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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 16/10/2017 10:49

Sirzy that is true, if ferry is the only node of transport logistically available. However, I'm assuming OP is in England and the ferey is from Europe meaning there is more than one way to travel.
Why bother attending a wedding when you won't arrive until two hours before as long as the ferry is on time, crossing is smooth and there is no traffic? That's just being a bloody martyr.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 10:50

Yes - it is a ferry from Europe.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/10/2017 10:51

But all modes of travel depend very much on timetables!

She is going to the effort to make it over even though it’s going to bet tight i really don’t see how she can be criticised for that. She could have very easily just said no it’s too difficult.

SingingMySong · 16/10/2017 10:51

"It’s not “a wedding” it’s my bloody wedding and I am paying for everyone."

Erm, reading that back OP do you honestly not see any hint of the bridezillas in there?

justforthisthread101 · 16/10/2017 10:52

OP, YANBU. Your sister is winding you up. Don't rise to it. Good luck, and enjoy your day.

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/10/2017 10:52

I think YANBU about everything accept the dress code.

It's not even your family, other people will turn up in jeans unless it is clear that is not acceptable. Some people do consider nice jeans and a shirt or top to look smart.

midnightmisssuki · 16/10/2017 10:56

Wow - some people have gone crazy on mumsnet today with their replies! OP - no if course YANBU. Sister sounds like shes being difficult for the sake of being diffucult. If my sister or brother said their kids were coming to my wedding in jeans - i would be astonished. And yes - i would expect any niece or nephew i have to come out of school for that one day im getting married. I would be very surprised if anyone thought it normal to turn up in jeans at a wedding, let alone a siblings wedding.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 10:56

No - no one else will be turning up in jeans. Being Bridezilla would be insisting on this that and the other.

Not being Bridezilla is spending a few grand of my hard earned cash on dinner for 100 people and expecting those people esp my own family to have the respect to turn up looking presentable.

OP posts:
Dreams16 · 16/10/2017 10:56

Op try and relax you can see already from your recent posts your getting your back up over it all look your wedding just boils down to you and your future partner who shows up is a bonus but not everyone is going to want to dance and sing to same tunes as you frustrating yes it is but sadly that’s the joys of family life

I had this happen at my own wedding last year but seriously so long as you feel amazing and special on your day and your partner shows up that’s all that matters enjoy the run up and more importantly enjoy your day ignore her and carry on

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 16/10/2017 10:57

MrsEight I totally get where you’re coming from. Weddings to me mean smart dress, I don’t need it spelled out on an invite. Jeans at weddings (regardless of whether it’s wedding #1 or #10) are not acceptable unless categorically stated that that is the desired dress code.

Your dsis has a choice to attend and if it was too much trouble then she should have apologised and declined. I understand her having a whinge to your mum but I don’t think your mum should have told you she’d had a whinge.

Big deep breath, ignore the negative and have a lovely day Flowers

ZaphodBeeblerox · 16/10/2017 10:59

Sorry you've gotten such a hard time on here OP.

As I understand it, she had a wedding in NZ and you travelled with a 15 mo old and pregnant. And you travelled for her birthday, with kids.

By moaning about your second wedding and being awkward about children's clothes, she is clearly trying to say it's a right pain. You've offered to pay, but she won't have that. You've offered to give your kids clothes, she won't have that. She sounds like an ungracious twat.

How does it sound from her point of view? "I had a wedding in NZ and my sister travelled with a toddler while pregnant for over 12 hours to attend, but now for her second wedding she wants me to go back to my hometown AND shell out for trousers for my kids???"

Hmm

Take a deep breath, let it go. She will look and sound like the ungracious cow she is. Enjoy your wedding day, and let her dress her kids how she wants. She is being VVU though!

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/10/2017 10:59

How the fuck are any of you thinking the OP is being unreasonable here?

Because people will argue black is white on here if it means they can have a go at someone.
Most of the time it looks ridiculous.

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/10/2017 10:59

Ummm okay then - you obviously know your guests better than us. Just be warned, not everyone has the same ideas as to what is presentable or not and not everyone will know there is a zero denim policy unless stated on the invitation.

5rivers7hills · 16/10/2017 11:00

Smart jeans, shirt and blazer/jacket - that will look nice. I can't get upset about that.

The moaning about why is it not in school holidays - that is annoying.

AtlanticWaves · 16/10/2017 11:01

How long has your sister been abroad? Because you get very quickly used to being in a more dress-down environment.

Some jeans can look very smart, especially if dressed up with a shirt and smart shoes.

Maybe she honestly thought jeans would be ok. I went to a wedding in the UK in 2008. The next one I went to was in 2017. In between I went to loads in a European country where people were relatively smart but not overly, especially the DC. So I got used to that and had to really think about what to wear in 2017!

