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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 11:43

I travelled (drove) through Europe with 3 kids to get to her bday - the four of us enjoyed the road trip together.

Sometimes I feel she is pissed off she’s not going to be the only “smug married” and she doesn’t like that I am no longer on a down footer - I dunno.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/10/2017 11:44

She seems to be making this more difficult than it needs to be. But on the other hand, it seems quite clear to me that you don’t like her.
She’s travelling for the wedding. At great expense in both Time and €. She’s bringing 2 boys on a journey that they probably don’t want to do to an event they don’t expect to enjoy. She’s getting them trousers.
She whinged in confidence to your DM about the timing of the wedding. Your DM shouldn’t have broken that confidence.
She asked about jeans and joggers, but then made suitable arrangements when you said that jeans would be inappropriate (I agree with you - I’d be mightily hurt if someone wore jeans to my wedding).
She’s done everything you expect her to. Begrudgingly, admittedly. But What more do you want?

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 11:44

No - not Holland but close Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 11:44

She hasn’t organised outfits yet at all.

OP posts:
1900LB · 16/10/2017 11:45

You're getting such a hard time here for no reason, of course you don't dress your children in jeans for a WEDDING and I'd like to see all of the people here minimising this react to jeans at their weddings! It would ruin the photos and although you probably will be too busy to care on the day you would definitely look back and be annoyed.

There's no reason you should cater to her children's school holidays, it's your wedding and you can do it the way you like. She's being a massive PITA and it sounds as if she has everyone tappy lappying around for her but isn't prepared to put herself out for her own sister's wedding.

Try your best to ignore her and enjoy your day.

RosieBucket · 16/10/2017 11:45

Choosing to go down the ferry route is being a pain in the arse and deliberate

She might have an extremely good reason for not wanting to fly.
I don't see how it can be seen as an attempt to be a deliberate pain in the arse. Perhaps she's figured it would be quicker to bring the car over on the ferry than piss about with trains and public transport once she gets here. Everybody will be far too busy to pick her up.
Not everybody lives within 50 miles of an airport.

Ambonsai · 16/10/2017 11:47

Gazelda- I'm sure what the OP wants is for the sister to be happy for her, that's all.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/10/2017 11:50

I hear you OP. And I totally know what you mean about being a country that doesn't do dressing up.

I think the best thing you can do now is just drop your shoulders, et it all go because she'll do what she's going to do, regardless of what you want (probably BECAUSE of what you want!). Tell your mom to stop telling you about her moaning and concentrate on enjoying your wedding. In the grand scheme of things the nephews trews won't really matter in the end.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/10/2017 11:51

*let

GabsAlot · 16/10/2017 11:51

dos sh not lik flying or the kids maybe?

just ignore her but idont see the problem with kids wearing jeans if u want a dress code just say so

TitaniasCloset · 16/10/2017 11:53

If guests could not be bothered to dress themselves and their children properly for my wedding I just wouldn't want them there. For me that's part of the fun of the day and makes it special.

Yanbu OP, your sister is and I can't get my head around the silly nitpicking posts on here. Really don't understand the posts you are getting here. I'm sure in RL these same people would feel exactly like you do. Perhaps it's a comprehension problem, or they just woke up today in a pissy mood.

Children have to learn that there is a time and a place for certain clothes, actually most children do understand that and enjoy dressing up, it's ridiculous adults like your sister that make the problem.

TitaniasCloset · 16/10/2017 11:57

Also a family wedding is a perfectly valid reason to take a child out of school. Those of you insisting that your child stays in school no matter what is going on are quite frankly a bit weird. What is that really about for you?

TitaniasCloset · 16/10/2017 12:00

Weddings already do have an assumed dress code. The only time you would inform your guests is if you are doing something different, everyone in pink or something. Just check the style and beauty threads her, so many 'is this suitable for a wedding?' Posts. We all know what traditional wedding attire is without thinking.

ExConstance · 16/10/2017 12:01

younger children quite often wear jeans to weddings, mine always did, with nice casual but nicely ironed shirts, they looked fine.

WitchesHatRim · 16/10/2017 12:02

Those of you insisting that your child stays in school no matter what is going on are quite frankly a bit weird. What is that really about for you?

So those that don't agree with you are weird?

You also don't know what the laws are where the DC are.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 12:03

I have never been to a wedding where anyone wore jeans.

OP posts:
IvorHughJarrs · 16/10/2017 12:04

Only on Mumsnet would you get such ridiculous and confrontational answers OP

YANBU, jeans are not suitable wedding attire unless it is specified. Your sister is being an awkward dick and I would be tempted to make your next reply to her "If the wedding is not important enough for you to want to fit in with everybody else it may be better for you to withdraw"

KoalaD · 16/10/2017 12:06

Incidentally, bloody glad I don't live somewhere where one day off school is a big drama. So restrictive and weird.

ludog · 16/10/2017 12:06

I can't believe some of the responses here given that "your wedding, your choice" is practically gospel round here. I've seen people with tiny exclusively breastfed infants being told they abu to suggest asking if they can bring said infant along to a child free wedding, yet OP feeling miffed because of her sister's begrudging and frankly bizarre attitude means she is unreasonable? On the taking kids out of school topic, every time I read it here I am relieved that I live in a country that views important family occasions as important and as part of the overall holistic development of a child and that trusts parents to make the correct decisions for their children.
OP congratulations and I hope you and stbdh have a long and happy future together. Try and not get sucked into your sister's antics and, as we say in this neck of the woods "F**k the begrudgers"!!!

Hillarious · 16/10/2017 12:06

Your sister is being a martyr because you're allowing her to be one. If her children's appearance is less than respectable, it's a reflection on her rather than you. Children pre-secondary school age in jeans isn't really worth all the stress and bother it's causing you, OP.

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 16/10/2017 12:09

My vote goes to Bridezilla.

She's travelling in the middle of the school year, alone, with two children. Getting them outfits so that your wouldn't be offended by a sight of a child in jeans Confused And you call her a cow online.

If your sister reads this thread, I hope she decides not to attend the wedding. I am always shocked at what some people think is appropriate; like getting married gives you the right to be obnoxious to everyone cause it's "your special day".

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 12:11

She isn’t travelling alone ... Hmm

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 16/10/2017 12:11

Now for some reason I need to know where your sisters lives, Belgium?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/10/2017 12:12

I think you need to offload the responsibility onto your parents. Tell them the issue and ask for their help in dealing with her.

It's your wedding, don't let her distract you from it.

I have similar issues with a family member; it is attention seeking behaviour. I refuse to engage.

Fuckoffee · 16/10/2017 12:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP but you need to approach this in a different way. At the moment your back is up and your sister is being awkward.

My sister tried something similar for my wedding. Everything I suggested clothes wise for her and her family was wrong (they were all part of the wedding party). I dealt with it by saying you know what, I don't care what you all wear, I'm just glad that you are going to be there supporting me on my big day. After that the turn around of her attitude was immense. And she suddenly started being helpful too! I presume I'd made her feel dicated to and unimportant at some stage. When she realised her being there was important to me, she changed her attitude.
It may not work for you but it's maybe worth a go?
Good luck for your wedding, I hope it's a wonderful day x