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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to worry about "all night' aspect of 16th party?

78 replies

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 08:01

Oh dear it's finally happened DS 15 years (nearly 16) has been invited to a proper 16th Birthday party... (this is not the problem – i want him to have a social life!).
But the info I have been given so far is:
It's a girl's party called x. She lives in a village fairly near where we live... but a good 20 minutes drive away... Apparently her Mum is 'definitely' going to be there... And four of his male mates have also been invited.
So at this point I'm just thinking about 'what the alcohol situation' would be, and logistics. So I say 'okay' but I would need a definite pick-up time and alcohol discussion. He then says that they are all staying over. Apparently she is having tents put up in her garden.
I expressed concern immediately and then son closed down saying I wish I hadn.t told you – I should have just dropped it on you nearer the time...
After much thought (most of the night!!) I am wondering if IABU to think that as a newbie to any type of party an all night situation is just way to risky for this age group. Also if the mother is offering this AIBU to think that she is irresponsible to think that she can look after the wellfare of so many 15/16 year olds who are very likely to have been drinking?
I barely know the friends he has ben invited with let alone anyone else who may be going... ie no one to call and have a chat. Help!

OP posts:

littlemissglittersparkles · 18/10/2017 09:19

When we lived in the city would have been a resounding 'fuck no'
Now we live in a rural area it's very common we have let teen DD attend parties like this at 15/16 - never any issues, she's not pregnant or had alcohol poisoning and parents were always nearby

Pythonesque · 18/10/2017 09:23

Agree these probably need to be a no unless you have spoken to one of the parents who will be there and are happy with arrangements after that. Equally they then know that you are willing to be called on to pick up if problems occur.

Motheroffourdragons · 18/10/2017 09:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 09:27

Depends on the mum in this situation. There seems to be a LOT of parents who just let the kids get on with it and go out for the evening which is a worry.

I would let ds go to an all nighter as I know his mates and their parents and he's already proved I can trust him not to come home plastered as he's been to a few parties already.

First party for a sleep over- hell no.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 09:28

**parents not just mum obviously

Angelicinnocent · 18/10/2017 09:28

You need to loosen the reins a bit or he will just start lying. A midnight/1am pick-up really isn't a great compromise, he'll just end up teased for being the baby of the group who's mummy makes him go home.

Have a conversation with him, tell him you are worried but you are going to trust him to be sensible. Talk about the dangers of alcohol and set him a limit, talk about the dangers of drugs and give him some jokey phrases to use for refusing, get him to work out a why he needs to go home scenario and arrange a codeword he can text you if he is uncomfortable or just wants to leave.

Then stress lots that you are glad he was honest about the party and it proves you can trust him, stress again that you aren't really comfortable but you are trusting him, keep pointing out that you are trusting him and finally set out some consequences for if he drinks too much etc.

Oly5 · 18/10/2017 09:29

I think you should let him go otherwise next time he will just lie to you! I think you need to sit him down and have a thorough chat about drugs, alcohol and sex. If you trust him to be responsible with all these things then let him go.
When I was 15 I would lie to my parents, and regularly went to sleepovers with drink pretending I was just with one female friend... it's far better that your son is being honest with you. Tell him you will let him go but you are absolutely trusting him to do the right thing, not get drunk and not get anyone pregnant! 15, almost 16 is not that young. In a few years he will be at uni and you'll have no clue what he's doing

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/10/2017 09:36

I think let him go but only because he is being honest with you. I would have lied to my parents at that age and just said I was staying at a girl mates house. It shows respect that he has told you and you should show him some trust in return.

RockinHippy · 18/10/2017 09:39

Crikey there are some naive posters in this thread 😐

The party girls parents might not be okaying it, but amongst a group of kids that age there will definitely be alcohol & more likely drugs smuggled in too. It happens quite a bit younger than 16 & given that drugs are easier for a teen to get hold of than alcohol, that’s often the bigger problem these days. I know of 14 yo getting drinks spiked with MDMA at similar sounding parties & it never fails to amaze me how many kids are allowed to just go

No way in hell would I allow an all nighter at this age & I wouldn’t be sneakily picking him up either but making a show of it to check out his friends in this situation & lots of warning talks. I also don’t let mine go to any party where I don’t get to speak to the hosts parents first, this soon sorts out the parties at the more irresponsible parents houses, as DD then doesn’t want to go. I’ve refused to let SAMe age DD go to the parties at all where her friends drink was spiked as they are never supervised & frequent. I was pleased to see that when we had a sleepover party here though, that most of her friends parents insisted on speaking to me first, so whatever your DS says, you won’t be alone

Afreshstartplease · 18/10/2017 09:41

Knowing what i was like at 15/16 i dread ny dc reaching these points!

GrumpyOldBag · 18/10/2017 09:41

My DS is 15, nearly 16. Goes to quite a lot of parties. There is always alcohol. Even if the parents reassure you in advance it will be strictly limited, it never is.

In your situation I would contact the Mum of the girl hosting to check the arrangements with her are as your DS says they will be. You'll then get a sense of how well they will be supervised.

