To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

[QueenAmongstMen]

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

why did he not do this early twenties pre family like everyone else?

Obviously I can't speak for the OP's DH, but there are lots of reasons not to. In my case mine were: caring for dying grandparent; caring for dying parent; and - for the longest chunk - DP did not want to move and would not admit it.

I think your DH needs to understand that he's missed the window for a suitcase move

I don't agree with this. I think it's probably their last chance to do this as from the other thread linked, the OP's kids are young - 3 yo and 2 months - so it's pretty easy to up sticks and go. I say this having done it myself last year, moving to a different country for 8 months with a 1yo. It was literally a suitcase move although by the time we came back we had to post some stuff! School age kids are a different question, obviously, but little ones don't care much and aren't tied.

If you can bear it, OP, I'd suggest trying it now, maybe not UAE or China, but how about in the EU maybe Paris or Berlin or Barcelona? It'll just get harder as the kids get older and post-Brexit.

If you can bear it, OP, I'd suggest trying it now, maybe not UAE or China, but how about in the EU maybe Paris or Berlin or Barcelona? It'll just get harder as the kids get older and post-Brexit.

I suspect the DH thinks he wants 'proper' foreign not a European culture.

Are you the same person who posted about your husband wanting to teach at an international school in China a few weeks ago?

I live in Asia, moved here for DH's job. We didn't have children when we came but now we have 1 and I'm pregnant. I found work here, have made friends, and we have a good life. There are times when I feel lonely and that I've given up everything for DH. But at the same time there are amazing benefits.

I'm going to be honest here: white men with decent jobs are treated like meal tickets by some women in places like Asia and the Middle East. They don't care if he's married, has kids, whatever. I would never have my husband here without me - the temptations are beyond what you might imagine. Even being here, I worry.

I'm doing it right now (living abroad away from DP) but it's a shorter distance. OTOH it sounds like you'll have plenty of money to facilitate visits.

I think it's absolutely fine , the main worry I'd have would be what if he doesn't want to come back after a year. It's very difficult to predict how a living abroad experience can change your perspective on what you want your life to be. I'm not talking about meeting someone else btw.

Then again is that "what if" fear a good enough reason to stop him going? Maybe he'd get frustrated and resentful staying here and that could change things anyway...

Have you got dc?

The main reason he's going is because of the financial benefit to our family. He said he wants to earn good amounts of money to enable us to help pay off our mortgage and also provide opportunities to benefit the lives of our children etc.

This is why he didn't get it out of his system when he was young and pre-marriage and children because he obviously didn't have a family to provide for them and I suppose he wouldn't have been qualified or experienced enough to get the type of job he is now seeking out.

After reading this thread though it would appear that the financial benefit would only come to fruition if he didn't travel home much which I would struggle with. The fact that actually may need to be there longer than I had initially thought is also something I would struggle with.

It's been so beneficial reading everyone's experiences so thank you to everyone who has contributed. In fact, all the responses on this thread have given me food for thought and led me to think about hurdles that I hadn't even considered.

Last night I spoke to him about whether he would be willing to work further afield in the UK and stay there Monday to Friday and then come home each weekend. I thought to myself that if I had been contemplating us being in different countries and spending months apart then I should easily be able to cope with us being apart on just a Mon-Fri basis. I know a few couples where one works away in the week and rents a room near where their job is fit somewhere to stay Mon-Fri but then return to the family home at the weekend. One of my aunties rents out her spare room on a Mon-Fri basis and charges £200 a month which would be manageable to us. However, I appreciate different people will charge different amounts with location being one of the factors I imagine.

My DH said he hadn't actually thought about doing that as he envisioned us doing the venture together. I told him that if we did consider doing it, it would mean me and the children wouldn't have to move away from the family and I wouldn't have to leave behind my friends and my job either. I explained that although I had been looking at jobs further afield for myself and there were ones that I'd consider doing it would still make me sad to leave my current one. He told me that he knows I dont want to go abroad and he accepts that but now that I've suggested him working away in the week he will give it some consideration. He told me that even though it may lead to a better/happier job for him he doesn't know if he could cope with being away from the children so much, which I do understand.

