Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 16/10/2017 19:13

Potterhead113 From the story you have told us, it does sound as though her parents have over-reacted, but you have only known her for a few weeks. There is 19 years of background which you have not been there for. She sounds like a troubled teenager and there may be 1001 reasons for the breakdown in her relationship with her parents. A tattoo is unlikely to be the only issue here. You are being given valuable advice from people who have been there, done that or watched their own children get sucked in to someone else's drama.

nameusername · 16/10/2017 19:14

I can see both sides of the agreement however limited. If one is still tied to the parents purse string, it's best to grin and bear it with sprinkling of little white lies for survival mode until they're fully free.

If she's enrolled in University, have a look at the student job centre. Take up a cleaning job (most have early morning/evenings), catering assistant (employers will work around your schedule), fast food outlet, Greggs, Subway, weekend hotel work, even post a note house to house near her accomodation as home cleaner. Be pro-active. It may not be glamourous working as a cleaner but money is still money.

If all else fails, try her luck at just giving. For all you know, the tattoo community and others may be able to fund her for a term.

I've only read a few replies. How's her support network? Have she been pro active looking for job even cash in hand like kichen porter? Does she have other family members. OP, just be careful not to be her only emotional crutch. I'm sure other members have known one or two emotional vampires in our lives. I'm not saying she is but I can see other posters reasonings.

Eveforever · 16/10/2017 19:16

I am presently a mature student with a child, which is different from your friend. However, like your friend, I have been experiencing housing issues and I have found the welfare office at my university to have been extremely helpful. Have you approached them yet? If you are in uni accommodation they can also help liaise with the uni accommodation services to discuss options.

Do you know anything about the discretionary fund at your uni? Being discretionary it obviously isn't guaranteed, but last year I received £2500.

How is your friend's mental health at the moment? I'm assuming your university will also have mental health mentors? Apart from offering help with mental health issues, they may be able to write supporting letters if your friend has to apply for help from elsewhere.

To access a mental health mentor, your friend would need to be assessed for Disabled Students Allowance. Do you know anything about this?

Has your friend spoken to her personal tutor or student support office?

ApproachingATunnel · 16/10/2017 19:16

With parents like that it’s no wonder she has self harm scars to hide!Angry

MuseumOfCurry · 16/10/2017 19:22

I find it hard to imagine any parent leaving their child homeless and unable to continue their studies over a tattoo (much as I hate them).

I would agree with what PP have said I wonder if there is a history of reckless spending that the OP is unaware of.

pinkjjf27 · 16/10/2017 19:24

" In your words she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her" so why should they pay her rent?

Daffodilcrazy · 16/10/2017 19:27

Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to her.

It sounds as though a bit of unconditional support might be just what she needs right now and I hope more than anything that the adults around her are less judgemental that some on here.

19 is young - especially with a considerable amount of mental health issues already. It's not like she is 30 with a 10year history of partying and a £10k debt? I understand that we are talking about £60 of her student loan?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/10/2017 19:29

So if she agrees to have it removed then they will pay?

It might be best to agree to it's removal.

When did all this happen? Probably things have been said in anger and it may blow over.

Eveforever · 16/10/2017 19:31

Um, because the government says that parental income dictates how much funding she gets because it is assumed parents will contribute something if they earn above a certain amount. At the same time, she is over 18 and legally old enough to smoke, drink and get a tattoo.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 16/10/2017 19:38

paranoid they want her to pay for removal

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 16/10/2017 19:39

She needs to get a letter from her parents pronto, saying they will no longer support her. Then student assistance are more likely to help.

Hopefully, though, being asked to write such a letter will make her parents think twice about withdrawing their support.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 19:40

Removal costs thousands. They're prepared to pay that, but not the rent they promised to pay?

I'm not sure all is as it seems here, I'm really not.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 16/10/2017 19:43

ophelia I have just said they want her to pay for removal. And it is not thousands, you can get it quite cheap nowadays btw.

OP posts:
Bigmeep · 16/10/2017 19:46

OP, you are a loyal and lovely friend, but do take care to look after yourself. I have a great sympathy for your friend. My parents fully supported my brother through a degree but refused to support me at all as they didn’t like my boyfriend. They even got rid of my bedroom at home.

