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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
OpheIiaBaIIs · 17/10/2017 19:20

Here are some very typical student rents in Newcastle. Also fairly typical for most big cities (except London of course where they'll be a lot more).

Ta1kinPeece · 17/10/2017 19:35

bastard
Indeed -
courses with upwards of 25 hours per week contact time
plus an extra 15 hours per week non contact time
plus compulsory trips in the holidays

are not compatible with "just get a job"

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 17/10/2017 20:55

Person starts uni.

Person is assured all rent will be paid for, and all loan/savings is for living costs.

Person chooses to spend some of said loan/savings on something important to themselves.

All promised rent is withdrawn- and even a family Christmas is withdrawn.

This seems very very different to what people seem to be assuming here, someone spending money needed for something else on frivolity. This is separate money to the essentials! If all is correct here then not a penny which is meant for essential anything has been spent.

I can't imagine having parents so utterly low that they would turn me away at Christmas for a personal choice on my own body. The immediate here is the money concern. The long term is living knowing your own parents would sooner see you alone at Christmas, potentially homeless, because of a picture on your skin. Knowing that having perfect clean skin is more important than me, myself, my personality and part in the family, just so disgusting.

However as others have said, be cautious. This may indeed be a dramatic attention seeker who you haven't known long. It's wise to have caution, and not invest too much because there are those who crave attention, there are those who lie for monetary or personal gain, or simply don't see what they are doing as lying. And people will even lie about MH issues too. Caution is needed before too much investment.

Although as much as I'd wish parents so scummy as this didn't exist, it is entirely feasible, which is so sad. I personally didn't go uni and one of the main reasons was my parents refused outright to even be assessed for contribution, let alone pay any, as I'm pretty dumb and probably would fail. They were right in the end, I am thick as shit, but I wonder how it'd have gone.

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 17/10/2017 20:56

Oh and I always love when people say 'just get a job' and say they had a job through uni many years ago. Even if the course is low intensity with perfect hours it's still bloody hard in this day and age to get a job, even the most menial work!

ProseccoPoppy · 17/10/2017 21:27

If you are even allowed a job. My uni had a ban on any term time jobs.

LoislovesStewie · 18/10/2017 06:56

How did they find out about the tattoo? I know I've asked late in the day but I don't understand how they know. Did she tell them or show them ( by e-mail or whatever) ? If so why?

Headofthehive55 · 18/10/2017 07:52

peece Halls are too expensive. S/c room in a house.
I don't think there are many courses where you can't work. In fact I can't think of any.
It's very common to find for example nurses working extra as HCAs.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/10/2017 10:07

...and people who talk about 'flipping a few burgers'to fund Uni have no knowledge of the job market, where even jobs with flexible hours expect you to be available most working days to cover sickness/unexpected absence. Not say 'I can't come in until after my lecture'. Some jobs are brilliantly compatible with doing a degree, but they tend to be very low paid and only occasional hours, and they aren't enough to cover housing costs in most university cities (where housing tends to be more expensive as all available stock is bought up by btl landlords who charge a fortune!)

safariboot · 18/10/2017 14:56

LoislovesStewie because she didn't expect her parents to be so unreasonable and overreacting about it.

Bunch of people saying the same thing. Why do people find that hard to grasp?

LoislovesStewie · 18/10/2017 15:42

The point I am making is this ; I don't disagree with her having a tattoo. It is her choice and that is right. BUT I am not sure that she had no idea at all that her parents would be horrified. If we are to believe that ( as many are saying on this thread) that they are generally awful then commonsense would say they might go ape. I don't agree with them refusing to fund her but I would say this . When I went to uni many moons ago I got up to lots of things that I knew my parents would really hate( getting drunk, sleeping with unsuitable men, taking illegal substances etc) so I didn't tell them. As the saying goes 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.' Perhaps I struggle with parents going ape and the child saying ' Oh that was a surprise!' I knew what would send them mad and acted accordingly. I don't think it did any harm by doing that . I've told my kids how I feel about various things so they know . I don't like tattoos personally and would not have one: I wouldn't chuck them out if either had one . BTW I used to work as a homeless officer for local authorities and found many young people who had been told 'if you do x then you will have to leave'. Child then does x , is asked to leave and is so surprised. And yes I do know some parents are vile. Enough of my rant!

Ta1kinPeece · 18/10/2017 21:03

headof
^Halls are too expensive. S/c room in a house.
I don't think there are many courses where you can't work. In fact I can't think of any.
It's very common to find for example nurses working extra as HCAs.^

So
you are not comparing hall prices
you are not allowing for the many, many degrees that bar / actively discourage outside work
you did not have your DD in hall to get to know other students in their first year

so pretty irrelevant to the situation in the OP

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 18/10/2017 21:08

If parents really are flipping out over £120 thenYANBU. I suspect there's more to it than this ie the tattoo was the last straw

bsbabas · 19/10/2017 08:15

No this is toxic and immature. You don't have kids for a power trip and someone to boss around. You support them to be the best they can be. She didn't break the law or lie cheat or steal.

MipMipMip · 27/10/2017 20:34

Have your friend's parents relented OP?

MajesticWhine · 27/10/2017 20:47

I think they are being heartless bastards and completely unreasonable.

MMcanny · 27/10/2017 20:57

She needs to get a job.

yummysassymummy123 · 27/10/2017 21:20

MMcanny yeh because a part time minimum wage job will really provide her with £2200 in a month, be realistic

KarmaStar · 27/10/2017 21:48

So when this student was at a vulnerable age and suffering mental health,her parents brushed aside her illness.why?maybe the answer to that will shed some why they have taken this decision.it appears from what little I can ascertain that this goes way deeper.
I hope she gets the help she needs from the university and her other family and friends and is going to continue at university and succeed in getting her degree.
I don't know the accommodation,is it somewhere she can share to half the rent?perhaps if she explained the situation to her landlord(no need to mention the reason for her parents behaviour)s/he will accept payment in a payment plan?
She's a strong intelligent woman who made a mistake.(it's on her thigh not across her face,neck,chest etc).I hope a counsellor at university will help her put things into perspective so this does not ruin her chance of getting her degree and becoming successful in her chosen career.
I wish her good luck and the strength to continue coping as well as she has been.

yummysassymummy123 · 27/10/2017 22:15

Sorry this me (the op) I changed my name

Usernamegone · 27/10/2017 22:47

Yummy is there any update? Have her parents calmed down yet?

comingintomyown · 28/10/2017 06:08

Blimey I have been wondering if I am being harsh clamping down on a few domestic issues with my 19 year old but after reading this thread I'm a dream parent
Your friends parents sound ridiculous although not quite up there with the poster who will disinherit their children if they get facial piercings or tattoos

safariboot · 30/10/2017 18:48

Actually I think this is worse. Disinheriting a young adult won't usually have any effect on them for decades and they weren't expecting to have that money any time soon. Refusing to support your own child through university, having previously stated that you would, immediately puts them in a very difficult situation.

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