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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
OpheIiaBaIIs · 15/10/2017 16:40

If her parents promised to pay her rent leaving her other income for her to spend however she chooses, and have now withdrawn that support because she's had a tattoo, then of course they are BU. She is an adult.

However, I think the idea that parents pay their adult children's rent/support them financially while they study - which seems to be expected these days - is also unreasonable. This case is clearly different, but when did it become the norm to spend thousands on adult children who don't even live at home? I know parents who can ill afford it, some who work two or three jobs, to pay their 21 year old 'child''s rent. Surely if you're old enough to leave home, and have made the choice to study, you should provide for yourself too?

BakedBeans47 · 15/10/2017 16:40

I don’t know how her parents can live with themselves. What disgusting people.

HolgerDanske · 15/10/2017 16:42

Bakedbeans people like that always can.

Fully convinced of their own rightness, toxic, poisonous, nasty and vindictive.

Whisky2014 · 15/10/2017 16:43

This is how my parents approached money with me. I ended up in debt, missed payments, defaults and a horrendous credit report. I'm 30 now and only in the last 2 years has my finances allowed me to save and buy a house. Please get your friend to show the parents what they are doing is wrong. I don't know how. Has she got an aunt or uncle who could talk to the parents?

milliemolliemou · 15/10/2017 16:45

She needs to go to the uni now - from her tutor/course leader to the students union advisory service and back to bursars. And any mental health advisory service

I understand the bursary system has refused to help because her parents earn too much. She needs to get this sorted - if her parents have disowned her and won't pay that would not the case. Perhaps someone at uni student or bursar can advise?

I can understand the bursary reluctance when they have so many claims on their money with parents who are struggling to help and some kids working their backsides off to pay rent. Rich people reneging on their children's welfare is hugely problematic.

Clearly she may not be in a position to ask for advice if in distress. She does need to contact the student union.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/10/2017 16:45

I hate tattoos and was hopping mad when ds got one. But at the end of the day its not a big deal and relationship is the most important.
But she cant make parents be reasonable so needs to look elsewhere.

EliseC1965 · 15/10/2017 16:49

Your friend needs to approach the uni again, and ask them about their hardship fund.
www.gov.uk/extra-money-pay-university/university-and-college-hardship-funds
She may also qualify as an independent student if she has been NC with them for a long time. standalone.org.uk/guides/student-guide/

whyayepetal · 15/10/2017 16:49

OP, your parents sound lovely. Thank goodness your friend has you (and possibly them) to support her at the moment. I would second going to SU, and also personal tutor at uni for advice. They may be able to access a hardship fund on behalf of your friend, or at least point her in the right direction to get the appropriate support. They will also be able to support you while you are supporting your friend IYSWIM. Best of luck to you.

HolgerDanske · 15/10/2017 16:51

Yes Potter you are a lovely friend. And your parents are lovely too.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/10/2017 16:54

Indeed you are a great friend.🌺⭐️
Her parents sound very controlling.
I think she needs to stop relying on them, and move forwards.
She's done very well, to stop self harming, they should support her more emotionally, and be proud of her.

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 16:54

I really hate them. They make me feel sick. I equate them with self harming.
I think I would prefer not to see a child if mine if they had one. Letters only perhaps!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 16:59

Lovely your parents are welcoming - I cant imagine not offering to host a friend of my Dcs who were on their own at Christmas. (And it might be best for your friend not to go home)

BakedBeans47 · 15/10/2017 17:01

I really hate them. They make me feel sick. I equate them with self harming.
I think I would prefer not to see a child if mine if they had one. Letters only perhaps!

Wow.

SuperSunday · 15/10/2017 17:02

Can your friend get a part time job?

DiggyDiggyHole · 15/10/2017 17:03

Really Head? You’d stop seeing your own child if their appearance distressed you? I hope your children are very young, and you acquire more wisdom and less self-centredness before they become teenagers.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 17:04

headofthehide you would disown your own child becuase of something they chose to put on the body that they own? You sound disgusting, I hope you don't have any children and any that do realise they need you out of their life quickly.

OP posts:
TheCatsMother99 · 15/10/2017 17:07

I think I would prefer not to see a child if mine if they had one

I'm speechless.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 17:08

thing is, even if she does get a part time job, and convince the Uni to let her pay monthly, if it's minimum wage (and the under 25 rate), she'd need to work over 30 hours a week to make enough to cover the rent. Then she has to study full time on top of that and there's only so many hours in the day, realistically, she's not going to be able to put in the hours at uni.

She needs to talk to uni /student union and possibly shelter. She won't be the first or the last student who's parents have dropped them in the shit by not paying when they said they would (and earn too much for their DCs to be able to get full loans).

MorrisZapp · 15/10/2017 17:10

How did her parents find out about the tattoo?

Splodgeinc · 15/10/2017 17:10

Can your friend speak to other members of the family? My parents didn't give me enough money to cover rent at uni despite them having it and the student loan therefore being the minimum award, my grandma and aunts all helped me out (and I had a job) and when my parents found out that the rest of the family were giving me "charity" they paid my rent for the next year as they were ashamed the family saw them as tight. (I moved in with my then-to-be- dh as soon as possible so I could stop spending their money asap as I didn't want to be beholden to them one second longer than I had to be)

OpheIiaBaIIs · 15/10/2017 17:10

I think I would prefer not to see a child if mine if they had one

I've seen some nasty shit on MN but this takes the biscuit. Disgusting.

ginteresting · 15/10/2017 17:11

This sounds a massive over reaction on parents part. Surely, they are just annoyed and disappointed. When they've calmed down they couldn't possibly disown their child, (adult or not) over a tattoo

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 17:13

Yes it's a phobia I have. Unfortunately having to have some for cancer treatment has meant I cannot even bear to look at myself - and I do think it may have been better not to be treated.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 17:16

OpheIiaBaIIs - sadly the system is set up on the assumption parents will pay. So the amount you can borrow as a student loan is dependent on your parents' income. If you are unable to get the full student loan, it's because your parents are expected to pay the difference. The students in the worse financial position are those with high earning parents who don't believe it's their responsibilty to pay for their kids rent.

It's not a case of chosing not to support yourself, it's really not possible to go to uni at 18, having lived at home up until you go and support yourself if your parents are high earners - unless you are prepared to work full time - which rather limits the courses you are doing and makes it very hard to do the amount of study needed to make it pointless going.

It's shit that the government has organised a system that makes you financially dependent on your parents, while not making them legally required to pay.

Motherofterriers · 15/10/2017 17:22

OP, my parents did this to me (not because of a tattoo) 40 years ago. The impact was awful, I had to drop out of uni, ended up in a disastrous abusive relationship, took years to get my life back on track.

I'm glad you are there for your friend and that your parents are happy to host her for Christmas. I'm sure there is provision for students to access funds if their parents refuse to pay. I hope she gets support from the student union/welfare officer.

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