AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

Omg this is so funny. It’s not an overseas wedding. It’s your big day and she is being an arse. I feel for you. But people are gonna really enjoy dragging you on here for wanting to assert yourself on your own wedding day.
Calling it ‘just a day’ is insensitive and upsetting for you. I’m sorry she is being unsupportive. Do you have some more support closer to home?! I would grab a couple of bottles of wine and some good girlfriends and remind yourself of all the positive people in your life instead of arguing with people on here who literally just want an argument over nothing.
Congratulations. Have a wonderful wedding

If a dress code has been specified it should be followed. Although not having a formal dress code for a wedding by no means shows you were not raised correctly (as suggested earlier)

I think YANBU in not wanting her to be a martyr about everything that would seriously irritate me and doesn't show you are being a bridezilla. But you do equally have to appreciate not everyone thinks other people's weddings are the be all and end all so don't relish spending lots of money out for one day.

The second wedding is important as she has presumably had to spend all this before. It is very sad about your first husband and I think people's posted before reading your subsequent posts.

Maybe she actually is quite hard up at the moment but has not shared this with you.

Right - I'm going to say your DM should have kept her mouth shut about your Dsis moaning about the timing of your wedding. What did she think she was achieving by telling you? The jeans business is just bitchiness on your sister's part BUT you did ask her kids to be pageboys but have never followed up on this by the sound of things - she probably thinks you asked about it and has been expecting you to say you'll be hiring outfits for them or similar - so I think she's lashing out about that as it's an additional cost she perhaps wasn't expecting.

Rather than stewing over all this, I suggest you pick the phone up and have a clear the air conversation with your sister - don't have a row, just let her know how much she means to you and how much you are looking forward to seeing her and her family, etc. I would be tempted not to mention the jeans business at all. If you are gracious about things she should be big enough not to be an idiot.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I also think that your sister is being a grumpy pain. However some teenagers hate formal clothes and long formal occasions which they can find boring. But it's your wedding and I think you should be able to enjoy it without being involved in who wears jeans. I recently went to a wedding where the bride's older sister turned up in shorts

I don’t get the attitude towards second weddings either. My DSis suffered DV in her first marriage. Her second marriage to a lovely DH was a very joyously affair near Christmas time.

Aw, I think your DSis is being a PITA and your not unreasonable to want people to make an effort.

It clearly hurts that DSis doesn't think it's important enough to suck up any inconvenience or expense with good grace because, y'know, it's really really important occasion to her sister...

To reassure you though, my DSS ended up in jeans at my and DH's wedding and I didn't even notice! We'd got DSS a smart outfit but he wet himself just before the ceremony and SIL changed him into the only available spare trousers - jeans. It wasn't until we got the photos weeks later that I realised. It looked fine.

(Ok, we weren't in military dress but everyone was proper smart, hats, dresses etc)

I'm totally with the OP on this. No way is it acceptable to dress the children in jeans or complain about when the wedding is, given that OP made a big effort for her wedding and birthday.

OH and I are a military family and so am known for being quite “glam"

Apologies - I didn’t mean it to sound like you weren’t brought up “well” if you don’t dress properly.

My dad was brought up as an illegitimate child in the 1930s - he then “did good” and how we looked in public was always of the utmost importance.

Sorry just read OP again and the dcs are not teens . Congrats by the way

And that was a typo I meant I am known for being glam - not “so” absolutely nothing to do with the military.

You’re not bu. If your sister doesnt want to inconvenience herself in anyway to attend her own sisters wedding, then she should have declined the invitation. She’s sounds like she’s being difficult and awkward, for who knows what reason ? so just ignore her and focus on enjoying big day.
Goodluck for wedding.

So, I'm assuming that the children will be wearing chino's and a shirt, that type of thing? Not at all unreasonable for a wedding. DS hates wearing anything like this despite havinIg a supersmart school uniform. However, he'd do chino's and shirt with the expectation that that's what you do for a wedding. I think your sister here is being a pain, one assumes she could've declined the invite and said she can't get the time off school for the kids?

DH's family are in another country. When they do things in their own country, it's not "overseas" even if we have to travel over a sea to get there. When we receive an invitation for an occasion (usually things like Communion rather than a wedding) we look at the logistics and either make it work or politely send our apologies. There's no need to be churlish about it.

The default is that jeans are too casual for most weddings. I have a fussy child. He knows that sometimes you do have to wear certain styles of clothing. A suit is excessive to impose for a boy, but there's plenty of smarter styles of trousers that are perfectly reasonable, low cost and practical.

People are being ridiculous on this thread. Of course YANBU. Sounds like your sister is being purposely difficult. Jeans/joggers for a wedding FFS 🙄 What do your parents think? Can your mum have a word? You may just have to rise above and ignore but obviously say the dress code is non negotiable. Hope she doesn't rock up in leggings

I can't believe anyone can think the OP is being unreasonable!

The sister will not allow her kids to miss any school but can attend the wedding -this suggests a weekend wedding. The sister could travel after school on the Friday and arrive home Sunday night. Instead she is planning on arriving 2 hours before the wedding. If anything goes wrong the sister will not make the wedding.

Jeans are unacceptable unless the entire wedding is casual. Since many guests are wearing full military regalia it is not a casual wedding.

The wedding is not overseas. The OPs sister chose to move abroad, therefore she has to accept that attending family events will require travel.

I know that OP isn't imposing suits and is happy with regular trousers. I didn't phrase it well.

Sailor - that very much depends on the method of transport used. You can’t control things like ferry times so are restricted by them.

So formal attire is the only way to 'dress properly' for a wedding?

If you have specified everyone look 'glam' then of course they should make an effort to do so. Don't however assume that this is the only acceptable style for a wedding and judge others that do not have or want this.

YANBU about any of this Mrseight.

Your sister is being unreasonable and sounds like she has issues...just try not to let them ruin your day! Congratulations!

It’s not “a wedding” it’s my bloody wedding and I am paying for everyone.

I don’t have a “dress code” but common sense tells me that to turn up to a family wedding where the family (which you are part of) has ALWAYS looked smart in jeans is not ok.

I think you sister is being a mardy grump - is this because she isn't the centre of attention???
I would leave her be and try not to let it piss you off. Seems like you are assuming she cares and the fact is she doesn't. I wouldn't have given her a reading but i bet it would cause more hassle if you withdrew it now and gave it to someone that actually cares about your feelings and wants to be part of your wedding celebration.
With regard to the kids - don't bother getting them buttonholes - let them look like scruffs. I'd tell her that they can wear what they want but that she can't be offended if they feel out of place when everyone else looks smart and that they won't be included in the formal photos, and will only be in the informal crowd shots.
Then mentally kick her out of your mind and focus on the positives of your upcoming wedding

You should have specified a dress code imo if you didn't want any guests turning up in non formal clothes. Of all the weddings I have been to, there is always someone in smart jeans etc unless there has been a specific request.

No. I do not accept that you have to specify a dress code for a wedding.

That’s ridiculous.

OP, I think your sister sounds like a proper pain in the arse, but I'd advise forgetting about her and her silly antics and just concentrate on enjoying your big day. If she or anyone in the family turn up in jeans, you will all survive it, honestly you will - sounds like she's deliberately trying to spoil things and make you anxious. Just ignore her.