To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

[QueenAmongstMen]

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

I'm with the others, no school is going to offer three flights a year (very few people get that and they tend to be senior professionals with a lot of recruiting power) and school contracts are for two years. Most schools aren't going to tie him down to stay but he will not be popular if ye goes after one year.

I also disagree it's going to be great money, particularly if he'd be in effect living a single life in Dubai. He might make GBP 3k a month (more likely less) which is good money but your costs at home are only going to reduce minimally (or possibly increase if you now need holiday childcare). As a teacher, he's presumably already taking home 2k plus and that extra 1k a month will get eaten very very quickly in Dubai, even with no housing costs. He'll be spending the best part of £400 on utilities and phone/internet as a start. The flights to see you and for you guys to have one visit out will take up a good proportion of it. If he only stays a year (or if he only stays two even) I'd expect your end up with a net loss compared to him staying.

Also agree with the others - last summer holiday was a really long one but it was still only two and a half months not three and less for the teachers.

That said, if he's miserable in his job then you need to work with him to find a solution. Are there really no options closer to home where he might be able to weekend commute?

To add, contrary to a previous poster the vast majority of couples I know are still together. That said, where one partner is at home with the family and the other in the UAE I'd say 50% split. You have to have a very strong relationship to survive living such completely different lives.

I would only suggest it if the money he would earn would make a life changing difference (eg being mortgage free, or almost). I don't think it is worth the sacrifice just so he can live abroad / not resent you.

Are you against ever living abroad or is it just now / not the UAE? Life is long and there are opportunities in the future eg when kids have left home?

He'll be UK tax resident if he spends anywhere near that amount of time back in the UK each year - especially if the rest of you don't move. The people I know that live in the ME very carefully count their UK days in order to avoid UK tax levels.

He'll be UK tax resident

I did wonder about this.

Can anyone explain it to the OP?

Echoing the other ME ladies.
3 flights a year is unheard of.
1 year contracts are rare. And you are unlikely to bring home big money in that time. The first 6 months were quits. It was only after that the savings started coming in. And if he leaves after 9 months....

Our school holidays are 2 weeks Xmas, 1 week Easter, 3 DAYS are half terms (ie 3 long weekends over the whole year). Our summer is long. Finish mid June. No idea about Sept start date yet. Usually mid August. Suspect that will slip to early Sept due to Eid. We had a 13 week summer holiday this year.

I can't remember how old your kids are. Most people either come over with young kids, and start leaving middle of KS2, or wait til the kids are at uni, and come over. Several people do both - and spend the middle years back home.

Pineapple, you are right. You need to spend a full TAX year out to not get caught as non resident. And less than ???90??? Days in the country.
So unless he does 2 years, you will get taxed on the lot. Great call!

This is why MN is so good - there are so many knowledgable people on here about things I wouldn't have even considered. Thanks everyone for your input, thoughts and experiences.

This responses to this thread have made me see that suggesting he goes along isn't a simple solution and could cause a lot of issues both financially and to our marriage.

After I told him I didn't want to move abroad a few weeks ago we agreed that he could look further afield for jobs in the U.K. and I would also do the same so there were more options for him which we have both been doing. I did discuss with him the other day a few jobs I'd seen in a London hospital in case he wanted to look at schools in the surrounding areas so that's currently what he's considering. I think it's just going to be difficult for us both to find jobs we're happy with in a location we're both happy with too. There's going to have to be some form of sacrifice/compromise somewhere.

Why is life never simple?

Many people in this oil and gas and engineering sector so one month on one month off . And it works for some people

Other couples are away most weeks Monday to Friday , and frequently weekends too

I think it can make many marriages a lot stronger - but it does mean their career tales precedence over yours

Oh it's China man ! Meh let him go and get this mad notion out of his head . Really sometimes thats what it takes otherwise he will be here miserably bleating for on for perpetuity frankly

Myself & my husband are both serving in the military & often spend large chunks of time (months) apart. We only see each other of a weekend normally anyway as we work 100miles apart through the week. We have 1 DS & another on the way.

It really comes down to how strong your marriage is, trust & good communication.

We have made it work for us, I won't pretend that it's always easy but what relationship/marriage is. While it does take some time adjusting at first probably more for your DC than anyone. It is however only for a year & you might actually find that strangely it brings you closer together as you will be more grateful of each other & the quality time you actually get to spend together.

Do however consider the impact this will have on your DC especially if you plan to move in with your parents as it sounds like a lot of change for them. For my DS he was born into our way of life & deals with the separation from his dad (& at times from me) very well as this is the way it's always been & he is very resilient due to the separation & the moving around we do.

I'm like your DH & wish to live/work abroad although it isn't really something my DH is as keen on & if my DH 'stopped' me I think I would grow to resent him, which can't be healthy for any marriage! I am lucky enough however that my DH has agreed to move with me in the future for a period of time.