I've decided to not suggest him working abroad alone because this thread has really opened my eyes into all the complications and realities of him doing it. My DH seems to have accepted that us travelling abroad won't be happening and he hasn't made an issue of it so me bringing it all up again would be of no benefit to either of us.

We have decided that he's going to take some time to stew on the idea and consider whether he could work away Mon-Fri and we will talk about it more at the weekend.

It's great that you are talking so openly about it. I think I may have missed something though. Is the week away thing purely so he can widen the area of his job search or because you feel there are better financial opportunities elsewhere? As if one of the points to him going abroad was to secure your financial future, won't incurring additional living expenses defeat the object of that? And how would that impact upon your working life/childcare once you go back to work?

100% a no go for me if there's dc, even working away during the week would be a no go for me unless he's willing to provide you a cleaner and pay for babysitters so you can still get nights off. But even then he's ok with pretty much making you a single parent to do everything.

DH is incredibly unhappy in his job which is the other reason he wanted to work abroad wirh the added bonus of the finances. Admittedly him working in the U.K. would mean we wouldn't see the same financial benefits of him being abroad but at least it means he could get a higher position in a job he'd hopefully be happier in.

In terms of childcare issues it wouldn't be too bad as I would only be working two days a week (compressed hours) and on those days DS1 would be in school and DS2 would be with a childminder. It would just be a case of someone having them in the evening on those two days and putting them to bed which I don't think would be an issue as there are three grandparents on the scene who would be likely to help us. Two of the grandparents have already retired and have always said they'd help out with childcare if we ever needed it. I would never ask Grandparents to look after the children on a full time basis or for whole days whilst I'm at work, hence why I'd still use a childminder for DS2, but they wouldn't mind having them both in the evening for a few hours before their bedtime two days a week.

On the two days I work I will be able to drop DS2 off at the Childminder's and my parents have previously said they would take DS1 to school for us if we ever needed them to rather than us pay out for before school clubs.

I currently work three days a week but we had planned on me reducing to two days when I returned from Maternity anyway.

We haven't discussed the practicalities of it all, I only put the idea to him last night, which is why we're both going to have a few days to think about it and then look at it seriously over the weekend if he thinks it's a possibility.

If you don't have children, then yes, definitely if you're both happy to do it then do it (though personally, if it was me, I would much rather go with him than stay at home).

My dh and lived apart in different countries for 2 years, but prior to getting married. We met working overseas ourselves, so were dating for a year living in the same city/living together for part of that year. After our contracts finished, we both moved back home to our respective countries. We both had educational and professional commitments back at home and until we were engaged/married, it was difficult for either of us to emigrate to live with the other. It was definitely hard and frankly I wouldn't really wish the experience on anyone, but that's partly because it wasn't by choice. I would have much rather gone to live with him or have had him live with me, but it just wasn't possible. We flew back and forth about every 2-3 months and we usually spent most of the summer together (he was finishing uni and I was in a postgraduate programme). It was definitely hard and lonely at times, but it is possible if you have your sights set on the end result which is being together. But your relationship does have to be solid and you have to have a plan about what will happen in the future.

I think with children, it becomes a lot more difficult and I personally wouldn't be willing to go through it again now that we have kids. It was hard enough on me, but would be heartbreaking for them and everyone would miss out on so much. I know you aren't inclined, but I would probably be much more happy in that situation moving us all there for a year, seeing it as a great life experience, then being apart.

I think you need to stop putting him and his job first all the time. What's with all this talk of guilt and resentment? You didn't trick or trap him into having kids did you? It was a joint choice right? Well he doesn't get to make that choice and then walk out leaving you to cope with it all on your own for a year. What about your job? What about shared child care? What about the kids wanting time with their father? It's not about you stopping him going, it's about him being a bloody father.

Honestly I've heard of men thinking their lives shouldn't have to change after having kids, but it seems like YOU think his life should be perfect whilst you run around in the background keeping everything ticking.

Angel - we aren't moving abroad as a family. He knows I don't want to and he has accepted that and it hasn't been an issue.

All the issues discussed in this thread are my thoughts, not his. It isn't about him wanting to walk out on his family at all. It isn't about his life being perfect it's about trying to find a way to get him out of a situation with work which is making him desperately unhappy.

