tell me this. I know she loves my dd far more than she loves me. Dd and I have a really good relationship and dd has taught my mother to love to the best of her capacity. My mother made me feel completely insignificant and less important than her prize possessions.... including her Kenwood spatula.

We can’t choose our parents. We can choose to have a great relationship with our children by letting them know every day they are precious and special and nothing and no one is more important than them.

mummyretired · 19/10/2017 08:56

My mother told me when my daughter was pregnant that you don't love your grandchildren as much as you do your own child, and not to expect it. She has several children and grandchildren.
My GC is a delight but I think she's right - the children were my whole world when they were small.

Looserwoman · 19/10/2017 08:56

I thought this was very common.

amusedbush · 19/10/2017 08:57

My mum told me that she never wanted kids and only had us so my dad wouldn't leave. Then she admitted that she resented him because he got the kids he wanted and his full time job, while she was massively demoted, part-time and lost her footing on the career ladder for over a decade. Apparently she didn't enjoy us at all and only likes us now that we're adults and can "hang out".

Some things you just don't say to your child.

Hermagsjesty · 19/10/2017 08:57

I have a lovely, loving Mum and we had a really happy, nurturing childhood but I do think the way she loves my kids is different and deeper. She adores them. She’s quite an anxious person though and so I think it probably is that the lack of responsibility allows her to just enjoy them more.

She would never ever be so tactless and insensitive to actually say that to me though!!

ethelfleda · 19/10/2017 09:00

Sorry to derail OP, but this thread is really interesting. We were always an inconvenience to our parents growing up. To my Mom in particular... and I am now expecting her first GC and she is beyond excited and all of a sudden cant get enough of me?? And i hate it! Its like some relative stranger all of a sudden wanting to be my best mate when she didn't seem to give much of a shit before and I find I'm pulling away from her as much as I can!

falange · 19/10/2017 09:03

I have children and a grandchild. It’s true you love them in a different way. But both ways aren’t so different, it’s just I adore my granddaughter so much because I don’t have the responsibility for her. It’s easier that’s all. I can spoil her, we only do fun things together. I don’t love my children any less. Very tactless thing to tell you and unkind too.