To love grandchildren more than own children.

[Sunnyx]

So my DM has said a couple of times now:

“I’m totally overwhelmed. My love for my first grandchild is deeper than it was for my own kids”.

“I think it’s because I don’t have the responsibility”.

My relationship with my mum was virtually non existent growing up from the age of about 5.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd? Especially as it’s said directly to me?

"Very odd and a weird dynamic that I would keep your child away from"

That's a horrible thing to do . And what exactly will that achieve?

"I think it probably is that the lack of responsibility allows her to just enjoy them more"

I think this is very true. When my sister had a her children (before DD was born) I loved playing with them and spoiling them, knowing that my sister had all the mundane shitty stuff to deal with. When DD was born the love I felt for her was completely different and much much deeper.

I often read sad posts on here from mothers whose parents or in-laws show no interest in their grandchildren. I think posters should consider themselves lucky to have such doting grandparents.

My mum said this a week ago, she loves my kids more because they are small but when they get older she'll love me more again. she was serious though

Heartbreaking. I hope my children never feel anything from me that overshadows my love for them and I hope every day that my love is enough for them.

I might have to add that to the letter to my older self which lists things not to say when your children become a parent. (It's a theoretical letter)

I hope you can put distance between the hurt caused by that remark and your heart and that you can take it as a reverse lesson in parenting.

I imagine that love for grandchildren is unexpected in it's intensity as the depth of love for children is and if you were not bowled over when your own children arrived, then its an even bigger surprise.

A relative said this once in passing to my mother and Aunt who were and was abit of a tumbleweed moment.

Afterwards my mother and Aunt both assured me this was not the case! The relative was estranged from her adult dd who as an absolute pain so in her case it was true but she didn't actually say it to the dd and to say this to the adult child is odd and hurtful.

My mother ended up being a single parent 30+ years ago and felt pressure to marry coming from a Mormon family. She married my DF and had another 5 kids in quick successio. We lived on an isolated farm and she had no job/me time. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did have PND but I have never heard of her having it. She is now a very positive person and we have a good relationship although that deep mother/daughter bond is not there.

My dad said to me once, she once admitted when we were all very young she didn’t feel that bond with one or all (can’t remember) but I didn’t believe him. Now I think it could be true.

I am fairly certain my mum loves my son more than me. And I'm fine with that. I love him more than anything else in the world too except for the dog and as far as I'm concerned, the more people who feel like that about him, the better!

I’m close to DM and an only child, but have 4 DC. I asked her about it once and she said it’s extremely strong, she adores them just as much as me but differently, and the lack of responsibility does help. I think it’s because GPs get all of the good stuff but they don’t have all the hard work (usually). When I see her with my DC I know she utterly adores them, it probably helps that they’re much easier kids than I was

No idea, but actually saying it to your own child is weird and extremely hurtful. I would take your grandma's comment not as validating your mum, but validating you - "yes I love Sunnyx more than Sunnyxmum" - and I bet you are very lovable and not inclined to spout hurtful nonsense to your child.

I wish my mother loved my children as much as she loved herself. I gave her the chance to be a better grandmother than she was mother but she threw that back in my face as well

My mum loves my dd more than me (or my siblings), I felt very loved by my Mum growing up and we still have a good relationship but she absolutely adores my DD. The feeling is mutual. Dd is her only grandchild which I think has intensified things somewhat.
Doesn’t bother me in the least and I don’t feel rejected or snubbed (neither do my siblings)

It's a hard one. I think my parents loved me more as a child than they love my kids now. But if it was who they love more at this present moment i think they'd go with the cute toddlers over the moany 40 year old and tbh i'd want my parents to love my kids more than they love me. I love my children so much i want them to have that from their GPs too.

I grew up with very indifferent grandparents and that stings. DH and i are also only children so they children have no other relatives (other GPs are gone) and i hope the love from my parents makes up for that someway.

And tbf I think it wouldn't bother me because my dc are so awesome that the only thing that surprises me is that more people don't love them more than their own kids! only half joking

Maybe she is trying to make it clear that although your relationship with her was fucked up from an early age, she won't do the same to your child. Acknowledging she can't change the past but the future will be different and you don't need to worry about your child with her?
Still fucked up but could be a diffferent angle on things.

It might be because they are cute and cuddly and that time was a long time ago to the GOs. And also GPS don’t have the constant washing, cooking, cleaning to do so have more time to sit and enjoy.
But aged GPS seem to me to lose interest in adult GCs and revert to fussing over DCs.

