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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flatmate said my Halloween decorations are offensive

430 replies

QuestionableMouse · 18/10/2017 13:57

They're a string of Halloween paper chains hanging on the outside of my bedroom door. She said they're offensive and she doesn't like them.

I really love Halloween and they make me smile when I come in. I have more hanging in my room too.

Who is being unreasonable?

Flatmate said my Halloween decorations are offensive
OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Mrmisophonia · 20/10/2017 14:42

Halloween is originally a Celtic not Pagan
No one should be offended by harmless paper decorations !

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/10/2017 14:49

It's not recent Bertrand. We've been able to buy Halloween crap for about 30 years in the UK.

Granted, that's seen an explosion in the last ten years but it's not recent.

You don't need to buy the shit...I don't but we still celebrate. We make decorations and costumes ourselves.

Nobody is forced to buy the stuff.

Hissy · 20/10/2017 14:50

We ARE going to need to see a diagram of the layout of the flat..

and absolutely don't take them down before talking to her - I am willing to bet that the Jesus song in the shower was a veiled commentary.

If I were you I'd be minded to celebrate absolutely every festival known to mankind on any and every occasion.

Holldstock1 · 20/10/2017 15:35

I'm one of those Christians who don't personally celebrate Halloween as you see it done in the US or as its taken off in most of the UK. I do some years go to an All Souls Service which is held at our church, which is for remembering those who have died. And having lost members of my family and friends over the years, I do sometimes go to that and pray for them.

The type of Halloween that is mostly celebrated now doesn't have anything to do with All Souls, but is linked to the old pre Christian Celtic religions, so I just don't celebrate that, and my children have been brought up not celebrating it. I know some Christians do go along with it, but we personally don't.

When I was growing up in Scotland (a long time ago!), I do remember All Hallow's Eve parties for the kids with dunking for apples, and some pumpkin carving and candles. In our village where it was done the pumpkin lanterns were put out to ward off witches and evil. I don't remember it being such a big thing back then with dressing up and there was no trick or treating etc the way it is now.

I don't celebrate Halloween for a number of reasons. I don't like the way the Trick or Treat thing has escalated in recent years. I work with elderly people, and know alot of them who live alone are pretty scared at this time of the year and just do not come to the door after dark. While alot of parents are very responsible escorting their children and only going to pre-arranged houses, its also not unknown for older children and teenagers to go out in groups by themselves and tend to do more Trick than Treat.

From a more personal point of view to me it feels to be a pagan festival so as a Christian I would feel uncomfortable doing that myself. Also having grown up in Scotland with the whole thing of pumpkin lights warding off witches and dunking for apples, well that just makes me think of the whole persecution of the Witch Hunting era and all the poor women and girls who died by either being burnt at the stake or thrown or ducked in ponds to see if they would sink or float. So to me personally, I would feel almost as if I were besmirching their memory by celebrating something, that when I was growing up, was based on the persecution and murder of others.

But, I realise that alot of people don't see it that way and view it as harmless fun. If people want to celebrate Halloween, I think that's perfectly fine, and I have no problem with them doing so nor would I be offended by that. In the same way I wouldn't have any problem with a Hindu celebrating Diwali, a Muslim celebrating Eid, a belief in crystal healing or an Atheist saying God doesn't exist. I would support and protest their right to practice what they believe. I just wouldn't be joining in with it myself.

I would hope that other people would understand that and not mock or belittle me for my personal beliefs, in the same way I would not mock or belittle them for theirs. So I wouldn't have any problem sharing a flat with OP's decorations. They are her decorations and yes they are on the outside of her door, but to me its her door and her right to put on it what she wants.

I do think that if its a house or flat share you need to take into account what other people think, and sometimes that means compromise. So for Christmas decorations etc like a tree - it has to be a case of everyone agreeing with what can and can't be done in the shared space.

I would suggest the OP drops her a note inviting her to have a talk over coffee where they can listen to each other and resolve it amicably.

Could I just point out one last thing to think about. Whenever Christians in particular, say anything, there are alot of people who instantly jump on the band wagon to belittle and mock them, and I would politely ask those who have expressed some of those sentiments to consider what I'm saying. There is a big move in the wider secular culture that expressions of religious belief should be confined to places of worship or kept privately at home. Christians (and possibly other faiths but I can only express about my own) are constantly being belittled, pressurized and told that 'Society has moved on, there's no place for your beliefs in public, keep it at home etc etc and not to comment on things where you might offend someone else by having a religious view on it.' It can feel as though its a constant persecution and pressure to suppress your beliefs and who you are as a person.

I'm mentioning this because the flat to the OP's flatmate, is her home and her private space. If the OP's flatmate is not even allowed to have any thoughts or expressions of belief at home then where is she?? And what does that say about us as a society?

I realise that the flat is a shared space, a shared home so its a slightly different scenario, but that's why the best way to solve any problems is to talk about them, get an understanding of how each person feels and reach a compromise.

RhiannonOHara · 20/10/2017 15:47

Holld, I think that's an excellent post.

Dustbunny1900 · 20/10/2017 16:07

Holld, I think the problem is (ime, and I was raised very religious so maybe I have definitely have some issues w it) that not all religious people are as level-headed or tolerant of others as you seem to be. They believe this society is basically a Christian one and we all need to fit in and do away with anything they don't celebrate, but shut our mouths when it comes to their beliefs/traditions/holidays. It's on the OPs door. People should be free to celebrate traditions and holidays the way they like. If christians want tolerance, can they give a little themselves? I agree that it feels shitty to be told there's no Room for your beliefs or traditions and to keep them hidden , as you've mentioned. That's what's happening here. It's the OPs home too.

