To suggest DH goes to live abroad for a year on his own?

[QueenAmongstMen]

If your DH wanted to move abroad for 1 year for the purpose of a job and a life experience but you really didn't want to go (for lots of reasons) would you consider suggesting that he goes alone for that one year?

This is the situation I'm recently in and if I suggested to him that he go alone it would mean he'd be in the UAE whilst I remained here in England. He would be able to come back for 3 months in the Summer and outside of that period he would potentially be able to come back every two months (ish) and stay for a week each time.

Experiencing living and working abroad is something he really wants to do and he's had this dream for a long time but I really don't want to do it.

I think the idea of him going alone and him flying back when he can is a fair compromise as he's not missing out on something really important to him but nor am I having to give up my current life to do something I don't want to.

He knows I don't really want to move abroad and has previously said he would never force me to do it but I don't want to be responsible for him not being able to do something that he really, really wants to.

The way I see it is that it's only for a year and during that 12 month period he could be back in the U.K. for a total of 5 months spread out across regular intervals and I do think our marriage could survive that.

It's the only way I can envision us both being happy because if he doesn't go because of me I will always feel guilty and fear that he may resent me, but if I go for his sake I know I will be unhappy and will probably resent him. I'm not sure either of those scenarios are conducive to a happy marriage.

AIBU to even consider suggesting this to him?

Could you do it?
Or has anyone done it?

My dad went to the middle east to work for a year or so twice. First time I was about 7 and I missed him dreadfully, Mum not so much and the marriage ended when he came home.
Second time I was about 18 and he had remarried. That one ended about 6 months after his return but that may have been because she was a psychotic bitch that refused to allow my "bastard" newborn DS in her house.
He did enjoy the money though

If dad hadn't been in marriages that were unstable the work away solution may well have worked well.

I think I just feel guilty that he's not going to be able to do what he wants to do because of me. ... I just think that if I do suggest it he will know that I appreciate how much it means to him and see that I'm just trying to find a way we can both be happy.

Honestly, I think firstly you have to get past any idea that any of this is this is 'because of you'. He's not going to be able to do what he wants to do because he has a really, really young family and it's not a very good solution to his problems anyway (as I understood them).

But secondly, I think you're bending over backwards to be Mr Nice Guy in a way that's paradoxically quite unkind. It seems to me that you're considering actively tempting him to do something really quite ill advised in order to elicit his refusal and then feel comfortable telling him forever more, well, I did give you the option and you said no... As well as being quite cruel imo, I think you also risk this all blowing up in your face when he leaves you with 2 small children (one newborn ffs!) to seek his fortune in the UAE and never comes back. He sounded a bit desperate about his career in the last thread and not making very balanced decisions. If you really want to be supportive, I think you'd be better off straight-talking and back-stiffening than encouraging him to consider scenarios that you actually want him not to consider.

Also - and I'm sorry that this will come across as a bit harsh, because I do appreciate you're in a difficult situation - but I just don't believe you genuinely forgot to mention the children in your OP. Imo, you were hoping to get some positive messages about long-distance marriages to convince yourself that encouraging him to go alone may not be the utter madness it fairly obviously is.

This:

If after I suggested it he did want to go then I would support him. I wouldn't suggest it unless I was prepared for it to actually happen.

Doesn't really fit with this:

Like I said, even if I did suggest I doubt he'd even consider it as he wouldn't want to be away from us, I guess I just think that if I do suggest it he will know that I appreciate how much it means to him and see that I'm just trying to find a way we can both be happy.

Also - what MrsLupo said.

My DH and I did this. He went away for 8 months on a contract and I didn't want to join him with our toddler.

He went again a couple of years later for 10 months.

It was hard but not so hard that I regreted it! It was fine. Ten years down the line and there's no damage to our relationship.

If you really want him to have the opportunity to live abroad, then offer him that, whole hog, with his family in tow. It's only a year out of your life, after all, and you may in fact enjoy it.

I appreciate that there may be very, very good reasons for you not to move, but if that's the case then you should probably stick with the staying-put agreement you've already made together and book a big fuck off holiday instead. If he is a teacher, you could maybe find a cheap apartment somewhere for the whole holidays and explore that way, as a family.

