To struggle with #metoo

[BookyBook]

Is anyone else struggling with this?

I can't even articulate why and why I am so reluctant to post #metoo myself, although don't want to not either. My FB thread is full of it and I didn't realise it was a thing to do until yesterday and it has completely blindsided me.

Having said that I think it makes a very strong point, I just feel a little teary about seeing all the #metoos today in a way that is making me relive my own experiences that I have trained myself not to think about too much usually.

Is anyone else the same?

Of course I've been sexually harassed. Which women hasn't? But I haven't been sexually assaulted and I feel leaping onto #metoo is minimising the stories of women who have survived those awful experiences. Doesn't feel right to me.

As women we already know that this kind of thing has happened to almost all of us. I guess the #metoo thing is just to raise awareness among men. But is it going to change how the kind of men who do it think of their behaviour? I'm not so sure.

I have been sexually assaulted numerous times. For my kids same I will not be joining in with this

Anybody who calls women sharing experiences of sexual assault "attention seeking" should be fucking ashamed.

Just had a phone exchange with DD 17. "I don't understand why you had to have grandad there for the gas inspector" She probably believes the myths and thinks that only young women are attacked but ffs. ## Forty five years on this planet in my five three seven stone body has taught me to never trust people, especially the ones who are always, ALWAYS physically stronger and seemingly above the law.

This thread has been great but one of the best things is the relief of knowing / awareness of the fact that we deal with the threat of male violence every day. God, I even turned off my lovely Halloween pumpkin fairy lights on the banisters because it made the house look, when beholding in the eyes of 'unknown male visitor' to look as if it was inviting somebody upstairs ...

He was actually a lovely guy with a great manner. Except the fact that I noticed this isn't a good thing is it? He, ime, was the exception not the rule and there I am feeling grateful because NAMALT. It is depressing as fuck and I'm also one of the 'lucky' ones not to have been brutally raped yet.

Pringlecat If you read the thread a number of women on here have already said they haven't.

I read a really interesting book a few years ago I think by Malcolm Gladwell, which explained a situation in New York in the 80s, where there was so much violent crime happening it was becoming a crisis. Murders, armed robberies etc happening every day and the police didn't know how to handle it.

A new mayor or head of police (can't remember which) was brought in to deal with the problem and he decided the police would focus on low level crime - specifically fare dodging on the subway and graffiti. Lots of police deployed to railway stations and known graffiti sites and prosecutions focussed on, even though the penalties were relatively small.

And an amazing thing happened - not only did these petty crimes stop but also almost overnight so did the big crimes. By showing that the police weren't going to take any shit even when the penalties weren't big, the criminals wised up and realised the police certainly wouldn't tolerate bigger crimes. Also society's attitude changed as people started to be less tolerant of bad behaviour in general.

Just so in the sexual harassment situation we have now - if we make a big fuss and refuse to tolerate low level harrassment like cat calling and bum grabbing in clubs, men will start to realise that like hell is society going to accept bigger crimes like rape.

So I think campaigns around awareness of low level harassment, far from belittling women's experience of more serious assaults, can actually have a large positive impact on victims of more serious crimes.

And that is also worth pointing out to the #not me people. No. Not yet.

I am not at all a fan of these sorts of thing on facebook. However, I do agree with this one.

Someone said "why raise awareness without actually doing anything" What exactly is a person to do? This is not about raising money for a cause or giving advice about how to check for breast cancer, it is something which makes it blatantly clear just how many women have been assaulted.

And it does make chilling viewing, seeing how many there are, it might not change anything right now, but if it at least highlights just how much of a problem it is it prompts discussion in households across the land. It's not just us old mums who are watching but young girls and young boys, and the type of guy who does this sort of thing, and just maybe someone is having a conversation with them about all this.

I get that people don't want to do it. And that's perfectly fine. I get that people don't like to see it. Neither do I, it sends shivers down my spine as I see woman after woman posting the hashtag.

But it would be nice, for once, if we could see this for exactly what it is and perhaps NOT suggest anyone who has been brave enough to publicly post that they have experienced sexual harassment is just attention seeking, which is actually a vile suggestion.

For once, can we not just support one and other and remember that it is never a woman's fault if a man assaults them. There are enough men blaming women.

@conker

I was saying that to my husband this morning. It's called "the Broken Window theory" The low level stuff is the first step to the bigger stuff. It's a really interesting theory.

I haven't posted on FB. I am open about my experiences generally so I don't feel it would add anything new.

I have however seen several 'me too' threads attract comments from men about how they get harassed too, and look at how bad the male suicide rate is etc. I haven't seen a single man respond in a way that all shows they gave reflected on their role, as a bystander or someone who might help to perpetuate rape culture.

For that reason, I don't think it will have the desired effect. Men (who are the ones in a position to effect change) will post sad faces or meaningless comments on the statuses, pat themselves on the back for being the good guys (because they couldn't possibly be part of the problem, not a nice guy like them!) and move on. It'll be forgotten next week.

