Kicking her out for a tattoo

[Potterhead113]

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

if it isnt you i feel for your friend very sad how controlling some parents can be

mm have u read it she didnt ask thy base your incom on your parents

They sound awful IMO and maybe I’m judging without knowing but I can see maybe why she self harmed in the first place! They don’t sound very loving or supportive. Not welcome at Christmas? How lovely.

Yeah controlling. We’re seeing plenty of that on this thread. 60 quid of a student loan to help with mental health and they deserve to be on the streets n cut off n stuff. feel sorry for some of these kids.

@ManOfKent It’s one of life’s lessons

Well yes, it's a life lesson that your parents can and will fuck over your chances and prospects in life because of their opinions on what you should and shouldn't do with your own body.

I hope it's a life lesson my children never learn, because I hope I don't turn into that kind of parent.

Exactly u2 i don't know why the default answer to everything is to mete out the harshest consequences in the name of turning into an adult and learning life lessons .
No wonder so many people are so fucked up .

She needs to contact the student loan company/LEA they CAN do an assessment based on your own circumstances and not ur parents. Mine were based on my parents income in my 1st 3 years at uni then on my own in the last year because of a change in circumstances.

This Thread is maddening
THE STUDENT DID NOT SPENT HER RENT MONEY (RTP!)
It's simple. No one her age can get help with uni if parents are high earners. Student loans are small and nowhere near enough for rent. They agreed to help. Now she has tattoo they are withdrawing help and disowning her. I call that VFU!
@potterhead113 for your friend. It's a tough transition she is making that the government make even tougher. I recommend she goes to sudent services. See what they advise. x

It's a simple fact that parents can alter the life chances of their children.
From being prepared to work hard so they have enough to eat, and a decent roof over their heads,
Reading with them, or not,
Giving them extra tuition, or not,
Paying fir a first degree,
A second one?
PhD?
Funding private education?
Arranging work experience?
Funding costs to train to be a pilot 120k

We all fall on the line somewhere, and we all have limits.

15cm by 15cm on her thigh

I thought it was going to be somewhere like arm or forearm where anyone could see a self harm scar if she wore short sleeved tops!! I just hope it’s covered it better than mine did on my self harming scars on my arm! Mines bumpy as s*t!! It’s the worst tattoo I’ve got and tbh I think I’d rather have the scars on show then the crap tattoo I have. Those scars remind me that yes I went through some really s*t times but I survived them and came out a stronger person!!

Two things at play here:

1. Perhaps she should have considered the cost of the tattoo vs whether it was an essential. £60 is still a fair bit to spend on yourself without budgeting age 19 & while a student, so may be an important life lesson
2. If rent was £2400 & she has spent £120 of that (loan & work savings combined) its quite a small amount of the whole. I can see teaching budgeting, etc. but don't really understand why all the hassle / not allowed home at christmas, etc. over such a small part of the whole rent money. Seems bit of an over-reaction / control issue to me, which i suspect is why she has self-harm scars in first place. Could be worth calling their bluff & going to uni / friends / other family, etc. for financial support / hardship funds & picking up more hours at work in order to pay rent herself / fund roof over her head over christmas - just to prove them wrong / prove she can be mature & responsible...I think she'll find they'll change tune when their own "bad behaviour" doesn't get the desperate, crying, 'I need you' response they obviously want.

The young woman in question sounds suspiciously impulsive and self-dramatising. Has she got Borderline Personality Disorder by any chance? They always have monstrous parents (by their own account) and are very good at persuading their (temporary) friends that this is so. Be careful OP - best take a step back. Let your friend sort out her own problem with her parents and the university.

Helping your children as best you can through uni (if that's what they need/choose) to do is pretty bare minimum parenting.

Some parents literally can't help financially. Those that can but choose not to for something as trivial as aesthetics, and then try to ban their child from theirs at Christmas ffs, are utter, utter cocks.

Small wonder that she had self harm scars.

Time to flip some burgers!

We all did it to earn a few quid to pay our way through university and it would just be for a few months. Plus it's quite fun.

I learned as much doing crap jobs as a student as I did from my lectures if the truth be told.

^ The idea of taking more work only works if the university are understanding. The student is expected to pay her full rent, which is more than her entire student loan, yesterday.

I haven't read the whole thread - some pretty harsh replies! OP hope your friend can get some help through the uni - surely there is hardship fund for this sort of situation.

If the parents says they'd pay and then now won't because of the tattoo they are being shit. ESP with the scars / mental health aspect. They sound horrible. Hope it all goes OK.

It is a parents responsibility to cover a child’s living costs and all education until the child is self sufficient. She was obviously not the 1950s when contraception was unavailable and unplanned pregnancies etc (an excuse used by some for their irresponsible parenting). The child always comes first- if not in a position to provide for the child properly through their education it is not the childs fault- get a 2nd or even 3rd job- as so many noble parents do. She clearly felt self conscious about her scars and did the tattoo to conceal rather than to rebel. This is about control. Would the darling parents have paid for corrective scar surgery? Unlikely if they are moaning about tuition fees for university which today is necessary to obtain even entry level jobs. It’s not like she went and got a racist slogan tattooed on her forehead. THAT would be a reason to be angry.

She clearly felt self conscious about her scars and did the tattoo to conceal rather than to rebel. This is about control

Exactly. But so many will not empathise or care less that she has self-harm issues (wonder if her parents played any part in that?) because they can't see past the money thing. Thats all that matters - that she has not been sensible with money so deserves all thats happening to her.

This is a young woman who despite being in an unhappy place in her life, evidenced by self-harm, is attending University. She is at least trying to improve herself. But perhaps Perfect Posters who never made money mistakes when they were young, went to Uni in a time when student loans and super expensive accommodation was not a thing, worked all the hours God sent whilst studying and gaining a degree too, and thus their sainthood is enshrined

I never quite know whether to believe posters who very harshly advocate that aged 18 = wash your hands of offspring, they're an adult now, never another penny to be given in fact no assistance whatsoever. Its such a common mindset on MN.

Maybe as per recent thread about Gransnet there was speculation as to why so many have no contact with their children and hence, grandchildren, and are wringing their hands about it. I can think of a few possible reasons why.

The problem, for all those saying "oh she should just get a job and that will help her pay" is that, without a degree, most of those jobs she can get will be reluctant to pay much more than the minimum wage for her age (£5.60). Agencies are known to pay more, but the amount of work available varies too much to make it worth the extra pay.
I really hope your friend manages to work something out, OP.

They are being horrifically unreasonable.
If she spent £120 on clothes/makeup whatever would they be refusing to pay her rent leaving her potentially homeless... I don’t think so.

Heebiejeebie how dare you assume that she might be lying about something as deep as self harm and depression

It does happen. And you’ve known her 5 minutes.

You also haven’t clarified, despite posters repeatedly asking, how it is that her parents found out about a tattoo on her thigh?

I'm afraid I don't subscribe to the idea that a parent need pay for a child u til they have finished education. In my DH case - he did three degrees!
University is not compulsory, and many people have good careers without it. You can go later too.

I remember lots of my friends were unable to stay on at sixth form - it was quite common for parents to expect you to get a job instead.