To love grandchildren more than own children.

[Sunnyx]

So my DM has said a couple of times now:

“I’m totally overwhelmed. My love for my first grandchild is deeper than it was for my own kids”.

“I think it’s because I don’t have the responsibility”.

My relationship with my mum was virtually non existent growing up from the age of about 5.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd? Especially as it’s said directly to me?

I agree that this in an insensitive thing to say. I believe many grandparents feel intense love for their DGC simply because they didn’t have the time or wisdom to appreciate their own DCs and this is like a second chance without the work, worry and responsibility. I know that my MIL felt like this about DD1 but her adorable DGC is now a moody teen and she is not as adoring as she used to be.

I think it's awful but it's probably got something to do with the fact that GC are little.

It's kind of surreal, reading how many people think this is awful. I genuinely find it lovely - my mum and I had a hideous relationship growing up, and she was really rather unpleasant to us a lot of the time, but as an adult and a mum, I can see why - she was depressed, and struggling, and honestly I think I would have been as well. So seeing her have the bond with my own kids is really nice. I see her in a new way, and she gets to have the loving bond with her family that might have been possible, had our early years been easier on her (and if she'd been more mature when she had us, too).

My childhood is a long time ago, but theirs is now. And I am offering them a much happier one, which includes a Granny who adores them. That's an amazing thing. I don't know. I don't really see it as a new loss, that she says this stuff. I see it as a gain for me, as well as my kids. Even in practical terms because she is a great help.

Well grandchildren are so completely different from one's own children, frankly, for good and for bad. My dd has so much responsability. I don't get to make the important decisions for my dgd, which is annoying when I would like to, but wonderfully freeing at the same time.

Five children in a row must have been exhausting for your mother.

Yeah - i must say this thread has really surprised me with how strongly people feel about this. I think it's nice! I can't imagine needing to be reassured by my mother that she loves me better than my dc. As usual i'm the odd one out.

I can understand a grandparent enjoying their GC more than their children but I can't understand loving them more. Very hurtful thing to say OP, I'm sorry.

See, I can understand that. It was hard for my mum to love us in a pure, flowing way, because DS was undiagnosed autistic and she was constantly told his problems were because she was an inadequate single mother, and she couldn't afford to take us out and do all the fun things with us I do with mine. It's bloody hard, parenting (I also have an ASD child) and it's hard to love as much as you might in very dark times. I've had a taste of that in the 6 months prior to DS's diagnosis.

Most of the time I love being a mother, and I love being with my kids. My mum has that with them, too. But the period when things were very hard, I found it hard to love my son. It's not at all uncommon with PND. A woman with 5 kids and severe PND may well have struggled to love them as fully as would be ideal (I think she probably did, but it was submerged under the flattened affect of depression, and the relentless grind of their physical needs) whereas she can now love her gc truly and without restraint.

To me, that says nothing about the loveability of her kids (I mean, I am adorable ) and everything about her miserable experience of motherhood. So it's great she is able to enjoy being a grandmother... and hopefully to support her daughter in making her own experience as a mum so much easier, happier, and more fulfilling.

sleep "It's kind of surreal, reading how many people think this is awful. I genuinely find it lovely - my mum and I had a hideous relationship growing up, and she was really rather unpleasant"

that's probably connected to your view. I love my mum so much, we had a wonderful relationship from whenever my earliest memories are, if I had children and she loved them more than me I'd be heartbroken!

I think my mum feels the same way. She is totally overwhelmed with love for my kids. She only has me and I have 4 and they are totally her life. She clearly loves me and my husband too, but I reckon if she was forced to say who she loved more it would be the grandkids. Doesn’t really upset me, but then I have always had a close relationship with my mum and I think it would be different if I hadn’t.

that's probably connected to your view. I love my mum so much, we had a wonderful relationship from whenever my earliest memories are, if I had children and she loved them more than me I'd be heartbroken!

Yeah, see that's the thing. I know most people with my childhood now have mothers who bullshit that it was all kittens farting rainbows. I don't have that; my mother admits she hated it, and that she was useless. (And walking in shoes that are similar to hers, but with a husband and a lot more money and the knowledge that comes from having been through it before, I can see how hard she had it, without having to endure the same thing, too.)

In all honesty, I'd be intensely mistrustful of my mother if she were saying she felt the same way, because my memories were of an angry, grim-faced, resentful woman who was just longing to be somewhere else. Watching her adore my two and play with them patiently and just think they are fabulous is amazing, because there is this other person who thinks they are the best people in the whole world, outside my husband and I. If she pretended my childhood had been like that, I'd feel mixed resentment, anger, and concern as to how she was with them when I wasn't there.