Anyway I hope you make the decision that is right for you & your family! Good luck

Oh it's China man

No. Thats just a consideration

*He'll be UK tax resident

I did wonder about this.

Can anyone explain it to the OP?*

This is a v good point and I totally missed this. As a UK resident you have to pay UK tax on your global income. As a non-UK resident you only pay UK tax on your UK income. (e.g. I live in HK and am therefore non-UK resident. I pay HK tax on my HK salary but not UK tax. I do however still have to pay UK tax on any profit from renting UK property or UK investments)

Therefore, even if Dubai has zero income tax, your DH would still be liable for UK tax on it if he failed to convince the IR he was non-UK resident. If you and DC still in UK and it's a one or even two year contract he would find it very hard to persuade them he's non-resident as he would fail the "significant ties" test big time.

My ex husband did this and myself and our children followed two months later.

We were in Sharjah, UAE.

Money was great and in hindsight the only good thing about it.

People saying if kids are involved no. It's not a full year. He's not going to go and not see them at all for a year. He gets to come back for periods of time and op could go and visit him with the children.
There are plenty of people in the army that are away for periods of time plenty of people on oil rigs etc.
My dh works away usually Monday to Friday past 2 months we've seen him 2 days out of a month because he's working abroad. You adapt to it and so long as you make the most of the time you have together it's fine. The kids adapt very easily.

If your marriage is strong then I'd say go for it if you're both happy with it. Also with Skype and FaceTime and things they can see and talk to him everyday that way too

Why are you the one doing all the work here? Your DH hates his current school but why does that necessitate a big move for you all?

Why are you looking elsewhere in the UK when one of the reasons you cited you didn't want to leave relate to your job?

You seem to be bending over backwards for his pipe dreams. Yes he is unhappy but he needs to be realistic and not just have this pie in the sky dreams.

You seem very worried he will resent you but I guarantee you will resent him if you do move. It works both ways. You need to come to terms with your own line in the sand.

Used to work brilliantly for me & my ex.

You get the best of both worlds. Go for it

My initial reaction was 'no' but then other posters mentioned the fact that people do this all the time - armed forces, oil rig workers, etc. I once knew a couple where he worked on a submarine and would be gone for nine months of the year without the opportunity to visit each other.

So I've changed my mind and 'yes', I think this can be made to work.

Forgot about the tax point! Yes he has to spend one full tax year out (so April to March) or he has to pay UK tax on his overseas earnings. Also he can do a max of 90 non-working days in the UK (or 30 working, and that includes reading an email in theory). That's over simplifying a bit so anyone on the edges should take advice!

I think it's a good plan. If it's a good relationship, it will survive the separation.
When DH and I first got together he was back in Australia for 9m in a year, doing his degree (mature student). He came back twice a year. He did this for 3 years, and then settled with me in the UK for a couple of years, before we moved to Australia permanently.

Not suggesting that you should move to UAE permanently, of course, just explaining what happened with us! but the point was that we managed 3 years of him being away quite a lot of the time.

New did this for a year while I finished uni (I was mature student), I stayed with two dc’s and he lived in the UAE, but I was on the plane the morning after I finished my degree (sold the house, packed up etc). Had a great 3 years there after 😄

NEw-we

So I've changed my mind and 'yes', I think this can be made to work

With tax implications and the fact the OP's DH tried to sell her this based on the wrong information about contracts and tickets/visits home the reality is very different to what the OP has said in her opening post.

It would probably be two years and one paid for visit home in the summer of each year with the family finances having to cover any other visits home he made or the OP made to see him with the children. There would be high living costs in the UAE even if he didn't live the Dubai life and they would in fact be worse off every month so DH could go and experience living abroad.

I think that for me what sticks out most is that the DH tried to sell this to the OP based on him not even having done his homework. Its an awful situation to have put her in in the first place, and its even worse for the OP now because she's had to find out the facts and go back to him and look like the spanner in the works.

He's basically turned the house OP upside down on an ill thought out idea. I couldn't take the man seriously.

This is China man from a few weeks ago?

Ignoring your specifics - yes a couple can live apartment and it can work. A defined end date is good. Two years is probably the max I’d want to go just seeing each other at holidays.

We did 2 years apart about 8 years ago and in a way it was good - I did whatever I wanted during the 3 months apart then we would see each other for a holiday. I did get a bit sick of it towards the end tho, and no children to consider.

In your specifics - I’m not sure t would work because he doesn’t like he is realistic in life, he isn’t doing any research or anything.

My dad worked abroad on and off for years when DB and I were kids and DM stayed in UK with us. Was the best financial choice and did wonders for dad’s career. We kids did fine (mum was SAH) and their marriage is still very strong to this day. Can be an excellent choice as long as both partners are strong and independent but 100% committed to each other and the family. Dad came home as often as he could and we had some great holidays going to stay with him.