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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love grandchildren more than own children.

126 replies

Sunnyx · 19/10/2017 08:29

So my DM has said a couple of times now:

“I’m totally overwhelmed. My love for my first grandchild is deeper than it was for my own kids”.

“I think it’s because I don’t have the responsibility”.

My relationship with my mum was virtually non existent growing up from the age of about 5.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd? Especially as it’s said directly to me?

OP posts:
singadream · 19/10/2017 20:16

My mum said she loved dd more because it was all the love for me multiplied by the love for dd. Kind of love for me squared. I liked it. Other than the suggestion that she might love her more than I do which is of course impossible.

phoenix1973 · 19/10/2017 20:30

I get where shes coming from. Responsibility is a joy sapper.
Maybe she means she loves the child stuff without worry of responsibility- rather than loving gkids more she loves the situation more.
But i would never say that to my child and your mum should not have said that to you.

Babybrainx2 · 19/10/2017 21:05

Italian - maybe I'm just too laid back. It came across as a little competitive to me to say "you should love me the most". I'm very secure in my relationship with my mum and together, we dote on my babies which obviously has a huge impact on my opinion. Think this is an agree to disagree moment.

pallisers · 19/10/2017 23:47

It came across as a little competitive to me to say "you should love me the most".

I thought that was the definition of having a parent - having a person who loves you the most for the whole of your life (and all your offspring as well of course - and then to a lesser extent your loved ones and friends). I love my kids like that - the most of anyone else. Mind you they probably think I love the dog the most ....

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 19/10/2017 23:59

I recently asked my mum what the best part of having had children was. She replied "grandchildren"! For me there's no greater pleasure than seeing my mum and dad with my own children. We are not a demonstrative family but in watching them together it reassures me how they feel about me but don't always express, if that makes sense.

Terri26 · 20/10/2017 00:05

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think it makes perfect sended for a Grandparent to love their grandchild more makes perfect sense. Apart from getting all the fun parts both have the same common enemy (especially in the teenage years lol).

pallisers · 20/10/2017 00:05

but in watching them together it reassures me how they feel about me but don't always express, if that makes sense.

yes that makes a lot of sense to me. My parents always said to us that they absolutely loved the toddler/small kid years but they were also very involved/fairly strict/concerned parents when we were teens. And your parents start to irritate you a bit as you get older.
When we saw them with our own small children we could see not only how much they loved them and enjoyed them but how much they enjoyed us at the same age. My dad would go down on the floor to play with the kids, my mum would send letters from the tooth fairy, they wrote funny little letters to the kids and made up stories about random things like the pictures in their rooms. It was like going back in time and seeing them as the lovely parents of small kids that they were. It was really nice.

HappyLollipop · 20/10/2017 00:22

I think my mum loves my DS more than me! I think it's because after having three daughters and always wanting a son it's nice for her to have a grandson, my dad is also enjoying his role as grandad he keeps singing Manchester United chants at him! They would never say they don't love me as much as my son, that's just rude and uncalled for really.

Oxcheeks · 20/10/2017 00:34

I did wonder how I could love DS2 as much as DS1 because I loved him so much, however the love was there and having children was the best thing that I did in my life, I was very non-maternal pre kids, I wouldn't be without them and I'm actually looking format to being a grandmother - although hopefully it will be at least 10 years away

Dustbunny1900 · 20/10/2017 00:45

My mother has never verbally expressed a preference or greater love, but she doesn't have to..she has a much closer relationship w/ my first born son than with any of her kids.

My parents are in a much healthier, more stable, calmer point in their lives that enables them to bond with and love their grandkids better and really participate in their upbringing. She definitely co-parented with me during his very young years , and dotes on him.

It makes me happy he has the relationship and bond that I never had as a kid, I want him to have everything I never got.

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2017 10:35

Baby because you were very loved and cared for as a child this has enabled you to have this view.

"I'm very secure in my relationship with my mum and together, we dote on my babies which obviously has a huge impact on my opinion. Think this is an agree to disagree moment" I was too so it would not bother me if my mum had loved my daughter more than me, because I know I was very love. So, yes I agree we will need to agree to disagree. Smile

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2017 10:41

pallisers yes that is exactly the point. Someone to love us more than anyone else. Grandparents may love us a lot but they rarely provide the day to day care for the child, when they do they are usually recognised I. Law as a special guardianship order.

The fact our parents love is primary, in childhood may explain why sibling rivalry is so tough!

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 20/10/2017 10:43

Blimey I don’t know if I could ever love anything/one more than dd, so if I do have grandkids I don’t know if I could cope!

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 20/10/2017 10:45

However I think I’ve had the worst of both worlds as my grandma doesn’t seem bothered about me and my own Mum seems well more into dd than me. Perhaps I am just very unlikeable!

lilly0 · 20/10/2017 10:51

My dad doesn't love DD more than me in fact he loves it when I come see him alone for a brew and some dinner, we have always been close though, my mum was a terrible mother and she does love DD more than me I'm happy though she has learnt to love and DD is loved it does sting a bit though .