As for only arriving 2 hours before the wedding, sometimes there isn't a lot of choice! She's obviously limited by school hours (I'm in France and here school doesn't finish until 4.30pm), possibly work hours (my DH has very limited holiday time) and then travelling to the ferry, getting the ferry, travelling to your venue....

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 11:01

Erm yes I know my guests better than posters on MN do .... Hmm

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 16/10/2017 11:02

The more talk, the more bridezilla you sound. Yes, to you, it's 'your bloody wedding' but to everyone else, yes it is just a wedding. Focus on what is actually important - making a lifetime commitment to the man you love. What guests wear is not important in the slightest

Greyponcho · 16/10/2017 11:03

NRTFT, sorry.
Any chance she can not bring her DC, reducing cost and hassle for everyone involved?
No offence, but it’s hard to get pre-teens excited about attending anyone’s wedding

Dreams16 · 16/10/2017 11:05

Totally agree my bloody father in law rocked up in jeans and a crap shirt to his sons wedding frustrating yes did it ruin mine and my DH wedding no because as horrible as it sounds I wasn’t focusing on anyone else other than my DH the fact we had said our vows and were now husband and wife and the fact we were both excited to be going on our honeymoon plus those that mattered most to us made the effort with how they were dressed that’s all that matters

olivesnutsandcheese · 16/10/2017 11:05

Yanbu your sister is being a pain. My DSis lives in the EU and had school age children. No issue for her coming back to UK for my wedding. As for clothes. She made sure her kids were suitably dressed.
I can only suggest you try not to get riled by her and make sure you enjoy your day. Congratulations to you and soon to be DH

sailorcherries · 16/10/2017 11:07

Jeans and a shirt are not all day wedding appropriate, perhaps an evening only invite attire but not ceremony and reception unless otherwise stated.

Sirzy travelling from mainland Europe the sister has multiple cheap airline options that can guarantee multiple flights a day at all hours. Choosing to go down the ferry route is being a pain in the arse and deliberate. If it was such a bother she shouls have said no, that is my point.

llangennith · 16/10/2017 11:11

It's YOUR wedding and as your future husband is in the military it'll be a smart wedding. Your sister is being mean and sounds a bit jealous. Of course people don't wear jeans to a smart wedding. That's ridiculous!
Stick to your guns and ignore your DSIS who is being rather petty.
Congratulations and enjoy your wedding dayFlowers

beachygirl · 16/10/2017 11:13

Just to lighten the thread, have you considered obliging you sister and ditching the military regalia in favour of something like this? Wink

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?
onceandneveragain · 16/10/2017 11:13

Wow some people are just out to pick at anything aren't they?
Yes the sister has to travel overseas but she made the decision to move away - fully knowing that she would have to travel back to her home country for any significant family event. Surely most people understand the definition of a"overseas wedding" to be "wedding where those getting married travel to a different country than that where they and the majority of their guests live" otherwise pretty much every single wedding will be an "overseas" one for at least one guest. For the sister any event which involves going back home is an "overseas" one - so overseas funeral, birthday, holiday, etc. Describing it as "overseas" for her, while technically correct, suggests unfair and inaccurate level of demand and expectation from the bride.

Also op didn't say "kids will be made to stand outside in the rain if they turn up in jeans" she said she suggested jeans are a bit causal for a wedding. Which they are! The kids themselves depending on age might feel awkward, other guests might comment about them behind their backs, and given sisters current level of unreasonableness she will probably complain herself when the wedding photos come back with most of the party looking smart in full regalia and her children looking like the poor relations "you told me jeans were fine! If I'd known everyone else was dressing up I would have too" etc.

drspouse · 16/10/2017 11:16

My DB lives "overseas" (in the European country that is DW is from. So it's not overseas for her).
I have no issue with him living there and I happily invite him to things we are holding, including my wedding.
I asked my SIL to do a reading at my wedding (they didn't have school aged DC at the time so few/no restrictions on travel). Sure they said. And booked flights for the morning of the wedding. Turning up after she was supposed to do the reading. It was going to be along with a friend who had travelled specially and who couldn't' stay for the reception. We had to drop it as it wouldn't' work with just one person (complicated reason).
Unless it IS against the law to take your children out of school I would be seriously worried about them arriving late. So I have a lot of sympathy for you OP!

Incidentally though my DB still lives "overseas" and I'm not blaming him for that but again, you do need to try and make the effort more if you don't live in the same country as your family. I invited him to various family events but he's just held a big family event (confirmation of my godchild) and didn't ask me because he "didn't think I'd be able to come".