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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 16/10/2017 18:04

The veil is not to do with a bride, but is leftover from a time when all women in church covered their heads

How quaint, and totally misogynist. How anyone slows their daughters to become part of this faith is beyond me.

sayyouwill · 16/10/2017 18:06

I know you're long gone from this thread OP (don't blame you!) but I'd be really torn about this decision too.
Is it at all possible to go to the communion and fly out for the evening do? No idea where the wedding is but just a thought

changemyname1 · 16/10/2017 18:08

To clarify both are on the same day neither can be changed
The wedding is abroad
Op not Catholic
Ex h is the religious one
DD isn't bothered that op wont be at the communion only seems to be bothered about the parties
There was always going to be 2 parties one from op one from the father
Op is going to do the party the following weekend any way
Op family will be able to make the party following the wedding
Op wouldn't go to the father's party just sit in the church for an hour that day
It is a very close relative that is getting married

It's a no brainer go to the wedding

52FestiveRoad · 16/10/2017 18:13

How quaint, and totally misogynist. How anyone slows their daughters to become part of this faith is beyond me.

There are lots of things people still do just because it is traditional, but are also misogynist. Carrying the bride over the threshold, father giving the bride away, wife taking husband's name, even' Mum's gone to Iceland' is sexist.. You can't just blame the catholic church for holding onto misogynistic traditions, they are everywhere, ingrained into society. Maybe people like them on some level, take comfort in doing things as they always have been.

FrancisCrawford · 16/10/2017 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ttbb · 16/10/2017 18:14

Have you considered maybe postponing her communion (ideally until an age where she is able to make an informed choice on the matter)?

Papafran · 16/10/2017 18:17

I wonder if you took out communion and replaced it with school play would the answers be the same?

Yes.

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 18:18

The covering your head in church varies as well. I'm old enough to remember when all females were expected to cover their heads in a Catholic church except at the local Polish Catholic Church where women were not supposed to cover their heads. Sometimes it is local tradition and sometimes it is doctrine. Jewish men wear a kippah so covering your head for religious reasons does not only apply to women.

Skarossinkplunger · 16/10/2017 18:20

52FestiveRoad

How many threads on here are there shocked an appalled when a school tells girls to dress in a certain way so they don't distract the boys?

How much outcry would there be if a girl was stopped from doing a job simply because she posses a vagina?

How many people would be comfortable for their children to sit in a room unsupervised with an unknown man encouraging them to tell him all the naughty things they done and for him to dish out punishment?

Religion gets away with too much in the name of tradition.

PandorasXbox · 16/10/2017 18:21

Replace it with school play?

Anyone who didn’t go to their close relatives wedding because of a school play that the other parent would be attending really would be ridiculous.

Brittbugs80 · 16/10/2017 18:22

I understand it a big deal to some people but for the sake of 1 hour in a church I miss someone very close to me big day which all my family will be at. It's the mother guilt that won't leave Me

Someone very close to you? Closer than your daughter?

Religious or not, I can't get over what seems like you putting a close family member over your daughter.

I feel quite sorry for her.

LaurieMarlow · 16/10/2017 18:22

Op wouldn't go to the father's party just sit in the church for an hour that day

You do understand that 'sitting in the church' is the only bit of any importance?

The parties are neither here nor there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of communions and my children won't be making them. BUT if you opt for it for your children, you should do so with an understanding of its importance within the catholic faith.

For the mother to not show up is just disrespectful. She has agreed to it for her daughter and even if she's not catholic herself, the least she should do is commit to supporting her child on such an important day.

Papafran · 16/10/2017 18:25

You do understand that 'sitting in the church' is the only bit of any importance?

But that's the bit the DD doesn't care about. Like it or not, loads of people partake in religious ceremonies and services that they don't really believe in or care about. The DD obviously goes to a catholic school and just wants to be with her friends. I doubt she will be saying the rosary every night from now on or think of FHC as anything other than a fun day of presents and parties.

angieloumc · 16/10/2017 18:25

Skarissinkplunger I'll answer your question. The girls wear white to symbolise purity, like the white garment worn at baptism. They are not brides of Christ but First Communicants.

angieloumc · 16/10/2017 18:27

Oops sorry! Must read the full thread in future, question already answered.,

ForalltheSaints · 16/10/2017 18:30

Must be a small congregation or not many children for the first communions to be only on one day. Could a neighbouring parish be a possibility for the first communion. If not, child does come first.

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 18:33

I think my daughter would have been more upset about going to a neighbouring parish than me missing her First Holy Communion. She had a panic on the day as our Parish Priest was being assisted by another priest but she was put in the line for our Priest. That meant alot to her. People vary and none of us know this particular child so can't really judge.

LaurieMarlow · 16/10/2017 18:33

But that's the bit the DD doesn't care about. Like it or not, loads of people partake in religious ceremonies and services that they don't really believe in or care about.

Well then she shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Look, I get that this point goes far, far beyond this thread and it's questionable whether any communion aged child has a clue what they're doing.

However, I believe that the parents have an obligation to commit to a serious sacrament like communion in the correct spirit and to guide their children down the same path.

For the OP to not show up to the church ceremony is just enhancing the child's idea that it's a casual party and that's immensely disrespectful in my eyes. I don't believe in this sacrament and neither does the OP. But many of the families partaking of it will do.

GoldTippedFeather · 16/10/2017 18:35

My parents aren’t together and I was christened late (around 5 years old) by my Dad and his wife. I remember it still, my Mum wasn’t there but it didn’t and still doesn’t bother me at all, as it was an occasion with Dad’s side of the family.

If you aren’t religious then I don’t see why it can’t be a special occasion with her Dad’s side of the family.

KarateKitten · 16/10/2017 18:36

Wedding makes more sense OP. Don't mind the righteous. As a life event, a wedding is much more important than a communion and certainly with you not being religious and your ex putting on a session for her with his side of the family, then I wouldn't give it a second thought.

TeeBee · 16/10/2017 18:38

Both are holy sacraments. There is no way I would miss one that my child was involved in, or indeed anything that was important to them...and certainly not for someone else's wedding. You can go to their second wedding :-D

ludothedog · 16/10/2017 18:39

As a life event, a wedding is much more important than a communion - I disagree when the communion is that of your child.

Papafran · 16/10/2017 18:40

Well then she shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Look, I get that this point goes far, far beyond this thread and it's questionable whether any communion aged child has a clue what they're doing

Yeah, I get it, but it's the truth of the matter. There is one religious parent here though- the dad. He will be there, he takes it seriously etc. You really cannot expect an agnostic/atheist to respect and take the catholic faith seriously. That would go against her own beliefs. She has agreed to a compromise because her ex is part of the faith, but presumably on the understanding that he takes responsibility for her daughter's religious upbringing.

And yes, it's pretty dumb that such young children who have no concept of the meaning of the ceremony have to take part in it.

But seriously, the amount of people who marry in church having barely set foot in one before and having no intention of doing so afterwards, the number of church funerals for non-worshipers, the number of people who go to church carol service for fun but have no idea of the teachings of the bible. People tend to pick and choose with religion and it is not particularly important to their lives, even if they would call themselves Christian.

Tapandgo · 16/10/2017 18:42

Your child's communion should come first. It's important to her, so should be a priority for you.

gamerwidow · 16/10/2017 18:42

As a non catholic the communion probably has no value to the OP other than the chance to see their DD in a pretty dress and have a party.
It’s for her DF benefit so he should take the DD and they can have a special celebration together. The OP has no need to get involved.
I know it’s important if you’re catholic but the OP isn’t so why should she pretend otherwise.