TheOneWithThePurpleWrapper · 20/10/2017 10:52

My mum said she loved dd more because it was all the love for me multiplied by the love for dd. Kind of love for me squared. I liked it

Im a grandma many times over and I love what your mum said.

CheshireChat · 20/10/2017 15:27

My mum said she can't imagine she'll be able to love anyone more than me, but that doesn't mean she doesn't adore him.

I think in a close relationship where you're confident you are and were loved then this sort of comment is harmless. Heck, my mum used to joke I come after the pets!

But in a cold, dysfunctional relationship you may well feel incredibly hurt in a 'not only you were an absent parent, you're now rubbing it in my face' sort of way.

I feel sorry for all the people with toxic parents Flowers.

ucmb0223 · 05/08/2018 19:43

my story of betrayal is long so im sorry but i need to vent & get the opinions from parents & grandparents. I dated a girl for about 5 years while we were dating my mother & her never got along. we were young still in h.s. & couple years into adulthood, she broke up with me by packing all of my stuff & sending me a text while i was at school. i knew because she was so manipulative & two faced she would immediately try to get good with my family after the break up to hurt me further. so sobbing i went to my mom & warned her of this, i told her she'll try to befriend you please please dont talk to her. but soon after we broke up i noticed her & my mom were having lunch together & actually hanging out like they'd never done before. my mom even invited her to go to disneyland with herself, her wife (my stepmom) & my little sister. i was so devastated. our group of friends split as well but thats expected what wasnt was my familys betrayal. one night at a party about 2 weeks after we broke up i was already dating someone else, she is now my wife & we've been together for 10 years, when a friend came to me to tell me my ex was hooking up with my older brother. before i could confront him i got into a car accident, severely wounded & in the hospital my brother came to visit me & of course i had to ask him if it was true. he lied right to my face, looked me in the eye & lied to me about the shameful thing he was doing. next blow was a couple months later, my future wife & i were eating late at a denney's when i got a call from my mom. she told me my brother had gotten my ex pregnant- she was a couple months along & my mom confessed she'd kept is a secret & was only telling me know because my brother had gotten arrested & i couldnt do anything about it. i was in shock & so hurt i didnt speak for 2 days, i dont remember this my g.f. told me i looked like i'd seen a ghost & didnt speak for 2 days. my mom & i were very close, my brother & i were closer. they both stabbed me in the back. my mom has never been on my side. she took care of my ex while she was pregnant letting her move in, she lived there for awhile afterwards even moving cities with my parents. i went about 3 years without speaking to them but my depression took a toll on me & i decided to start talking to my mom again because i apparently love her more then she loves me. my wife of course doesnt like my parents or my brother & i dont blame her. i dont know if i can ever really forgive them. is this something all grandmas would do? choose their grandchild over their own child? because i was an adult my mom decided i didnt need her support but to instead support the people who hurt me?

IceCreamFace · 05/08/2018 19:49

Shock you could maybe get away with saying that if the DM had a very very close, secure relationship with her own DC and just meant it was an even deeper love (even then it's a bit odd). But no if your relationship wasn't great that's a horrible thing to say.

Floralnomad · 05/08/2018 19:56

Not true with my MIL , she loves her sons and has very limited interest in our dd (19) and zero interest in ds (25) and it has always been the same . My mum would probably say she loves us all equally , which is the right answer IMO .

Yogafailure · 05/08/2018 20:01

My mum adores my dc as they are part of me, and therefore her. I think the strength of her feelings overwhelmed her and when DS1 was born she started producing milk again, so strong was her emotional pull to him 😂. I think in many ways she does loves them more than myself and my siblings because they are younger/more vulnerable and also because she is wiser/more patient and gets to do all the fun things that she didn't always get to do with us due to working/ageing parents.

I wouldn't care if she said she did love my dc more..I know that after myself and DH she's next in line for them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/08/2018 20:10

Hi ucmb0223, it might be best to start your own thread. It's very hard to read and understand, paragraphs and punctuation would help posters get the gist and hopefully offer support.

llangennith · 05/08/2018 21:31

This thread is almost 10 months old.

toomuchtooold · 05/08/2018 21:54

A lot of the people on this thread with nice, normal parents are missing the bit in your OP where you say you had virtually no relationship with your mother since you were 5. Their mothers might dote on their grandchildren for all sorts of nice reasons, but your mother was not much of a mother to you and I'd be suspicious of her motives, to be frank. Watch her around your DC. Don't accept any behaviour which is upsetting to your DC or any behaviour which tends to put you against your DC or against your mother in the competition for your DC's affection.

toomuchtooold · 05/08/2018 21:55

Aargh zombie thread, sorry