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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to worry about "all night' aspect of 16th party?

78 replies

themiddlebit · 18/10/2017 08:01

Oh dear it's finally happened DS 15 years (nearly 16) has been invited to a proper 16th Birthday party... (this is not the problem – i want him to have a social life!).
But the info I have been given so far is:
It's a girl's party called x. She lives in a village fairly near where we live... but a good 20 minutes drive away... Apparently her Mum is 'definitely' going to be there... And four of his male mates have also been invited.
So at this point I'm just thinking about 'what the alcohol situation' would be, and logistics. So I say 'okay' but I would need a definite pick-up time and alcohol discussion. He then says that they are all staying over. Apparently she is having tents put up in her garden.
I expressed concern immediately and then son closed down saying I wish I hadn.t told you – I should have just dropped it on you nearer the time...
After much thought (most of the night!!) I am wondering if IABU to think that as a newbie to any type of party an all night situation is just way to risky for this age group. Also if the mother is offering this AIBU to think that she is irresponsible to think that she can look after the wellfare of so many 15/16 year olds who are very likely to have been drinking?
I barely know the friends he has ben invited with let alone anyone else who may be going... ie no one to call and have a chat. Help!

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 10:08

but I’ve heard teens these days are doing hardcore drugs (think MDMA, Ket etc) at the age of 16 and are drinking spirits by the bucket load so I would be wary

Ket seems to be a favourite here with the teens. Shocking.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 18/10/2017 10:08

I saw more drugs in the school playground than I ever saw at parties. They are dealt on the school bus, at the school gates, in the school toilets, behind the bike sheds, in the phone box down the road etc. All the kids know who deals them, where to find them. A party wont make much difference if they are that way inclinded.

Migraleve · 18/10/2017 10:12

saw more drugs in the school playground than I ever saw at parties.

There is more temptation and less sensibility at a party where you are being egged in and drinking too. That’s the huge danger. We all know that drugs are available of these kids want them, but the majority wouldn’t dream of touching them at School etc, but in that party atmosphere? Different story entirely.

Pickleypickles · 18/10/2017 10:12

I think if ypu dont let him gp then next time there is a party he will lie and tell you hes staying at a friends or something.
Let him go but give him definite rules such as mobile must be switched on at all times and youll be giving him a call at a set time/s to check everything is ok.
You are onlu 15 once let him go to the party and have a good night.

AnnabelleLecter · 18/10/2017 10:13

My DD now 17 went to a festival at 16. A whole weekend of partying for her and blind panic for us! She's been staying at overnight parties since 15 1/2 and so do her friends. She comes in at all hours and never alone, always has a few friends in tow which means she is not walking back by herself. She tells me where she is if she's staying out and who with what she drank the next day, who was there etc. She's been drunk and sick once on vodka and now won't touch it.
It's teenage dabbling. Scary for parents but teenagers who want to will do it anyway at some point. I'm fairly strict and have high standards but she's not a baby and the world is big bad and ugly. I want her to be able to cope.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 18/10/2017 10:19

Migraleve

How old are you? Do you think by stopping g him going to social events it will mitigate any risk? Perhaps just lock him in his room until he's 18?

If her son is going to do drugs, he will do them in his peer group regardless of whether he is allowed to this particular party.

The OPs best bet is to educate him on the dangers of substance abuse. Banning social events will just drive any issue underground.

Motherofterriers · 18/10/2017 10:22

I think if you don't let him go he will lie next time - much better to encourage him to be honest with you. Do you know the parents of any of his friends who are invited? If so, why not chat to them - it may be that they are going to make attendance conditional in some way, and if you do the same it's harder for him to argue that you are being unreasonable. I'd also get in touch with the host parents to check out what level of supervision they are planning

Migraleve · 18/10/2017 10:25

How old are you? Do you think by stopping g him going to social events it will mitigate any risk? Perhaps just lock him in his room until he's 18?

Lol. I’m 42 so no dinosaur. But I didn’t suggest stopping him going to social events. Neither did I suggest locking him in his room.

If her son is going to do drugs, he will do them in his peer group regardless of whether he is allowed to this particular party.

Indeed he will. However, as I have already said, it’s a known risk for this particular party, so I would absolutely eliminate said risk.

SP00KYLilBucket1 · 18/10/2017 10:28

I agree with other posters. If you don't let him go he will lie next time. Teenagers will do whatever they want to do, we can do very little to stop them. It's just giving them the guidance to make sure they don't do anything too bad and know to come to you if they do.

SP00KYLilBucket1 · 18/10/2017 10:29

I'm also only 26 so not too long since I was his age and people did more drugs on the way, during and out of school than they did at parties.

