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Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
Floofborkboopandsnoot · 15/10/2017 15:47

Am I reading the thread wrong or are people not reading properly? The parents were supposed to pay the rent so as far as she knew the rent was covered and she had the money to get a tattoo. Only now she has the tattoo and her parents are refusing to give her money she doesn’t have the money for her rent.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 15:48

So her parents said they would pay her rent, telling her she could use her loan and savings money on what she wants, now are punishing her for doing just that?

If they wanted to put conditions on how she spent the left over money she had after rent was paid as a condition of giving her the rent money, then they should have said. Not moving the goal posts later.

They do sound very controlling, she would be better off long term being independent from them, that's just going to be shit in the short term. If they use their generosity to punish wrong choices, then this would have happened at some point or other, it's shit it's happened so soon, but would probably have done before she graduated anyway, if it wasn't this it would have been something else she did wrong.

Can she take out additional loans or look for part time work?

To deliberately sabotage your Dds chance at uni is not normal behaviour. She might be better off in the long run if they do cut contact. Doesn't sound very healthy relationship. Sad

mareemallory · 15/10/2017 15:49

Yes, they are being unreasonable, and shitty parents.

I think some people commenting on here don't realise that student loans are means tested - so if your parents' income is high you get less money as it is assumed they will contribute to your living expenses while at university.

So yes, she has no right to the cash, but at the same time she's not just helping herself to a parental handout. It's a choice between relying on their contributions or going through a long, labourious process to prove that she is estranged from them and therefore cannot rely on them financially. Which it sounds as though she will need to do now.

Ta1kinPeece · 15/10/2017 15:50

ghosty
we get it OP her parent's are awful - but she's a grown up and she needs to do something to support herself sharpish - like find a job?
How incredibly insulting.
It might just be - shock horror - that she is doing a course that does not leave time for a job
or that there are few student jobs where she is studying.

Whocansay · 15/10/2017 15:50

Bloody hell, I don't think people are reading this properly. £120 is not going to pay her rent. I assume her scars hugely bothered her so she wanted to cover them up. As an adult she can do what she likes with her body and does not have to discuss it with them.

Her parents' response to this is disgusting and hugely out of proportion. They sound utterly abusive. What sort of people would risk making their child homeless to prove a point? And then tell her she isn't welcome at Christmas? Does she have any other family support?

flumpybear · 15/10/2017 15:50

I’m wondering if her parents are the problem behind the self harming?!

I’d be telling them to expect letters from a variety of sources to confirm they no longer will support their child .... hideous parents! I hope she finds some income source for her studies and can walk away from her controlling shitty parents

megletthesecond · 15/10/2017 15:50

Her parents are awful. She's tried to cover self harm scars and they're disowning her.

I don't wear my self harm scars with pride. I've had nearly 30 years of covering the damn things and it's a miserable reminder of what I did every time I see them. If there was a way of removing them I'd try and she'll out for it too.

Mrsmadevans · 15/10/2017 15:51

I don't blame them . It sounds as if they have had enough of her wasting money tbh. This was not a necessity and when you are in Uni every damn penny counts. She must have known they would be like this yet still proceeded . It was her decision .

Justanothernameonthepage · 15/10/2017 15:52

Basically she should work out now what to do without them and assume they'll not support her in future as they're unreliable.
(My take on it is, she shouldn't have told them, but hopefully this is a harsh lesson in ensuring that rent gets paid before food or anything else).
She might also look at getting major coverage make up, covering the tattoo, claiming she got the laser removal and playing sorry. Get the rent paid and then always covering it around parents/wearing clothing. Then once independent 'get it done again'.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/10/2017 15:52

well the alternative is being homeless - so you think that's a nicer option - stop being stupidly offended at the suggestion she does something to help herself

I did a degree and a masters with no parental support and at one point had 4 jobs - it is possible to work and study

the young woman in question was working - so maybe she can go back to that job?

