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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to get out of something that I didnt agree to?

999 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/10/2017 15:59

I am very close friends with a group of 5 ladies, known each other since high school.
We all have children ranging from the ages of 1-6.

Friend 1s child started reception this year and has joined the PTA aswell. Friend 2 & 3 already have children at this school. Friend 1 is the only one on the PTA.

Friend 2 has just text me, saying she didnt know I was offering a prize at the christmas fair.

Me: What?
F2: One of the raffle prizes is a colour & cut at KungFus Salon.
Me : Must be an error and mean another salon.

Cue a whatsapp message of friend 3, with a screenshot of the flyer and the message "kept this quiet. Its lovely of you though"

In the flyer it mentions how the school will be grateful for donations etc etc, raffle tickets go on sale after the school holidays for X price. It then goes on to give a "sneak peek" for some prizes up for grabs and sure enough their is my bloody salon 3rd on the list offering a colour and cut.

Text F1 did she sign me up. Yes she did, that was her contribution (?!)
I asked F1 will she be paying for the voucher. She has responded No, she wont be because its for a good cause and the rest of the community has donated bits and bobs.

Now Im stuck.
I didnt agree to any of this and now leaflets have been given out advertising my salon donating one of the prizes.
All the money goes to the school so it is a good cause, but i just see it as my child doesn't attend that school or any school for that matter. This "donation" will leave me anywhere from £30-£45 out of pocket.

Would i look horrendous ringing the school up and explaining what has happened or shall I suck it up and just do it.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 19/10/2017 10:41

Definitely what snork says.
And the pp who said that you should probably let them know that they should contact a business prior to using their name unless they have an actual voucher in hand.

LaughingElliot · 19/10/2017 10:43

Hell our primary school has raised more than £50k since February. Suburban your school needs to get its shit together.

friendlycat · 19/10/2017 10:44

I would just be frank and business like in the phone call and state the facts without all of the emotion involved. Come to a resolution on it that is satisfactory for both you and the PTA.
Then I would tell F1 (via text) a basic summary and state how unhappy you are with her for her actions and mention that she also had the opportunity to make good on her promise but she declined to do so. If there is any "ping pong" texting back I would then ignore it and move on. I doubt whether your friendship is going to survive or be the same for a period of time.

SandyDenny · 19/10/2017 10:46

Each if the friends giving 15 to the OP for the free cut and colour really isn't effective fundraising.

The prize is only worth something to a person who wants their hair coloured and is quite likely to be won by someone who doesn't.

I think people buy raffle tickets regardless of the prize as they don't think they're going to win they just want to be supportive.

If the tickets have already been printed in surely it's easier all round to just put up notices or tell people that the hair cut prize isn't available, I honestly don't think anyone will bat an eyelid

Maplestaple · 19/10/2017 10:47

Your friend has made herself look like a prize plonker!

YoniHuman · 19/10/2017 10:50

I was co-chair of our pta. If this had happened to us we would have apologised profusely to OP. Offered to pay for the advertised prize (hopefully at a discount, but understand why if not). The cost would be added to our expenses, as promotional flyers had already gone out. The friend who claimed it was donated would be politely asked to perhaps put their fundraising endeavours into something else such as sorting out the 2nd hand uniform stall.
Also, my PTA would never have advertised such a prize unless we had it in writing from the company involved, so the PTA chair needs to up her game too.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/10/2017 10:52

Have to admit - an undo would be no good to me as my hair is about an 1/8th long!

If I won a prize like this I would find a use for it though - I have friends who might want it, or could re-donate it to the raffle.

Efnisien · 19/10/2017 10:54

Big fat NO,cheeky cow!

seven201 · 19/10/2017 10:57

Well done for not letting yourself be walked over. Good luck with the phonecall this afternoon. Maybe offer an updo or blow dry as there are a lot of people who wouldn't need an up-do. I've never had one or a blow dry. If you could stretch to a cut and rough dry that would be nice. Must be quite good advertising. F1 is a true CF and I hope she apologises to you.

Willow2017 · 19/10/2017 10:58

Sandy they were paying so the op could offer the voucher and not be out of pocket they didn't want it.

squirrelspatchcock · 19/10/2017 10:58

It seems a bit of a shame as your long standing friendship will almost certainly not survive...if it was someone who I considered an old friend (and wanted to remain friends with), and I was in your shoes I would be more likely to make it clear to her in private that I was cross that she had presumed that I would do it but I wouldn't humiliate her by refusing to do it

I agree with this completely. I would give F1 another chance to come up with a solution together before you speak to the PTA. Yes, she has been cheeky, yes she has been an idiot, and yes she has dealt with it badly since. Of course she shouldn't have done it, but I think she got carried away and then dealt with it badly. However, if she was a good friend of mine I wouldn't want to lose the friendship and publicly humiliate her without giving her another chance.

