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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

154 replies

QueenAmongstMen · 15/10/2017 22:36

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

OP posts:
Austentatious · 16/10/2017 08:05

I know several people who do this , all in UAE or Saudi because the rewards are so great for engineering etc but the lifestyle is not appealing for families. The husbands are over every couple of months, the family go out october/ Feb half term and easter. If he's over for 3 months in the summer, I'd say do it.

Witsender · 16/10/2017 08:09

Tbh, isn't this something that he has always said he wanted to do, and it is only now that you have kids etc you are so dead set against? I only ask because from your previous thread that is how it sounded, and to my mind doesn't make him the selfish arse some posters thought he was early on.

A lot of my friends are in yachting and therefore spend a lot of time away...the best deal of a bad bunch is 2 months on and 2 off, most are just away and come back when they can. They crack on, deal with it for the money etc. It wouldn't suit me, I've done it pre kids. However many of them wouldn't swap for our smaller house and old car, so they probably think we are mad too.

LazySusan11 · 16/10/2017 08:13

I work away from my dh on a month on month off basis. Works fine for us (no children between us, none of my own) we’ve done this for 10 years.

NorksAkimbo72 · 16/10/2017 08:17

We did it...sort of. Went abroad as a family for DH's job, and were all there together for 18 months. DH and I decided that DCs and I would return home, due to school and work stuff for me, and he would stay to finish out his work there. We lived apart for 8 months...he came home once a month or so, we travelled to him once when DCs were off school.
I would say, all of us going was a great experience...DCs flourished under the change! The separation was challenging, but we knew our relationship was strong enough to handle it. Skype made things easier...DCs talked to him every night. It was harder for him...he is an equal parent, so it was difficult for him to be missing out, but we managed. Good luck...it isn't easy!

KERALA1 · 16/10/2017 08:22

If he was that passionate about the whole travel / live overseas thing why did he not do this early twenties pre family like everyone else?

MGKROCKS · 16/10/2017 08:25

I really like that idea...can you sell it to my dh?

OuaisMaisBon · 16/10/2017 08:28

This might help? www.expertsforexpats.com/expat-tax/expat-tax-advice/

Tsundoku · 16/10/2017 08:31

I think your DH needs to understand that he's missed the window for a suitcase move - that point in your life when you can pick up and start over somewhere else, with relatively little fuss and low stakes, usually in your twenties. It's a shame he's missed out, but that's just how it is. He has a family now, and leaving you to raise his kids for a year (and that's what it'll be: Skyping and holidays are about staying in touch, not day-to-day parenting) while you incur double household costs is incredibly self-indulgent.

One red flag is he doesn't even seem to be approaching this in a practical, realistic way. The tax thing is a big issue. The contract length, the number of free flights, the cost of all this - don't get sucked into glossing over all the details and 'we'll make it work', when it's you and your kids who will play a large part in facilitating this. He gets his adventure. You get absences, extra costs, a compromised family life.

What is the long-term plan here? Is he really going to return to the UK after one year? It seems more likely that a) he'll have a great time and not want to leave, or b) he'll come back with his grass-is-greener expectations disappointed, and be more resentful and lost than ever.

I worked overseas for ten years, in Asia, Europe and America, and the bitterest, grumpiest expats were the ones who'd moved to get away from something: England's shit, I hate my job, everything will be better somewhere else. They'd often moved without even particularly caring where they went, and with little consideration for the actual job. After an ecstatic honeymoon stage, they could usually be found propping up the bar explaining why this country was shit and they hated their job. I know people who've hopped from country to country for years doing this, without ever noticing that the common denominator in all these crap countries and impossible employer is them.

So I wouldn't be particularly surprised if, after a year in UAE/China, your DH is vocal about the shortcomings of that country and job, but... Australia/Japan/Brazil, that's where he needs to be, and you'll be back to square one.

SecretSmellies · 16/10/2017 08:32

It does depend on your relationship.

My BF' s now-husband did this. He did not have children with his first wife, nor did she work, so there was on the faceof it nothing to keep her in the UK. But she refused to go away with him to Geneva when he got a 12 month contract there because she did not want to go.

It wasn't the nail in the coffin, but brought into sharp relief that the marriage was quite unstable.

Only you know how strong you are as a couple.

SecretSmellies · 16/10/2017 08:33

(PS- the 12month contract turned into 4years....it's very common for these things to be extended).

Allthewaves · 16/10/2017 08:34

I think it depends if your an independent person. My dh works away and yes it's hard but even pre kids I had loads of child free friends so always someone to hang out with at the weekends etc

GrumpyOldBag · 16/10/2017 08:35

DH did this. A year turned into 18 months. He was an 8-hour plane ride away with a 7-hour time difference, but we still saw him every couple of months and had 2 amazing holidays in the place where he worked at the expense of his employers.

It was a bit tough for me at home on my own sometimes (especially when the central heating broke down mid-winter!) but we managed. That was about 5 years ago now, the kids barely remember it and I think it was beneficial for everyone.