If you aren't comfortable, let him go but insist on picking him up yourself from the party at, say, 12. You could also offer to let a couple of his male mates sleepover at your house. They might prefer that to a freezing cold tent in October. And your DS won't be the only one leaving the party.

Maybe also call the Mums of his male mates, even if you don't know them - they could be thinking the same as you. Sometimes parents have to put up a united front.

GrumpyOldBag · 18/10/2017 09:45

I'm in a similar situation myself. My rules for DS going to parties are pretty much as I've outlined above. Yesterday he told me he's been invited to a school friend's 18th (same sports team)! And it's on a weeknight, but it's OK because he can sleep over and there'll be one other boy from his year there.

There's no way I'm letting him stay over for that one.

heron98 · 18/10/2017 09:46

I would be fine with this. I think you're being a little strict.

BertieBotts · 18/10/2017 09:49

Would it be an option to call the mum who's supposedly chaperoning and ask what the plans are? Or is that terribly naive - I don't yet have teens, just wondering why nobody else has mentioned this.

Rainatnight · 18/10/2017 09:50

Hm, I don't like the sound of him saying 'I wish I'd just dropped it on you closer to the time'. He needs to know that he needs to keep on being honest and open with you.

TorNayDoh · 18/10/2017 09:51

Let him go. The main thing is trying to equip him to make sensible decisions and understand the implications/possible consequences. It will be humiliating if his mum won't let him go/picks him up early, and it tells him you don't trust him (and if you don't trust him anyway, where's the incentive to act in a way worthy of that trust?)

I might sit down with him and go through the dangers of unregulated drugs (you don't know what's in it, how strong it is, does he know what to do if someone has a bad reaction?) plus make sure he knows things like how to put someone in the recovery position if they pass out from alcohol. Maybe ask him what he would do if his friends were pressurising him into drinking more or whatever, so he can practice a response/plan what to do in advance. Ask him if there is anything he's worried about relating to the party, and talk that through.

You could potentially agree a code word he can text you if he gets in over his head, you can then phone him back with an "emergency" if he feels things are happening he's not comfortable with and he needs a get-out clause.

GrumpyOldBag · 18/10/2017 09:52

BertieBotts that's exactly what I suggested.

Let me reiterate - there will be alcohol, there will be some kids who can't handle it and are vomiting all over the place. I see this at every teenage party I've picked up from. There will be lots of snogging, there might be sex.

No drugs in my ds's circle of friends though.

GrumpyOldBag · 18/10/2017 09:53

Lots of conflicting advice here.

I think the main thing OP is you are the only person who knows how much you can trust your DS to be sensible and not give in to peer pressure.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 18/10/2017 09:59

House parties and "bending the truth" from my parents defined my teenage years and arguably expanded my problem solving abilities. A weekend was not a weekend unless you were dying in a field from a vodka/sheridans/tia Maria/boddingtons/whatever your parents had in the cupboard to take hangover, having told your parents you were staying at a friend's.

Let him go, he is 16 years old - he needs hardening up before freshers week ffs.

BertieBotts · 18/10/2017 10:01

Oh sorry - so you did :o

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 10:04

Tbh it's drugs I'm more concerned about now and anyone who says there's none around in their group of friends is woefully naieve. Maybe not in their close group but there will be someone with drugs at a party that big. If you're not doing so already you need to really talk through the dangers with your ds.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 18/10/2017 10:04

We had tents - I came home from work and found Glastonbury in the back garden A mix of ages - supposedly 16 - 18, only one got sick and DS made him scrub it up I was pretty much horrified to find one of the girls was 14 and upon probing (where the hell did her mother think she was etc) the reply was 'oh its your house so she knows I'm safe' - never met the child or the mother in my life!

If you are worried about sex and drugs and alcohol, if your child is inclinded that way, he'll be doing it in his bedroom, over the park and in the dark corners of the school playground.

Migraleve · 18/10/2017 10:05

As soon as you mentioned drugs it was a no from me.

I would not want my kids to think I condone drug use of any kind. No way.

Sorry. I’m not against mixed parties or even sleepovers; but drugs, not In any shape or form. I would even go so far as to contact the host parents and make sure they are aware.

PoppyH56 · 18/10/2017 10:05

I’m 23 now and this was all going on when I was 16. My mum refused me to go to a mixed house party once so the next time I lied and told her I was staying over at my friends. Now I’m a mother in hindsight I think if my daughter asked to go to a mixed house party I would just speak to her about the dangers of alcohol, sex and drinking. I’ll be honest though, I thought we were pretty bad when we were 16 drinking WKD and having the occasional song but I’ve heard teens these days are doing hardcore drugs (think MDMA, Ket etc) at the age of 16 and are drinking spirits by the bucket load so I would be wary.

Migraleve · 18/10/2017 10:07

Let him go, he is 16 years old - he needs hardening up before freshers week ffs.

He is 15 and he needs to live to see freshers week ffs.

The amount of kids that die or become severely disabled or drug dependent is unreal. Why would anyone knowingly put their child into that situation

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