To love grandchildren more than own children.

[Sunnyx]

So my DM has said a couple of times now:

“I’m totally overwhelmed. My love for my first grandchild is deeper than it was for my own kids”.

“I think it’s because I don’t have the responsibility”.

My relationship with my mum was virtually non existent growing up from the age of about 5.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd? Especially as it’s said directly to me?

Strange to play love top trumps with any family member. Can't blame you for feeling a bit hurt.

But on the plus side your mum loves your kids & you have a good/decent relationship. Hopefully she won't bring it up again & perhaps this is something best forgotten.

My DH's father is in his late 50s and has started thinking that if he blurts out tactless stuff about how he treats his GCs much better than he treated my DH it will serve as some sort of sh1t apology. I think there is some guilt at the bottom of it but it is plainly letting himself off the hook and cowardly. We are pregnant now and he is not having privileges with my son. i can't stand him. He was and is a bully and a manipulative personality who has to take over and be at the centre of everything. He's incredibly highly strung and manic, and is extremely rude to DH's mum (his wife) in front of us. Myself and DH's brother's wife are just gobsmacked by the dynamic and don't put up with it - she confronts him and I take the p1ss out of him all the time to neutralise. Like "oooh you're very sassy today!" when he's rude and ill tempered to DH's mum.

As far as I'm concerned I'm the backstop. If I have to protect DH, DH's mum and my baby from his D's bullying that's fine by me. My DD died last year and was ex-special services and a perfect gentleman - he was the sort of person who stood up to mean little bullies like DH's dad in his second career in education and I'm fucked if I'm going to honour his life by putting up with it all and standing by doing nothing.

AND BREATHE!

Could it just be that very young children are so easy to love? She might not feel the same when her grandchildren are in their teens.

I'm a GM and love my DC and DGC but I certainly enjoy my DGC more than I enjoyed my three DC. I was so busy making sure they were clothed and fed that I think I forgot about enjoying them. I interact more with my DGC, and play age appropriate games with them, whereas I left my kids to entertain themselves and each other.

What your mother said was horribly insensitive but be grateful she loves your DC. My own DM was a selfish mother and didn't bother much with her DGC. They didn't have the lovely relationship I enjoyed with my own Grandma but I think my mother missed out more because none of her DGC were close to her.

I can't evaluate it.

I can't say if it's one more than the other, I don't know if it's equal. I just love them all to bits.

My first instinct is that it's fine. The more people who love and would nurture and fiercely protect my children, the better.

But, reading on, I realise that this is really about your personal relationship with your mother (or any relative saying this). If you felt secure and loved by your mum, then sharing that love is easy. If not, then it feels like abandonment.

I guess someone who didn't give their children secure love, wouldn't be aware or might not care about the crassness of telling them that they love someone else more than they love their own child. Very sad.

Ultimately, if they can give your dc the love and security that dc need, then it's a bitter pill that might be worth swallowing for the dc's sake. Otherwise, I think I would consider the gp-dgc relationship to be an added extra, like a trip to a theme park - an occasional treat for the dc, something which you don't particularly care for, but which will give them lots of pleasure and good memories.

My mum's life revolves around my children. She always struggled to show emotion when I was a kid but doesn't have any issue with my kids. She just adores them. I had a lovely childhood, I've got no complaints. It is sometimes really anoyimg when I'm trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's too busy with the baby.

I think love is just so hard to define. I love my children so deeply and they have given me such joy. But the love I feel for my only Grandchild is altogether different. I seem to delight in him so much more. I find I just seem to dote on him and every single new thing he does or says. I guess with my own children it was so lovely but exhausting bringing them up alone, full time work and no family support. With my Grandchild when I see him or have him to stay, I don't have to worry about chores and rushing to get to work etc. I can solely enjoy him. Maybe this is what your Mother means?

I'm not sure if I love my grandkids more than my kids but it's more intense.

I guess when I am with my grandkids I am totally focused on them and not distracted by mundane matters...i simply have the time to really enjoy them.

It's a hurtful thing to voice but I wouldn't be surprised if many grandparents feel this a little bit. With my kids and their grandparents they get together to have fun and be spoiled. No day to day drudgery of being a parent is involved. Short bursts of time when the kids are well, clean (ish), healthily fed and well rested. They don't see the broken nights, poorly kids, struggles at meal times etc. The kids always behave beautifully for them as they don't test boundaries with them. What's not to love?
It's a much more simplistic relationship based on love and fun with non of the ball ache, heart ache and worry of being a parent.