Also, I don't believe that men don't know how prevalent this is, or that it affects so many women.

Men are the ones DOING IT. When pretty much every woman I know has been assaulted / harassed, most of them on multiple occasions, that means an awful lot of men are doing it.

It's not a random natural phenomenon. It's a deliberate choice. The men who perpetrate it choose to do so. The men who turn a blind eye to their rape mate choose to do so. The men who laugh along with misogynist jokes that perpetuate this culture choose to do so.

"We talk about how many women were raped, not about how many men raped women. We talk about how many girls were harassed, not about how many boys harassed girls. We talk about how many teenage girls got pregnant, not how many men/boys impregnated teenage girls.

So you see how the use of the passive voice has a political effect. [It] shifts the focus off men and boys onto women and girls. Even the term 'violence against women' is problematic. It is a passive construction. There is no active agent in the sentence. It's a bad thing that happens to women but when you look at that term 'violence against women' nobody is doing it to them. It just happens to them ....... Men aren't even a part of it". Jackson Katz

^ rapey mate

I'm really finding the minimsing of sexual assaults in men on this thread really distasteful. Women keep saying that it's mostly women who are victims but then won't listen when men say they are victims too.

Some years ago I accompanied an 18 year old male who I was working with to the rape
crisis centre. Once he had courageously spoken to the police and agreed to the forensic examination he was told it had to be done by a man, even though it was a man who has raped him. He still suffers from the trauma.

Well I haven't posted because I can honestly, hand on heart say I have never been sexually assaulted or harassed.

Being sexually assaulted is horrific for anyone. But your risk of being a victim is FAR higher if you are a woman. And the chances of being assaulted by a woman are miniscule in comparison to the odds of being assaulted by a man.

It's an insult to everyone's intelligence to pretend this isn't gendered.

pringlecat I feel leaping onto #metoo is minimising the stories of women who have survived those awful experiences. Doesn't feel right to me.

I've just come to find this thread (knowing they'd be one) to post this exact thing.

Whilst I am not minimising sexual harassment it is not sexual assault or rape. I feel uncomfortable that they have all been lumped in together in this hashtag. But maybe that's because I can brush a wolf whistle off after a couple of hours, but four years later I am still affected by my assault.

I know harassment covers so so so much more than that, but I do think there is a line between the two, and for me the metoo hashtag just seems to not sit right for me.

Thanks @original - yes, that term rings a bell. I think the book was Tipping Point

I don’t jump on Facebook bandwagons and nor will I on this one even though I do think it’s thought provoking as to how common this is.

I had all but forgotten two incidents from my teenage years which this campaign reminded me of. Thankfully both harassment although one could have gone into assault and for me had no lasting impact.

However, it did give my oh a real shock when I mentioned it as I, “don’t look like someone this would happen to.” And I think that realisation was a very powerful message to him.

I’ve done it. I haven’t spoken about my experience publicly and it was an assault rather than harassment that most of my friends will have no idea about. I see it as an important part of raising awareness to those naice middle class guys I’m friends with who don’t realise how widespread a problem it is.

I can understand that some women are feeling triggered by it and no-one should feel pressure either way to join in or not.

Maybe nothing will change but maybe it might.

Interesting thread, thanks mn!

I also wonder how many men are tutting bout the me toos without thinking about be times they have been guilty of low level harassment, especially in bars

I’m not going to post “me too” because I don’t want to share that information with everyone I’m Facebook friends with. I’m not particularly upset about my experiences, more disgusted by the perpetrators. To be honest, I thought all women were at least touched up by someone in their lifetime. I thought that was normal. Unacceptable but normal. If we need to tell the men we know about this then it will be far more powerful face to face than online.

I'm finding it really really triggering. My rapes are private to me. They are my shit. I'm not interested in making a # about them or 'sharing' on social media. In fact I feel pretty disgusted that a very personal experiences are being touted around platforms like twitter or Facebook. Do you know what's helped me?

Trauma therapy. DBT. EMDR. Counselling. Anti-depressants. Anti-psychotics. Group sessions. Sedatives. Sleeping tablets. Anti emetics. Mental health nurses. Eating disorder clinics. Psychiatrists. Psychologists. Rape crisis. PTSD groups. Drug and alcohol abuse services. Family support workers. Social workers. The police. My parents. My friends. All these help.

A hashtag or social media fad like Me too? Not so much.

I am a #metoo.
I wouldn't want to share it on Facebook. My close friends know some of what happened to me. I wouldn't want to let a wider set of people know. I don't want it to define me, or for people to judge me or pity me.
I'm glad some women are brave enough to share. They will pioneer change.

I haven't posted #metoo because I don't really want to talk about it. It would inevitably lead to questions from people, especially my husband and I just don't want to get into it. I was a teenager when the worst incident happened. Almost every woman I know has been sexually assaulted in some way.