RockinHippy · 18/10/2017 10:40

^ but I’ve heard teens these days are doing hardcore drugs (think MDMA, Ket etc) at the age of 16 and are drinking spirits by the bucket load so I would be wary^
^
Ket seems to be a favourite here with the teens. Shocking.^

MDMA here, aka Molly or Mandi. In my nativity checking DDs social media at 13, I wondered who the hell this very popular girl Molly was, especially as she seemed to know them all I’m less worried about DD agreeing to take it than I am drinks been spiked with it at parties, which has happened to several of her peers. She counselled one good friend who had a 2 week depressive come down after the girls “friends” spiked her drink & then sexually molested her - the “ friends” were girls btw she had no one else to talk to as she was too scared to tell her parents 😢 thankfully her experience has frightened DD off taking it, but the spiking of drinks is a very real worry, especially given DD is a high risk for bad side effects

RockinHippy · 18/10/2017 10:41

I disagree that not letting him go will turn him into a liar, it hasn’t with mine, she owned up to being quite relieved as she felt obliged to go, but happy to be able to blame us when she can’t

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 10:44

MDMA here, aka Molly or Mandi. In my nativity checking DDs social media at 13, I wondered who the hell this very popular girl Molly was, especially as she seemed to know them all

Ds has one follower on Instagram. Girl called Mollie

RockinHippy · 18/10/2017 11:08

DameD if Mollie I’d very popular & they are all asking at every upcoming party or get together, “has anyone invited Molly” is Molly coming etc, then definitely worry - Molly here actually had a, IG profile to fool anyone looking in - thankfully DD told me about it

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 11:44

Yes this Mollie had an IG profile. Curious...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 11:48

I'll have a chat with him later.

RockinHippy · 18/10/2017 11:54

Good luck, it’s just as likely to be innocent as not, but I was shocked at how sneaky they all were. Mandi is now the popular girl here 🙄

maddiemookins16mum · 18/10/2017 11:55

Tents? That sounds odd (and a possible recipe for disaster, not least for the neighbours).
My first port of call would be the mum and seeing how many other adults would be supervising.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 12:08

Tents are normal here as it saves the house getting puked in

milliemolliemou · 18/10/2017 14:55

Tents sound fine but make sure he has warm sleeping bag and ground sheet ... and a coat to keep him warm.

Another one for speaking to the parents. If I had a group of mid-teens staying in my house I'd want to have all their parents' contact details anyway. However kosher I was about drink (a couple of bottles of low percentage beer per head for 16 year olds) I'd want to know if any parents objected and whom to contact if anything went wrong. I'd be very wary of garden shenanigans, someone smuggling in drugs/vodka etc - and people staying up all night. And gatecrashers.

PoppyH56 · 18/10/2017 15:00

It’s a shame growing up to realise that everyone grows out of MD and Ket and just move onto the harder stuff such as coke. I for one have never touched any of the stuff but my friends actively do and it’s just not a big deal. It’s cheaper than alcohol and for some reason so so easy to get a hold of! So scary to think about but it’s just the way of the world these days. I would have a serious chat with him or the girls mother and find out what the situation is. I’m 23 and am a new Mum to a 4 week old and I can already tell I’m going to be the most over protective mum out there even though I thought I’d be the cool Mum simply because I know exactly what goes on

onefortheroadplease · 18/10/2017 15:01

I would let him go

Firenight · 18/10/2017 15:04

When will you let go?

I would be fine with it - it’s part of growing up - but be clear that if wants a pick-up sooner, he just has to ask and you’ll get him, no questions asked. It won’t be the last time and presumably you want him to be open about what he’s up to.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 15:17

It’s a shame growing up to realise that everyone grows out of MD and Ket and just move onto the harder stuff such as coke no they don't

thecatsthecats · 18/10/2017 15:25

My friends had parties like this - yes with alcohol, and with progressively more sex (went from snogging to full on action) from the age of about 14. None of us died, in very few instances did things go 'too far', and when they did, we looked after each other or there were contactable adults.

My parents didn't trust me, and my mum banned me from going to ANY 18th parties (can't say why as is very outing, but essentially, she made me responsible for something that happened at one of my parties that was absolutely nothing to do with me and in retrospect is appalling to blame anyone but the perpetrator). She therefore had no idea where I was when I did manage to make it to a few social occasions, so if I had needed help, she wouldn't have a clue where I was.

Honestly, fretting about drink and sex seems completely alien to me. Do you expect your son to magically to be able to cope once he's 18?

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