Kicking her out for a tattoo

[Potterhead113]

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

She was being unreasonable for spending money that she didn't have to cover it up, especially as it's not vital that she cover it now as how many people will be seeing her thigh for the next few months?

Self harm scars are not nice to have, I know. However covering them with a tattoo that costs money that could mean you end up homeless is ridiculous.

Well it didn't mean that when she did it!! As far as she was concerned she was making a decision on what discretionary spending she wanted to do. When apparently her parents' statement that the loan was to be available for her use at her discretion came with all sorts of unspoken conditions. In fact the amount she chose to spend, a measly £60 in the grand scheme of things, was topped up by her own savings that she had got through working.

To be honest, I completely understand why your friend did it. And I probably would as well! In fact I did get my tattoos while at uni. The thing is, is that she isn't independent from her parents just yet. She may not be living under their roof, but she is using their money to keep a roof over her own head. Therefore she does still need to play by their rules to some extent. They didn't agree with her getting a tattoo and therefore think if she has the money to 'waste' on that then she can afford to look after herself. Which is sound logic. However it's not reality. She saved for that tattoo, she didn't have disposable money if that makes sense?

However, all that being said, it's done now. There is no going back and rewriting the past.
What she needs to do is find the money this month (borrowing off friends, pay day loans etc) and then get another job to keep herself financially afloat. Unfortunately this may mean she loses out on time for studying or socialising but if she wants to make ends meet, she'll have to. I think it's best to assume her parents won't change their mind therefore she needs to be reactive

Fairyofallthings - but she didn't know her parents would not pay her rent. She did have the money - her parents had agreed to pay her rent and this was out of the money she had for 'fun stuff'.

If she knew her parents would not give her the rent money if had a tattoo, then it was foolish to do it (or rather, foolish to tell them). But if she had not been given the impression that the rent money was dependant on her behaviour, then it is incredibly unfair of them.

Her parents sound odious. I don't like tattoos - hence I don't have one. What my DS wants to do when he's an adult is his business. The very thought of not seeing him because of a tattoo makes me feel sick. Your friends' parents are a disgrace.

How long ago did this happen?

If it was only this weekend I am guessing it may be a kneejerk reaction because they are cross with her.

The rent isn't due for another 2 weeks and I suspect by then they'll have calmed down, normal service will be resumed and they'll pay the rent.

I am sure that if the daughter who previously self-harmed has got herself together enough to go to uni they will be proud parents and once the shock of the tattoo has worn off the rent will get paid.

Of course parents have to top up the loan it's means tested on their income not the young persons. Not to pay is immoral and should be a criminal offence.
The op spent her money not tax payers money. She did not " spend her rent money".

Trying to be positive here. At least your friend knows now to distance herself from her parents and expect nothing from them. At the very first opportunity they had to have an adult relationship with their child and they treat her like a child. They made that clear, no drip, drip, 40 yr old still being in their parents control, damaging their new family bitter, moi? .Best to move on with your life, expect nothing from them, do not spend anytime or effort trying please them, you never will, enjoy your life as you wish too, have a relationship on your terms with your parents, you owe them nothing.

And I hate tattoos but I smiled and told dd it looked good, when she had one done aged 18.

I hate tattoo's, I hands up will be gutted if either of my children decides to have tattoos when they are older. Yet I can 100% say that your friends parents are cruel, controlling, narcissists, who obviously have zero concern about their daughters mental health or physical wellbeing. I would have paid for a tattoo myself if it would make a difference to my child's self esteem! Although I would have investigated different methods for scar coverage first! I can't say I am surprised at the combination of financially well off parents using money to control and manipulate their child. My in-laws are exactly the same. Unfortunately this would have happened at some point, as soon as your friend showed signs of wanting to be an independent adult with her own opinions and choices this would happen. In my husbands case, proposing to me was the trigger. With your friend it could have been that they disapproved of her choice of boyfriend. Please tell your friend that she did nothing wrong, as an adult in charge of her own body she had every right to choose to have that tattoo to help with her mental health!

Tell your friend to look into care agencies, I am severely disabled and have carers who work for me who I first met through agency care. Many students work for care agencies, the money is much better than retail work or bar work. Its not for everyone but if your friend is the caring type it is a better paid position that works well for university/ college students. I also agree with others who have suggested contacting students union, as well as the finance department of her university. I also recommend that your friend reach out to the counselling service at her university. Being cut out/ disowned by your parents is devastating. Especially if you have been emotionally abused your whole life and your parents have destroyed your self esteem/ sense of self worth. I'm so glad that your friend has you op, your friend may slip into depression, she will need good friends who can support her and build her up again.

This is not about the money that OP’s friend spent, though, is it? It’s about the tattoo itself. The parents are objecting to a lifestyle that their daughter has chosen, not the spending of £120.

So they are being completely unreasonable and controlling, and heartless, given that for OP’s friend this is about recovery, not just skin art.

For the record, I don’t like tattoos so I don’t have any. My son has several, which I love because they are on him.

They are being U

She’s 19 and an adult
It’s also not her fault her parents earn too much to get full funding for University.

Are they going to let her become homeless just because she made a decision about her own body they didn’t like?

They need to realise they have no autonomy over her body.

