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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

154 replies

QueenAmongstMen · 15/10/2017 22:36

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 15/10/2017 22:38

Only you know your marriage. Sounds like you'd see one another a lot. Would you consider visiting him there too?

Odoreida · 15/10/2017 22:39

My friends are doing this right now, it seems fine. They are speaking all the time and seeing each other the same amount as you describe. My friend who is staying in UK has a high-pressure job and is enjoying the solo down time. And they are REALLY pleased to see each other when they do.

GraciesMansion · 15/10/2017 22:42

My now dh spent the year before we were married living in Japan whilst I stayed here. He came home for two weeks at Easter and I spent five weeks there in the summer. It was very hard and probably not the best preparation for marriage!! However we are still happily married 18 years later.

I think you have to have a really strong relationship for it to work but I don’t think it’s undoable.

FAkenameforthis · 15/10/2017 22:43

Only you can make this choice.

I would go because I’d love the experience of living somewhere else, even if that wasn’t always easy. Some friends wouldn’t. You know yourself and your family.

FenceSitter01 · 15/10/2017 22:43

Yes, it's do-able. Think armed forces or oil rigger or pipeline worker etc. In a previous life lots of colleagues posted abroad in finance, partners may or may not go depending on schooling. You just plan your holiday time accordingly, with careful planning you should be able to long weekend with each other every 5-6 weeks, which is reasonable. I have friends teaching all over the ME, some took partners, some chose not/couldnt go (the unmarried ones).

Does he get any perks like super inflated tax free wages? If so send him for 5 years Grin

Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 15/10/2017 22:47

It's lovely to have such positive replies regarding people that it's worked out for. My brother' friend is in the Army and is away from his wife and children for extended periods year after year and their marriage is just fine (well it appears to be anyway).

Does he get any perks like super inflated tax free wages? If so send him for 5 years

Haha - that's the main reason he wants to go!!

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 15/10/2017 22:49

Friends of ours did this over a 2 year period. He had a posting abroad and she had a great job in the UK she didn't want to leave it. It worked fine. They missed each other obviously but when they did see each other it was amazing! (apparently).

And ( while money isn't everything of course) bear in mind that wages out there are usually really good and you can save for the future.

deepestdarkestperu · 15/10/2017 22:50

What if he wanted to stay longer? Would you be happy to do this for longer than a year?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/10/2017 22:51

I wouldn't personally.

We have friends without children did this and the strain was too much and they ended up divorced.

If you have children then I can't see why you (as in one) would choose to leave them for a year.

FortyFacedFuckers · 15/10/2017 22:54

I would do this but my only worry would be that he enjoyed it there and wanted to stay longer.

LadyGrey66 · 15/10/2017 22:55

Yes, I have done this, and while it was difficult at times you also really miss each other so the time you have together is extra-special. Communication is so easy these days, and it sounds like he'll be back a lot. I would go for it.

Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 15/10/2017 22:55

If you have children then I can't see why you (as in one) would choose to leave them for a year

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. I'm just trying to think of a solution Sad

OP posts:
Blinkingblimey · 15/10/2017 23:07

We seriously considered doing this when oh was offered silly money for a job in a far flung place...job didn't come off in the end but we would have done it for a couple of years (& been mortgage free by the end)....and I would've been at home with 3 young kids!!

WooWooSister · 15/10/2017 23:07

It really depends on your relationship. My BIL worked abroad for a year and it nearly broke his and DSIS' marriage. DSIS felt he'd made himself dispensable and his visits home were disruptive rather than enjoyable.
My friend's DH travels a lot and it's put immense pressure on their relationship.
But otoh, my other friend did it and their marriage was fine.

Mrscaindingle · 15/10/2017 23:07

We did this, partly due to there being such a lack of jobs in the UK at the height of the credit crunch in 2011/12

The problem was my exH enjoyed it so much he didn't come back, well not for another 3 1/2 years, he met someone else out there, although obviously denied this for as long as he could. He became very detached from the DC and still is really even now that he's back as he moved to another city.

It really depends on your marriage and you know it best, now with the benefit of hindsight I think it would have happened to us anyway even if he hadn't gone abroad but it definitely made it easier for him.

GabsAlot · 15/10/2017 23:09

sounds ok to me you'd see each other quite a bit still will be like the honymoon perio again

ElizabethDarcey · 15/10/2017 23:09

No - not if there are kids involved. You don't get to bugger off abroad and leave your kids just because you fancy a taste of another life. Awful.

C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 23:10

When my dh was out of work and struggling to find anything we looked into this ourselves. It wouldnt have bothered me at all. as long as the wage was great

Ellendegeneres · 15/10/2017 23:10

Oh boy. No kids involved, I'd say go for it. If you've got kids though... I couldn't support it.

JaniceBattersby · 15/10/2017 23:12

I'd consider it for a year only if we didn't have children.

With children, there's no way I'd even consider it and I'd be pretty disappointed that he could think of spending a year away from his children tbh.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/10/2017 23:12

If he does do it, I don't think coming back that often is a great idea. He needs holiday time out there to have a god look around and actually live there. Unless, of course, it's only the money he's interested in.

What's he like at being in his own? Some people are fine, others are not. People that are not, are easily swayed to find company. That company may be female...

It depends on so many things. Why he wants to go, if there's another place you'd happily go or if you'd go withnhim when the kids are older/left home.

But UAE - I wouldn't go there, I wouldn't take the kids there, not even for a holiday. No way.

Ellendegeneres · 15/10/2017 23:12

If there are indeed kids, I say he should have got this out of his system before having dc, it's immensely selfish to go abroad for a year and have you shoulder full responsibility with no support from him.

parietal · 15/10/2017 23:13

there are plenty of industries where it happens often & people make it work. sort out regular skype times & book the visits home well in advance.

Longdistance · 15/10/2017 23:15

I would. Though my Dh was positioned in Oz, miles away it was a little difficult. If he was closer, I would have said 'go, and we'll visit xyz time, and you visit us xyz time'.

I lived in Oz for 2 years, though yes it was living in another country, I hated it, and became resentful to the point we nearly divorced as we ended up in councilling with him.

It is a gamble to move and be a trailing spouse, it can end in tears like it did with my sil and many of her friends whom are now divorced.

expatinscotland · 15/10/2017 23:16

My dad had to do this during a recession as my sister was in crucial exam years in high school (and also she'd lose her residency entitlement to lower tuition fees at uni). He didn't want to, it was pretty much a necessity, however. He was able to come back often enough. He had to do it for about 3 years. I would have zero desire to go to the UAE, tbh.

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