AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

People who "choose to live abroad" eh? Bunch of unpatriotic, unfamily orientated bastards, who do they think they are, living their lives without reference to the convenience of their extended families?

There is nothing wrong with living abroad - but if you want to be included in family events part and parcel of that is that you will have to put yourself out to attend!

Weddings are a complete pain in the bum to attend and really expensive. She does not want to go. But on the day you will all have a great time (including sis) so try to ignore her and look forward to your day x

YANBU OP and I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable about the trouser thing.

They're your DNephews. Of course you don't want them in bloody jeans ffs. It's a military style wedding, very far from a casual throw on.

I think previous posters are forgetting that these nephews will be in all the big family photos etc, so it just wouldn't look right.

Why can't some people understand that the overall look very much does matter to some people?

Sweet Jesus, they're two pairs of trousers. Hardly forking out for an entire suit.

Furthermore, she was fucking rude to describe it as 'just one day'. Even though that is actually true, it's suppose to be a very special day, her DSis's day. If she feels so strongly to announce it's 'just one day', then perhaps she should give the plane a miss

If you choose to live abroad that’s fine just don’t be an arse about coming back for your sisters wedding.

arethereanyleftatall - Really? Why do you say that? If the sister posted saying 2Dsis is getting married in our home country, where she, our family, and her friends all live. Her previous husband died and I have no issues with her new DH. While I live abroad, it's not particularly far to travel, and the DC won't have to miss any school. Dsis has previously travelled the same distance for my birthday, and a lot further for my own wedding.

The wedding is going to be a smart one and all the other guests will be dressed up, lots in uniform. I asked if my DC could wear jeans or joggers to the wedding but DSis said it wasn't really appropriate. She offered to get clothes for them to borrow, or said they could wear school trousers. I can afford to buy them plain trousers I just don't want to. AIBU to moan to her and my mum about the inconvenience her wedding is causing to me?"

She'd have to significantly misrepresent the facts as OP has stated them to get 95% of people to say she was being reasonable!

Barbarian mum- WOW!!! talk about over-reading into something! Nobody has said, or even implied that, in the slightest. Surely it's completely obvious to anyone who moves any significant distance away from their family that there some disadvantages to doing so, one of which is that it will be less convenient to travel back home for significant events than if they were still living nearby. It doesn't imply anything about the person, or their decision to move, it's just a fact!

I think that the sister is labouring it a bit.

That said-there's no harm done.

She's going to be there, the kids won't be in jeans.

It's not worth getting in a bother about imo is what I meant to say.

Onceandneveragain - the sisters version wouldn't be anything like that, would it? You've done it from the op's side, which we already know.
The sisters side might be something like this;
' sister getting married for the second time in term time. She lives in a different country to me. I can't take the children out of school, so we'll have to go all the way there for one day. I can't fly cos I'm petrified so we'll have to spend most of the weekend travelling, and it's costing me a fortune. I could always say no, but my sister would have a hissy fit. Now she's dictating what my young children must wear, and they're not even part of the bridal party. I even offered to borrow clothes off a friend, but even that's not good enough. I haven't said anything at all to her yet, but aibu to tell her to swivel?'

Oh ffs, what's with the splitting hairs thing about it being overseas for her? The point is, that it's not as if the OP has deliberately picked a far-flung destination and is flouncing because people are quibbling about travelling. The sister lives abroad, and part of that means accepting that it's going to involve a bit more effort to keep up with family events. That's presumably why the OP herself travelled (much further) back from NZ when the boot was on the other foot.

Sounds to me as if she's being deliberately grumpy and awkward about it. Try not to let it spoil your plans.

YANBU! I've read most of the replies and have to laugh at what a big deal it has become. She is clearly not prioritising your wedding. She could have booked flights a year ago, probably flown Fri evening without needing to miss school, or asked to collect them slightly early. I also have not been to any weddings where people wear jeans and don't think it's a big deal to ask the boys wear a pair of trousers. I think you are right, she is annoyed about it in some way and has got herself worked up about it.

Are you dictating to all your guests about what they can / can't wear or just your sisters children?

It's your second wedding so as far as she's concerned she's been there, done that, bought the present... (at your first wedding)

Been there done that? How horrible.

Her first husband died. Why are people being such unpleasant so and so's?