I was going to text my mum this morning to ask her if she loves 5 week old DD more than me!

I think it's perhaps because they don't have the daily grind with grandkids, none of the negative stuff, no screaming at 3am or poo all over. It's also probably easier to be loving after a full nights sleep!

It does make sense in relation to what you say "My mother ended up being a single parent 30+ years ago and felt pressure to marry coming from a Mormon family. She married my DF and had another 5 kids in quick successio." Especially when you say "We lived on an isolated farm and she had no job/me time." It sounds tough for all of you.

You are right she may have had PND.

I was going to say "Odd, weird, cruel and tackles." But actually your mum sounds like she had a tough time, and maybe now she is positive and able to bond better with her grandchild than with you or her other children.

I guess if she doesn't like the responsibility that is why she likes this, the lack of responsibility. It doesn't mean she truly loves her grandchild more than her children, maybe it means she was not able to form positive relationships and now is.

Yes, it's weird and really rather unpleasant. My own parents have told me that they wished they could have had grandchildren without having had to have a child first.

Bloody hell - I'm fond of my grandchildren, they 're a lovely bunch of boys but do I love them more than my own kids? No way. Perhaps because I'm not a dotey, babysitting, 'give them to me to look after' granny, my son (their father) and his partner do a perfectly good job of bringing them up, they don't need me! Other than to pootle round now and again and visit. I certainly don't do the overnights, pretending they are mine stuff that I see other grandparents doing.
Maybe because I had five kids of my own and got all the baby thing out of my system?

I don't think that is odd at all. I am so close to my mum, I'm an only child and we talk around 10 times a day on the phone (no exageration) and my parents come to stay with us for the weekend every other week. I am so close to both of them. My mum has been very honest that my daughter who is now 2 has become her world. She has said that it's totally different to how she feels about me and yes it's a deeper love. I don't have a problem with that at all, in fact it makes me happy. To have someone else love my daughter the way I love her surely is only a good thing. If we were in a burning building I would want my mum to run in for her instead of me.
You know how precious your baby is to you? Well imagine it's your baby's baby (if that makes sense). That baby is so precious to your child so it becomes precious to you not just because it's your grandchild but because that baby is now your child's world.

I'm not sure if I have explained that very well but hopefully someone understands my ramblings.

I would love any grandparent to say/behave like that: My take is that some grandparents lose the novelty. In our family i just see increasing apathy, either through illhealth or plain laziness. Far and away, the most devoted grandparents that my childen have are old family friends who dote on them.

I don’t think it’s an odd thing for her to feel. Though as people have said, a bit tactless to say.

It isn't something she should've said to you.
But maybe she had trouble bonding with her babies?
Depression?
And maybe it's a simple case of being in a better place mentally/emotionally and able to immerse herself fully in the love and bonding of the grandkids?

It might be something a lot of people feel, but expressing it out-loud when you two don't have a solid bond is a bit flat-footed. If you were close, it might be a sort of confession which is acceptable. I love my children, but the effort that their care requires means that I can't sit back and enjoy them in the way that my parents and in-laws do. Lots of us notice that our parents seem to be much more generous, patient people than we remember from children once our children are born! My mother complained about this regarding her own father.

The only thing worse than seeing your parents spoil your children in a way that you never were, is to not see them do it. Indifferent grandparents are far more painful. Once the baby is born let her have at it. You'll appreciate the break.

I think it is different, I'm not really in favour of trying to "weigh" love.

It is a daft thing to say.

My mum adores my children, i think it's just easier to love a baby, and as they get older there is less pressure so it seems they love more when in fact it's a different kind of love.

That's not really love, love is unconditional.
I am sorry OP.

My mother says exactly the same, and it actually makes me happy because I know there is someone out there who loves the kids as much as I do.

She was a single parent and I have a disabled sibling. Hideously hard work and relentless responsibility. It makes absolute sense to me that she can fully enjoy loving a child without having to worry about disciplining them, paying for everything they need, or getting up all through the nights for them. It's all the same love and reward, but without the grind.

I don't think it detracts from loving your kids, to acknowledge that the demands make for ambivalence for most mums. The grandparental bond allows for the love without the ambivalence, in many cases, I think.

A really horrible thing to say. I would never think this way.