I'd maybe understand if this was some satanic or gruesome thing, or something making fun of her religion..but it's paper pumpkins. This is clearly a power play. Just like animals who try and bully the newcomer to see where they fall on the pecking order.

magdalyn · 20/10/2017 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Goldenbug · 20/10/2017 16:20

Will he have sex with goats for money Magdalyn? That's the service I really need. So 617 402 2260 for goat sex. I'll spread the word.

isernamesarerubbish · 20/10/2017 16:44

Not read all the posts so apologies if this has been raised, but what will flatmate do in the real world of work when all sorts of celebrations generate decorations on desks/cubicles/lockers etc?

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 20/10/2017 16:48

Since when did Catholics object to Halloween? I was brought a Catholic, Halloween was a big thing my family, an evening of spooky stories, and when I got older, horror films.
And I went to Catholics schools - a convent at primary level, complete with nuns - we had parties for it every year and made decorations. Some Catholics might not like it, but that's a personal preference, not something laid down in church law.

Abbylee · 20/10/2017 16:51

Some (not me) people enjoy Halloween bc it is one holiday without extended family obligations. Mostly just parents and offspring living at home or friends.

I'm late getting the village up, but envision tiny skeletons walking bats, witches and mummies merry go rounds, spooky trees lights, even a witches' brewery.

Abbylee · 20/10/2017 16:54

...oh! And a battered Christian church and tombstones.

GeorgeTheHamster · 20/10/2017 18:32

But how on earth are you sharing a flat with one other person that you have never even spoken to? I don't think the problem here is the Halloween paper chain to be honest.

RedBullBlood · 20/10/2017 19:26

Why do I think you don't like her? Well, that would be because of your other threads complaining about her, including being annoyed with her for letting herself into her own flat with her own key without knocking first and having a friend over who had children who managed to scream all day...
You live in a shared space, you need to talk. (And ignore all those fucking ridiculous 'oh I'd fill the entire flat with hallowe'en shit' suggestions). You're getting yourself locked into a passive aggressive war with each other, great for entertaining MN with, but surely very unpleasant to actually live with.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/10/2017 19:43

Oh I assumed it was halls of residence. It's only you two? The atmosphere in the shared kitchen must be unbearable!

I agree with George you're going to have to find a way to get along or be amicable for your own sanity. The tension must be horrific.

gingerh4ir · 20/10/2017 20:21

I would not take it down. it is an eye sore but not offensive as such at all. if she is offended because her religion then it is really her problem. she cannot expect others to life according to her religious outlook.
You haven't said anything offensive,not done anything offensive. you have just put up ugly Halloween themed paper chain.

how any reasonable adult can be offended by such a thing is really beyond me.

keep it up and add the note paper to it.

QuestionableMouse · 20/10/2017 22:55

I'm not doing anything to her. I've tried to make conversation when we cross paths but she's not interested. As for her letting herself into the flat, yes I believe she should have knocked THE FIRST TIME. You try having someone walk in without you expecting or knowing they're going to and you see how you feel. I also don't think it's unreasonable to not expect children in a uni flat.

But honestly, I vent on here. In real life I'm polite and pleasant to her but get nothing back. I'm going to remove the decorations when I go back on Sunday because it'll keep the peace.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/10/2017 23:00

That sounds difficult Mouse. Whatever the issue, posting notes under your door makes for a horrible atmosphere. It's childish really.

All you can do is keep it civil I suppose. Would she be up for cooking a meal or getting a take away together just to bond a bit? I'd find it really stressful to be tip toeing about with doors shut all the time.
You've got to clear the air somehow.

QuestionableMouse · 20/10/2017 23:03

I suggested a meal but she wasn't interested.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/10/2017 23:26

Was that because you suggested Pumpkin Pie? Grin

Sorry, she sounds less flat mate more hostile flat stranger. Maybe give up and just aim for being aloof but civil.

pinkyredrose · 20/10/2017 23:28

YABVU about her having to knock the first time she let herself into her new home, who the fuck would do that? !

YANBU about the screaming kids and the decorations.

QuestionableMouse · 21/10/2017 00:03

Pinky, I ended up scalding myself with a cup of tea because she just suddenly appeared in the lounge behind me. As far as I knew, I was going to be on my own in the flat and literally had no warning or idea she was coming in. If I'd have been walking into a flat where I knew someone was already living, I'd have knocked on the door before I walked in to give them some warning (let's just say I learned that lesson the hard was in shared accommodation. I saw much more of my flat mate and her boyfriend than I ever wanted to see!)

I'd never expect her to knock after that but mutual warning is good when you don't know what you're walking into Grin

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 21/10/2017 00:24

I'm going to remove the decorations when I go back on Sunday because it'll keep the peace.

May as well buy a doormat with your name on.....so she can wipe her feet on you Hmm

CasanovaFrankenstein · 21/10/2017 14:07

If someone was already in situ when I moved in I'd knock, unless I'd previously said that I'd be arriving at a particular time. That would be courtesy. I presume you are meaning that was her first arrival.

RhiannonOHara · 21/10/2017 14:46

I'm going to remove the decorations when I go back on Sunday because it'll keep the peace.

May as well buy a doormat with your name on.....so she can wipe her feet on you

I agree with this. Woman up, OP.