My sister not bothering with clothes (jeans ffs?) feels disrespectful to us as a couple tbh.

he then “did good” and how we looked in public was always of the utmost importance.

I don’t have a “dress code” but common sense tells me that to turn up to a family wedding where the family (which you are part of) has ALWAYS looked smart in jeans is not ok.

to turn up looking presentable.

The message I am getting from your posts is that you care a lot about how they look, and that this is way, way more important to you , than whether they are actually there to share the day with you. You actually feel that this has some bearing on how much 'respect' they have for you.

For the record, this was not how I felt about my wedding. I cared a lot about who made the effort to turn up, and absolutely nothing at all about what they decided to wear. The fact that I wanted them there, and they chose to be there, was what mattered to me.

There are some clues in some of your posts about how you feel about 'external appearance' which all sounds quite sad, but doesn't change the essential fact that you care more about how they present themselves than whether they present themselves.

Mum

What a horrible thing to say.
Ops first husband died. Does that mean she should never fall in love again and have a lovely wedding to mark the occaision? Should she just have sloped off to the registrars and did it on the quiet with some random off the street as a witness so not to make a fuss?

This could be her ohs first wedding, doesnt he deserve to celebrate it however he wants to?

I have never seen nor heard of people rocking up to a full wedding ceremony in jeans and t shirt, its a special occaision, wearing a pair of plain trousers isnt much of an effort. Its not dictating anything its common courtesy.

After all the op has done for her, and she has had plenty time to organise this, she could stop whinging or just not go.

ime there is a large difference in dress required between English people and those from other countries.

I have never seen an English person not formally dressed for a wedding, but I have seen jeans (Germans), converse ( a Spanish girl, and I thought she looked wonderful and one of the only comfortable females present; i want to do it but have never dared) and speedos (South African).

YANBU

Your sister is making a fuss and trying to prove a point of some kind.

But, I would let it go now, take a deep breath and concentrate on planning the wedding!

What is wrong with some of you? The OP lost her first husband so if anything her sister should be trying harder to make this wedding somewhat special for her sister.

OP I've not read the whole thread but I saw that your first husband died, and then further down you wrote
Sometimes I feel she is pissed off she’s not going to be the only “smug married” and she doesn’t like that I am no longer on a down footer

I think most people, let alone a close family member, would be nothing but glad that you'd found love again after losing your first husband. If you suspect your sister isn't, and that she actually enjoyed being "on top" when you were grieving and widowed, then I am guessing there's a history here. Has your relationship always been difficult? I also noticed in your first post that you said your sister had been "bitching" to your mum. I wonder what your sister actually said, and I wonder what your mother's motivation was in sharing that with you, as it was hardly likely to promote family harmony!

If I'm at all on the money here, I would say you're wasting your time on AIBU. You're perhaps trying to get an impartial judgement on whether your sister's taking the piss and so you're asking strangers who don't know the history. But then people interpret what's happened in the context of their own (mainly friendly) relationships with their own family and give your sister the benefit of the doubt. If she's been a pain in the arse before, I would say feel free to judge her current behaviour in the knowledge that she does tend to act like an arse. But if I am right about all this stuff I would also advise you to lower your expectations of her (and your mum too possibly). If you want her at the wedding, try to get used to the fact that there's going to be shite and she's going to drag her heels and then at the end of the day you can say right, box ticked, sister not excluded from wedding, parents happy etc. And steer clear of her on the day - spend the day with the people who actually want to be there.

Wearing school shoes and trousers? DS3 was down to one pair of school trousers last year, which were rather scraggy at the bottom due to the number of times they got caught in his bike chain. His jeans are much smarter.

Any believe the number of people making disparaging remarks about ‘second weddings’ !!!! This is perhaps because they are still on their first and don’t realise the odds of it lasting MUCH MUCH shorter than their second.

Look on the Office for national statistics website. First marriage avg 8 yrs . Second 21....

Second marriage obviously a hugely important occasion and even more significant than the first as it’s usually ‘for keeps’

"Wearing school shoes and trousers?"

Hasn't Op already said that her sister's kids don't wear school uniform?

Mine didn't & it was usually jeans/casual trousers, so I understand them not having any smart trousers.

The OP offered her own children’s clothes but the sister declined, she also said that there wasn’t an issue with money but she didn’t want to buy clothes for just one day.

That says a lot.

YANBU

She is being a mardy arse!