There are plenty of international schools much closer to home. BSB - British School of Brussels for example. Huge British/English speaking expat community in the Tervuren area. Easy access to UK - plus very easy for people to visit regularly. No need to move to the other side of the world to experience a different life. Added to which with the age your DC's currently are they probably wouldn't actually remember Daddy the person at this point in their lives. I know life abroad isn't for everyone but on your last thread you did say that you would have gone to Dubai. Why has that now changed to him going in his own - I imagine he might wonder that too.

I meant your DC's wouldn't remember him in the short term if he was gone for big chunks of their life.

I’m sorry to be negative, but to all those people saying plenty of people do it it must be doable - do you have any experience of industries where people work away as standard?

My DP worked away before and after children and it is a disaster for family life, unsurprisingly. And he was home a lot more than your DP would be. I don’t care how good your marriage is, there’s a reason why so many men in mining/oil & gas have been divorced multiple times. It was unusual for DP’s colleagues to have never been divorced and perfectly common for them to be on wife #3. Plenty were on wife #4. I’m not exaggerating.

I don’t recommend it. Yes it was doable before children, but it was shit. And once we had children we were both really unhappy. Our number one priority was finding a job for DP that would allow our family to be together.

I've just typed out a massive reply and bought better of it.1

UAE? Definitely not. I've lives here over 10 years. It breaks marriages. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who are here with the spouse the moved out here with (or who haven't accepted the affairs / the nightmare working hours putting pressure on the marriage).

He'd be living in close proximity to numerous young,free, single, female colleagues as the schools house them all in the same apartment blocks. Most men here without wives are out every night.

Working abroad, anywhere, isn't something to head into if both of you aren't 100%. There's difficult decisions to make if one of you hates the situation and the other wants to stay as is (that could even be you enjoying him being away!!).

Yes armed forces or offshore oil families do it, but I'm sure most people don't decide to do those jobs after they're married with kids - that's something that is usually pre-dating the relationship so you can make the decision on whether you can deal with it at early stages. This is a decision based on OP being married to a maths teacher at a UK school - no reason she should ever have thought this situation would occur. We've spent a year living 000s miles apart but he got back one day a weekend - though necessity. It was that or no job. Not a decision made on behalf of the family that he would leave to pursue his own goals in life to the detriment of mine.

It's a 'Don't do it' vote from me.

OP, when I first read your opening post I thought this is the poster who posted last week but I was confused about whether you said in this post whether you had children or not. And you do. What are you playing at?

So much of what people have said here was also said on the first thread including info about packages.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3051730-To-not-want-to-move-to-China

Anyway, I think there must be many an expat teacher posting here who are wondering where the jobs are in the UAE that offer 3 tickets per year?

Also the 3 months summer break. As more of an idea for you Ive just pulled up my daughters UAE school schedule and this year they are having 8 weeks in the summer but that will really be just over 7 as the teachers go back a few days before the children.

The winter break is 16 days.

The Easter break is 17 days.

The school days are very long. Its usually a 7.30 at the latest start and classes end after 2pm. Then there are after school clubs etc.

I still say that your husband will be so busy that by the time he's asked if he'll stay for another year he'll be thinking Ive just started to settle in, I think I need to stay another year.

Oh and check that the contract is for 1 year. An awful lot of them are 2 year contracts.

Sorry for not mentioning the children, it wasn't intentional

How could you forget to mention your children? Didn't you think having children would change the advice you were given?

And people even asked you if you were the previous poster?

I feel really sorry for you but both of you need to wake up.

Incie I was just going to come on and say most contracts are 2 years never heard of contracts with 3 flights a year that would be amazing. Also if he is only doing a year surely in academic terms that is only 9 months really September to June which would be easily doable ( and have done it) . I wouldn’t give up my house though living with relatives would be a nightmare and in my experience not worth the hassle

OP, sorry for another post but if he's only going for a year why would you count the summer holidays in on trips home? His contract would be up at the start of the school holidays. He would do August to June or July.

So either this is going to be for longer than a year or you just didn't realise about the summer holidays not needing to be included.

I'm a maths teacher in an international school.