Holdbacktheriver · 19/10/2017 11:01

I’ve just rtft well done OP for standing your ground! I think you’ve handled this brilliantly.

Agree with pp the PTA should only advertise prizes they physically have in their hands.

AtHomeDadGlos · 19/10/2017 11:03

I wouldn’t set out to drop F1 in it, but at the same time I wouldn’t spare her blushes either.

Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2017 11:04

"Heard nothing from F1. F2&3 didnt see her this morning at school and no they haven't notified F1 what ive done."

Which could suggest that they haven't picked a side.

Offing to pay £15, showed that they wanted a easy end to this so friendships could be preserved.

They aren't going to drop her, they've got too many connections.

You can get soured on by MN Posters, but they don't have to live with the repercussions.

She was exceptionally cheeky not going with the £15 offer, though.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2017 11:04

If she really was a good friend she would have used one of the many opportunities given to make it right without any loss of face.

She didn't.

AnotherLegoBrick · 19/10/2017 11:04

Got to agree with Squirrels - this a friendship over with. Maybe the OP is happy with that or maybe at some point she will wish she had thought about the long term implications, rather than being carried along with the mumsnet enthusiasm to whip up a storm.

Willow2017 · 19/10/2017 11:08

Squirrel
You are a bit late!
Cf has ignored all ops attempts to speak to her until now.
Has declined other friends chipping in to help pay for voucher she expects op just to pay for it herself and claim it as her own donation cos you know Xmas is comming and she cant afford to pay for her own raffle prize so someone else should do it for her.

She doesnt deserve another chance. She still doesnt get why she was wrong in the first place.

didnthappeninmyday · 19/10/2017 11:08

Why should the friendship be over?

Why do people think that the OP shouldn’t fall out with the CF friend but that the CF friend should fall out with the OP because she’s been called out in her cheeky fuckery.

There’s a good chance they could be laughing about this at some point in the future maybe ten years from now?😂

blueskyinmarch · 19/10/2017 11:12

Hopefully PTA lady will sort things out and either 'withdraw' that prize or offer to pay for it out of their profit from the raffle.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 19/10/2017 11:12

This thread rocks. Well done, KungFu

Your handling of this has been awesome. And it's been an amazing read because MN has really proper helped you turn this around. I'm gutted I've found it too late to offer any help, but it's been a fabulous read. MN at it's best, I guess... A pantomime villain (CF). A beautiful princess (OP). Rock-solid side-kicks (Fs 2 and 3). Interesting to see if PTA head is going to be wicked stepmother or fairy godmother.

And a cheer from me for OP's Fs2 and 3 for being so supportive and offering to contribute to salvage the situation (stupid CF for not jumping at that opportunity).

And Grin at Hairzilla!!!

I genuinely hope that this helps you be assertive in the future too, because this is being assertive at it's best - not rude. Straight. but honest.

I bow down before you all. Flowers for everyone

Erinoco · 19/10/2017 11:14

I agree it's very cheeky of her and she needs to know you're not happy about it, but if it is too late to pull out, another way of looking at it is that it could lead to a new client in your salon with repeat business?

BitOutOfPractice · 19/10/2017 11:15

I have to say that while F1 is most definitely a CF, I think you have rather been egged on by this thread to take an unnecessarily nuclear option. Especially CCing the HT. I think that was actually a bit spiteful. Sorry but I think you could have sorted this much more amicably for everyone.

SecretSmellies · 19/10/2017 11:15

Good heavens! Good on your Kung Fu for standing your ground.

FWIW, we had someone 'donate' an hour long hack at their local riding stables once. Shame the stables knew nothing about it.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 19/10/2017 11:16

What is it about a CF thread that has us all bouncing in our seats and reaching for popcorn? This one really is a corker...I am on pins here to see what the PTA lady has to say. Roll on lunchtime... GrinBrewCake

MadMags · 19/10/2017 11:20

I don't think so, Bit.

OP has a business reputation to maintain and making everyone aware that she's not at fault is a good way to ensure the school do damage control.