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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to worry about "all night' aspect of 16th party?

78 replies

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 08:01

Oh dear it's finally happened DS 15 years (nearly 16) has been invited to a proper 16th Birthday party... (this is not the problem – i want him to have a social life!).
But the info I have been given so far is:
It's a girl's party called x. She lives in a village fairly near where we live... but a good 20 minutes drive away... Apparently her Mum is 'definitely' going to be there... And four of his male mates have also been invited.
So at this point I'm just thinking about 'what the alcohol situation' would be, and logistics. So I say 'okay' but I would need a definite pick-up time and alcohol discussion. He then says that they are all staying over. Apparently she is having tents put up in her garden.
I expressed concern immediately and then son closed down saying I wish I hadn.t told you – I should have just dropped it on you nearer the time...
After much thought (most of the night!!) I am wondering if IABU to think that as a newbie to any type of party an all night situation is just way to risky for this age group. Also if the mother is offering this AIBU to think that she is irresponsible to think that she can look after the wellfare of so many 15/16 year olds who are very likely to have been drinking?
I barely know the friends he has ben invited with let alone anyone else who may be going... ie no one to call and have a chat. Help!

OP posts:

AlexanderHamilton · 18/10/2017 08:05

Why would they be drinking? Has the girl said her mother will be allowing alcohol. Me didn't allow any at dd's 16th.

WhatwouldAryado · 18/10/2017 08:08

Why do you assume they would they be drinking? Has your DS form for drinking at parties? Also why is this a "proper" party to your mind? Because of alcohol?

TheSnowFairy · 18/10/2017 08:09

There is no way I would let DS (15) go to an all nighter party.

Too young, you don't know the parents, alcohol and mixed sexes - just no.

(But then my DS says I am strict - am sure it is not just me!)

gabsdot · 18/10/2017 08:27

House parties get a no no from me. Mixed sleep overs get a Hell no

Trills · 18/10/2017 08:31

I went to mixed sleepovers in my mid-teens and we were terribly well-behaved and even hoovered up the popcorn that we'd spilled on the floor in the morning.

It really depends on what your DS and his friends are like.

EllaHen · 18/10/2017 08:33

No way. Of course there will be alcohol. And sex. And perhaps drugs.

I repeat - no way.

MrsC2000 · 18/10/2017 08:40

There's no way I would allow this, I think 16 is too young for this kind of party.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/10/2017 08:47

Doesn’t it depend on how responsible your son is?
Lots of families I know have parties like this if they live in rural areas.
I would be alright about this for my 15 almost 16 year old DS.
I would have been more uneasy about my older DS if there was a potential for unsupervised alcohol .

PinkFlamingo888 · 18/10/2017 08:47

If you don’t allow him to go, next time he will be ‘staying round a friends house’. He’s told you about it honestly so I think you should let him go. At 16 these sorts of parties and good for them and yes there may be a bit of alcohol but in 2 years time you’ll have no control over that whatsoever so let him have a taste now in a more controlled environment.

Original poster

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 08:52

Thanks everyone, glad that most of the thinking is backing-up my gut reaction... My DS has not experienced a 'party' for this age group. He has not really drank alcohol at all. I do actually trust him as he is fairly cautious. But I do know from what he has told me about his peer group (especially the girls)... there are some drugs on the scene (pils and some weird cough mixture thing)... Weed... etc... And I am assuming because of the age group there will be alcohol there... ???although you would hope very restricted. But as we know – even if it's not there there will be kids who bring it in... And I literally have no idea who this girl is – let alone who her parents are... so the whole thing would be on the basis of trust...

OP posts:

category12 · 18/10/2017 08:54

Bit cold for tents innit? But I would let him go. It's only 20 mins away, he's 15, his mates are going.

Ifailed · 18/10/2017 08:55

He's been honest and trusting to you, why not reciprocate?

TefalTester123 · 18/10/2017 08:58

My son’s school had a session from the Alcohol Education Trust. They stress the importance of contacting the parents of the party holder. See their website too for more advice.

Waitingonasmile · 18/10/2017 09:00

I would let him go as a trial to this party. If you don't he will just start lying to you and then you have no idea where he's going.

WhatwouldAryado · 18/10/2017 09:01

Maybe collect him at midnight? Wouldn't be the only one. You don't have to be obvious about It, meet round the corner or such.