User843022 · 16/10/2017 08:39

'If he was that passionate about the whole travel / live overseas thing why did he not do this early twenties pre family like everyone else'

Exactly. I've seen you are now rethinking and won't encourage it which is good. I worked in the middle East for a few years pre DC when single and ime all expats with families back home lived bachelor lives. Different with off shore workers and military but the lifestyle in the middle East is all parties and socialising. I was quite repelled to see so many middle aged men with families back home behaving like they were on a club 18- 30 holiday.

GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2017 08:42

There are lots of things you can't easily do once you are married with DCs and want to stay married with DCs. Running away abroad is just one of them.

He needs to work out what it is about this life he is unhappy about and take steps to fix it permanently. Running away won't fix things if he doesn't really know what is broken.

JustMarriedBecca · 16/10/2017 08:45

We did it pre kids. He was essentially somewhere with poor email too (think jungle) and the wifi and Skype was intermittent. I could visit him either as it was a private plane type affair to get there. He came home for two weeks every 6 weeks so 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off. And it was fine. Never thought about it much to be honest.

I think it helped he had no choice whereas this sounds like a jolly by choice.

Wouldn't do it with kids.

tinypop4 · 16/10/2017 08:50

only you know if this would work for you. This scenario arose for us when DH was offered a year in Singapore. I didn't want to go, I was terrified of the whole idea and put up a lot of barriers even suggesting he went on his own - he didn't want to and we had young kids.

In the end I went - it was hard and nerve wracking but the experience changed my life and we ended up staying a bit longer too.
I don't know the reasons you don't want to go, and if you really don't want to then you shouldn't but even if you are 50/50 you might have an amazing time if you gave it a go, and it's only a year.

TheHoundsofLove · 16/10/2017 08:52

Forces/oil rig workers having to be away or, even, deciding to take a 12 month contract for a company you already work for are, IMO, entirely different to one parent of very young children actively seeking out a job that takes them away for a year. They really are 2 totally different things. The former is part of a life that you have chosen to be part of together, whereas the latter could lead to all sorts of problems, not least a feeling of real resentment from you OP.

juneau · 16/10/2017 09:00

I think YOU have to let this go OP. He's done so (to his credit, IMO), so stop kicking the hornet's nest FGS. You have already come to a compromise as a couple, so why not focus on that? As you say, it could take a while for both of you to find something new that works for you both and encouraging him to go abroad when he's already given up that idea doesn't strike me as wise at all. Living apart is hard and for most people it really isn't great for their marriage. Sometimes it's necessary and unavoidable, but since in your case it would be a choice I wouldn't even go there. Why put your marriage through this potential trial when you've already agreed to try something much less drastic? Let it go. You can both travel and spend extended periods abroad when you no longer have young DC dependent on you.

The80sweregreat · 16/10/2017 09:05

Hi, i have moved around in the past with Dh's job, one assignment i did not enjoy at all and one I did. Not where your dh is going though!
If you have children your idea might be a better one, i moved children around and now wish that i hadn't, but hindsight and all that is a wonderful thing.
sorry to not be much help, but maybe give long distance a go and see how things pan out maybe? lots of people have to do this and there isnt any point you going if your not going to enjoy the experience or be miserable.

GoodForgetter · 16/10/2017 09:06

Some friends of mine did this. They saw each other a reasonable amount, Skyped everyday.
She said it was hard - 2 secondary aged kids and a toddler - but she has local family to help.
Financially though, it seems it was worth the short term hardship. it's been the difference they needed to get straight.
They do have a strong marriage and family.

Only you know if it could work for you though.

whiskyowl · 16/10/2017 09:10

What worries me about this is how much you seem to be scared of his resentment.

Does he have form for sulking/punishing you for decisions? Because in every relationship, there are all sorts of compromises that have to be made, and most adults just get on with doing that without inflicting rage/disappointment on their nearest and dearest.

1190scaredy · 16/10/2017 09:33

All teaching contracts in UAE are 2 years not 1 year. So it would unlikely to be an option. Equally the pay is not that great, the cost of living is expensive and they certainly won't pay for 3 flights a year home. Maybe up to 3 family members, but not 3 tickets for him.

Puppylucky · 16/10/2017 09:40

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has been mentioned before but coming home as frequently as has been suggested is not an option if your husband wants to keep his tax free wages. To avoid paying UK tax on money earned anywhere else in the world you need to cut your ties pretty substantially with the UK - including limiting the time you spend there to something like 40 days a year - as well as stay out of the UK for a full tax year. If your H doesn't do this his UAE earnings will be taxed at UK rates

bluenomad · 16/10/2017 09:51

It depends on your relationship. For me, I'd miss DH too much and I'd hate going for weeks without sex! I would consider going abroad for a few years as a family for the experience, but I wouldn't want to go the the UAE. China, the US or Europe maybe.

AGoodCupOfTea · 16/10/2017 12:14

My husband works in the Middle East while I’m at home. If it’s only for 12 months then Just do it, I wouldn’t up and leave for only 12 months anyway.

I find I have my own routine at home, and it’s nice when we do see each other because we get a good two weeks to spend with each other.