Three flights a year sounds very unlikely. I get one a year. It used to be one every two years.
Any decent school will want at least a two year contract.
I'm on holiday now but this our first since the end of July. It is 10 days and the next is two weeks at Christmas. I'm not sure where you get the five months from.
I think in the UAE it takes time to sort out paper work and so he may not be able to leave for a certain length of time.

IMO, school contracts are for 2 years not 1 and the holidays are short. The pay is great, but as pp have said there are plenty of single ladies who are on the lookout for a Western husband and they really REALLY don’t care if they are already married.
Your DH will be ‘hanging out’ with the other ‘single’ guys, it’s pretty much a recipe for divorce. I’ve seen it happen too many times to ‘good’ guys.

Why not all go with him? You could homeschool your DC - you won’t be alone, I know a few families that have done this. There are a lot of things to do on the cheap in the UAE, it’s not all WAGS and millionaires.

I think you're probably all right and I need to just let it go. He seems to have accepted that we aren't going to live abroad so I need to just move on from it.

I guess I'm just worried that years down the line he will resent me for it.

It won't really work for a year. Most schools will request a minumum commitment of two, and while they're not going to force you to stay, it would go down like a bucket of cold sick, especially if they got a sense that that was always the plan.

There's also a lot in what mard says re single people in Dubai. It's party time and whilst I dont think it's necessarily a cert, there is a lot of temptation. He could also churn through a lot of cash. Meanwhile you're at home, juggling everything.

Tbh, I know you didnt want to do China due to work, but in the UAE you could probably get a job pretty easily, so might you consider a family move? Rent your house out and benefit from 2 tax free salaries for 3 years. Worth doing the maths.

Same questions re the 3 flights home and one year contracts for an international teacher. Doesn't quite seem right to me.
In your case, I would not offer this suggestion. Based in your previous thread, it sounds like he might actually do it. Is that really what you want?

Based in your previous thread, it sounds like he might actually do it. Is that really what you want?

What I want is a marriage where neither of us resent the other

In terms of all the holiday dates and contract information etc it's all just based on things my DH said during the time he mentioned he wanted to move abroad, I haven't actually looked into it myself. I trust those of you who have posted information on terms and contracts and I suppose it only adds strength to me needing to forget the idea.

Would a year be long enough? A year is just a holiday and you need longer to really get the feel of a place. I still haven't got the travel bug out of my system and it has been 20 years! Having said that, my DH and I have lived in separate countries many times due to work/study/family and it worked out fine.

I know the threads moved on, but you can make the living apart work. My DH and I were in the armed forces and we’ve done similar, we just made sure we kept up the contact and very subscribe to the view that love is a verb, you’ve got to keep working at it.
We’ve also seen friends successfully do it, in fact he the ones we know who are divorced so far have spent too much time together!

Incie I was just going to come on and say most contracts are 2 years never heard of contracts with 3 flights a year that would be amazing. Also if he is only doing a year surely in academic terms that is only 9 months really September to June which would be easily doable ( and have done it) . I wouldn’t give up my house though living with relatives would be a nightmare and in my experience not worth the hassle

We cross posted. But its good to see that others are saying the same thing to the OP.

Years down the line your children will be grown and he'll have more opportunity.

What I want is a marriage where neither of us resent the other sad

Having to post the same story two times with half truths and omissions being the basis of the second thread shows you're desperately trying to find a way to make this fit when the reality is the you don't want it to fit because you know its not right for any of you. You are clutching at any straw you can find to convince yourself its ok and I would put money on the fact that if this hair brained scheme goes ahead you're the one that will quite rightly be resentful not too far down the line.

Why is it hair brained? Well that would be because your husband doesn't seem to know what he's talking about and anyone who's serious about this and not just a bit of a dreamer would have found out as much as he could before he came to you with it. He wants to escape from his current job and this is his head in the clouds fantasy.

I wouldn't waste anymore time on it and you DH needs to come back down to earth and look for a new job closer to home for the time being.

Your mum and dad sound lovely by the way . And so do you.

Sorry Op, just to say we are a Military family and have spent long periods apart but none of them were based on airy fairy notions.