Original poster

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 09:02

It's such a dilemma – as I don't want him to feel that he will need to lie in the future to be able to go to a similar thing... But I'm just unhappy about the all-night aspect... what about a 1.00 am pick up? Surely that's a compromise for a first party... I think the Mum must be mad – she will be the adult responsible for a lot of minors that she has never met before... arghhh... it's tricky...

OP posts:

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 18/10/2017 09:03

Sounds like he's been really honest and upfront with you, depends on how much you trust him? When I was 15/16 I didn't tell my parents anything about what I was doing and going to all night (or 3 day!) parties and clubbing. Never would have told them about parties precisely because I planned to drink/take drugs.

He sounds a lot more sensible and if you have an open and communicative relationship and he's already told you load of details about the party then I'd be inclined to trust him. I had friends with really strict parents who went absolutely wild when then turned 18 and went off to uni (I'd started to tone it down by then and was able to concentrate on my degree!)

chaplin1409 · 18/10/2017 09:06

Why do you assume alcohol will be involved. I have ever dd16 and ds15 and they have had friends over all night all in one room boys and girls and not once have they asked for alcohol.

Original poster

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 09:06

WhatwouldAryado – your suggestion was just what I was thinking... a clandestine pick-up... and he could say that he has to be up early for 'something' the next day...? I'm sure he is going to be massively disappointed – he thinks i'm over protective as it is! I really appreciate all of your comments though because you have made me realise that there are many ways to handle this... I'm going to sleep on it for a few days... thank you all x

OP posts:

welshweasel · 18/10/2017 09:07

My DSD has just turned 16. She's honest, too honest if you ask me, as the stuff she tells us mean that she doesn't get as much freedom any more!! There will be alcohol, often vodka which I find more concerning than beer/wine, weed and probablynother drugs. There will be sex. She gets to go parties but we don't let her sleep over, that way if she's had too much to drink we know about it.

FlakeBook · 18/10/2017 09:09

Why would a 1am pick up make it safer?
I do think that saying no would be unreasonable at 15 nearly 16. In 2-3 years he will be let loose at University and out all night without supervision, you won't even know where and when he is going.
This is the time to be teaching him how to stay safe in these situations and how to handle himself. He needs to be able to trust that he can tell you if he gets into a situation he can't handle without thinking his privileges will be withdrawn. And socially he will be left out if he can't go. The others will bond over the experience and he will be left out.

The 1am til morning part is surely the safest part? What is going to happen in that time that won't happen in the evening?

Aureservoir · 18/10/2017 09:14

A difficult one. My older ones did go to such things, but I didn't have to worry too much as they are pretty sensible. However, I wouldn't let my youngest (now 14) go to any such thing until she's about 35, as there's no way I would trust her or her friends not to be doing all the things I would not want them to do. So perhaps think about your DS, and what he is likely to do or not do? Or say he can go, but devise with him a way he can alert you if he wants to leave early (in such a way that he doesn't lose face in front of his friends)? A friend of mine let her DD go to a similar party at 16; her DD had been desperate to go, but rang her at midnight from the depths of her friend's garden to ask if she could come home because she wasn't enjoying it...

Trethew · 18/10/2017 09:14

Speak to the mother. Find out from her what the arrangements are before making your decision, if indeed she knows anything about it

mindutopia · 18/10/2017 09:17

Would it help to talk to the mum and get a feel for the situation? I suspect at 15, there is likely to be some alcohol, yes, likely somewhat clandestinely. I very much doubt it's going to be a raging house party, unless the girls' parents won't be there (but if you check with them then you know).

To be fair, when I was 15, I had a 21 year old boyfriend (who was a bartender) and I used to go stay with him for school holidays (a week or two at a time, up to 3 weeks in the summer). I did drink some on occasion (but never drunk, actually I was never drunk until I was 21), and we dated for 3 years before we had sex. So unless you know your son is the type to get up to something, I wouldn't assume that just because he's spending the night away that he's likely to get in trouble. Now I would probably never let my daughter have the sort of freedom I did, probably purely because I would worry that other people would judge me for it more than anything, but I wouldn't necessarily think she was doing anything too crazy either as I know I was pretty responsible at that age.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/10/2017 09:18

Your DS is sixteen, and sounds responsible to me, he's been honest with you. I would let him go for the night, but I would want to know the address of where he is going, and I'd do a secret drive by, before he goes there.
Tell him, that should he wish to come home at any time, to call you, as you and I both know, you'll be on stand by anyway ! 😄

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