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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

154 replies

QueenAmongstMen · 15/10/2017 22:36

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

OP posts:

IncieWincie · 15/10/2017 23:16

A year will go by in no time and your husband will be saying half way through it that he’d like to stay longer because a year isn’t long enough.

OP, and just so you are aware - the UAE is rife with young women from certain countries looking for the chance of a better life regardless of how they go about getting it.

NotTheFordType · 15/10/2017 23:19

Fuck yes. You both get to shag other people without repercussion of the norm-world?! hell yes!

MrsLupo · 15/10/2017 23:28

Are you the MNetter who posted the other week about a possible move to China that you really didn't want?

PavlovianLunge · 15/10/2017 23:31

It’s a bit different, but I have married friends, she’s French, he’s English. They met and lived in London, and have been married for 35 years. When their son was 5, she and the child went to live in France for his education; he stayed in the UK. It’s worked for them; even though they still live in different countries, they see each frequently, and get on as well now as they ever did. I’ve no doubt that the distance presented them with challenges, but I’ve never seen any sign that living as they do has undermined their relationship.

Ultimately, only you can decide if this is right for you, but these things can work, and for what’s it’s worth, it’s something I would have been willing to try, if the possibility had ever arisen.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/10/2017 23:37

No, I wouldn't unless it was the only option of employment.

To me, having a family means both parents living with the children unless there is a very good reason why not. I can't imagine either dh or I sacrificing daily family life. But we had kids older and had plenty of time to be independent and carefree so it's not something we've considered.

MrsLupo · 15/10/2017 23:39

Because, if so, imho your DCs are too small for this to be a very good idea for your family either short or long term, plus tbh it did sound rather as though your DH was running away from an admittedly toxic work situation without really thinking things through.

VinoTime · 15/10/2017 23:39

UAE? You couldn't pay me to move anywhere near it.

I don't see the harm in suggesting it, OP. I know two couples who are currently living apart like this - both husbands in the UAE and both with wives who said: HELL NO!

ElizabethDarcey · 15/10/2017 23:42

The OP has said they have kids.

Should have been mentioned in your OP, OP. It's really important.

justilou1 · 15/10/2017 23:45

I know both sides to this story - plus I have lived overseas with my family for 8.5 years as well. Honestly it depends on you - your self-confidence, your ability to communicate with husband, what's going on in your life, etc.... as well as your husband. Yes, some husbands decide that they are single again and play up. Many do not. I have never lived in the Middle East and my husband has turned down a job there because we honestly didn't think the lifestyle would suit us as a family. There are so many things to weigh up, I suggest you do a pros and cons list.

Phryne · 15/10/2017 23:51

I've lived in a different country from my OH a couple of times for up to 18 months (we're from different countries, been together over 13 years now) and it worked, and we're fine, but it is also a shit thing to have to do. It will test your relationship to the breaking point, and many relationships do snap under the pressure.

I can understand why you don't want to uproot your kids to move abroad, and UAE in particular is a challenging place to live, but I wouldn't suggest he go without me for a year unless I was OK with the idea that (a) he might like it and stay, and then I'd go out after he'd properly tested it (six months, e.g.); (b) he might not come back; or (c) I might not want him back. If you want to road-test a separation for other reasons, this would be a good way to do it!

And that's without getting into whether he wants to leave his kids behind...!

Saracen · 15/10/2017 23:57

I was all ready to say yes, fine. But

not where there are kids involved, no. Children shouldn't have to spend so much time away from a parent. (I know that many parents DO spend long stretches away from their kids, but it must be very painful for the children.)

How can he look his children in the eye and explain that he rather fancied living abroad for a year, and this fun experience was more important to him than seeing them?

It's okay for you. You are an adult and a year is not so long to you as it is to a child. Besides, you have choices. You can choose to go with him. You can choose to stay home without him. You can choose to tell him, "Look, I really don't want you to go." But for a kid, a year is like forever, and they don't have any choice.

I really can't believe you didn't mention the children in your OP.

MrsLupo · 16/10/2017 00:07

What did you mean by I'm pretty sure he wouldn't, OP? Do you mean you're going to invite him to go alone - as a compromise - but you're kind of counting on him not to? I think you're taking a big risk if so, and would do better to come right out and tell him you really don't want this and think it's a bad idea. If you're the poster I think you are, you were kind of hoping that inviting him to send CVs out would be enough to get it out of his system, and now look where you are.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/10/2017 00:18

There are loads of people on MN who don't have children, but given it's a parenting website, I think the default assumption should be that a poster has children, she shouldn't have to write it in her OP.

Mintychoc1 · 16/10/2017 00:22

OP are you the poster whose DH wanted to move to China? Couldn't he just find somewhere a bit nearer, Europe maybe, to satisfy his wanderlust?

