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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to get out of something that I didnt agree to?

999 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/10/2017 15:59

I am very close friends with a group of 5 ladies, known each other since high school.
We all have children ranging from the ages of 1-6.

Friend 1s child started reception this year and has joined the PTA aswell. Friend 2 & 3 already have children at this school. Friend 1 is the only one on the PTA.

Friend 2 has just text me, saying she didnt know I was offering a prize at the christmas fair.

Me: What?
F2: One of the raffle prizes is a colour & cut at KungFus Salon.
Me : Must be an error and mean another salon.

Cue a whatsapp message of friend 3, with a screenshot of the flyer and the message "kept this quiet. Its lovely of you though"

In the flyer it mentions how the school will be grateful for donations etc etc, raffle tickets go on sale after the school holidays for X price. It then goes on to give a "sneak peek" for some prizes up for grabs and sure enough their is my bloody salon 3rd on the list offering a colour and cut.

Text F1 did she sign me up. Yes she did, that was her contribution (?!)
I asked F1 will she be paying for the voucher. She has responded No, she wont be because its for a good cause and the rest of the community has donated bits and bobs.

Now Im stuck.
I didnt agree to any of this and now leaflets have been given out advertising my salon donating one of the prizes.
All the money goes to the school so it is a good cause, but i just see it as my child doesn't attend that school or any school for that matter. This "donation" will leave me anywhere from £30-£45 out of pocket.

Would i look horrendous ringing the school up and explaining what has happened or shall I suck it up and just do it.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 18/10/2017 18:56

Can you not just go ahead and then claim the donation as a charity donation when you do your year ending accounts?

I must say, if it's a good cause then 30 - 45 pounds is not a lot of money and I haven't seen a cut and colour that cheap in a long time. The supplied would be for nothing surely.

That's not the point though I know!

Willow2017 · 18/10/2017 18:56

She didn't have any qualms about donating £50 of your money and time without paying for it herself to try to suck up to pta so i would have none about telling the school the truth. She will probably do it again if not to you then to soneone else next time if you let her away with it this time.

melj1213 · 18/10/2017 18:57

Lanbro that's all well and good but the operative words in your post are that you regularly donate vouchers to local causes for your businesses ... as the owner that's your decision to make but it is not for your friends to donate on your behalf without even talking to you about it, never mind asking!

I refuse to be voluntold I am doing something ... in your situation OP I'd either be messaging CF1 and saying that she has two choices - pay for the voucher at £X (whether that's full price or only charging for materials/minimal labour costs is at your discretion) or you will be calling the school to withdraw their "generous donation" offer and telling the exactly why. I'd give her a deadline and tell her that if you don't hear from her by 9pm tonight to arrange payment for the voucher you will assume she has taken the second option and you will be calling the school first thing tomorrow morning.

If you do phone the school I would inform them of the fact you weren't consulted and didn't make the offer so it is not available as you cannot afford to donate that prize. You could then give them an option to either fund the prize through the PTA/proceeds of the raffle since you don't want your business to suffer from the bad press of withdrawing or (if you are happy to do so) offer an alternate prize that is less time/cost intensive to you.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/10/2017 18:58

Wow - she's got some brass balls!

Personally I'd contact the HT and explain the situation. Say you are willing to honour it this time because you don't want school to suffer (especially if this is potentially school your dc will attend) but that she needs to set up a policy whereby any donations in future from parties offering a voucher or some such are confirmed in writing. This is what my school do.

ArchchancellorsHat · 18/10/2017 19:00

If she's embarrassed it's because she chose to not pay for the voucher surely, as well as choosing not to ask you first. Is she still refusing to pay or speak to you?

Jeezoh · 18/10/2017 19:00

I'd be texting her to tell her she is welcome to pay you the cost of the treatment or you'll be contacting the school to withdraw an offer you never made. She didn't think twice about offering your services for free so I wouldn't be feeling obliged to offer an alternative cheaper treatment to save her blushes. If she was that bothered about your friendship, she'd be replying to your texts and apologising profusely. This isn't your mess to sort out, it's hers!

Willow2017 · 18/10/2017 19:01

Claiming it on tax would only mean getting back the difference in tax paid by op and paid by charity. And as the school may not be a registered charity she would get nothing.
And a school op has no affiliation to is not a good cause realky.

Blatherskite · 18/10/2017 19:02

She wasn't thinking of how it would affect you when she offered the prize. I wouldn't be thinking of how it will affect her when you withdraw it!

tinygirlsmum · 18/10/2017 19:03

I'd phone the school and tell them you're happy to honour it this time (but change for cut and blowdry) because it's been advertised, but in future don't count you in for stuff unless they have it in writing from you

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/10/2017 19:03

But KungFu - you wouldn't be the one embarrassing her, she's done that all by herself.

CoraPirbright · 18/10/2017 19:03

She's not even vaguely apologetic!! I agree with pp's who say offer her two options: 1) F1 bloody well pays up so "her contribution" is actually just that, thus saving face or 2) you will inform the school and pta of her duplicity.

Then frankly I would be cutting this friend off. The fact that she isn't shame-facedly apologising & offering to cover your costs tells you all you need to know.

Appuskidu · 18/10/2017 19:04

I was thinking of ringing the school and notifying them that i think F1 made a mistake and I wasnt donating a CC i was offering another treatment

That actually makes you sound a bit flaky. Just tell the truth.

FenceSitter01 · 18/10/2017 19:04

You said you could afford the treatment - just not at this time of year when you could be having paying customers. So date the voucher - valid from 05 Jan - 31 March, excluding weekends - make it time bound on your terms - it will probably expire anyway.