I think that's a really cruel thing to say. . I'm so sorry your DM is so rubbish.

I think mothers can just be extremely tactless - I'm very close to mine but she tends to treat me as a friend rather than her child (I am 40 though). When DS was born she said you always feel an amazingly special bond with your first born that's not there with your other DC. I'm the youngest of 4. Thanks DM.

But I actually think in another way, she wouldn't dream of having a conversation like that with any of my siblings, because they just aren't that close, and wouldn't discuss with each other how they felt as parents.

My dad feels the opposite- he loves his GC but not the same way he feels about his own dc. But then my late mum did an awful lot of the child care when we were growing up, so maybe the responsibility thing has something to do with it.

I do think it's a strange thing to say, but maybe she thought she was paying your dc a compliment as she was saying how much she loves them - even more than her own dc (which is a lot). Don't know. Also, she may not remember how much she loved you as children as you are now adults. It was rude regardless though and maybe a bit odd yes.

OP’s grandma lost a great opportunity there to affirm her mum by saying, “I can totally relate to that feeling, seeing as how much I love OP more than You’.

If I walk through the door to my DM's house with dd, DM will fall on dd with cries of rapture and then belatedly remember to greet me too. It makes me laugh rather than resent it. She saw a lot more of me growing up than she sees of her granddaughter because we live quite far away so it's not surprising that it's much more of a treat to see her granddaughter. She can enjoy the cuteness without the boring duty bits.

I was chatting to a colleague yesterday about parenting in general. She's one of 7, but the only daughter. To cut a long story short, within her culture, the only grandchildren valued are daughters children, because you know they are your own genes being passed on (the inference being, you can't ever be sure your sons wife is carrying his child )

I think it's a very tactless and stupid thing to say but considering her background I'd assume she meant she is enjoying and appreciating her GC more rather than actually 'loving' them more.

I've heard this quite a bit. I think many of them had their own kids at a time where they were perhaps a bit too young, when there was a lack of reliable or easily accessible contraception and children were seen as something that happened to you or were expected rather than the choice they are now. With both my pregnancies, my Mum said "so is this good news?" All that means they may not have valued their own children in a way they are able to value their grandchildren now that they're perhaps financially secure and have matured. I find my parents and their ilk very "forgetful" when it comes to remembering just how shit they were to their kids too. Also it often wears off once the children stop being little and cute. My parents couldn't get enough of my children right up till they were about seven, now they're pre teen and a teenager, not so much. I see all that impatience and critical attitude towards them that I remember so clearly growing up.

My parents absolutely love DD more than me. It doesn't really bother me though? I don't see why it would?

I think that all it demonstrates is just how shallow some people's idea of 'love' is.

They're experiencing all the easy bits of spending close time with a small child, but not actually parenting. Not having to give up on things they want to do for that child's sake. Not having broken sleep or evenings of homework or washing school uniforms or refereeing arguments for the100th time. Just fun visits and play and adoring 'Granny granny' moments.

Of course, they're also not getting that knowledge that they're contributing to their development, teaching them right from wrong, guiding them, stretching them... but they don't see that, because that's the kind of stuff they didn't value when they were parents and don't now. They resented actually putting themselves out then and they're delighted they don't have to do that now but can still have the fun. And that's what OP's mum describes as a 'deeper love'. Hahaha.

I don't think it's any coincidence that the majority of grandparents described on this thread as saying they feel like that sound as if they were sadly lacking as parents. And yes, it's quite toxic, so I can totally understand those who've followed up by saying that it's one of the reasons they've limited contact. If I'd had a mum or dad like some of the ones described here, yes I think I would think that seeing my child used as a tool to get off on 'parenting lite' by my self-absorbed parents would possibly not be so good for them.

extremely insensitive. have you tried saying something that direct back, like "yes i know, i was acutely aware of that throughout my childhood"

i never really understand why adults let their parents talk all kinds of direct and insensitive stuff without telling them the truth back. if she wants that kind of conversation, have it with her.

I often read sad posts on here from mothers whose parents or in-laws show no interest in their grandchildren. I think posters should consider themselves lucky to have such doting grandparents.

I can relate to this.

I don't see nothing wrong with the comment but if you don't have that close relationship I can understand why you feel upset. Me and my oldest dd have that kind of relationship the other day she called me lazy, cheeky bugger. My second dd I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to her or my third, but that may all change as they get older.