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/10/2017 00:24

Look seriously into what rights and freedoms you would have, what legal standing you would have if you were attacked or if anything at all went wrong - I would be extremely cautious about moving to the ME. If he wants to go that much, better for him to go and you to stay in the UK, unless you actually really want to go there.

annandale · 16/10/2017 00:32

I would be quite afraid that I'd never want to live with DH again if we did this. Hard to say as it will never happen but I can't really imagine happily cohabiting again after a whole year of running my life myself. I think the children would miss him a LOT as well.

milliemolliemou · 16/10/2017 00:39

Does he know what he's going to? has he researched the UAE? is he insured? Does he know the political situation there and what he may or may not do? Does his firm have an advisory service? or is he going solo in which case he needs to be careful to protect himself.

As would anyone going to any country, but the Gulf States and Saudi Arabia are very tense now.

Otherwise I'd suggest you go with him - chance of a lifetime. Can you not take leave of absence and find out what you could possibly do out there?

allthingslipsticks · 16/10/2017 00:59

Ah, I think you are the OP who posted about your DH potentially going for a teaching job in the Far East?

It will really depend on how you think your husband will get on in the UAE. There are a million and one ways to spend your hard earned cash. The way everything is set up there is designed for people to just spend, spend, spend. Prices on most things are inflated highly due to zero income tax and imports. It's a choice really - you live it up and spend most of what your earn or have an iron will and save, but not do so much. Not many people I know have done the latter.

As for teaching locals in the international schools there - bloody nightmare to teach!

whatwouldrondo · 16/10/2017 01:06

Yup, did it. He is now my ex, still living in the country he went to for a year. Our 21 year olds (with different partners) were born months apart. Funny thing is that since then, I was in my 20s worried about career, flat etc. I have gone to live overseas with a different partner and loved it so much that I went on to study the culture etc. and consultancy on doing business there is now my career. Not likely with UAE which is I gather full of footballers wives aka Jumeirah Janes (not to mention all the trophy Nikitas from Eastern Europe out to bag a western husband) so I doubt you even have to touch the sides of middle eastern culture. But with an open mind you might find it an adventure that will change your life, or you stay at home, stagnate and wonder why your husband has changed......

oldlaundbooth · 16/10/2017 01:07

DH could go with pleasure.

No way I'd go live in the UAE with the kids.

He can go and make a fortune and bring it back.

Original poster

QueenAmongstMen · 16/10/2017 01:43

Sorry for not mentioning the children, it wasn't intentional.

Just to clarify this isn't something my DH has suggested or considered, it's all me. Last week we came to the decision we weren't going to move abroad, he understood I didn't want to, he accepted that and he hast mentioned it since.

The concept of him going alone is something I have been thinking about, he doesn't know it's something that I'm considering suggesting and I don't know how he would react if I did put the idea forward,

I'm pretty sure he'd say no because he wouldn't want to be away from the children or split the family up but I want him to know that if really does want to work abroad for a year then I support him even if I don't want to go myself.

I fully expected to hear of marriages that don't survive it because it must be a huge strain, I think I just feel guilty that he's not going to be able to do what he wants to do because of me.

When we spoke the other week and came to the conclusion we wouldn't go abroad he admitted he hadn't thought about the realities and consequences of uprooting us all and although he said he accepted that I didn't want us to go abroad he did look disappointed. He's not mentioned it since so I know he's taken on board what I said but it still plays on my mind that I've put a stop to something he really wants to do.

Like I said, even if I did suggest I doubt he'd even consider it as he wouldn't want to be away from us, I guess I just think that if I do suggest it he will know that I appreciate how much it means to him and see that I'm just trying to find a way we can both be happy.

OP posts:

nowt · 16/10/2017 01:52

You really shouldn't suggest it unless you are prepared for the possibility that he will want to do it.

Also, I'm not sure what the point is of working abroad for a year but spending 5 of the 12 months back in the UK. If it's for the 'experience' he won't get that if he isn't there half the time, and if it's for the money, how much will he manage to save if he is flying home that often, and covering the costs of living separately?

Bumshkawahwah · 16/10/2017 01:54

The thing is, I doubt that it would be possible to go just for a year - am I right in thinking your H is a teacher? International school tend to require you sign up for 2 years when you first start in a new school.

Katedotness1963 · 16/10/2017 02:00

My husband did two years in Alaska while the kids and I stayed in the UK. He was away for three months at a time and home for a month. We managed but it was tough.

Original poster

QueenAmongstMen · 16/10/2017 02:04

If after I suggested it he did want to go then I would support him. I wouldn't suggest it unless I was prepared for it to actually happen.

He is a maths teacher so I thought he could come home during the holidays. I hadn't really thought about the costs of him flying back and forth although he did say a few weeks ago that a lot of packages fund three flights home a year. If he did go we would probably rent out our house whilst I stay with my parents as they themselves suggested this weeks ago when I first confided in them about DH's wish to go abroad but me not wanting to go.

When they first suggested me and DH live apart for a year I brushed it off but maybe they were on to something.

My mum's dad used to work away a lot apparently when she and her siblings were younger and so I suppose to my mom it's doable as she saw her parents cope with it - though I appreciate things were a lot different 60+ years ago.

OP posts:

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