Your friend is a complete muppet BUT free publicity is good publicity.

If you're self employed you know as well as I do you can write this off

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/10/2017 19:04

OP - don't be bullied into offering anything at all. Speak to the school and explained what happened - they need to deal with the issue (by publicising an error on their part NOT by saying you have withdrawn an offer)

And if you do it this time you'll be on the list as someone who gives vouchers for school things (and CFF may just do.it again too)

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 18/10/2017 19:07

kungfu I can actually understand why you don’t feel able to embarrass her by refusing to provide any prize at all but is she the type that will still see your compromise as something that makes her look bad?

I mean it’s not that I’d give a crap how she looks to the PTA but I’m imagining her righteous indignation that you dared to change it and you’d be even more sick about if you were giving up your time (and income) and she still had the hump!

While I’d be very tempted to leave her sort it all out herself realistically you’d have to be prepared for the effect the fall out may have on the friendship group. Also on your business potentially. I know a pp pointed out that people don’t tend to flock to a business simply because they donated a prize but I suspect some may decide to avoid a business if they perhaps were given the impression a donation was made and then withdrawn... Is there a risk she’d badmouth you to save face?

I think I’d probably provide the cut and colour but with t&cs as others have suggested. I’d never feel the same about so called friend again though!

wibblywobblywoo · 18/10/2017 19:09

I was thinking of ringing the school and notifying them that i think F1 made a mistake and I wasn't donating a CC i was offering another treatment instead and could they rectify this mistake ASAP.

If that's what you're most comfortable doing OP then that's the best thing for you and you are very kind to be thinking like that - but just to reiterate, as so many others have already said - you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to 'honour' or 'follow through' you haven't 'let anyone down'. You simply have a cheeky fucker friend who took your name in vain.

thenightsky · 18/10/2017 19:09

I wouldn't worry about embarrassing her... she clearly didn't give half a shit about embarrassing you!

Motherofterriers · 18/10/2017 19:10

I'd leave her to stew. She'll need to come up with a voucher, and she can only get that from you. So she's going to have to get in touch. Tell her then she needs to pay for it - and make it valid from mid January, or whenever your busy time is over

TheAntiBoop · 18/10/2017 19:11

Tell her you won't call the school if she pays for the voucher

If you let her do it once she will keep on doing it

Whinesalot · 18/10/2017 19:14

That's very nice of you if you do that - with the condition it is valid in 2018, and it will make you look more than reasonable with F2 and F3. I'm sure she's ruined the friendship with all three of you though. How on earth can you get past this? She should be grovelling and apologising at the very least - not ignoring you.

Aderyn17 · 18/10/2017 19:15

You are worried about embarrassing her because you are nice, but she isn't worried about you, is she?
She had a way out of this - she could have paid you for the voucher. She chose not to. If you let this stand then you might as well have 'mug' tattoed on your forehead.

wibblywobblywoo · 18/10/2017 19:15

Also, personally I wouldn't go with the suggestions of doing the job but attaching a lot of 'conditions' to the voucher as some pp's have suggested - this could really backfire on you as a business if the person who wins gets really ticked off to find so many restrictions on their 'prize' . They could well end up moaning about to you their friends and family "Honestly, I won a voucher for a do at KungFu's salon but it was so restrictive I couldn't get to actually use it....what a con!" Shock

melj1213 · 18/10/2017 19:21

Another thing, I'd want the PTA to know mainly just so this doesn't happen in future - CF1 has offered your services but the PTA surely shouldn't be advertising it on posters/flyers etc unless they have confirmation that there is definitely a prize offered? Otherwise people could promise anything from any company and the school wouldn't know it was available until/unless the company contacts them to make them aware of the discrepancy ... as in this case.

With DD's school the PTA will meet and discuss raffle prizes and compile a list of donations long before they are advertised. As part of that they contact the companies/professionals directly and ask them to fill in a donation form where they can outline their details, the donation and any specifics/T&Cs of their offer. That serves two purposes 1) so that both the school and the business are clear on what is being offered (so that everyone is on the same page as to the specifics of the donation and nothing is being offered that hasn't been donated) and 2) so that they have a written confirmation of the offer in case of any issues further down the line

InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/10/2017 19:22

I would worry about bad publicity if you pull out of this, but then you can't just let it go. Even if you are in the right, the cost in undoing the bad advertising of you "withdrawing" might cost you far more.

Don't speak to CF friend. Frankly your friend is so cheeky, she's lost the right to control the situation.

Call the school and explain that you have been told that and cut and colour at your salon has been offered as a prize in their raffle, but you think this must be a mistake as you have not been asked nor made the offer. Could they check it wasn't a mix up with a different salon, and if not, how this happened.

Say that as a "good will gesture" to the community you would be prepared to offer a prize - but you would like them to find out how this happened and obviously check the other prizes are genuine.

CF friend looks a twat and hasn't got away with it, you look incredibly generous and community minded - plus get free advertising on the flyers and more importantly, no bad publicity.

BeBeatrix · 18/10/2017 19:23

She doesn't deserve to have you 'save her face'.

But for the sake of not making things too awkward for the rest of the friendship group, maybe give her the option of giving you the money in the next 24 hours, before you contact the school.

No money forthcoming? Tell the school the prize was offered fraudulently. For the sake of your business' reputation, offer a cut and blowdry anytime in the first half of 2018, to avoid it looking like you've either withdrawn a prize or put too many conditions on it.

It's unfair you should have to, but at least you don't risk (wholly undeserved) damage to your reputation that way.