AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

I would be grateful for small mercies, OP.

Years ago I went to a wedding where the bride's sister, her OH and three children all turned up in matching, bright orange track suits. In the church the three little dears ran and played up and down the aisles, screaming with glee throughout the ceremony. The parents did nothing. The OH obviously had trouble hitching his tracksuit bottoms over his vast beer gut which was on display while he propped up the bar and downed pint after pint after pint. Classy eh?

Look on the Office for national statistics website. First marriage avg 8 yrs . Second 21....

*kittensinmydinner1 that's really interesting. Could you link?

Perhaps we should just be holding back on personal expenses when we go to first weddings?

Oh god, can't use a computer.

@kittensinmydinner1 that's really interesting about the ONS data on first and subsequent marriages. Could you link?

I think you should also be grateful she's coming at all. Children's dress codes are not as strict as adults at weddings. Quite often they wear smart jeans and converse instead of trousers. I don't see the big deal. Your dh will be in military uniform they'll be in kid appropriate clothes. Try and enjoy your wedding and all the people there not what some of the guests happen to be wearing.

You're getting a hard time here OP. IMO your sister is being an awkward bitch who thinks the world owes her something. After reading your updates RE her wedding and you travelling I'd be tempted to rescind the invitation so she can't ruin your special day by making it about her

OP should be 'grateful' that her sister is coming to her wedding after she flew back from New Zealand to go to her wedding?

Doesnt say much for a family if you have to be grateful someone so close to you bothers to come to your wedding.

Op yanbu at all! Your sis is so rude. Jeans to a wedding is rude and disrespectful unless stated on the invite. As for people not taking kids out of school for family weddings and events i fimd that sad.lifes for living. Is it worth it on your deathbed that you didnt miss a day of school/work but you did miss all nice family memories.

Op YANBU and You have lost your first DH and deserve happiness in your second marriage. Let it all go.

My husband is military, he nor I could have given a flying fuck had a couple of primary school aged children turned up to our wedding in jeans. Them being there, especially if they had had to travel from another country, for a short space of time, would have been enough for us.

My sister got married later on in life. She had quite a big, fancy wedding but she told those of us with children/teens to let them wear something that they felt comfortable in. My kids wore a suit because they already had them, my cousins' kids wore smart shirts, jeans and Converse. The sky didn't fall in and we all had a lovely day.

I've never been to a wedding with guests of any age wearing jeans,

Ive done several weddings where guests wore jeans. All second weddings. Not because they are less special but because the couple had a more relaxed wedding second time around for various reasons

That being said, I've also done a number of second wedding with have been bigger than the first! It all boils down to different personality types, tastes and preferences. Perhaps OPs sister just assumed it would be more relaxed (wrongly so but still possible) Perhaps wherever she lives jeans are acceptable (in many European countries this is the case). There are many reasons why she may have thought jeans would be fine and not all those reasons are malicious.

Jeez...the goady fuckers are around this one like flies round the proverbial.....

OP is not in any way 'U' or bridezilla. Her sister has clearly some kind of stick up her bum about the wedding so is being as difficult as possible.

Shame that those who sneered at the OP for having a second marriage at all, haven't had the decency to come back and apologise, upon learning that her first husband died.

Unless I've missed a few posts, I haven't seen anyone sneer about this being her second marriage

There have been at least two, possibly more.

No OP, YANBU - your sister is being a massive, massive twat. Mean spirited and really taking the joy out of your big day.

Tell her not to bother if its such a massive inconvenience. And yes I would point out that you traveled from the other side of the bloody world with a 15 month old AND 5 months pregnant.

Mardy bitches only get away with it because nobody calls them on it. Is she jealous that you're getting married again? Blimey, my DBro died and I would be overjoyed if DSIL were to marry again. And she's my in-law!

"Perhaps wherever she lives jeans are acceptable (in many European countries this is the case). "

But Op isn't getting married where her sister lives and they are both from the country where Op is getting married, so it's likely that she knows the usual "dress code".

say
There have been posts telling her 2nd marriages aren't as important as first marriages, that having a big 2nd wedding is not important, basically be grateful her sister is coming to this non event. Some bloody nasty comments even after she explained her 1st husband died.

Why would you even mention the "jeans". It's like she was deliberately trying to put a dampener on the wedding. Everyone knows a weddding requires a certain dress code, and jeans aren't part of it. i've been to loads of weddings in my time and i've never seen anyone wearing them. You should have agreed OP, and let her embarrass herself.

Arethereanyleft - but in that summary you are making a lot of statements that aren't just 'a different POV' but are either complete assumptions or directly contradict what the OP has said. e.g. Sister is 'petrified of flying,' when OP has said the reason she's given is flying is 'too expensive.' OP will have a 'hissy fit' if sister doesn't come whereas OP has said (while she obviously would prefer sister to be there) 'it's an invite, not a summons.' OP has said 'clothes borrowed from friends are unacceptable' - OP has not said this.

So either you think OP is lying about such pertinent details as whether the wedding needs to be on a date that is convenient for the groom to attend, or you have obfuscated the details to make the sister's POV sound more reasonable - which suggests that you, yourself, believe that without erroneous amendment they (and the sister) are UNreasonable! In which case why bother defending her?

Even with the contradictory POV you've written there would still be some mardy goady fuckers like you that would soon ask:

• Did she not give you advance notice of the wedding so you could make cheaper arrangements?
• When you say married in a different country do you mean than the country she lives in, or that you live in a different country to her?
• Does she have a valid reason for having the wedding in term time?
• When you say 'dictating' what they must wear, do you mean exact colour, cut, suit, accessories, amount of £ spent, what shop they buy from or just 'smart?'
• Does your sister make the effort for your special occasions?

And if the sister answered honestly I doubt 95% of people would conclude she was being reasonable.

atethere
Are you just making this up as you go along?

Op has explained all of this yet you have explicitly ignored it and made up your own version of events.

Op isn't having a wedding in anothet country she is having it in her country the same country her sister lived in until she moved abroad. Op flew with 2 tiny kids from NZ for her sister's wedding but you think she is being unreasonable to expect her sister to hop over the channel?

Can the people piling in With the nasty comments about it being a second wedding and how people probably can’t be bothered second time around please note that the op was widowed previously. Not that it should make any difference. People are allowed to get married more than once for any reason, what with it being the 21st, not 15th, century

If it's sooo difficult she doesn't have to come. YANBU.

@Willow2017 if mine came across like that I apologise. I was trying to give a different perspective. Since I am also someone who is onto their second marriage I would find it difficult to judge someone else.
I was just saying from experience I have seen many second weddings be a more casual affair for various reasons and maybe that is why the sister also thought the same. Not that that is right or fair, but maybe she leapt to that assumption.