Your friend needs to tell the university that she will have to leave if they can’t help her to find a way to stay, via a combination of Hardship grants/loans, an agreement that she pays her rent in instalments (rather than a lump sum), support finding paid work and perhaps some counselling. The union should help. She needs to pursue this ASAP as it may be that the best thing that she can do is defer her place until next year. She may find herself having to pay a terms’ fees, as well as rent, if she leaves it much longer and finds then that she has no choice but to leave. A debt that will be harder to repay and add insult to injury. Most uni’s won’t charge you fees if you leave up to 4 weeks into the course.

Your friend will be able to put herself through uni. My course was 24 hours a week. I worked 3 part-time jobs and full time in holidays. At times I sofa-surfed, shared a bedroom and in my final year managed to get a job as a part-time live-in nanny. I did defer for a year to save up and get my head around things.

Years later my parents apologised to me and are brilliant grandparents. They were right about the boyfriend.

Enjoy your course OP and look after yourself

ellaoldie · 16/10/2017 19:47

Haven't read the whole thread (sorry)
When govt and uni funding decisions are made parental income is taken into account. Essentially parents refusing to fund subsequently for trivial reasons are breaching an implied commitment to both state and child.
My parents did this to my brother because he refused to be controlled by him. He had to get them to sign a declaration tbey would not fund him which they were reluctant to do in case word got out and it was embarrassing later. I've never forgiven them for dicking with his future and neither has he.
If the parents in this case were making funding conditional on the absence of a tattoo or their approval of her spending choices they should have made that clear to her at the outset.

BengalGal · 16/10/2017 19:54

I hope the university can help her. Her parents sound horrid. For the short term, perhaps she can tell them she's going to get it removed (lie, not really do it), so they pay as promised. Get a job, I always had a few while paying all living expenses at Unidining hall work was the least desired but provided food tooand plan to get financially independent asap. I doubt she can be considered independent by the Uni until she's been on her own for a time, so there may not be anything they can do. But I hope they can help. Most likely she needs to live on her own and go back after she is clearly independent.

oldmums · 16/10/2017 19:55

she is going to have to get a job maybe 2. also go to bank and extend her Student loan plus see if there is a small grant for emergency's from uni. I am sure it will all blow over. But she was daft to get a tattoo with money that was not all hers.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 19:57

Apologies OP, so you did.

jayne1976 · 16/10/2017 20:06

Her parents told her spend the money on what you like, so it was up to her, yes it's a governments loan at tax payers expense currently, but hopefully if she finishes her degree she will be able to pay it back.
But as the system is harsh on kids with wealthy parents who won't pay she can't get additional loans so may never now earn enough to pay back what she's borrowed!
If she bought herself a new outfit or went out drinking for the weekend, can't see they would be bothered, so what's the difference if she didn't know her parents didn't like tattoos, although that does seem quite strange that they have never mentioned this. But being so harsh not wanting her home for Christmas etc, is shocking as she's obviously already gone through a lot!

LegallyBrunet · 16/10/2017 20:23

I'm currently living in halls myself and most universities ask for a whole semester's rent to coincide with student loan payments which is why it's so much. Like a previous poster said, her parents may still end up having to pay anyway as most halls of residence ask for a guarantor who will pay rent if the tenant can't.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 16/10/2017 20:25

Good lord, what century are those parents living in ? I thought mine were tough!

MapMyMum · 16/10/2017 20:27

Havent rtft but it seems to me this is the girl in question typing not a friend

Sallystyle · 16/10/2017 20:51

The point is, she's spent her STUDENT LOAN on it!! They're right not to bail her out, it was a very bad decision and now she needs to live with the consequences.

How else do you learn?

£60. She spent £60 of her student loan. The loan that her parents told her she could have.

Do you always give out the harshest consequence to people when they do something you don't agree with? It's a pretty horrendous consequence for one tattoo.

Some people shouldn't have children if they think this is an appropriate response to a 19 year old spending £60 on a tattoo to cover SH scars.

Sallystyle · 16/10/2017 20:53

yes it's a governments loan at tax payers expense

Is it?

MenagerieMum · 16/10/2017 21:19

Aaarggh! These kind of posts drive me insane!!
At 19 I had (for the sake of my chosen career, just like Uni students) left home, was living in student nurses digs. I was working 8week placement blocks on a ward, dealing with life and death on a daily basis. All on the take home "student nurse pay" of £200/month. Literally life and death (as in laying out dead bodies), heping run a busy ward of sick people/Consultants tantrums/understandably anxious relatives...
It makes me so angry when Uni students want it both ways. To be financed and looked after by parents yet wanting the freedom to do/spend what they please.
#doublestandards

Swipe left for the next trending thread