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Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/10/2017 18:32

How long have you actually known this person? I would be a bit wary. I knew someone who'd been conned into giving a loan and free accommodation/food/bills after hearing a very similar story.

Sometimes if things seem a little bit over the top it may indicate things are quite as they appear.

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 18:33

It's fair to say though - if she realised they didn't like them, a sensible thing would have been not to let them know.

It's quite true to say that people give you more if you are nice to them!

sleeponeday · 16/10/2017 18:37

It's fair to say though - if she realised they didn't like them, a sensible thing would have been not to let them know.

Yeah, agreed. The time for overt rebellion is not when you are still financially dependent.

I would also second, OP, the suggestion that you should be careful about offering any help other than emotional. You are young yourself, from the sounds of it. Mumsnet staffers have a saying they produce on threads where posters offer other people help: never offer more, emotionally or financially, than you have to give. I would add, than you can stand to lose. This sounds a very sad situation, but even if true, you are not in a position to resolve it. Just to offer a friendly sounding board.

Bubblebubblepop · 16/10/2017 18:38

I think there are a lot of posters getting rather over invested here. Uni is a strange time and you meet all sorts of people. Some exaggerate, some make things up, some come from crap families. No way of knowing where the woman in the OP sits in this conundrum, but it's also not really a big deal. It's not even the woman posting, it's her mate.

sleeponeday · 16/10/2017 18:38

She needs to try to talk to her parents again. And definitely the uni, who will be used to this situation and will have workarounds, most likely. Even if deferring for a year is one of them (housing can almost always be jiggled around if it is their own housing; there is a shortage of it in almost all universities).

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 16/10/2017 18:39

heebiejeebie how dare you assume that she might be lying about something as deep as self harm and depression! She has sessions with a counsellor still every month to see how she is now and also has cuts on her arms and other leg, the leg she covered was the worst as the scars were not fading as well as the others and she hated them. The insensitivity does not shock me though.

OP posts:
OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 18:42

@Potterhead113 How long have you known your friend?

sleeponeday · 16/10/2017 18:45

Mumsnet has been full of people inventing stories over the years. Some about children with terrible illnesses, and even children dying. It happens surprisingly often in fact. And, inevitably, more often than we realise.

Someone counselling caution isn't being insensitive. They are showing concern for your well-being.

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 16/10/2017 18:46

ophelia I have known her for 2 months now, we met on an open day for our course and have been talking since then and have spent almost every day together since we moved in along with other friends from our halls and course.

OP posts:
ManOfKent · 16/10/2017 18:48

It’s one of life’s lessons - prioritise, don’t fritter and spend wisely, especially when you have very low income.
Not withstanding that, I have personally never seen a tattoo on a woman that enhanced the natural beauty of that woman or that part on her body.
I really dislike tattoos on legs, so maybe her parents and I are just old fashioned farts eh?

ManOfKent · 16/10/2017 18:50

...and what’s she gonna cover the tattoos with when they ‘make her upset to look at’???

user1483875094 · 16/10/2017 18:51

megletthesecond and flumpybear.... EXACTLY! people don't "just turn to self - harming" as a little pass time! They are people suffering with some serious worries and troubles. The parents sound VILE, Controlling, mean-spirited and hateful..... perhaps that is why the poor girl ended up self-harming in the first place! In which case, - they should hang their miserable faces in shame ..... poor, poor girl!

Bubblebubblepop · 16/10/2017 18:51

heebiejeebie how dare you assume that she might be lying about something as deep as self harm and depression!

Wow this is amazingly naive

bastardkitty · 16/10/2017 18:51

^ shit for brains...

bastardkitty · 16/10/2017 18:52

That was to nobofkent

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/10/2017 18:55

heebiejeebie how dare you assume that she might be lying about something as deep as self harm and depression!

I dare because i'm old enough to have seen and experienced more of this life/world than YOU!
Also, i ASKED if you'd seen them with your own eyes seeing as you're so invested in her!

As you grow up and mature you will realise that people lie about far more serious stuff than self harm scars!

bastardkitty · 16/10/2017 18:57

^Hmm

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 18:59

I do actually agree with the advice of caution.

Not only because some people do take advantage. They can't always help it, sometimes they're just really not able to cope and they feel better if someone else does most of the work of keeping them afloat. Some people can help it and are con artists.

But also, just because you are at university too, aren't you? So probably, I assume, at a similar stage in your life and with your own education to think about, and your own mental and emotional health to consider. You need to be careful at this stage of your life of doing too much for others, being swallowed up by their needs and not meeting your own.

Caution is always a good idea. Give what you can but do not give too much.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 18:59

@Potterhead113 You sound like a very kind, caring person and your friend is lucky to have you. But please be careful sweetheart, you haven't known her for long at all. As I said upthread, my DD started uni last year and made friends with people quickly, and a few of them turned out to be not all she thought they were. She had a lucky escape in a couple of situations.

Have you met her parents at all? They don't sound very nice at all but if you've met them you'd be better able to gauge just how awful they are.

Advise your friend to talk to the uni about any immediate financial issues. Please don't offer financial help yourself - however small - so early in your friendship. Be there for her but take it cautiously.

Good luck to you both 💐

OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 19:01

To be clear: I'm not accusing anyone of lying. I'm just urging caution, and it seems I'm not the only one.

mamachick2017 · 16/10/2017 19:06

I honestly think her parents are being unreasonable. My parents kicked me out at 16(Not going into my drama) but any parent who can't c that there child/teen/young adult is suffering inside or out, which is why essentially ur friend got her tat. If her parents told uni they were going to cover rent I would think they would have a legal obligation to pay it, I'm sure they would have to sign something to say they are responsible.

Leapfrog44 · 16/10/2017 19:06

Getting a tattoo is fine, she's old enough and they should not be trying to control her decisions by giving or withholding cash.

The point is, she's spent her STUDENT LOAN on it!! They're right not to bail her out, it was a very bad decision and now she needs to live with the consequences.

How else do you learn?

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 19:07

And also, I wanted to add, just in case, that if this friend is actually you, and your parents have done this to you, then if what you have said here is an accurate summary of the situation and there isn't a colossal backstory that you've neglected to outline, then yes, they were definitely being unreasonable and you didn't deserve for them to be so cold and spiteful towards you.

If ever you need support to get over the way they have treated you (because I don't think this will have been a one-off, there is likely to be a well-worn dynamic) then a good place to start would be the Stately Home thread.

CountFosco · 16/10/2017 19:08

When I was a student I had a flatmate who consistently lied to us (her flatmates) about her life the worst ofwhich was she claimed she was dying of cancer (she probably had an eating disorder which is why she looked so gaunt). The lies were designed to build up sympathy, she was close friends with one other girl who is a lovely and kind person. This (lying) girl systematically took advantage of her friend, from random stealing of food, books, clothing (she had a copy of her room key made), then stole cash from her, intercepted her mail and acquired her bank card. When the victim went to college about it when she realised what was happening college refused to do anything so she eventually set up a camera in her room and caught her on camera going throuğh her purse.

The point of this story is for the OP to remember that the situation may be as her friend describes (think there's evidence enough on here that some parents would react that strongly). However her friend may be lying or mixing some truth with some exaggeration. So, OP, don't lend your friend any money, and be kind but don't get too involved. Have lots of other friends that are able to give you support if you need it. Because this friend, whether or not she is telling the whole truth has a lot going on in her life that means she won't be able to be such a good friend to you.

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 19:12

Must also clarify, when I said 'Give what you can' I meant in terms of being her friend, not in monetary terms. It's not your responsibility to fix her money situation.

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