It's shit that the government has organised a system that makes you financially dependent on your parents

This I absolutely agree with. However, I can't agree with the idea that it's immoral or should be an offence not to top up your adult child's income. Means testing is one size fits all, and parents with an income of,
say, £25k might not be able to support adult children. It's outrageous that the government expects 21 year olds to be subsidised by their parents and sends entirely the wrong message - as does the reliance on debt.

DD is at university. She lives at home and pays board. She works and gets full loans and a bursary. She has friends whose parents pay £300 a week rent, plus other living expenses, even ball tickets and evening wear for said balls. Meanwhile the DC refuse to work. How can that be right or fair?!

University is a choice made by an adult. A little financial help to see them on their way, fine. Taking on nightshifts to pay for their booze rent, notsomuch.

I think it is an issue with funding though.
That's the problem, really.
Parents have problems too though - it's not confined to young people.

Not RTFT yet- about halfway through and just had a thought.
Why did she tell her parents she'd got the tattoo? Obviously she can't change them knowing about it now, but she could've easily worn jeans/leggings/pj bottoms when she was around them and they'd be none the wiser.
My parents hate tattoos and don't know the half of what I've got- just to save the earache!
Maybe going forward, she needs to not lie, but choose carefully what she decides to share with her parents.

Well done Invisible - that's a really big hole in the system. I can understand if the parents suddenly crash and burn and can't afford anything any more, and filling in the forms takes ages and is intrusive.

But it's equally interesting no one seems yet to have addressed the fact students who are paying back after graduation, once earning over £20000, are paying interest at six per cent. 5.5% over basic interest. So when any government proposes to delay the pay back to £25000, they could just be having to pay more interest at six per cent.

Anyway, good luck to the 19 year old OP mentioned. She really does have to talk to the students union for any help they can offer and any support to see through the network of what's available.

I dont agree it should be a criminal offence not to support an adult child through uni, its a choice to go that they make as an adult. There are flaws with the system and loans though given how many simply don't pay them back.

If she knew how much they were against tattoos and got one anyway then showed them surely she expected a reaction of unhappiness. It can't have come as a surprise. On a thigh, how many would have actually seen it bar in shorts on the odd hot day we have.

They may calm down, they may not. Her decisions that she made as an adult she know has to live with.

Yes, your friend was a bit silly to have gotten a tattoo while financially reliant on someone who has such strong feelings, however the parents are massively over reacting by whipping away all the pre agreed financial support.

If this wasn't a parent and child relationship, many people would be pointing out that this is actually an example of classic financial abuse.

Your friend needs to speak to the hardship/welfare team at the University who will be experienced at guiding her through this situation.

It's horrible what has happened and I hope your friend can get it sorted out quickly. I have tattoos and would use them as a way to cover up scars if I needed to so I think good on her

But some on this thread are assuming or at least guessing that the parents are the reason for her self harming in the first place. There's absolutely no evidence for that, it could have been one of a thousand reasons and nothing to do with them. I hope the people jumping to that conclusion are never on a jury

That is really shitty of her parents, and I feel sorry for your friend.

If she can somehow scrape together enough money or her university gives her some leeway for the payment in 2 week's time, then she needs to see if she can get a decent part time job.

One of the best ways to earn money for a university student is babysitting. Around £8 - £10 an hour, (depending on where you live), and the children are usually asleep or soon to be sleeping for the majority of it, so she can study while she works.

If she really wants to earn decent money, if she has some days where she is available from school pick up time, and has transport (although not always necessary if the school is walking distance to the children's home or there is a bus etc) that would be great. I REALLY struggled finding babysitters if I needed someone to pick up the children and look after them into the evening. I had a couple of babysitters that could do that, but sadly then went off to university and could no longer do that for me.

EliseC1965 gives some sensible advice - I agree that since the parents are effectively chucking her out, she'd be best off making steps to be recognised as independent from them for the purposes of funding.

I immediately thought 'can't imagine why she'd self-harm' when I read about the parents' controlling and manipulative behavior too. I appreciate that's not the only reason people self-harm (and is often nothing to do with the parents), but your friend must feel so trapped and helpless if that's their attitude.

My mother stopped supporting my degree when I told her I was taking a module in a subject she didn't want me to study, and said she'd quite happily pay all my fees if I did the degree she wanted instead. After a much soulsearching, I managed to say 'thanks, but no thanks' and although it was a huge struggle at the time, breaking away from her control was the best thing I've ever done apart from all the times I let her back in and had to do it again, of course.

I don't think your friend should meet any of their demands at all - she obviously will need lots of help and support (and is lucky to have you) to break away from them, but the worst thing she could do is let them control her body and her studies like this now, as it will only continue.

@SummerRoberts I'm speculating, but maybe because she didn't expect her parents to refuse to fund her university study over a bloody tattoo. Because that's not something any reasonable parent would do.

But no child has a choice how much money then can borrow. It's based purely on their parents income. It is means tested based solely on the fact that the parents will top up the difference.

@MyDcAreMarvel But can't you see how flawed that system is? Parents with three DC still at home, high mortgage payments and other commitments won't be able to help adult DC, who have chosen to go to university.

Making parents responsible for adult children - see also cuts to housing benefit and other benefits for under 25s, with the expectation that family will pick up the tab - puts terrible pressure on parents, many of whom are in their late fifties or sixties. It's deeply, deeply flawed and unfair. And those who suggest prosecution for parents who can't pay ought to be ashamed - should we bring back debtors' prisons, too?

If I'm paying money to help my DC through uni, blowing money on a tattoo would cheese me off too, if I'm honest.