GwenStaceyRocks · 15/10/2017 15:53

Where you are being UR is in thinking they have no influence over her when her lifestyle depends on them. That's why they have influence. It's nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that she can't afford to live without them subsidising her.
She made a bad call. It sounds like a bit of a 'fuck you' to her parents and they have responded accordingly.
Presumably university has a counselling/guidance service. She needs to speak to them and see if there are any hardship grants she can access. They'll probably want to see bank statements, etc, that show she can't afford anything without her parent's contributions; and copies of the correspondence with her parents where they cut her off.
It's a harsh lesson but I doubt it came from nowhere. There's obviously a fraught family history.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 15/10/2017 15:54

If it's at the top of her leg, I can only imagine she told her parents to get a response. I mean, it'd be easy enough to hide and if it was only £120 - well, it'd be easy to explain why you were that much down. Two or three text books would cost that much.

Whocansay · 15/10/2017 15:54

flumpybear that was my first thought too.

This is financial abuse.

AuntLydia · 15/10/2017 15:57

Poor girl. I suspect the self harming is linked to her upbringing if they can be this cold and controlling. I hope she sorts something out with the Uni.

winglesspegasus · 15/10/2017 15:58

first off good for her for coping with the scars
the financial thing i can't really comment on
but as a side bar=lasering won't fix the problem just create more scarring especially since it is a coverup.and for her parents info it is expensive and takes many visits/if it even works.
we have done camoflage tats on people from all walks of life.covering everything from c-section scars and mastecomy scars to really crappy homemade(and potentially damaging) homemade work.
i hope you get your finances sorted /

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 15:58

No wonder the poor kid's got a history of self-harming with parents as abusive, manipulative and controlling as this.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/10/2017 15:58

I really do NOT like tattoos.

And I still think the parents are being bastards. I suspect that, in this case, they're very much part of the reason that the young woman in question actually has self harm scars. Fuckers.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:59

She is going to get a job but even then it's a part time minimum wage job which isn't going to cover her rent seeing as the uni are expecting £2,500 in full in two weeks

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 15/10/2017 16:00

I don't like tattoos personally but there's no way I would punish my children for having one when they are adults. No they don't have to give her money as everyone else has said but having committed to do so and now withdrawing that because she's done something they don't like makes them sound spiteful and controlling.

BakedBeans47 · 15/10/2017 16:01

No wonder the poor kid's got a history of self-harming with parents as abusive, manipulative and controlling as this.

Makes you wonder doesn't it

TheFairyCaravan · 15/10/2017 16:01

This poor girl's parents are beyond mean. You should never, imo, put your child (however old they are) in a position like this especially one who has been suffering with MH problems.

When DS2 went to uni we told him what we would pay for and we put no conditions on it. We didn't tell him that he must not spend his savings on because it was none or our fucking business. He probably spent more than £120 during freshers. That came from his money, not ours, so it was up to him.

I love my kids too much to heap this sort of crap on them. These parents are being mean for the sake of it. They have put undue stress and pressure on this girl, which she doesn't need. They should be ashamed.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/10/2017 16:01

she needs to talk to uni asap - where has she been living? It's odd that they want the money up front this far into the term or is that for next term?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/10/2017 16:03

OK, you need to steer her away from worrying about her parents right now. Yes, I agree that they have been shits, but that's not going to get the rent sorted. She needs a plan.

First thing tomorrow, go to the Students' Union with her and get in front of the Welfare Officer. Get practical help and support. If she's in Uni accom they will advocate for her and help negotiate different terms. This won't be the first time it's happened (usually because someone's spent all their rent money on cocktails, rather than tats, but the result is the same). They will have seen it all before and they will help - but I definitely advise going to the SU, not going to see the person in the housing as these days they are likely to be working for a private company who are more focused on their income than student welfare.

wtffgs · 15/10/2017 16:04

I loathe tattoos, really loathe them, but the poor woman was trying to make something positive out of some presumably very painful memories.

My heart sinks at the thought of DDs with tattoos but I'd still love and support them whatever.

No, it may not have been the wisest financial choice but it's hardly a crime to spend £60 of student loan on this. How many freshers are getting drunk and/or high right now at much higher costs?

I hope the uni can help.

Motherofterriers · 15/10/2017 16:04

Oh dear. I think the parents are being completely unreasonable. The university should help - there are hardship funds, and parental income can be disregarded if they are unwilling to contribute. It might be worth seeing if someone can advocate for her - student union rep maybe?

If you are still living at home, or home for holidays, would your parents let her stay with you at Christmas?
Poor kid