My DM would never say it but her attachment to my DDs, and my DSis’s DCs really seems so much stronger than what she had for us when we were growing up. She was remote them, mind always on other things, but with DGC, she is so warm and loving. My DSis has said the same.

Those that don't understand why it would bother someone if this was said. If you'd had a shit unloving childhood and then your mother steamed in gushing over your kids and how much more she loved them, maybe you'd understand a little more then?

It's not a thing my Mum and me have ever discussed, but I don't believe for one second my mum loves my kids more than me, she's always been a great mum. I suspect my sister's youngest son is her favourite grandchild though, even though she has always treated the grandchildren scrupulously fairly. DN has a disability and is a bit of a scamp. I think she feels extra protective towards him.

I have asked FiL if he loves his grandchildren more though. He is always very vocal (to the point of tediousness) about how much he adores them. He was very surprised I should even ask and insisted that his love for his grandchildren was nothing compared to his love for DH and Bil.

What was even sadder for my mother- was that my grandparents idolised me and let me get away with murder- when with her they had been very punitive and cruel.

I think I'd say it to her. "I'm glad you love my children, mum, but I wish you would stop saying that you love them far more than your children. As one of your children, I find that a little upsetting"

I had a lovely childhood with lovely parents and I would have been upset if my mum said this. To the day she died I was certain that there was no one in the world she loved more than my sister and me. It was a very secure feeling to have. She loved her grandchildren the same.

My grandma was there too and she kind of agreed saying yes, it is different.

So your Grandma just agreed that she loved you more than your DM - that's great - surprised you didn't get a wee wink from Grandma.

I had a pretty shit childhood actually, and my parents were shit parents - altho i knew they loved me - they were very self absorbed and big drinkers putting their personal life very much ahead of my needs and being violent and abusive to each other and sometimes me. Which is why i'm so pleased they love my kids so much. I don't resent it at all.

Those that don't understand why it would bother someone if this was said. If you'd had a shit unloving childhood and then your mother steamed in gushing over your kids and how much more she loved them, maybe you'd understand a little more then?

That's... pretty much exactly my situation, as I've said? And it not only doesn't bother me, it makes me happy. Why would I want the next generation to cope with shit grandparenting, or my mum to miss out on how much fun and how lovely small kids can be? I don't have a time machine. I can't redo the past. I can hope the present and future are happier for all of us, no?

I heartily suspect that DM would want to say this, though her sense of propriety would (hopefully) stop her actually doing so.
In mitigation, when DB and I were born she was stuck in an abusive relationship. There was no money and she was left effectively as a single parent as my father absolved himself of all responsibilities that he didn’t fancy or wouldn’t get him praise and admiration from outsiders. She has effectively written about 50% of my childhood from her memory as I imagine it was fairly traumatic for her.
When DS came along she was free, she had more money than she could ever have dreamed of (though still very modest by most standards) so she could spoil him, she was never dashing off to yet another job so could spend time with him. All in all I suspect the experience of grandparenting was significantly better than that of parenting, especially as DS is a dream child compared to me at a similar age

I'm surprised that so many people feel so strongly that this is wrong. My mum probably loves my kids more than she does me - great! My babies are awesome and deserve all the love in the world. Surely you aren't competing for rank above your own children?

If you've had a poor childhood, wouldn't it make you happy that your mum has found her stride and get the positive relationship that you never had?

If you had a good relationship then your kids will get the same and more.

Win win :)

^This is general, not directed at op.

My dd's father was hopeless with her, but he is wonderful with his dgd. Aught is better than naught, frankly.

Surely you aren't competing for rank above your own children?

No. You simply want your own parents to love you as much as they do your children. It isn't ranking. It is just acknowledging that becoming a parent doesn't render you a cipher - you are still a person with emotional needs and are capable of being hurt.

I can see why people are glad their parents are better grandparents than parents but I still think a parent who will express this to their child (oh I love your children more than I love you) is still not a good parent.

I hope to give my children what my parents gave me - the feeling of being the person (well along with sister and then our children) they loved the most in the world. If your parents can't give you that, then I think it is fine to feel a bit crap about it.

Baby you don't seem to understand how relationships work. Normally people aren't happy to be overlooked by the person/people who is meant to love them the most in the world! It's not about competition.

I have a close, loving relationship with my daughter and always have had. I would never say that I loved my granddaughter more, I love her differently. I have more time, patience and money than I had when my daughter was growing up and I think this makes for a more restful, stress free relationship. They are my favourite two people in the world!