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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 16:05

It's this term, the uni gave us two weeks to pay since we moved in (which is fair).

I have told her to speak to uni and explain again that they are not providing any money. Hopefully she can get a loan.

OP posts:
Gilead · 15/10/2017 16:05

Potterhead She can contact the students union, there is a system where she can site irretrievable breakdown of her relationship with her parents in order to access funds and to ensure she keeps her place.

For others: I hate tattoos. Three of my four children have them, it's up to them. However, £120.00 for a decent sized tattoo is very, very reasonable. Disowning your child and ruining their chances at life because you don't approve of how they've spent their funds, fucking disgusting.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/10/2017 16:07

I hope so OP - probably the best thing she can do is stop depending on them - break free from their horrible controlling behaviour - poor kid :(

hope Uni can help

RolfNotRudolf · 15/10/2017 16:07

Half the minimum student loan is a lot more than £120 Confused

RolfNotRudolf · 15/10/2017 16:09

I’m wondering if her parents are the problem behind the self harming?!
Well her parents do sound unreasonable but FFS please don't make the lazy assumption that every child with MH problems has their parents to blame Hmm

RolfNotRudolf · 15/10/2017 16:12

My apologies - I read that she used half her loan to pay for the tattoo, I now realise she put £60 of her loan towards the tattoo. Blush
Her parents do sound completely unreasonable.

safariboot · 15/10/2017 16:13

Unreasonable parents. OP's friend is an adult who can make her own decisions, her parents should not be trying to control her this way.

But I feel the system of student finance and support is partly at fault too. It puts a young adult in a very difficult position if their parents can afford to fund a university education but refuse to.

The direct cost of the tattoo is completely irrelevant, it's not even in the same league as the rent or tuition fees.

TheCatsMother99 · 15/10/2017 16:13

I feel for your friend.

So many students waste their money on alcohol, clothes, random junk etc. The tattoo was obviously for something that meant a lot to your friend and not money spent on a throwaway item. It's incredibly sad her parents are basically cutting them off like this, money aside, saying you're not welcome home for Christmas is nasty.

I hope your friend gets things sorted and this is the beginning of an independent life, free of manipulative patents.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 16:14

If her parents have already signed as guarantors they might find they can't just decide they aren't going to pay, knowing she doesn't have the money.

Tell her to talk to the uni again, explain they have refused the support they originally offered. They might be able to sort something in terms of emergency funding, allowing her to pay monthly rather than expecting 3 months rent in one go, they may well send letters to her parents confirming they are refusing to pay, the shame factor might help...

Talking to the union and shelter are also good ideas to see what they can do - she won't be the first student who's parents are supposed to pay towards their dcs uni costs due to high income, but then decide not to.

It also might be the case if the bill isn't due for 2 weeks, they will actually pay up but are threatening to not do as punishment/warning. If they do, your friend should be wary of trying to build a buffer in case they do something like this again. They will probably hold it over her for 3 years.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 16:15

I think this is yet another one of those threads where people have waded in with purposeful and deliberate misunderstanding. The parents have decided to withdraw their promised financial contribution (we are talking about 6-10k here) because OP's friend spent £120 quid on a tattoo. It doesn't really matter what the parents think about tattoos. This is not an okay response. The parents' behaviour is horrendous and I agree they have been looking an excuse to cut her off. Telling her she is not welcome at Christmas is awful. I'm thinking about all the parents who would give anything to have their child home for Christmas. I'm sorry there are so many judgmental twats on mumsnet.

PushingThru · 15/10/2017 16:16

Ugh. I hope the people saying they have no sympathy for a 19 year old whose education & future is going to be jeopardised by the petty spite of her parents have children of their own.

NC4now · 15/10/2017 16:19

Very strange behaviour from the parents. My mum would have (and did) do everything in her means to support me through uni. She's also supported me as best she could through MH issues. That's what loving parents do.

Your friend needs to get independent quickly. I hope uni can help.

I don't love tattoos, but I wouldn't punish my adult DCs for them.

HolgerDanske · 15/10/2017 16:19

They are being horrible.

What utter cunts. Sorry but that is how I feel, and I don't even like tattoos! FFS who the FUCK do they think are.

She's better off without them. If I were her I would never, ever forgive or forget this.

TheFairyCaravan · 15/10/2017 16:19

DS1 has tattoos. One on his arm cost him £350. I'm not keen on tattoos, neither is DH, but nothing has changed about how we feel about DS1. He's still the same person he was before.