No way. High road to affair town and splitsville.

if the place he first talked about was China, as previous posters have suggested, then I think you should all look into it. Depending on how old your DCs are and the type of package you may get - then there are good international schools they could attend. Or ask to contact his potential workmates and see what arrangements they have.

i worked abroad for several years - preDCs- but there was alot of infrastructure set up to support families in some places, and most people relished the experience etc... and the opportunities for the children also to live and experience other cultures- it's really worth it.

Failing that..... and I know your DH is desperately unhappy in his job- but is it worth looking at some short term VSO stuff? I have a friend who takes a month unpaid leave a year (with her employer's blessing) and she works in refugee camps (not with VSO, with another small charity).. Her DH stays at home. It suits her wanderlust and working abroad needs, but she still has her job and life at home. I know that this is probably outside the realms of possibility (we all have bills to pay etc) but I am just thinking there might be other options out there that will work better for you all if it is not possible for a longer term working / career contract.

Queen I'm not sure my post was clear as I'm talking about your feelings on this, not his. You need to think of yourself more and not making such huge compromises on behalf of yourself and your kids for some dream you feel he might resent you for. He would have no right to resent you is my point, he wanted kids, and having kids means being a parent to them. You have nothing to feel guilty for, and he doesn't seem to blame you at all from what you've said.

Sorry Angel - I see what you mean now, apologies for having read it wrong. You're right in that he's moved on from the idea and doesn't seem to hold anything against me so I need to get past it too. It's just so hard him seeing him unhappy each day because of his job

What doesn’t he like about his current job?

Teaching abroad is still teaching.
There is less paperwork but you still need to plan, write reports etc.
Behaviour is probably better but there may not be procedures in place to deal with it which can be a problem.
Resources can be an issue.
There may well be less support for SEN students.
Parents are paying and so can be more demanding.
He may need to teach a different curriculum. Yes Maths is Maths but there are differences between GCSE and IGCSE and IB is different again.

He may not need to go far to find a school with a different culture that suits him better but he needs to identify what he doesn’t like first.

We lived apart for a year because we decided we both wanted to go back to university to do Masters degrees in different locations and we didn't want to hold each other back from doing what we each wanted to do. It worked out really well so I say go for it!

OP don't live in the UAE. If you are raped you can be prison for sex outside of marriage. Has happened many times to Westerners and you need four male witnesses to prove it was rape.

fizz - that is horrific and disgusting.
It really is hard to comprehend how women can be treated so horrendously and with so little regard in this day and age.

Yeah I wouldn't even go there on holiday I was thinking of going to Dubai then read all these horror stories

I moved to the UAE with my DH 4 years ago. DH grew up out here and he always wanted to move back. I love it! I have no plans to leave.

There are many elements to living in the UAE that he would need to consider. As a teacher he would certainly earn more than he does in the uk. However, the cost of living is significantly higher. He would need accommodation & flight allowance as a minimum to even make it worth considering.

Teachers are often tied in to a 2 year contract.

The UAE is NOT tax free. There is no income tax but there will be VAT from January @5%. Prices are already very high and many are concerned how this is going to impact them. Soft drinks just had 50% VAT added and energy drinks 100%!

Water and electricity are around 10 times what you pay in the UK. Aircon is used pretty much all year round which really bumps up the cost.

He would need a car which he can hire but doesn't come cheap. Petrol is cheap - around 1/4 of the price of the UK.

If housing isn't included it he would need roughly 60k to rent a 1 bed apartment. That's £12k per year usually paid upfront in 1 or 2 cheques.

There is a great social scene in the UAE but a typical pint is around £8-£15! There are of course offers to be had but it isn't a cheap lifestyle.

I love living here but it really needs careful consideration. They are currently recruiting for next Septembers intake of teachers.

He may still be charged uk tax since you will still be living in the uk. He would need to check it out first.

I know many people who live here and their families elsewhere. It is doable!

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/rape-victim-dubai-united-arab-emirates-uae-extra-marital-sex-report-detained-in-dubai-police-charity-a7422326.html

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1275527/REVEALED-After-23-days-notorious-Dubai-jail-kiss-cheek--British-girl-reveals-price-paid-clash-culture.html

^ This one a woman kissed her male friend on the CHEEK and was jailed for a month it is no joke there