To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

Even if it weren't for the Facebook incident, your friend is asking too much OP (and you have agreed to too much). You and your daughter deserve a holiday, so the FB incident has done you a favour.

I think you should inform her ASAP that you can only do the first day. That way you aren't letting her down totally and your daughter gets some time with her friend. Don't get into a discussion about why you've changed your mind unless your friend insists. And even then you would be within your rights to come up with a bland pretext i.e. you have other commitments. You don't owe her an explanation imo.

Asking someone to do 36 hours a childcare for free is CF, never mind the money issue as well.

Three days (long days too!) childcare is a hell of a favour OP.

But it depends - does your DD benefit from having her BF with her for those days? Or will it be hard work for you?

I know when I have DD's BF around, it is little work, because they generally entertain themselves.

I probably wouldn't drop a friend in it at this short notice, esp not the mum of my daughter's BF, but I would say something. Along the lines of "I know you said you couldn't afford childcare or even a few £ for food, but then I see you on FB living it up.... " and see what she says.

I agree with the PP who said your friend has budgeted carefully: “If I can get Sparkly to have DD at half term, I don’t need to pay for childcare, so I can have that night out, new outfit, etc! I’m so clever!”

I agree! She's also pretty daft to have put it all on Facebook!

What @JayneEyre said. I'd be more than happy to help out a friend who was genuinely struggling with childcare fees, (goodness knows I've shelled out enough in the past when the DCs was smaller) but I've always providied food or given £ for the DCs food for the childcarers say if it's been a friend who's looked after the DCs at short notice so the fact she can't afford to provide food for the kids but has £ for an event would have me very .

I agree that you’re agreeing to have her kids has allowed her the spare cash to go to this party.

Chalk it up to experience and don’t do so much for again.

Do the childcare, you agreed to do it and the DCs are good friends and will keep each other occupied. I would on this occasion let it go and bank the hours, you now have 36 glorious free hours in the childcare bank. Get looking at your calendar and book dates with her.

I’m sorry op. But you’ve made a mistake. She is not your friend. She has faked it to use you. She’s even making you pay to feed her child.

I’d honour the arrangement for the sake of the kids, but I’d reduce it to one day, then I would simoly end the fake friendship by being unavailable and distant.

I would do the childcare this time, but never again.

I agree with RunRabbit

I’d ask for a later drop off time - say 10.30 so you’re not having to get up at stupid o’clock in half term & ask for £ for daytime trips out. If that doesn’t work for her she can make other arrangements - you’re doing a favour not running a child care business

You can't police your friends spending.

I disagree. You most certainly can when you're being asked to provide food for said child because the parent is pleading poverty.

Fine if this is a genuine 'skint friend' situation but it doesn't sound like it is.

I have an acquaintance who's DCs would only eat certain foods and I'd stupidly get them in (no allergies or SENs they're just used to brand named stuff fussy) whenever they visited. I'd easily spend £15-20 on an impending visit. I put my foot down and started only getting in 'everyday value' cookies and juice (with permission from their Mum of course). Funnily enough they enjoyed those

My point is I doubt the OP has the £ to fork our for friends DCs food as it is but was going to do it out of goodwill with their friend pleading poverty. Sorry OP, but this is one of those situations where you're going to have to grasp the bull by the horns and have it out with her. What time does she start work? 6am is ridiculously early.

Ooh I'd be so pissed off. The right thing to do would be to speak to her about it. I'd be too much of a wuss though!

so many CF's out there..Id say no from now on. I had this when my DC were small.Thought I was helping a mum working shifts..her dd let it slip that she was either out in the pub or with her running club! Just the fact she lied did it for me..and true to form my kids were never invited back and she'd literally drive past us and leave us walking in the rain..I learned my lesson.

Not rtwt but it always astounds me what people ask others for in the way of childcare. I would never in a million years ask to drop off my child at 6am to someone who works and is on their holidays. I would have paid for childcare, taken annual leave, or at least tried to arrange with work to come in later so as not to impose on someone so early. And I always reciprocate with equal, or more, favours in return. Sorry if there are typos- can't find my glasses!

Have you contacted her OP?

6am on your holidays! It's painful to read that bit. Otherwise, friends and I do mutual childcare favours not just to save money but also to give the kids a bit more downtime away from holiday club. They are definitely mutual swaps though - if you bank this one will you be able to call in the favour another time? If not, definitely tell her you've had a rethink.

Who normally looks after her daughter from 6am until school starts and again after school? At the very least I would tell her that I can only look after her daughter from 9 until 4 and she needs to send a packed lunch.

I looked after my friend's child from 6 - 6 once and it was awful. My children didn't want to get up but the other child was bored sitting with me so virtually made my son get up, who was then grumpy and miserable all day. This led to arguments and fall outs. It felt like a very long day. Could not have done this for 3 days.

I also agree with @JaneEyre.
Let her find alternative child care.

Someone REALLY needs to fix the lock on that gate...

OP, she'll have known you'd see that facebook post. And she thinks you're too much of a mug to question/confront it!

If/when (PLEASE say it's "when"!) you confront her her next steps will be;

PA posts on Facebook about real friends not letting you down

Twatty texts about how gutted her DD is that she can't spend time with her best friend now

A desperate text the night beforetge original "start date" about how desperate she is.

Optional extras include;

Agreeing to contribute. Being in a rush in the morning and promising to "sort it later". Later will never come.

"It's not like they'll eat that much at that age". That's not the fucking point you benk!

Acting like she's done you a massive favor whwn she gets some other mug one else to cover one of "your" days.

I speak from experience. 🌺

I'd comment on her Facebook post about the cost of the shindig she was at "and yet you claim to be so broke that you expect me to provide three long days of free childcare and have even said you won't pay for any food for your child". I would be furious. What a skank.

Listen to Radley... She knows!

(Good to see you Radley )

It sounds as though you're probably happen enough to look after her child but feeling (rightly) like a mug that she's claimed she has no money. I'd tell that "of course" you wouldn't go back on your word but are a bit "confused" about how she's had the money for the festival as she'd said she had no money for food.

I wouldn't back out of the arrangement though or change the times as otherwise when the conversation is being replayed by the other woman at the school gates, you'll be the "unreliable" person who let her down at the last minute for no reason.

Completely reasonable to ask her but better to be upfront which doesn't have to mean confrontational.

I can't imagine how that conversation went-'I am so skint that I can't pay for childcare this half term. I need it from 6-7 and I can't even afford to feed them'

If that's really how it went-then I'm not surprised the OP is pissed off the friend is out getting hammered.

Who has her kids normally?

I just couldn't bring myself to have her child after this. She's a total pisstaker.

What are you going to do?

From experience, this sort of mug*-exploiting person will always have endless excuses/reasons why she's in the right, not being at all U, and you are in the wrong/being mean/U.

If you're going to be forthright/speak your mind, you may well need to grow a very thick skin and be prepared to lose this so called 'friend'. Doesn't sound to me as if she'll be any great loss, though of course that much harder when dds are friends.
*aka very kind friend of course!