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Original poster

How to get out of something that I didnt agree to?

999 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/10/2017 15:59

I am very close friends with a group of 5 ladies, known each other since high school.
We all have children ranging from the ages of 1-6.

Friend 1s child started reception this year and has joined the PTA aswell. Friend 2 & 3 already have children at this school. Friend 1 is the only one on the PTA.

Friend 2 has just text me, saying she didnt know I was offering a prize at the christmas fair.

Me: What?
F2: One of the raffle prizes is a colour & cut at KungFus Salon.
Me : Must be an error and mean another salon.

Cue a whatsapp message of friend 3, with a screenshot of the flyer and the message "kept this quiet. Its lovely of you though"

In the flyer it mentions how the school will be grateful for donations etc etc, raffle tickets go on sale after the school holidays for X price. It then goes on to give a "sneak peek" for some prizes up for grabs and sure enough their is my bloody salon 3rd on the list offering a colour and cut.

Text F1 did she sign me up. Yes she did, that was her contribution (?!)
I asked F1 will she be paying for the voucher. She has responded No, she wont be because its for a good cause and the rest of the community has donated bits and bobs.

Now Im stuck.
I didnt agree to any of this and now leaflets have been given out advertising my salon donating one of the prizes.
All the money goes to the school so it is a good cause, but i just see it as my child doesn't attend that school or any school for that matter. This "donation" will leave me anywhere from £30-£45 out of pocket.

Would i look horrendous ringing the school up and explaining what has happened or shall I suck it up and just do it.

OP posts:
Rubberduckies · 19/10/2017 08:31

Was it a text or Facebook to PTA lady? She might not see Facebook if she’s not a friend.

chocatoo · 19/10/2017 08:33

Playing devil's advocate: Maybe she thought that you were the kind of long standing friend who would say 'yeah, go on then, but you'll owe me big time when you need a favour the other way round'. (You say in your OP that you are v close and have known each other for years).

She was cheeky to offer it before asking you. I think the key question is would you have said yes if she had asked you before making the offer to the PTA? - her actions suggest that her perception of your friendship was that she felt confident that you would support what in her mind is the good cause with which she is involved.

It seems a bit of a shame as your long standing friendship will almost certainly not survive...if it was someone who I considered an old
friend (and wanted to remain friends with), and I was in your shoes I would be more likely to make it clear to her in private that I was cross that she had presumed that I would do it but I wouldn't humiliate her by refusing to do it. (And it is a good cause...and good publicity).

Just looking at it from another point of view...

RandomDreams · 19/10/2017 08:34

If the message was sent via Facebook then the PTA woman should get a message request notification at least, either way she should know that OP has messaged her.

StealthPolarBear · 19/10/2017 08:38

But you tried to contact her - repeatedly!

Appuskidu · 19/10/2017 08:38

I would ring the school today.

How well do you know this cheeky friend? You have you known her for years (since school?) but she's never done anything even remotely piss taking, is that right? Is this 100% totally out of character ?

Bumblesbees · 19/10/2017 08:41

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It's a cheap bit of advertising for you at the end of the day. Better for her to have checked, but hardly worth ending your friendships.

2014newme · 19/10/2017 08:42

HTs do not get involved in pta raffle prize issues. Regardless though, the op has emailed the HT and I can see why as she wants school to know the situation. but those if you suggesting she also calls the HT that is overkill!

TheMaddHugger · 19/10/2017 08:43

chocatoo Thu 19-Oct-17 08:33:48
Playing devil's advocate: Maybe she thought that you were the kind of long standing friend who would say 'yeah, go on then, but you'll owe me big time when you need a favour the other way round'. (You say in your OP that you are v close and have known each other for years).

🤷Yes but I wouldn't have dropped my friend in the deep end vollentolding her without speaking to her first.

Willow2017 · 19/10/2017 08:44

Isthis
Its not quite as simple as that though is it?

Ops salon is on all the flyers handed out so its her business nane at stake.

