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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
titchy · 15/10/2017 15:34

You can rephrase it however you like - it was still pretty irresponsible of her - you make sure your rents paid before EVERYTHING else.

It's getting on for winter, she'll be covered up for the next six months.

I do think it's mean of her parents, and I'd never ever do that to a child of mine. However, still rather irresponsible of her.

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 15:34

Parents cash.
Also, although you may argue it's your body to do what you want with, equally, it's up to the parents whether or not they shelter her and give her money. She has no right to it.

gamerchick · 15/10/2017 15:35

She did have the money though. Her rent was covered. Her parents shouldn’t have told her she was fine because they were covering her rent. If money comes with conditions then it should be outlined.

If it wasn’t that then it probably would have been something else.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:35

lovinglola yes it was £120 it is very big (15cm by 15cm on her thigh)

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 15/10/2017 15:35

I think the tattoo is a red herring and the parents were looking for an excuse to cut her off. Sounds like, tatt or not, she wouldn't have been able to cover the rent. She shoukd speak with the uni finance dept to check if there is any help. If not she may need to leave if there is no way of paying the rent.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/10/2017 15:36

As an adult she can do what she likes with her money, as a child she has to respect her parents opinions. At 19 and financially reliant on her parents there is a very blurred line between being an adult and their child as she has now discovered.

hesterton · 15/10/2017 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 15/10/2017 15:37

I must say I’m not surprised at these replies. People don’t have much sympathy for mental health issues it seems.

DiggyDiggyHole · 15/10/2017 15:38

Bloody hell, her parents are unreasonable! I’d be thanking the gods I still had a daughter who had moved on from self-harm and made plans for the future. And to go back on a deal is wrong, especially for such a pathetic, controlling reason. Do they want her to fail? They sound vile.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/10/2017 15:38

For gods sake is no one reading the thread HmmShockConfused

Her parents are trying to control her with money. They previously agreed to pay her rent of over 2 grand and are now refusing because she spent £120 on something they don’t like. It could have been anything!!! Doc marten Boots, a new phone, 20 pints of beer over the term.

She needs to tell the uni and dump her parents - they’re arseholes.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/10/2017 15:39

I do gamerchick, my 16yr old is covered in self harm scars and already is looking at tattoos, she has multiple piercings already.
There's worse things she could do.

Stickerrocks · 15/10/2017 15:40

I agree with her parents. Regardless of whether or not her parents had agreed to pay her rent, a student loan is not provided to pay for a tattoo. Perhaps she should have discussed it with her parents before getting the tattoo, before relying on their generosity. They are not obliged to pay her rent.

TheFairyCaravan · 15/10/2017 15:41

Parents do not have to pay

No they don't, however on DS2's letters that show how much he's entitled to for his NHS bursary it says something along the lines of "expected parental contribution X". We'd never turn round and see him penniless because he'd spent £120 on something that we didn't agree to.

I'm sorry that they're being so horrible to your friend OP. Is there any way she can get a job at all? Or does she have an aunt, or her grandmother, who could perhaps talk to her parents for her?

Ta1kinPeece · 15/10/2017 15:41

£120 for a 15cm by 15cm tattoo - she got a bargain
or she has lied to you about how much it cost
round here I'd suspect £1200 for something that big

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:41

She has just suggested I add here that her parents used to tell her when she was cutting herself that she was going through a normal teenage hormonal moment and that she has no reason to be depressed (despite being diagnosed at age 15)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/10/2017 15:42

I do gamerchick, my 16yr old is covered in self harm scars and already is looking at tattoos, she has multiple piercings already.
There's worse things she could do

3D ones are brilliant for bad scars that can’t be tattooed over. They look amazing.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:42

No it was really £120, the artist gave it to her half price because it was covering self harm scars

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/10/2017 15:42

I have a lot of sympathy for MH issues - my own MH issues would benefit massively from a 2 week holiday somewhere warm, and I could afford it on payday. No other bills would be paid though!

Ta1kinPeece · 15/10/2017 15:43

If the messages from her parents are on her phone, she should go see Uni welfare and explain the situation to them
they might be able to help

ghostyslovesheets · 15/10/2017 15:44

we get it OP her parent's are awful - but she's a grown up and she needs to do something to support herself sharpish - like find a job?

also she wont be kicked out after missing one rent payment will she?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 15/10/2017 15:44

They are SELF-HARM scars! I cannot understand why parents would want to cut a child off financially for taking steps to put their self-harm behind them. Instead of looking at her scars every day, this young woman took a positive decision to try and eradicate them. She has got herself to university despite mental health issues. She deserves more support than this. She didn't spend her rent money, they have reneged on their agreement to pay the rent because they disapprove of a decision that their daughter made. They should be ashamed of themselves. But I don't suppose they will be.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/10/2017 15:44

yes student welfare would be a good starting point

gamerchick · 15/10/2017 15:45

Everybody would benefit from a holiday in a hot and beautiful place. Grin You can’t really compare, holidays end. Something permanent that boosts self confidence doesn’t and I’m assuming you’re not 19 and still finding out who you are!

oldted · 15/10/2017 15:46

Were her parents guarantors for the rent money?
If so, they may have to cover it anyway.

Your friends DP's are going the right way to sabotage their relationship with their DD for life if this continues. They are probably angry and frustrated, but life is all about dealing with the shit that happens & learning from it. They cannot control her like a little girl any longer by withholding money. All that will achieve is ruining her chances of finishing uni successfully, and possibly leading her to even worse choices in the future.
Are there any pastoral staff at uni who could help or advise?

Justanothernameonthepage · 15/10/2017 15:47

No matter what, she now needs to focus on fixing the shortfall.
She may need to discuss how she can apply without parental support- would a letter from them stating they are offering no financial support work or does she need to look at emancipation type deal? Can she get a bank loan? Can she borrow money from other relatives? Can she pay a small amount weekly? Can she get a job?