Life is too short for all this. How would her parents feel if something happened to her tonight? It's just so ridiculous.

sonjadog · 15/10/2017 16:21

Yes, her parents are being unreasonable, but now is the time for practical measures. Maybe she would have been better waiting for a tattoo until she had saved up the money, but done is done and there is really no point going on about her spending the loan on the tattoo now. Nineteen year olds not making brilliant financial decisions is hardly an uncommon thing. Her parents are being ridiculous about her not coming home at Christmas and hopefully they will realize that themselves when the surprise has worn off.

Right now, she needs to go back to the university and explain what has happened, be open about it, and see if they can help her. It is really important that she doesn´t stick her head in the sand and pretend this isn´t happening for the next weeks. Be proactive, explore all channels, go talk to the university welfare people or whoever is suitable. Dropping out should be the option only if nothing else is possible, but if she does have to do this, then try to make a plan to start again next year, or within the next few years. Taking a couple of years off before university is not the end of the world either, and she can save up money in the meantime.

Motherofterriers · 15/10/2017 16:21

I hope one of her friends can take her to their home for Christmas. Poor girl. Her parents are behaving dreadfully. Using their financial position to control what she can do to her own body.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 16:25

I have asked my parents and they said if she still stuck by then then they don't mind having her stay for Christmas this year

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 15/10/2017 16:26

And actually, having actually read now that the tattoo was got to cover up self harm scars changes things quite a bit.

I can completely understand that a young woman out in the world for the first time and trying to maybe put some distance between herself and her past and/or things that caused her to self harm, or simply just covering it up for no other reason than wanting to do so, might choose to use some of her loan for this purpose.

That might be a very meaningful act for her. As her parent I would have understood that, and supported her in it.

And on using some of her money for it, god what a sanctimonious lot some of you are.

So every other young person at uni isn't colossally wasting money on booze and going out, then? Okay so obviously not every other person, but that is the norm, at least until they have learnt to budget more sensibly.

She will be better off without their control, even if it is at the loss of their monetary support.

Undercoverbanana · 15/10/2017 16:28

When I first read the post I read it that she had spent her whole loan on the tatt and was expecting her parents to fund her.

Now that I understand the previously agreed arrangement with the parents and the amount of ££££ involved, I can see that the parents have lost their shit over the tattoo, not the money.

Well, she is 19 and doesn't need that sort of toxicity in her life.

Get a job, find a sofa to surf on until you're sorted, don't rely on others and surround yourself with supportive friends. It's the best way to survive this kind of crap.

washingmachinefastwash · 15/10/2017 16:32

There’s worse things to be spending her money on.

I think her parents are being ridiculous.

Can she not apply for discretionary funding? They will need copies of her bank accounts to see what is going in and out of her account.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 16:33

Isn't it strange how some people read the same OP as everyone else but jump to a shit ton of incorrect assumptions and pile into the OP's friend with judgmental views that only really belong in the Daily Fail?

Katedotness1963 · 15/10/2017 16:34

Seems harsh given the reason she did it. I certainly wouldn't mess my kids life up over such a thing. But then I don't understand the "you're 18' you're an adult, you're on your own" idea. Our eldest is 18 in a fortnight and his home is his home as long as he needs it, he still has his final year of high school to finish!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2017 16:34

Her parents are idiots. It does make you wonder what she self harmed in the first place.

jamdonut · 15/10/2017 16:35

I don't like tattoos, and my daughter who is at uni knew this, and yet she went ahead and had one done. Luckily, it was fairly tasteful and only £20. I'm not happy, but in no way would I withdraw any support or stop her from coming home for it!! ( Luckily she gets full whack student loans, as we are low income), plus she works as well.

At the end of the day, she is an adult, and therefore in charge of her self...but it doesn't mean I have to approve of what she's done!
I really, really hate to see tattoos on girls, I think it looks awful. But , y'know, I love my daughter more...

Ermm · 15/10/2017 16:38

OP - am I right that the situation is her parents said they would pay her rent of £2,400 and she could do what she wanted with the other money.

She spent £120 of that money on a tatto to cover up self harm scars.

Her parents are now saying that they won’t pay the £2400 in rent.

Because the government does treat adults as dependant on parents even where their parents are dicks she’s got a prob.

If that’s the situations her parents are horrible. Best thing to do is to try and support her in dealing with how horrible they are and help her to take the practical steps to seek funding where parents wont support.

I dont think a lot of the posters here are understanding the situation and think she’s a brat who irresponsibly blew money on a tattoo. That doesn’t sound like the scenario to me.