What if she hadnt known until someone rocked up at her salon or school had contacted her about prize winner?

She needs to make it clear she was not asked if she wanted to donate anything. And pta need to make it clear why the prize is withdrawn.

Willow2017 · 19/10/2017 08:47

CF is so dense she doesnt even realise what she has done. All she is bothered about is looking good in front of pta doesn't seem to have occured to her its a lot of money for op at this time pf year too.

What a cheek conplaining about someone ignoring her after she ignored op.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 08:48

2014newme

The HT in my children's school definitely did get involved in the business of the PTA. She came to all the meetings and ran a stall at every Christmas and summer fair.

The PTA raised money for her school. Of course she wanted a good relationship with them and to help out wherever she could.

midnightmisssuki · 19/10/2017 08:51

chocatoo

No close friend would do that you - i think it shoes OP 'friend' doesnt know her that well afterall, to think this was ok. It putting someone out o pocket - right before christmas too.

2014newme · 19/10/2017 08:52

Our HT supports the pta of course but she doesn't attend meetings or get involving raffle prizes. They raise £25k per year so they seem able to manage a raffle ok.

T00much · 19/10/2017 08:52

Unbelievable. Well done OP I wish I was brave enough to do that!

treaclesoda · 19/10/2017 08:52

HT at my kids school is involved in the PTA too. She would be furious with the PTA member if this happened at our school, it just looks so bad for the school

2014newme · 19/10/2017 08:53

Why are people saying £45 fir the raffle prize a cut and colour is usually £100 minimum and we aren't in a city

Willow2017 · 19/10/2017 08:55

Choco

She told pta that HER donation was a voucher from ops salon. Therefore she should have paid for it. She refused then refused to even pay £15 towards it.
The school is nothing to do with op why should she fork out £50 worth of goods plus her time on someone elses say so? Without even being cinsulted. Cf has form fir arranging 'deals' for others i bet its at someone elses expense too.

Not all self employed people make so much money as to be able to give it away on someone elses whim.

strugglingtodomybest · 19/10/2017 08:58

I felt a little bit sorry for your friend at first, trying to make a good impression at a new school, but her texts to you soon dissolved my pity. She still thinks she's done nothing wrong doesn't she? Unbelievable!

HotelEuphoria · 19/10/2017 08:58

The £45 was a suggested amount by the OP that she would be out of pocket by.

I would imagine this is based on the cost of materials and the couple of hours labour to do the job.

She wont be taking into account all her other overheads such as running the salon and any other staff wages.

2014newme · 19/10/2017 08:59

Ah OK that makes sense

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 09:03

They raise £25k per year so they seem able to manage a raffle ok.

Different schools do things differently, I guess.

Our HT's stall at the Christmas and summer fairs was always a huge hit with the children. They loved seeing her being such an important part of the school community.

She attended meetings so that she could be part of planning any activities where permission would be needed and arrangements made, such as opening the school at the weekend and paying the caretaker to work extra hours, rather than the PTA having to discuss those issues in a separate meeting with her.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 09:04

£25k a year?

Hmm
FruitCider · 19/10/2017 09:07

Well done OP! I think you’ve remained remarkably calm - I would have lost my shit if someone did that to me!

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 19/10/2017 09:09

I am the kind of person who doesnt mind doing favours for hair. Like F1,2,3 depending on what they have done ive done it at an extremley low cost or free. Theyve always returned the favour in kind like bringing round wine/flowers/chocolates paying for my meal if we go out, that kind of thing.

F1 just presumed because i do favours like that, that she could just extend my kindness too impress her PTA group. If she would have asked I would have donated something - just not something that would leave me at a loss. Suppose I should be grateful she didnt offer extensions!

F2 & F3 have spoke to PTA lady and told her Ive sent a facebook message and could she respond. So hopefully hear back soon!

OP posts:
2014newme · 19/10/2017 09:10

Yes £25k a year. That's juniors and infants combined.
It's a big school with 800 pupils